Do You Think Forgiveness Is Really That Important?

the popular line is that the forgiveness is more about you than the person you're forgiving. i can get behind that.
i'm more like you. i think 'moving on' is the key, far more than forgiveness. that's something that may or may not come into play, and definitely hinges on contrition. but i think it's much more important to be able to put the incident or issue in an appropriate box and move forward.
khairete
S.

I define forgiveness as letting go of anger or being resentful. So yes, I think it's necessary, but to me it sounds like you already have forgiven the people or person who wronged you.

I do not always forgive. Some things really are unforgivable. But I always move past and let go of the anger and hate. Those poor souls will keep going on, screwing up their lives and trying to take it out on others. Not going to let it ruin my life, not worth it.
I had someone that was a very good friend that went off the deep end and did some horrible stuff to me and some mutual friends. I will never forgive her but I'm not letting her screw with my life and happiness after she's gone. I still have interactions with her from time to time because we move in the same circles. I either avoid her or are the basics of polite and move on.
I wonder if people mistake forgiving for moving on. I believe you can move on while not needing to forgive. I'm sorry, but not everyone needs to be forgiven and not everyone deserves to be forgiven.

For me, it all comes down to this.

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”

― C.S. Lewis

I believe this. I think forgiveness is important and valuable. But I also know that it's far easier said than done. When someone breaks your heart and then has no remorse or apology for doing so....forgiveness can be hard. Which is why I'm still working on it. I'm a Christian woman, but not a perfect one.

ETA: I just wanted to say that the "Taking poison and expecting the other person to die" analogy isn't a perfect one. That analogy is in reference to anger, hate and revenge, not forgiveness. The fact that I struggle with forgiving the person who hurt me might be causing me a lot of upset and hurt, but I don't wish her to die. I don't hate her at all. I don't wish anything bad on her. I just wish she'd apologize sincerely and have some sort of remorse. I wish I didn't miss her so much. I wish that things were different. :-(

Well I think if you "harbor no resentment" than you HAVE forgiven. I mean that's the definition, right?

Anyway, sure it's important. Who wants to go around life all miserable all the time?

:)

It's not about accepting an apology or letting someone off the hook. It's about letting go of the anger for yourself, not the other person.

I like the saying that holding on to anger and resentment is like
"drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".

If you "harbor no feelings of anger towards people that hurt you" then you have met my definition or forgiveness.

I suppose it depends upon your definition of forgiveness. I would simply suggest that not harboring feelings of anger or ill will, or resentment basically IS forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't imply that the act was ok or acceptable. It means you let it go. And if you aren't harboring ill feelings towards the person who did whatever it was, then I'd call that forgiveness, pretty much.

According to the dictionary, forgiveness is defined as "stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake". So by those terms, when you decide to stop those bad feelings, you have actually forgiven. That doesn't mean you have to actually forget or open yourself back up the person or situation. But you have moved on. That's forgiveness in my eyes, as well. I think getting to that point is what is important.

Well what you don't call forgiveness is what I call forgiveness. It isn't a function of saying sorry or accepting someone's apology, those are just words or formalities. Like a contract I generally don't enter into. What forgiveness is letting go of the anger. That doesn't mean setting yourself up to be hurt again by continuing the relationship.

So yeah, I think forgiveness is very necessary.

When I was a kid my mom was very big on formalities. You must say you are sorry for..... The other person must accept your apology. Well I wasn't sorry for much more than I was being put through that ritual and I didn't forgive(accept an apology) until I was good and ready.

No, forgiveness isn't important. Revenge sometimes is though.

I am of a similar mind as you are. I have had to work a lot at forgiving some family members who are trying to do better. I have another parent who I can never forgive for some things, but I've moved on and am no longer angry with her. The price of that peace is no contact, but I have realized that I am powerless to fix that situation-- all I could do was remove myself from it and move forward.

Overall, I think I'm a person who is very content with my life. Cutting off contact with my mother means that I don't have to be subjected to a lot of negative feelings toward her or myself, which helps me immensely in being the best mom and wife and friend (and even daughter, to my dads) that I know how to be. As I said before, some things should not be forgiven. It is a part of my humanity which deems these trespasses intolerable to visit upon ANY person. Before, I believed they were forgivable-- and it was in that sort of thinking that I was damaged. Forgiving her doesn't make me a better person but choosing to be healthy, to model a good marriage for my son, to be an empathetic and thoughtful mom-- I do think these good relationships make my heart so full and happy, I simply don't have room for being angry toward her.

They say living well is the best revenge. I would say that living well, truly for oneself- without malice or spite toward those who have hurt us-- that is best of all.

ETA: i guess, by Mamaduck's definition, I have forgiven my mother. I don't know. In any case, I feel a hell of a lot better now than I did years ago!

I will never forgive my ex husband for what he put our children through.

NEVER.

I am no longer angry however.

I feel ambivalent.

That is working for me.

For now.

I feel bad for your friend. Her way of dealing with this is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die from it.

Maybe your best friend is waiting for someone, somewhere, to validate her feelings.

I think forgiveness is a form of letting go. It is important. But sometimes people really want to be understood first. They have to understand that forgiving (or letting go) is NOT saying that the transgression was OK.

I've heard that failing to forgive, and holding on to anger and resentment, is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

I would just validate her, and tell her you love her as a friend, and that you're there for her. If the hurt continues to hold her back in her life I would suggest professional counseling.

PS: We Christians have added instruction on forgiveness in the Lord's prayer.

I don't know if forgiveness is necessary, honestly. I think that as long as you are okay with whatever happened and at peace, then that's the important part.

I did forgive my grandmother when she was on her death bed for the things she had done that caused me to not talk to her for 11 years...but I did that because at the time, it was what *I* needed to be okay.

My husband wasn't the best to me in the first few years of our relationship. I have forgiven him, he has earned it.

Other things, I won't forgive, but I choose to be at peace with them and the fact they are passed/can't be changed.

I guess holding a grudge is what I call giving someone free rent in my head.
I don't have to 'forgive' them (allow them the chance to screw me again) but I don't have to let them shape my life (I can trust other people).
Holding a grudge is carrying a weight - it allows the hurt to keep hurting you.
If you let go of the anger, feelings of wanting to retaliate, feelings for revenge - you are free.

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been different, according to the great life expert, Oprah Winfrey. To me, forgiveness means letting go of the anger and moving on. It doesn't mean forgetting it happened or even returning to a relationship with that person. You're okay with it because you HAVE forgiven. It's the anger and sadness you speak of that kills you from within. Letting that go, as you've done, IS forgiveness, and it's important.

I think some may believe that you need to forgive in order to move on.. For me, it was quite the opposite.. it's when I was finally able to move forward that in turn, I was able to forgive.. In my case, my former foster father had molested me... for years, I was pretty pissed off about it.. Then, after a long time of holding on to that angst and working through it.. the anger finally burned itself out and with it.. I felt this sense of relief come over me along with a sense of forgiveness.. and if not forgiveness, then I guess you could call it a sense of empowerment in that the anger I once harbored no longer had any power over me... I would also add that in my case, I had to forgive myself for blaming myself for what had happened... so in some cases, yes.. forgiveness is needed.. but depends on for whom and for what.. it's all individual...

I never forgive for forgiveness' sake.

If they aren't willing to fix their mistake (or even try... Honest effort goes further than results with me...) then I don't need people like that in my life.

I do not have the personality to allow something to fester, so very seldomly do I have negative feelings for a long time. Usually, I solve the problem the best I can (either forgive or cut out) then move on with my life. I don't dwell on the past.

The ONE exception to this rule is my mother. Over the course of my life she has unremorsefully done so many things (and been forgiven for "free" so many times) that I would usually not even acknowledge her existence any more... At this point, I am just done with her. BUT, because it would cause a lot of negativity and drama with the rest of my family (especially at holiday gatherings...) So I just bite the bullet, and am cordial with her. I DO feel resentment toward her, and I am angry at the way she marred my childhood, and he childhood of my siblings... But I do not dwell on those feelings, and they have absolutely no impact in my daily life. I function perfectly well, and most days she doesn't even cross my mind. So, she hasn't been forgiven by any definition... I feel like the feelings I have toward her have helped form me into the person I am today, and it think my anger leads me to be more compassionate and understanding of other people. It has certainly had a positive impact on my parenting... I will never do to my daughter what my mom did to me, because I don't want my daughter to have to experience these kinds of emotions.

I think most people mean acceptance and moving forward when they say forgiveness, not actual forgiveness as in 'you did something terrible to me but let's just pretend it didn't happen and everything is okay now.'

There is letting go (forgiving) and there is forgetting. I may let go for my own sake, but that doesn't mean I have to ignore what you did or let you do it again. Forgiveness, IMO, is more letting go of anger vs being a doormat.

A friend often says, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of harming another; you end up getting burned.”

I have a cousin I really don't like, but I don't actively hate her anymore. I used to, and it colored family interactions. I don't have to like her or love her. But hating her only hurt myself. Maybe your friend could use some therapy to help her help herself.

It may also be that she's still experiencing hurts vs your hurts being in the past. If so, that is a different thing than your experience.

IMO, yes I think forgiveness is a must! I am a religious person and believe that if God can forgive our sins then we must learn to forgive the people that hurt us most. That does not mean you have to be buddy buddy with them, it just means you have forgiven them in your heart just as God forgives the many sins that we commit day in and day out. I am not saying I am right or wrong, but you asked so I replied!
Good luck!

I forgive, but I do not forget. To me, forgiveness means that I don't hold a grudge about it - not for the sake of the person I'm forgiving, but for my own sake. Keeping angry at someone takes so much energy.

But like I said, I never forget. If you've done me wrong, I am able to be cordial toward you, but you'll never be any closer to me than arm's length, figuratively or literally.

The act of forgiveness to me is so that I can move on regardless of the other person. It is a way for me to heal. Forgiveness and forget are two different things. I may forgive but I will NEVER forget.

Usually the reason it's said to be important to forgive is to release oneself from anger.

However, if you harbor no anger while not forgiving, forgiveness is not necessary. Some things really are (almost) unforgivable.

I don't think you need to forgive to move on. However you do need to let go of the anger and resentment in order to move on =)

Forgiveness is what allows us to move on.
If someone does something horrible to you, you can forgive it, and move on. You don't have to have Sunday dinner with them every week.
Forgiveness is different things to different people.
Sometimes it's making peace within yourself but protecting yourself from future hurt....
"Forgive and forget" is an often used phrase.
The "forget" part is quite possibly harder than the forgive part, kwim?

If you are a believer the answer is very simple - we are commanded to forgive "If you don't forgive you will not be forgiven"

I do think practicing forgiveness is very helpful towards becoming a healthy, relationship-building person. I don't think it is just moving on, but actually wishing the other person well, to the extent we honestly can. For me, the person who deeply wounded me was a thorn in my memory, so I practiced praying for a good day for them once a week. I'm not proud to say it took many, many months to begin to let go of my anger, but it did happen. Now I can be present and pleasant to this person. It does not mean I have to be a friend or forget. I think it's the practice of praying for the grace to forgive that makes us grow in love and strength.

Think of the possibility that even though it may not be important to you and you can move on the other person can't without you acknowledging that you are OK and forgive them.

Think of it that way.