Stepsons Referring to Their Mom's Boyfriend as "Stepdad"

Updated on January 18, 2013
K.U. asks from Detroit, MI
34 answers

I have 2 stepsons, ages 16 and 17. I've been married to their dad 6 years and we have a 3-year-old daughter together. My stepsons' mother has dated different men over the past 11 years since she and my husband divorced, and now has a live-in boyfriend with a son from a previous marriage. They had dated 2 years before he moved in with her 2 years ago. My stepsons refer to him as their "stepdad", and his son as their "stepbrother" even though they are not married. Both their dad and myself (and also my own mother,( because she tends to be somewhat opinionated and meddlesome) have told them that this is not appropriate since they are not married. They keep saying it's no big deal. I can tell that my husband is hurt by this. I realize it's not as if they refer to the boyfriend as "Dad" when they already have a Dad, but it's almost like getting married doesn't carry any weight any more. My husband and I did live together before marriage and at no point did the boys refer to me as their stepmom until we actually tied the knot, but it seems with their mother, anything goes. They even went to her last year and complained that we were giving them grief over referring to her boyfriend as their stepdad. So then she spoke to my husband about it and told him
that she didn't see anything wrong with them calling him their stepdad, even though they had no plans to get married. When it kep happening and my husband said something to them about it again, they once again said that it was"basically the same thing."

I'm sorry, I don't think it's "basically the same thing" but since their mom has said it's okay, they are not going to listen to us. I just find it disrespectful and like I said, I can tell it hurts my husband's feelings. I've tried explaining this to them but they still don't seem to get it. Any suggestions on the best way to handle this or should I just let it go?

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So What Happened?

I appreciate everyone's input on this, thank you. I think I've pretty much decided to let it slide. I will admit that it's possible my husband is feeling a little insecure about it, maybe because mom's boyfriend gets to live with them and see them everyday, and he doesn't get to see them as much. He's not one that's big about talking about his feelings and the divorce was not his choice in the first place. He really doesn't care that they are living together and neither do I, and I never meant to sound "holier than thou" about the living-together situation, especially since we did it ourselves before getting married. We did it partially out of convenience and partially to "test the waters" so to speak. The boyfriend is a pretty nice decent guy and usually the boys refer to him by his first name (they have always done the same with me) or sometimes "Mom's boyfriend" but once in a while it's "our stepdad". I understand that not everybody views marriage the same way and I am not judging anyone to chooses to just keep living together and have no plans to marry. I understand that marriage is no guarantee of it lasting long-term. But both my husband and I value marriage as a more stable and preferable (for ourselves) lifestyle for raising a family. And to refer to someone as a "stepmom" or "stepdad" without the benefit of marriage seems to undermine the significance of that level of commitment. Call me old-fashioned, but to me it is just another example of society accepting more loosey-goosey morals and saying whatever goes, goes. I will refrain from saying anything in front of my stepsons because I don't wish to alienate them or make them feel like they need to defend their mother. But I still don't think it's right.

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K.A.

answers from Saginaw on

You should really let this one go. This is going to cause some MAJOR problems, especially at their age. It will cause major problems with you. It is petty compared to what you all should focus on at this age.

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K.P.

answers from Detroit on

I commend you on letting it go. Stepdad is a title, and one that shows a certain amount of respect and caring on the boys part toward the boyfriend and his son. It sounds as if they feel they will continue to be a part of their lives, and consider them stepdad and stepbrother already, so instead of stressing about a title, be glad the boys have a good relationship with the boyfriend and son, that they do indeed consider them to be a part of the family. It could have easily gone the other way, where they disliked them both, which would be much worse than considering them 'steps' without benefit of marriage.

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L.J.

answers from Detroit on

Maybe it is easier for them to say stepdad instead of moms boyfriend. They may get more respect from their friends and other adults (not family) Stepdad seems more permanent than boyfriend and maybe thats why they do it.

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S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

Let it go. What should they call him - "the man my mother's living with"?? How ackward it that? We don't have good names for the different relationships that exist these days - doesn't mean they aren't valid relationships - so we make do with the names we have to chose from.

You and your husband could benefit by dealing with your feelings and figure out what is driving the obsession with this - he lived with you before marriage, he has no control over what his ex does in relationships, they've been divorced 11 years, you've been married for 6, his sons are almost adults - let it go!

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

they've been together for 4 years. and the deep commitment to marriage isn't really a factor, since you also lived with your husband prior to marriage. so it's not marriage you feel so strongly about, it's a word.
you can choose to fight this battle, and everyone can decide to hold onto hurt feelings and make these young men feel crappy about the very sensible decision they've made (and, as young men, have a right to make.)
or you and your husband can take the high road, be gracious and be mature about it.
khairete
S.

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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

4 years + Teenagers.

Aka... they've made up their own minds... so unless you *want* to start a fight with them... this seems like a battle not to choose. Especially since they have out and out told you that he's their stepdad; which translates to he has the same authority as a stepfather. I mean, they could call him Pet SpiderMonkey... and even if it hurt other's feelings and they were told not to call him that, they're teens...who value their own counsel more than any other age group except the elderly. If they made their minds up that he was PetSpiderMonkey, that would be his title. Instead, he's been given a respectful title that denotes his role in their lives.

It seems like there's a communication issue (aka you're not understanding what they're saying) OR you're trying to undermine their respect for their "longterm-live-in-boyfriend-of-our-mother-who-has-been-raising-us-and-acts-as-a-father-figure-and-whom-we-treat-as-a-parent" (stepfather really communicates that all MUCH quicker).

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

It's no fun suffering over other people's choices. Most of us don't know that we don't have to carry that emotional burden – if we find out what our real issues are. If the ex and her boyfriend were to marry tomorrow, and your husband would then be able to accept his sons calling the other guy Step-dad, then I agree that his issue is probably more with his ex-wife's chosen domestic solution.

If that's the case, and if you and your husband would LIKE to stop hurting over it (maybe there's a payoff in holding onto that pain), then why not just think of them as common-law husband and wife? They've been together for four years. Stepsons have been part of the arrangement for two years. There's a lot of dedication in that, marriage certificate or not.

If your DH is able to make peace with his hurt feelings, he'll be modeling a most admirable ability to his sons – something that will probably serve them in their own lives. It's a nice gift.

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R.M.

answers from Sacramento on

It seems to me that underlying this is that you do not approve of the mother's lifestyle and/or choices. Unless this man is abusive in some way, I see no real problem with how they refer to him as long as the boys, their mom, and her boyfriend agree. I would say let this battle go because it is not a safety issue and they are close enought to adulthood that they may end up resenting you for pushing the issue when they move out on their own. You have let them know more than once how you feel and what your values are.With this issue, I don't think you need to go any further.

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A.C.

answers from Houston on

To be quite honest, it isn't any of your concern what they call him when they are in their mother's custody. They are old enough to know the difference, so you can certainly request that they don't do so in your home...but good luck enforcing it. I should think the fact that they are using STEP is differentiation enough. It isn't their responsibility to deal with your husband's issues on this. He needs to put on his big boy pants and take responsibility for his own feelings.

For the vast majority of society, marriage hasn't carried any weight for YEARS--you lived together before marriage. I am not judging, as I don't think their is anything wrong with it but...but you are trying rationalize that they shouldn't call him step-dad because they aren't married. How do you know they haven't been calling you their step-mom all along? It isn't a marriage certificate that makes someone worthy of becoming a step parent but the actions they take in the relationship.

Since they've made it clear that they have no intention of getting married...what do you expect them to call him ten years from now? She is their mother and has said she doesn't have a problem with it...you're very attached the the way that you did things.

If this is the biggest issue you have to deal with, then count yourself lucky and move on. You'll set a better example by modeling good grace and tolerance in a blended family as chances are they'll likely be divorced or marry someone who is.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

I don't understand why this is causing so much pain. Perhaps you and the boys father are upset that she's living with the man instead of marrying him and so you focus on what the boys call him instead of the real issue?

I would be glad that they call him step-dad because the title denotes respect for his authority. He's been in their lives long enough to be a step-dad in every sense of the word.

You are correct about getting married. It does not carry any weight any more to a large part of our population. Marriage is a choice that a couple make. A couple can be every bit committed to each other without marriage as they would be with marriage. The boys' mother and boyfriend have been together longer than many people who are married have been together.

I strongly believe that what counts the most is how people treat each other. If your step-sons are disrespectful while calling him step-dad then I would understand better. If they are disrespectful, I'd focus on the need for respect rather than on what they call him.

I'm guessing that you don't respect the boys' mother and her boyfriend because they are not married and thus to call him step-dad isn't appropriate in your view because step-dad is a term of respect. At the same time, I would hope that you do expect your step-sons to show the man respect if for no other reason than he is an adult. He is much more than an adult to your step-sons. He is an influence in their lives. You mentioned nothing, except for lack of a marriage certificate, that indicates he's a poor role model.

Your step-sons and your husband's sons are teens and nearly adults. I hope that you've taught them to think for themselves as well as how to make reasonable decisions. You can look at this situation as confirmation that you've done well in preparing them for adulthood or you can be upset because you expect them to think and believe the same way that you do.

Revised: My first response that was below this line was a "knee jerk" reaction and inappropriate. Revision below.

Your husband's sons still call him Dad, don't they? Step-dad is another name for someone who is in the role of dad. So your step-son's have a Dad and a step-dad. The step-dad is not taking over the Dad's role. He's in addition to your husband's role. He's another person who loves your step-sons and who provides a stable life for them.

But he is also a role model and perhaps all of you object to his modeling the role of living together without being married. If that's the issue then discuss with your husband the possibility that he will be better able to influence his sons' values if he talks about his values instead of criticizing what they call the man, who is in reality, in the role of step-dad.

I suggest that they didn't call you step-mom because that wasn't an option and because they were younger and didn't think of doing it for themselves. At 11,12,13 they were more family oriented and less likely to feel pressure to think for themselves. At 16 and 17 they have a world of their own in which to navigate. They need to think for themselves and learn how to deal with life in a way more satisfactory for them as they get close to adulthood. I doubt that they mean disrespect to their Dad. He hasn't lost anything.

Or perhaps he has. For them to call their mother's boyfriend step-dad makes it obvious that he isn't the only important man in his sons' lives? Could he be grieving that loss? If he hasn't already, might it help for him to talk with his sons about how he feels? If they could accept that their Dad is not asking out of anger but out of pain perhaps they could call their step-dad by his first name while they're with their Dad.

You've talked with your step-sons about how their Dad feels. Have you talked with them about how they feel? Perhaps, when both Dad and sons accept the other ones feelings they will no longer need to hold onto their way as the only right way.

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H.O.

answers from Anchorage on

Just let it go..really..kids grow up..where they were not comfortable when you married to call you stepmom..perhaps they are more mature now than they were and are thinking "If mom loves him, and we like him..it's okay". So it should be okay..especially if the man referred to is okay with it. You and your husband should be happy for them. I understand that you might feel hurt..but is it hurt really or jealousy..and really what happened three years ago is hardly something you can hold against them today..that is petty and selfish of both of you and all you will do is push those teenagers away at a time in their lives when they are searching for good role models...'
Pick your battles..sounds to me like sour grapes on the part of you and your husband (their father). He should not be jealous of a man they know full well is not their father as long as they don't become disrespectful to him.

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L.G.

answers from Dallas on

Call me crazy....but I "dont seem to get it either"

I agree with the other posters... I have a deep respect for marriage and also know from experience that having a blended family is hard... you have to be very self aware and understand that not everyone views things the same way that you and your family does. It is hard and often there are hurt feelings.... When I am in your type of situation (which I have been more than once) I have to remind myself that instead of trying to control what happens at my daughter's (and also my step-daughter's) other family's houses, I need to just be thankful she is loved and cared for by so many. My husband has endured a lot of heartache from his daughters step dad early on.... but when he gets his feelings hurt he remembers that her step dad does care for her and love her vry much....it could be worse.

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T.W.

answers from Denver on

This is a tough one, especially in today's society. The bottom line is, she has already taught her boys that there is no regard for getting married by living together in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, I lived with my husband before we married too, I am not going down the holier than thou road. I just think as parents if we decide to make a move in front of our kids to live together before marriage this is one of the casualties. What is the point of getting married, what's the difference? I think by these boys calling the guy "stepdad" is the best choice to encourage a family unit, especially since they have no plans to get married. Just remember that in their household, they have created a family, with or without the legalities. If I were you, I would drop it and move on to more important issues like the boys character, education, and future. Like anything with kids, the more you tell them what to do, the more the resist and that will not get anyone anywhere. The last thing you want to do is alienate them, you want to keep them in your lives and enjoy them for the few years you have them at home.

Good luck.

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R.D.

answers from San Francisco on

Life has changed in so many ways. I was living with a man who I am now married to and my children (2) decided to call him dad. I told them right from the get go, you don't have to. Their father was somewhat upset. However, he met a wonderful woman and things changed, she ended up being "mom"(name). My children wouldn't call her mom as they had grown older at that time. Even when my ex re-married it was never "mom"? Both of my children now have children and they all call the fathers' (2) "papa" or grandpa. They are very much loved, my children and the grandchildren, some things are meant to be changed and some have to be left alone. I know its' hurtful, I felt it and so did my ex, in time it was just overlooked. The children whether "step" or not knew who each were in their hearts. I feel that they just don't want to hurt either side and are keeping a common ground. They love their genetic parents' and always will. If your husband is having a hard time with this maybe explain this to him. They know who their real father is and if first came first they would stand up for him in a minute. He will never lose them to another father, they will always be their for their true father.
I hope this helps!! My daughter had a faulty relationship with her genetic father, they don't speak at all, my husband is all that she has now and he has always been there for her since she was 4. He means so much to her and the grandchildren who my ex has nothing to do with. It ended up that she has a step father but she considers' him her dad, not "father". There is a difference. She knows who her true father is and so do her children. Life just goes on, children know who loves and nurtures' them the most. Good luck and best wishes. Again your husbands' children know their "father" and love him dearly.

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S.B.

answers from Redding on

I definitely think you should let this go. No offense, but you lived together without being married for convenience or testing the waters sake, but now that you are married, you seem to feel you have all these moralistic views on the importance of marriage and what is and isn't proper for kids to say in reference to the situation.
The kids are 16 and 17. Whether their mom is married or not, if they accept this man as their step-dad and they accept the boy as their step-brother, that's not really something you have a right to argue or judge or put your spin on what is proper or not. It's how THEY accept things in their life and you don't really have any say in that.
It's unfortunate, but many kids come from divorced families. If they refer to other adults as step parents or even just mom or dad, think about it from their perspective.....
They shouldn't have to explain anything to anyone. "We call him our step dad but he's really not technically because they aren't married and really he's just a boyfriend but he lives with us and our "brother" is really just his kid from his first marriage....."
If they say to their friends, "Our dad will drop us off at the movies" maybe it's just easier than going into the whole entire dialog about how he's not really their dad....
Adults have marriages that don't work out and subsequent relationships that do or don't work out and the kids just have to figure out how to survive it all.
It's kind of ironic that adults get upset over how kids get things worked out for themselves when it comes to who is who and what is what given the fact that marriage vows are supposed to be forever and sadly rarely are.
And, for heaven's sakes, why is your mother saying anything to those kids about what they call a man in their lives? It's even less her business. She can have all the opinions she wants, but she can keep it to herself. Step-Grandma doesn't like her step-grandkids calling their mom's boyfriend step-dad?
Why should your husband be so upset about this? He's not married to his wife anymore. She has the right to move on with her life. Married or not, the kids aren't 6 and 7, they're teenagers and if they want to call him step-dad, it doesn't harm your husband or his life in any way.
I just don't think you should be so hung up on labels or technicalities especially if the kids aren't. And you should be glad in a way that they aren't. Just let them be kids and have a grip on their situation the best way they know how.
I have no doubt you care for them and you are wanting to do what you think is right, but you can't always make those decisions for other people.
Marriage is a commitment and it is a sacred thing. But, it's kind of hard to cram that down the throats of kids who come from divorce in the first place.
They already know that there is no such thing as a definitive definition of "family".
Enjoy the kids. Be glad they're happy.

Best wishes.

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B.B.

answers from Washington DC on

I think you should let it go. Making it an issue will only drive a wedge between you and the boys, and in the long run, it isn't worth it. As long as they have a close relationship with you and their Dad, what's the problem?

When I was growing up, there were two couples that were very dear friends to my parents. I grew up calling them "Aunt" and "Uncle."Still do, after nearly 50 years. I always knew they weren't actually related to me, but the titles served as an expression of affection and respect. Perhaps this is the case with your stepsons.

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C.T.

answers from Denver on

I say let it go as long as the issue is more about your husband feeling "replaced" and not really about the value of marriage. Your stepsons are older teens and nearly adults. They obviously feel bonded enough to this man and his own son to call them "stepdad" and "stepbrother". Be thankful for them that they have these kinds of productive relationships in their lives.

Talk to them about the value of marriage and commitment in terms that they can understand rather than as a criticism of the way their mom is choosing to run her life. They will defend her to the end and your input will be completely lost on them.

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S.H.

answers from Dallas on

Not every couple believes that you have to get a piece of paper to make make you a complete couple. If they have been living together for 2 years and dated 2 years before that then I would say that it sounds pretty stable. If the kid consider him to be their stepdad then so be it. I bet that their mom had some sour feeling when they started calling you stepmom. Kids dont get wrapped up in the same sterotypes as adults do. I am married and do believe that it does makes a better family unit in the whole, I understand that not everyone feels that way. As long as he treats the kids well and it does not appear that he will just take off tomorrow, then I do not see the harm in this. Even if they were married, that would be no guarantee that they would no get a divorce.

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K.N.

answers from Austin on

It sounds like they are representing themselves as a married couple, which falls under Common Law marriage. I've met a lot of people who don't believe in the necessity of marriage vows, usually when one or both have already been married and gone through the cost and nastiness of divorce.

I would let it go if I were you. Otherwise bringing up the subject to them or your sons makes you look petty--Not to mention holding a 'better than you' impression. Your real concern, it would seem to me, is that their marital situation undermines the value of traditional marriage that you wanted to instill with your stepsons. So your strategy should be how to address (with you stepsons) any concern about them choosing common law marriage and/or children out of wedlock instead of traditional marriage. Although I would refrain from bringing up that topic for a while, because it's too soon after you've already complained specifically about their mother (and your creditabilty was diminished in their eyes on this topic).

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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

You need to let it go. Your husband should deal with it if it bothers him that much.

Stop fighting his battles.

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Y.C.

answers from New York on

I honestly don't understand to much why you point out so much about the marriage thing when you also live with your husband before getting married, you don't mention how long you were living together before you got married.
How do your step kids call you in that time?
Is it possible that also you feel a little upset that they didn't start calling you step mom right away like they are doing with their mom's boyfriend?
Why your husband is so upset? Is he kind of jealous?
Honestly, at that age, if they wouldn't like this guy, or if he was not a good step dad, it wouldn't be a way for the mom to make them call him that.
So I am guessing that the guys is having a good and respectful relationship with the kids, are you happy about that?
Would be better if they hate the guy but the mom marry him?
They may or may not get married later, and you or your husband really have not any input on it.
I do agree with you, for me the compromisee of marriage is important, however, I was married before and I can tell you the paper is not a guaranty, and I did got married with my now husband (we didn't live together until married but he did spend some nights at my house when we engage, specially because he was here and I was in Mexico). But I know many friends that have live with their "boyfriends" longer that I have been married and have kids.

Btw, I saw a post in here not long ago about a mom complaining her daughter calls her step mom just "mom". Most people said that this was ok if the little girl wanted call her that and the step mom and father were married. Would your husband would ok if they get married and they call the SF just dad?

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

They are in a tough position because if they if she has asked them to call him stepdad, it will be disrespectful NOT to call him what she asks, especially if they live with her part of the time. I don't believe the man deserves the title - but who knows, he may be being a better parent to them when they're with her than she is - so maybe it's their way of respecting that?

Why does it hurt your husbands feelings? He is their DAD, they know it and he knows it. He needs to be confident in his position and be truthful about his feelings (as he has been), but he needs to stop harping on it because it hasn't and won't change anything other than pushing the boys away potentially.

There is nothing you can do to change this, and the only thing you are doing is giving them grief unnecessarily - I say that because their mom controls half of the situation. And considering the mom's track record, this problem may take care of itself eventually.

Spend time with them, love them, be the good example.

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G.T.

answers from San Francisco on

This man is leaving with their mom. I understand your point that they are not married but how should they refer to him. Any other option would be longer and only trigger more questions that they may not want to answer.
It's hard for them. Even if no knot has been tied, their mom and her boyfriend are actually living like husband and wife. Stepdad is an easy way to refer to this man and (except for the marriage) reflect the actual reality of this couple. It would be very awkward if they had to always refer to him as their "mom's live-in boyfriend".
You could brainstorm with your husband to find an alternative way to refer to the man, that would be as easy and clear as "stepdad" and explain to them that this actually hurt your feelings and propose them your solution.
If you don't have a better name for him, it would be better to just let it go. But, you can still ask them to avoid the term in your presence or in your house because this is disturbing for you (and with you and other familiar people, I assume they would just use his first name?)
Do you think it would really be easier on your husband if they were really married? Another important man in their lives in all cases, marriage certificate or not.
Imagine also if they would simply call him simply "dad" as often do younger step children.

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would say let this go. Their mother's BF has been in their lives for four years - 25% of their lifetimes. As teenagers, they are old enough to pick the name they feel comfortable calling him. They probably found saying "my mom's boyfriend" and "my mom's boyfriend's son" too convoluted to say in conversations and started saying "step-brother" and "step-dad" instead because these names are simpler, and capture the essence of the relationships, even if not the legality of them. You and your husband have made your opinion clear, and now I think you should let it go. The fact that they have a good relationship with the "steps" in their household is a positive thing.

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D.S.

answers from Tulsa on

my 21 yr old calls my live in his step dad and his kids his step brothers. at 16 and 17 they are old enough to make this decision. it is not meant to be disrespectful to their dad. but obviously this guy acts like a father figure and doesnt treat them like they are a burden. why are you meddling in the fact that they are not married that is none of your business. period. I chose not to get remarried right away because of the way the first one turned out. you need to take care of your life and stay out of thiers. maybe your husband burnt her so bad in the divorce she is chosing not to get remarried because of it. so what if she has had many other boyfriends that is her affair not yours and you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. obviously your husband was not her prince charming and she has commitment issues which are none of your business. that is hers and only hers so stay out of her life and get in your own where you belong.

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

Let it go and have your husband go to counseling if it really is bothering him and affecting his life.

Unless YOUR HUSBAND actually asks you to do something about it, I would drop the subject and not focus on it,. He is a grown man and if he really wants to say something or do something about it, I am sure he will..

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N.S.

answers from Chicago on

It could be that your stepsons are a little embarrassed that their mom hasn't gotten married or they don't feel like explaining that he's only a boyfriend. Plus, they may actually feel like he's their stepdad.

I understand where you are coming from, my stepdaughter's mom won't ever get married again and she's had boyfriends and kids with boyfriends. The last one my stepdaughter lived with when she was over there and they had a child together. She called him by his first name, but she loved him like a stepdad. She was devistated when they separated. I remember she had a hard time explaining who he was to her friends, she'd say "that's my mom's boyfriend, he lives with us and he's my sister's dad." I'm sure it would have been much easier to just call him "stepdad" and leave it at that.

Your stepsons may change their ideas about marriage when they get older. Until then, I wouldn't worry about it. With all the things to worry about and keep balanced in a divorced-with-children situation, this would be the least of mine!!

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B.J.

answers from Augusta on

I see the way you painted your pitcher in your favor as you self proclaimed and tried to pull heart strings in making as you said two different times " It hurts his feelings". The hell with his feelings. In the USA the families origins and histories are nearly impossible to get accurate due to things like " his feelings get hurt". You need to tell him to get over it as you will more than likely have a different husband within 5 years anyway. Children have one real mom and one real dad. All the other are husbands and wives. JUST PAINT THE REAL PITCHER. They should call him with respect, Mr. Whatever.. And as for your mistakes, don't put them on you children. Just keep it real. By the way no one is even close to perfect.just try and get it right.after all LOVE is LOVE no matter what they call him. My wife's daughter calls me B. and loves me very much. The thing is, She already has a dad even though hes isn't around much but she still loves him and thats the truth in black and white.

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M.W.

answers from Kalamazoo on

Let it go. I know you made a distinction about not having them refer to you as their step mom until you were married to their dad, but really, this is trivial. They are not understanding the difference between living together and being married. Its just a piece of paper to them, as both parents have modeled, so they are responding to it that way.

Basically in a situation with divorced parents, the kids LOVE to pit the exes against each other and manipulate to get the most out of the situation. There is NOTHING you CAN do about them calling him their step dad while they're at mom's house. However if this really bothers your husband he can make it a rule that they don't use that term when they're under your roof. Treat it as if they were using foul language and punish appropriately. However, since they don't respond to him asking them not to, then obviously they don't value his feelings about this and enjoy seeing him hurt by it. Its a window into what they're dealing with right now and part of a bigger picture.

Best wishes

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R.A.

answers from Detroit on

I agree that it isn't "basically the same thing", but try to think of it from their perspective. As a child of divorce myself I can tell you that it can be pretty difficult and confusing to explain the nuances of each relationship to all of your friends. Sometimes it's just easier and requires less explaination to use the stepparent term. My mom hated the stepmom word too, because she was already my mom, but after she heard me have to explain how everyone was related to me at one of my dance recitals she realized how hard the situation was for me. Cut them some slack. They aren't trying to be disrespectful, and they know who their "real" dad is, they are just trying to make their life as least confusing as possible and not stand out from their friends. Good luck.

D.B.

answers from Detroit on

I'm probably going to be in the minority here, but will still add my two cents LOL....the lines these days have become so very blurred that my son calls all my friends "auntie so and so", I call everyone I know and love "family" whether they are or not and I call my sisters babydaddy (whom SHE doesn't really like, but I WISH she would marry) "brother in law" (it drives her crazy, which just adds to the fun LOL). I guess the point is, while I agree with you that it takes away from the meaning of marriage and being and "actual" step dad....maybe he means something to them which might be why they refer to him and his son as "step dad/step brother". Try to put it aside for now and let them refer to him this way...I didn't get the impression from your post that mom is INSISTING when they really prefer not to, so I say no harm no foul. Maybe they've discussed getting married but just can't afford to right at the moment. As long as his cares for the kids and mom, its not really worth getting into a family fight over.

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C.B.

answers from Detroit on

Personally, I don't see what the mishmash is either. As long as they call your husband 'dad', I don't see why there's an issue. Is the problem that they don't listen or respect your views? That's what it's boiling down to, it seems.
It could be the case that their mom has had enough boyfriends that 'always seemed the right guy' that they started the procedure of getting used to calling each one 'stepdad'. It lost its meaning in other words.
I really wouldn't make too much of this.

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C.W.

answers from Santa Barbara on

I don't think you are "old fashioned" as you say since you lived together before marriage (no judging). Your husband is probably hurt by the "step dad" term but you should look at it from their perspective. Having a step dad is easier to convey than "my mom's live in boyfriend". It's great that you have let it slide. Best of luck.

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C.G.

answers from Detroit on

I hear your concerns but if their biological mother doesn't see that this is an issue, the only thing you could do is respect her decision. It seems to me like the kids have no respect for their dad if he has voiced his opinion about the situation as well. How active is their dad in their lives plays a factor also.

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