We have known a couple of twins in our neighborhood who are my dd's age and they have played together since they were toddlers. My dd clicks more with one of them and they frequently do things together alone. The other twin tags along sometimes but she's a little rough (physically and verbally) for my daughter and she's somewhat impulsive and can be a bit overwhelming for my kid's personality. We always have invited both to birthdays and special occasions mainly because we know the family and we don't want to leave the other one out.
The current situation is a sleepover. I told my dd that she could have 2 kids for a sleepover. She invited a good friend from school and one of the twins that she is closer to. The one twin asks if the other twin should come too. I told my dd to tell her that she can only have two people and she already invited the other girl from school.
I really don't want more than two kids for a sleepover. When the other twin comes, things get way too loud and she clashes with my dd's school friend (they had a little fight at a birthday sleepover). Kids are all in middle school.
Are we being rude by only inviting one?
Nope not rude at all. Call the other mom if pushed on inviting the second twin. My youngest are boy/girl twins. When they were younger my daughter always played with Josie at school. We invited Josie over for a play date and I was shocked to find out she was a twin. The mom never mentioned it and didn't expect an invite for both.
I would talk to the mom. The girls might be twins, but they are also two, unique individuals. They have their own personalities, interests and, at some point, friends. Their parents will have to talk to them about the fact that they aren't always going to be included in their sister's plans.
Just call the mom and say, "Suzy is having a sleepover, and we told her she could have 2 friends. She decided she's like Stacey to be one of them. Can she make it?" Don't say anything at all about the sister. One of the girls is invited. Just leave it at that.
nope. your reasoning is sound, and i think how you suggested your daughter handle it is simple and perfect.
my older son was friends with neighborhood twins too. for the most part they all three palled around, but sometimes that didn't work, and then he'd hang with the one with whom he got along the best.
can't recall now which one it was. actually i can't even remember their names, we always called them Heckle and Jeckle.
the neighborhood mostly considered them hoodlums. i kind of liked them. rotten scamps, but they had sweet hearts under it all.
ETA i totally disagree with all the advice to take your daughter out of the equation and talk to the mother yourself. this isn't a problem. this isn't something that needs to be fixed. this is a simple invitation. good for you for empowering your daughter by having her handle it, simply and calmly.
:) khairete
S.
By middle school, I would hope they have already done things separately. I have triplets and I can say that I actually had a hard time getting people to not invite one just because they are triplets. While they did have the same group of friends when they were younger in school, and would all be invited to the parties, etc, as they got older, esp as they hit 4th, 5th grades, they started separating into their own cliques.
When they were 5, 6, 7, I had to tell people not to be upset if one was not included, it was okay. They needed to know that they are not a package deal and if one is not included in something, they find something else to do.
Not at all. Twins don't have to have the same friends, interests, etc. My daughter dances and one girl graduated a few years ago. I had known her for 10 years and never knew she had an identical twin.
Talk to the mom of the twins about it, I bet you'll find she doesn't expect the girls to have the same friends and interests all the time.
DeeDee,
Just because they are twins doesn't mean they do EVERYTHING together.
Instead of putting this on your daughter? Call the mom and tell her you limited her to two kids for the sleepover. Your daughter has invited Cindy and Mary. You're looking forward to having Cindy come over for the sleep over on Saturday.
DO NOT mention the other child. If she asks, which I doubt she will, tell her you can only really handle 3 kids at a time and your daughter has chosen the two she would prefer to come over.
If "Cindy" presses your daughter for an answer about Cathy? Tell her that you said you could ONLY HAVE TWO and she chose Cindy and Mary.
When inviting friends over for an occasion, you might consider that anything that adds up to an odd number (your daughter plus 2 friends = 3) can lead to someone always being an odd man out.
You can't always include the other twin - I get that - but I'd try to find ways to make even numbers happen as much as possible.
Twins learn to be separate people from each other.
Eventually they both will have their own circle of friends and both won't always be invited to everything together.
i think your question is better asked of the twins mother. you can explain the situation, and how the one just does not click with your dd, and see if shes got a solution.
without knowing the family its hard to say if its rude or not. growing up i was friends with a set of twin boys, and they had totally different personalities, and the one would decline things the brother would attend and love. the mother or father is the best one to answer
We know a set of twins about the same age who are also very different. They are fraternal, but they look identical. One is very social and sporty, the other is introverted and doesn't like much physical activity. Twins, especially fraternal are no more alike than other sisters. There's no reason to think that just because your kid likes one, that they're going to like the other.
I think you're fine with just inviting one. It sounds like the kids all know that your dd is better friends with the one twin. I'm sure if you hadn't known them since they were toddlers, you'd be fine just inviting the one. As they get older, they are going to gravitate to those they are more compatible with. Stick with the plan you set out and maybe the mother will let the other twin have a sleepover with someone else.
Twins are individuals, not halves of a whole, so try to think of them as you would any other siblings. No need to feel guilty about it.
How old are these kids? Have you ever talked to the twins parents about how rough one of their daughters is? Let them know that your daughter gets along better with one of the girls. Maybe thats why the other twin lashes out.
You maybe hurting the twins feelings by not inviting her. But they have to realize they are 2 different people even though they are twins. They aren't always going to have the same friends and be invited to do the same things.
My son is also good friends with a twin. In the beginning we always invited them both because I too was afraid of being rude, but then the mother told me to please treat them like any other siblings and not to feel obligated to have them both just because they are the same age. It made sense when I thought about it that way, I would have no issue inviting one sibling and not another if they were not the same age, so why feel different here? I mean I am never offended when someone invites only one of my children and they are very close in age. Kids have to learn that it is okay to have separate friends.
I think the way you are handling right now is just right. Invite the other twin to bigger group events - it's the kind thing to do. When it's one-on-one, invite the one that your daughter wants to have over. Because these kids are in middle school, I don't think a conversation with the parents is necessary.
I also think it's important not to assign motive where there might not be one. Just because the one child asked if her twin was invited does not mean that the twin was trying to invite herself or that there was some underlying expectation. I would assume that she was just clarifying, so she didn't make a social faux pas. So your daughter should answer in the same neutral vein - "thanks for checking, but it's just you this time."
I think it's time to talk to the parent. It's their job to educate their child about manners and how to act when they're with other people.
They need to teach their girls that they are separate people and won't always get to do things together.
If the parents do their job then this sort of thing won't happen as much. They will simply let one do things like sleepovers and the other stays home because they can't mind as well and aren't as well liked.
If the parents don't want to let them do everything together then they should say no, that both girls go or neither one. Then it's on them and not on you.
So don't let your girl do the invitations for a while. If you ask the parent then they have the option to say yes to one or no. Then you have the opportunity to educate them on how their other daughter acts in your home and that she's too much trouble.
As posts below indicate, you are being too quick to put the weight of this situation onto your daughter. You need to "face the music" as the adult and have a conversation with the twins' mother, something like: "we are allowing Sally to invite two girls to sleep over - she has invited a girl she knows from camp and she is hoping that your daughter X can come too". You do not need to invite both twins, but also don't pretend that you can just sweep that decision under the rug. Your daughter is at a socially delicate age (middle school / preteen) and it is important to avoid your daughter suffering socially as a result of a misunderstood invitation (any perception of "being rude" or anything similar, can be socially toxic during the middle school years).
