The Dreaded Facebook Question

Updated on April 06, 2011
Y.M. asks from Chicago, IL
21 answers

So, I'm new to mamapedia and I searched for other facebook questions, but just wanted your opinion. I have been with my BF for 4 years - we are not married, and don't live together, but are committed (well, except for that one affair he had). We discuss the future often including our desire to be together forever and will probably marry in the not so soon future. We are both divorced. He was unfaithful to me with a previous girlfriend - by way of just not ending the relationship with her when we became exclusive so every couple of months (for 3 1/2 years) they would 'hook up' and go do something - might be a movie, might be coffee, might be sex (not all the time sex). This went on until I 'caught him' by reading some emails between the two of them. We are working on getting past this - he did 'everything right' according to our counselor (ended it, answered questions etc etc).

I feel like this history is relevant to my question......

My question is - what kinds/amounts of conversations does your b'friend/partner/hubby have on facebook with 'colleagues'. I say colleague - might be old classmates from college or friends from work. How often does he correspond with his friends (male or female) and does he tell you if he is getting in touch with friends (of either gender) that he hasn't talked to in years - not in a 'report what you're doing" but in a 'hey, I'm back in touch with good friend of mine from college" kind of way.

I do have his passwords to email and facebook, but our agreement (sponsored by our counselor) is that if I want to see any of his emails I will communicate with him rather than just all out constant espionage - so I kinda think he wouldn't be that dumb to communicate with a girl he would hook up with in the future - plus pics of us are posted, so it's not like she wouldn't know. This is more of just a general - how much does your partner communicate with same-gender friends rather than a "i am suspicious of this one person" - because right now it's not just one person - its sort of just it's only been about 6 months since I found out so I may just be still sensitive. And it was just one girl who he was dating previously when he met me - so it's not like I think he may just randomly cheat at a bar or whatever.

But I get a little weird about when he is "friends" on facebook with new people. He has a gazillion friends. Litterally - like almost 500. He actually knows most of them, he is a consultant so he is in a different work setting every couple of months until the project is completed so he is always meeting new people. I do realize that I am a bit jaded (but have never been the 'jealous' type before this) so I wanted to see what others experience to see if I am just over-reacting. Sorry this is so long - I'm sorta rambling.

I haven't said anything to him, nor do I question who his friends are. I don't want to accuse him and I'm not sure having the "honey, I'm insecure" talk is the way to go..... I just more wanted some perspective.

Thanks for your input.

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answers from Charlotte on


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answers from Chicago on

You either trust him or you don't. Sounds like don't. Either find a way to get past this and trust him again or break up with him. Because if you can't get past this, there's no point in staying in a relationship with him. You're just torturing the both of you.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on


5 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

My husband has a facebook page and checks it in the mornings before work.
He also has 3 email accounts because he has a personal 1, another for his own business and another for his main job.

He has always told me I am free to look through any of them at anytime. I am the same. Sometimes he will call and ask me to look on his FB or an email for something.. I do the same. I call him and ask him to look up stuff on there.

If I could not trust my husband with my whole heart, I could not be married to him. I would not have the energy it takes to keep up with him. And if he did not trust me, it would send me over the edge to be untrusted and try to catch me at something.. again too much wasted energy.

We will celebrate our 30th anniversary in the fall. We fought hard to get married and we fight hard to stay together, just with everyday problems..We do not have time to be fooling around.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

Remember the robot in the old Lost in Space shows: "Warning Will Robinson! Warning!"

Wow, I see red flags all over your situation. (3 1/2 *YEARS* he carried on with his other girlfriend??) Ya' know, this isn't about Facebook. The insecurity you feel towards his Facebook account will never go away... And once you have kids, your body changes, little weight gain here, some wrinkles and gray hairs there... Your suspicions and insecurities will augment. Whenever he works late, whenever he has business travel, going to lunch with female coworkers... He could quit Facebook altogether and you'd still feel the same way.

You need to let go of the Facebook jealousy/insecurity and trust him completely or break-up and find a guy that hasn't compromised your trust.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

You are in the beginning of a relationship and you're already seeing a counselor? This is the time you should be madly in love and have no problems. If you have issues already, imagine what it will be like 10 years from now when you have kids and money issues, etc. I find the girlfriend issue WAY more disturbing than how many friends he has on Facebook. From my perspective, it's time for you to move on.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

We hide NOTHING from each other.

Here's my perspective. It's glaringly clear you don't trust this man. It's obvious, marriage is not in the near future. Maybe, to everyone but you? (And yes, I think it's obvious to him as well.) I'm not trying to be harsh, but honest.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

You can't be in a relationship and expect it to work until you love yourself. How can you talk about a future with someone you obviously don't trust? So if I read your post right, you have been together for 4 years and he has been cheating for 3.5? Wow... Why would you stick around?? The facebook stuff is not really the issue, it's trust.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

Oh my goodness. You have had a four year relationship where he has been sleeping with his other girlfriend for three and a half. I mean you do see that not breaking up with her means she was not an ex-girlfriend?

So did he actually break up with her or is he just working through your insecurities? By the way insecurities really doesn't hit the nail on the head. I mean is a person afraid to step out in front of a car insecure about being hit by said car or is that common sense? He had a second relationship he hid from you for most of the relationship, it is common sense to think he may do it again or perhaps never stopped.

If your life wasn't involved I would find it sooooo funny that you think this is about Facebook. He needs attention, he needs lots of friends, he needs multiple girlfriends because he is insecure. I really doubt that he is going to work through that problem and that means he will cheat again. You can be the most amazing person on earth but you cannot give him self-esteem. He must find that on his own.

Oh I have known my fiancée for almost two years and he has looked on his Facebook four times, maybe five. After we got engaged I had to log onto his Facebook to accept it on his end, or whatever that is called. I really don't use my Facebook either.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


If you aren't married yet - I would say don't proceed with this relationship.

If you don't trust him NOW - you won't trust him later. Counseling or no - it will always be in the back of your mind.

1. I don't check up on my husband. He has a TON of FB friends (over 5K) and plays games, etc.

2. I don't have his PW to his e-mail or his FB. I don't need it.

3. I don't check up on him on his cell phone either - I don't try and read his texts or go over the phone bill with a fine tooth comb looking at numbers dialed, etc. or the amount of texts he does.

If you have to do this - you don't have a relationship. Just walk away now and tell him thank you for the good times and bad times - you will always have a place in my heart - but it's not fair to either one of us to have this doubt or cloud over our heads.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

the rest of your life you are always going to be wondering what he's doing and who he's doing it with. everything may be fine for 10 years and then the first thing that happens that's a little "off", its going to pop in your mind that he's cheating. frankly, that's no way to live your life. since you aren't married, have already been divorced, I would find someone else or be single. it's just not worth the stress. I speak this from experience. good luck.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

I ditto Laurie A.

My Hubby has FB and other accounts.
He hides nothing.
He shows me.
He has TONS of friends around the globe.
I am not insecure about it.
He has nothing to hide.
He tells me if a former Ex-something 'found' him.
He has colleagues as well.
He has family on there.
He has classmates on there.
Its fine.

I trust him.
He trusts me.
He knows boundaries.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Do you have kids together?
otherwise Walk Away from this guy now.

You are not insecure, he is a cheater.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

My husband has FB and personal email accounts. I don't check his texts, call logs or browsing history. I don't have to. I trust him. He has absolutely nothing to hide from me. He doesn't check mine, either. He has no reason to. We trust each other completely.

His "friend requests" (I don't facebook, so I'm light on the lingo) usually result in a fun conversation between the two of us, like, "hey, guess who is trying to friend me?"

We have been married for 14 years, together for 17. I'm sorry that you don't have this kind of trust with your boyfriend, and quite honestly, he doesn't sound worth the effort.

You deserve so much better than this, and it sounds like you are making excuses for him. He cheated on you for 3 and 1/2 years. I am also of the belief of "once a cheater, always a cheater" and have zero tolerance for cheating.

If you choose to stay, I hope counseling will help both of you. Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

You have his passwords - use them. Talking to him before the fact of using them truly defeats the purpose and gives him a heads up if things are occurring. I'm shocked your counselor said to warn him first and to talk about it first before using the passwords he willingly gave you.

You have every right to be leery of his activities online - after all - it's not like he hasn't betrayed you already in the recent and long term past you've been together.

Stop feeling guilty about not letting it go yet and just check his stuff whenever you feel like you need to - that is why you got the passwords.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

OK, I have to say that if a relationship has this much trust and insecurity issues....and you're not even married's not going to get better.

You don't trust him. And he's given you a reason not to.

He continued to have sex with an old girlfriend when you thought you were exclusive. And despite "doing everything right", you don't trust him.
I can understand putting this much effort into a relationship when there are kids involved, or you're married (and divorces are expensive). But when you're not even there, and there's this much drama. Go find someone else. That you trust. And makes you feel good.

If you choose to stay with him, and you genuinely expect to have a successful future with him, then you need to buck up and decide to trust him completely. Otherwise, your insecurity will blow up in your face eventually. He's done everything right. Now it's your turn.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Simple answer, LEAVE it sounds like in your gut you know this is what you should your self and move on.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

Not sure if this helps you at all, but:
My husband doesn't even HAVE a FB account. He doesn't want one and thinks they (for the most part) are terrific wastes of time and energy and full of people posting about themselves because they want to make themselves look interesting to other people. But, he acknowledges there IS upside to it-- seeing/communicating with faraway family when you wouldn't otherwise be calling them up on the phone or emailing pictures. I have a few teen nieces, so it is nice to click their page and see how their school teams (they play sports) have been doing and recent photos of their school dance or prom or Valentine's or whatever. To see how the freshman in college is doing, what her dorm room looks like. To chat sometimes with old high school friends that don't live around me.
So, while I am friends with all of his and my family, he has no account. So he uses mine. Freely. And I don't care. He might or might not go back through old messages I've exchanged with people, and I wouldn't know. But I don't care. I have nothing to hide and no reason for him not to trust me and go snooping. I can't imagine he would ever scroll through any messages from my friends..but maybe from his sister or something. ? Just wouldn't be anything that would interest him. lol

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Luis Obispo on

Wow this is a timely question. I am much older than the young mothers here and so we are talking a few decades ago... before all the technology like facebook. I have been married for 17 years, have grown children but never really got past my relationship with my first love. Not because I was still in love but because he was abusive and really hurt me. About a month ago he found me on facebook. I am not interested in him in anyway but friends or hurting my marriage but it has been extremely therapeutic being able to tell him that I forgive him. We both have similar beliefs now and recently took a class about grace and forgiveness so his e-mail came at a timely place in my journey.
BUT... I would totally RIP my husband a big one if I found him corresponding with an ex of his!!!!! I feel like such a hypocrite. Though my husband knows about it and trusts me to work though it. Yes! I have a keeper! (I guess I need to post my own post. lol!)
I also think if once a cheater, always a cheater except for the fact that he loved you enough to go to counseling and seems honest. You aren't married but exclusive so he may have thought he had a little out. I think technology is a great tool but sometimes I feel the good old fashioned ways kept us out of trouble and offered less temptations. A phone call with a cord attached seemed a lot more real. E-mails and facebook messages seem so harmless when they really aren't.
I understand your being insecure.
Are you still going to counseling? If you can't find a way to regain that trust through therapy... Sometimes the damage has been done. But whether you keep working on this one or another relationship... you now have trust issues so it's kind of your choice to work on this one or the next because after this one, unless you get help for the trust issues you will bring your insecurities to the next relationship. But you have every right to wonder. He caused your insecurities by his actions.


answers from Cleveland on

My hubby and I just talk about that kinda thing normally.
If he gets a new friend on FB, he tells me "hey remember that story I told you about blah blah blah? Well they found me on FB"
And its not because we feel like we HAVE to tell eachother that. Its just the way our relationship is.
He tells me when he gets friend request or txts or calls from people in his past that I don't like. Most of them, he doesn't like or want to talk to anyway.
He's had the same cell # for like 6years. So lots of people have it, even if we don't like them.
I don't always tell him about my FB requests. I've got a few in the last few years from guys from my past. Now I don't like these people, I don't say anything to him because he is a very jealous guy. And these men bring back bad, stressful memories for him. I figure, I just ignore them, so it's not worth mentioning.
When it comes to his actual page, He barely uses it lol
His friends make random comments, but most of the time they are lil inside jokes from HS or earlier in their lives.
There was actually a group that started on FB to find my hubby. Lol a bunch of old HS friends were looking for him and started it. He is a pretty popular fellow.

He's got txts and phone calls in the past from girls who used to chase after him and try to seduce him. I just laugh it off. Because I know I have him :)


answers from Los Angeles on

We don't hide anything. Half the time he texts me to check his messages on FB (can't do it at work or from his phone) to see if one of his friends sent him a message about something.
When we get in contact with someone from the past it just casually gets brought up. A lot of his friends are also on my page, and alot of my friends are on his as well. All the pics of our daughter are on my page so they will request me as a friend.
He had an ex request to be his friend. He told me about it. I told him it's up to him if he wants to add her, and that I could care less. He just felt weird about it and told me he wasn't going to. Then a few months later the same thing happened to me. I told him while we didn't break up on bad terms or anything, it wasn't that important to catch up with him.
The kinds and amounts of conversations he has with his friends, co-workers etc varies. Sometimes theres people on that he hasn't spoken to in years so they spend awhile catching up, sometimes it's just a quick message. Usually its about cars, work, our daughter (a lot of his friends had kids when he didn't so now his in the daddy club), our new house, etc. Just regular BS type stuff.
It's all about trust and communication in relationships.

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