Child Seperation Anxiety

Hi J'Amile,

First I would issue a complain on how they let your daughter cry for half an hour. Then I will tell her which I am sure you have that you are just outside waiting for her. And that Daddy wants to spend time with her. I would tell her all week, this way it not new to her everytime. I hope it works out. :)

I would guess that this may agency's involvement is then reported to the family or surrogate court? If so stay connected w/ your daughter's law guardian.
In the meantime, express your concerns w/ the Social Worker who is supposed to be supervising this contact. If poor response from him/her, report it to the supervisor or agency head.
Your daughter needs to be able to gradually have visitation contact - not traumatized into it!!
I am a Social Worker who worked in Child Welfare & supervised before doing court liaison work. I now work in mental health. Definitely stay involved closely w/ how the agency & Workers are supervising. Do not rely on his/her discretion- unfortunately the skill level varies widely and in terms of impact on your daughter's emotional response - it is important that you also "supervise" (so to speak) the agency's interventions & responses from your daughter.
Is it not possible for you to be present in the room for these first few contacts w/ the Soc. Wrkr also present ? That would be in your daughter's best interest in becoming acquainted or re-acquainted(?) w/ this stranger who she knows as "daddy" from afar, that is as not having been in a relationship w/ her except by seeing pictures.

Hi J.,

That is a very tough situation and I can imagine how tough it is on your little girl. When my 3 year old started nursery school he had a very tough time so I used to give him something of mine to take with him ie; a hair clip, sometimes a cheap piece of jewlery, even a photogragh. Eventually he became comfortable at school.

Your story shows multiple reasons why your girl is clinging to you. Her dad has short supervised visits and she has been left to cry. But, its also her age. Obviously she is closer to you than anyone else ans you should try to find other people you trsut to spend time with you both then gradually let your daughter be with that person (friend or family or neighbor or babysitter). This will help your girl trust people and feel more comfortable without you. It will help you both relax!

And as I was saying, as she gets older she understands more and needs you more, so its natural she clings.

Mine is 3 and cries when I leave her but recovers fast bc she learned I will always come back.

Hi,

I am highly upset that someone with the children's agency would let your child get that upset. Someone there is not doing their job to "protect the children"! You need to talk to someone there to make sure that never happens again, because you cannot stop court ordered visits, so you have to make some changes to make visits easier for your child.

Now, unfortunately, it is up to you to try to fix this on your own.

1. Can you supervise the visits yourself, or a family member you trust? (I know, this will be hard, because she is supposed to be getting used to him, without you)

2. Is there a window to witness the visit and your child's reaction to her father? (Since apparently they dont know when to end the visit, you may need to)

3. For the comfort of you and your child, you need to explain to her that she NEEDS to visit with her father, without you and you will be waiting for her when she is done with her visit, which wont be long and its ok to be scared. You may have to explain this to her, and to yourself, every week. And dont forget to try to get her to talk about her visits right after the visit. (get her thoughts, feelings, and what she wants to do with her dad, like go out to eat, go to the zoo, or park/playground?) Keep conversation open, talk about everything.

4. Give her a picture of you that she can keep in her pocket to look at anytime she wants. Do this so she can look at it even when you are not in the room, so she can feel safe.

5. Find a dollie or teddy bear or even a small blanket (or a pillow case with your scent on it? whatever it takes) that makes her feel safe when you are not right by her side. Tell her that it is mommy's helper, to watch over her, keep her safe and be with her when you have things to do, even when your in another room. Then let her take it with her when she sees her dad, they cannot take it away from her!

I went throught the same thing with my son, now 8. He was 2 1/2 when his dad wanted to take him home with him, instead of visiting at my house. We went through court, he had 1 month of supervised visits, every saturday, at my parents house. (He drove 4 hours one way to do this). It broke my heart every second, knowing he was going to be taking my little boy so far away from me.
The second month, he had local overnight visits with my son. He drove up early every saturday, took him to a local motel, had to feed him, bath him and put him to bed at a decent time and learn to spend time with him alone. I demanded the local overnights because if there was a bad reaction, I wanted to be able to get to him quickly.
After those visits, he was able to take him home on Fridays and bring him home sundays. every other weekend. I was a real basket case for about 3 months until I could get used to him being gone, I had a real fear that he would not bring him home. All went well and he still shows up every other friday for our son.
It will turn out well and she does need her dad, good luck.

I don't leave the room. I have supervised visits with CYS set up for an hour(whenever he decides he wants to see her. My ex has seen "our" daughter three times since Jan 2007.

They cannot make you leave the room and you don't have to. I had to put aside my ill feelings towards her father to make sure my daughter was safe and didn't get to the point of being uncomfortable with him, so I sit in on the visits.

Talk to the director of the agency and they him/her that you ARE going to be present for every visit until YOU feel she is going to be okay.

Good luck,
Nanc

first a question.. has the problem gotten worse when you leave her and go to work or has it only gotten worst at the 'daddy visits'. i would suggest talking it up all week.... make it into a positive fun thing... also have a short goodbye when her attention isn't completely on you. maybe plan something special after the visit if she's a big girl and doesn't throw a fit.
good luck.

If I am right in reading its not only the meetings with the dad you have problems with its seperation at all times.
If I am right then I went through the same thing with my daughter. I would have to leave for work before she got up and come home after she got home. She would cling to me whenever I had a day off or took a day to come see her plays.
After feeling like a bad parent I learned a few things from a friend of mine.
1. give her something of yours and you take something of hers when you do have to leave. I
2. Talk to her. Reasure her that you are comming back.
3. Lissen to her. She is 2 so she should be able to convay her feelings. It may take some coaching but she will get use to it
4. Dont extend out parting when you do have to leave. Make it short and sweet. A kiss and a hug while she is standing on the floor. (don't pick her up) Tell her you lover her and out the door.

They have books on this topic if you want more help. It will take time but it worked for me.
Good luck

You need to be present until she is comfortable with her father. Also if you have bad feelings towards him you need to sort these out first, since children very easily pick up on your moods. Try to be friendly when you enter the room and then sit quietly while he chats with her. Insist that you be present. Imagine if you were stuck in a strange room with a strange man and didnt know why.