Are You And/or Your husband/SO the Jealous Type?

Updated on August 09, 2011
E.P. asks from Mount Joy, PA
19 answers

My husband and I were discussing a friend of his who as a particularly jealous wife (it's the second marriage for both of them). The jealousy seems to sabatage their relationship pretty often - creating the very thing she DOESN'T want to happen - distance in the relationship. The guy would never cheat, but the wife got burned in the past and has security issues (I totally get this btw).

So we were talking about how neither one of us is jealous. We both know the other person's romantic past and we're fine with that. We can mention an old flame by name or tell a story about them and neither person is upset by it. We can both take note of a particularly beautiful woman or man in the other's presence and we're fine with that. When all is said & done, we are happy and neither of us would want to be with anyone else (well, there is always the possibility of George Clooney knocking on my door, but I digress).
So my question is - are either you or your husband or SO the jealous type and do you both know your partner's romantic history? What makes some people jealous and others not? Just curious.

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answers from Houston on


I cant tolerate jealousy. I had a stalker in my teenage years and cannot stand the idea of any all.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

Personally, I think insecurity is the root of jealousy.
I may have been more "jealous" when I was in HS, college, etc. but I think once you know who you "are" the jealousy becomes almost a joke of a concept. It IS something you can choose to stop.
You need to be mature enough to know that most adults don't live in a bubble until they marry, and that the past is the past.
I trust my husband %200, as he does me. It's a non issue.
There are times another woman is obviously enjoying a conversation with my husband, but what I feel isn't a "jealousy" thing--it's more like a "see I married a charming man" kind of thing.
Truthfully, there are people that THRIVE on the drama.
Personally, I feel it's immature and most always a symptom of a larger problem.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Not at all. But George Clooney is not knocking on your door, he's knocking on MY door, and then my husband has no hope.

Jealousy is destructive.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

i really don't like how the general consensus on this topic is "if you're jealous, you're insecure and have a shitty relationship". My husband gets what I like to call "healthy jealousy"...i like that he likes to have his arm around me and sort of mark his territory when i'm looking good and there are other attractive males around. He likes when i get a little huffy and puffy if another female was hitting on him. It drives me crazy that he will run to my phone when it rings or I get a text to see who it is before I get there, but part of me loves that he still feels hot enough for me to care.

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answers from Rochester on

We aren't jealous, but I don't think that's the issue when it comes to talking about "past loves." I certainly don't want to hear about my husband's exploits, or he mine. Yuck. I prefer to think we are together, as a couple, the only ones who have been together! :) We know the truth, but come on...I really don't want to hear it. Neither does he. I think that's pretty common...and I don't think that's jealousy.

I think what makes some people really jealous, though, is a simple lack of security. You really have to have faith that you are the love of his life, etc, and fully put yourself in that role.

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answers from Baton Rouge on

Neither of us are jealous. Either you trust each other or you don't.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

We know pasts, certainly. We don't feel the need to speak about it often, though. We also don't sit and talk about how other people are attractive, simply out of respect. Neither of us would be jealous if the other said something, but we do not feel it's respecting our spouse to do so. We also don't feel the need to comment on someone else being attractive, that's odd to me. (To each his own, though!!) We are not jealous, because neither of us have been burned in the past. We haven't had bad relationships, just ones that weren't mean to be. We are secure in our relationship, and selves. I also know he would never talk to another woman, the way he does to me. He wouldn't see out another woman's attention. It's that security, I know he doesn't want to hurt me, and will protect our relationship at all costs. I think jealousy comes from insecurity. Plain and simple.

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answers from Honolulu on

I have never been the jealous type.
My Husband, never has

I know my Husband's romantic history.
He knows mine.
We had both lived it up, quite well, in our single lives, before getting married.

There is no point in being jealous. It is based on unreality.
Everyone has a past.
That cannot be erased.

Some people, I believe, are just born jealous. I have seen very young kids that way... and adults. It can be taught or learned out, of the person. But in SOME people, it is an intrinsic and inherent 'trait' that they have.
And like a bad habit or uncontrolled impulse... they do not know how, to get a grip on their jealousy.

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answers from Seattle on

I've never been the jealous type UNLESS I'm being cheated on. Then I'm pretty jealous. I can & have dealt just fine with open relationships in the past, but I absolutely CANNOT handle lying and cheating (huge difference between open relationship and cheating). My god. Just be HONEST and let me figure out my own place/ needs instead of trying to manipulate me. Grrr.

As far as histories go? I'm pretty open about mine, but I don't go into all the gory details... and my "number" is higher than my husband's, so he'll never know just how much higher... because that's one of his insecurities. He's fine* with a general idea that I've catted around more than he has, but the actual number would tick him off.

I don't know about his. I've found out over the past few months that he's been lying to me pretty much since day 1 about everything. I THOUGHT I knew his history, but I don't know now, how much was fabricated. I mean, if you're going to lie about things as basic as where you want to live (city, suburb, country... house/apt....geography, etc.) and what you enjoy doing (as in what you find fun)... what ELSE are you going to lie about? This is also where the little asterisk comes in from above. In a lot of ways I know my hsband better than he knows himself, and in other ways I don't know him at all. Pretty much if his mouth was moving, he was lying (which I don't understand why someone would do that), so anything he's every told me is suspect. He TOLD me he'd be fine with the number, but I went with my gut that particular time, so I think I was right to tell him I wasn't going to answer with a number.)

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answers from Norfolk on

My husband and I first met when he was 14 and I was 17 - so we kind of grew up together.
There were times when we were jealous - when we were teens and unsure of who we were and what we wanted.
We got married at 24 and 27 and by then we had our degrees, we had jobs and apartments of our own - we had a feeling of our self worth and what we had to offer.
We both know everything about each others romantic history.
A few of my old boyfriends my husband will never like, and he had a few old girlfriends I will never like.
The point is - we won - he picked me and I picked him, and if we ever lose each other (due to stupidity/messing around) we both know it would be the biggest mistake of our lives.
My husband sometimes thinks he's old and grey and no one else would ever want him.
I tell him he's as handsome to me as ever, and he's sweet, generous and loving - if he were on the market women would be knocking his door down to get at him.
I'm no spring chicken myself anymore, but he loves coming home to me and he misses me so much when he has to travel for work (and I miss him, too).
We know who we are and we're very happy together.
There's no room for jealousy - we've grown way past it.
We celebrate our 22nd anniversary end of this month.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

Neither of us are the jealous type because neither of us are insecure.

I don't get the insecurity from a cheating ex, my ex cheated but my husband is not my ex. How completely unfair is it to assume that. She needs to get help to get over her insecurities. Really it will destroy their marriage. I don't know maybe it is just me but no one should get into a relationship if they are incapable of trusting the other.

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answers from San Francisco on

I think only insecure people are jealous, but that's just my opinion :)

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answers from Seattle on

I feel jealous sometimes. More often, I feel insecure. I don't have to DO anything about it. I can just notice it, communicate (if that seems productive), and then do what I can to let it go and find a way to get what I think I'm missing.

For example: I'm feeling jealous translates into, "I'm not getting something I want/need and I think you are getting that thing." So, I can say, what is it that I want? More time with my husband? More affection? More validation?

Or: I'm feeling insecure can translate into, "I feel scared you are going to betray me and/or I don't feel deeply valuable right now." Since my husband has betrayed my trust (not by cheating, but in a different not sex related area) there is some relevant history. It's helpful for me to talk about it. "I'm feeling scared that you are going to __________. Where are you at with that?"

Otherwise, if it's inside of me, I can say, "I am feeling insecure. Would you be willing to stay home and give me extra attention?" If he's not, I can either meet my own wants/needs, invite a friend over, or I can ask him again with more explanation.

I don't think it's a bad thing to have feelings. I think it's unproductive and sometimes unhealthy to make my decisions based ONLY on my feelings, of which I've fully blamed on an external source, and expected them to fix it for me.

I have been cheated on in the past, and I wasn't able to think very strait. I've grown up a little since then, but I hope I don't have to test my new tools by seeing if they hold up under that sort of betrayal and dishonesty.



answers from Savannah on

In my opinion, jealousy most often comes from hurt, whether it's from a parent, an ex, or their current love...or even an inner hurt like maybe they aren't happy with themselves and in their own eyes their not so good qualities stand out. If we can't love ourselves, how can anyone else, we think. I don't think it has anything to do with whether or not you know about your spouse's history. It has to do with how happy you are with yourself, and if you are at peace with your own past. Keep in mind that you never know exactly what's going on in someone else's marriage. Even if he's not cheating on her, does he do what he can to make her feel safe? Does he make little comments or have little attitudes that would make her feel less? Those little things are not things you could know as an outsider looking in because we never really know what's going on behind closed doors. I wouldn't be judgmental of her jealousy, just be thankful about your own good relationship and be happy that you're in a good place.
As for us: I used to be jealous of my husband because of some other issues, but he was really patient and I got help for those issues. His mantra for our first year of marriage was calmly and lovingly saying "I am not your father" and building me up instead of getting aggravated with me. We do both know our histories, that was never an issue. Couldn't care less about the past. In a way, I'm GLAD we both lived lives before each other. We both "sowed our oats" and can rest knowing that we both got it out of our system and that we knew what we were getting into when we chose to leave those lifestyles. All my friends (ALL of them) that got married younger ended up divorcing because one or both of them realized they hadn't experienced "life" before marriage and kept wondering what was out there.



answers from Binghamton on

I used to be jealous of my husband, which drove me crazy. I could see how useless and destructive it was. Then one day, I wasn't. I have no idea how it happened, but it thrilled me to be rid of those feelings. My jealously disappeared quite mysteriously, and I have always wondered how that worked. It is such a pleasure to be able to talk to my husband about past loves and attractive people we meet over the course of an ordinary day and enjoy the feeling of closeness that kinds of sharing brings rather than suffer under the curse of the green-eyed monster.


answers from Providence on

Most often it is caused by insecurities, as well as lack of trust for their partner.

If you have a good solid relationship, those insecurities and trust issues would not be there. Honesty and communication keeps them at bay. Also, feeling good about yourself, and having good self esteem is also key.

My husband and I both know each other's romantic history. It doesn't bother us , and in the beginning of our relationship it helped us during arguments or whatever to discuss how to change our relationship so we don't make the same mistakes. I also am still friends with most of my ex's ( all mainly from high school mind you), and it doesn't bother him at all that I have these friendships( he has actually met some of them ) . He trusts me, and I trust him. It's as simple as that.


answers from La Crosse on

My ex hubby was SO bad. He even got jealous when I would talk to my dad or brothers!! I had to cut all of my male friends out. Then my married female friends... you know cause they husbands who are male. Well I am a social flirtous butterfly. Long story short it didn't work out.

My hubby now is the complete oppisite. I even told him on the first date that I don't do jealousy :) He excepts my male friends cause he has his female friends. He is friends with my ex boyfriend from high school who I remained friends with. We go out with his ex girlfriend who he stayed friends with. We both know about our past relationships... a little too much in some cases. I think it has brought us closer in our marriage.

We both fully trust each other and have never thought about cheating well unless Johnny Depp comes into my path and Jessica Alba into his ;)



answers from New York on

I've been married 21 years and we've never had any drama nor do we desire any. We don't flirt with others, we've never had exes who were still in contact or in the picture and we've never behaved in ways that would encourage jealousy. Just not a part of our life.


answers from Jacksonville on

Gonna have to say no. I even have an ex fiance that I talk to and my husband doesn't care, heck my best friend and I even visited him when we happened to be in the same town! Of course I tell my husband every time I talk, or get an email from the ex so he knows that I am not hiding anything. The same goes for him. He has a female friend (that I think kinda has a crush on him but has NEVER tried anything) that he talks to occasionally. He always tells me about that too. Now if either one of us started doing any of this behind each others backs then that is where there would be a problem.

Bottom line is we trust each other, so there is really no reason for jealousy.
Oh and yes we know each others romantic past. Gotta say mine's more extensive. ;)

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