Almost 16YO Disrespectful

I went through this with my daughter when she was 15. You play the parent. You back your husband up when your son is being a pain. It sounds like he has lost respect for both of you. I have raised 3 boys. they are 22, 21 and 15 now. The first step is to sit down with your son and say "these are the rules 1,2,3 etc...) these are the privileges you currently enjoy "1,2, 3... etc) if you break the rules (and pots a biggie) you will suffer these consequences. and then stick to it. pot is the jump off point for so much worse. and right now your son is playing you and your hubby against each other and probably his dad and step mom against each other as well. probably on a secondary level he is playing you against the ex and the papa is in the middle of it all. my mom used to tell my daughter "well if it gets really bad you can come here..." and then be totally confused when I would be mad. you just need to get him back in line. the real trick is to remember that your both parents and your job is not to be "friends" with your son. it will pass. just take a deep breath

It sounds to me like he's 16 and just starting to figure out who he is. Your continued guidance now, no matter how difficult he is, will pay off in spades. He's pushing you away, and if you let him, it create a more difficult and damaging situation.

I'm a big fan of tough love. If his father is on board, a solid grounding and removal of computer, iPod, etc....would be where I would start. However, since you're pretty frustrated, you might also engage a counselor from school.

Have you talked to to his teachers? How is he behaving there? You say he's failing. Is he not going to class? Not paying attention? No trying at all? You might find that he has a learning disability, and the acting out is a result of that. I would look into that, since he's fine as long as everything is going his way and he doesn't have to adapt at all. It's indicative of his comfort zone.

I would also have a heart to heart with Papa, to understand that relationship a little better.

Good luck!

Well, you should definitely get it across that while he's a minor and living with you, there are certain rules he must follow -like it or not (it's how everyone has to go through life) -and not smoking pot is one of them. He needs to also understand through your actions and counseling that he needs to do well in school or the repercussions will follow him after school -no decent job, no college, not a good future. Also -there is a certain amount or respect and decency he must show in order to be treated that way -you know -treat people the way you want to be treated!

However -he's 16! Teenagers are known for this type of behavior -it's their calling card! Do the things I said above, but don't be too incredibly heavy-handed. You say you're a conservative Christian family, and that's your choice, but many times adolescents really want to experience a freer and more liberal type of life. It doesn't mean they'll always feel that way, and I don't know what your household rules have always been, how conservative you really are, etc., but if you have a rule for every little thing and are constantly "down" on people with lifestyles that aren't just like yours -there's a chance that he's just wanting to spread his wings and find out how others live. Because he's 16, he doesn't really have great, adult ways to do that so it comes out as pot smoking and disrespect and bad schoolwork.

I know this is going to be rude and I apologize in advance, I just wish blended families worked 100% of the time, but they don't 100% of the time.

Look at it on his end - you remarried, having a new family, working long hours, not home when he is home, not spending quality time when he needs you... but you expect him to be open to all of this and unconditionally love you?? You expect him to have conservative Christian family values, yet you are working late, not staying home with your children, remarrying, etc. I know you are the adult in the relationship, but you also have to role model what you want out of your children.

My dad is a "conservative Christian" too, yet does not bother to call his grandkids, send them birthday cards, or be in their lives at all unless it suits him. I'm not saying that you are doing all of this on purpose, but if you expect standards you need to show him those standards. You are treating him like a roommate and not like a son (basing this all off of your post, I really do not know your real relationship with your son).

If I were you, I would sit down and think about the Christ-like things that you can do to move this family forward. I think that you should look at going to counseling with him. I know you are not expecting an overnight miracle, but you want to find some type of middle ground. Look at trying to set standards and rules - even if you have to write them out for the whole family to read. Post them in the house. Tell him the consequences of these rules. No warnings. Give a warning to a teenager is like giving a pass on the violation. These need to be clear cut and strict. Tell him that the family is moving forward and that you expect him to follow suit.

I think this will take time. You need to figure the reasoning of why he is acting out and not following family rules. You found all the problems with him and everyone else, don't forget to do some self-reflection. Please don't forget to use positive reinforcement - that will be very effective.

Good luck and God Bless :)

i agree 100S% with Sherry! Sit him down, law out the rules, and give the consequences! If your husband is right have his back. no ifs, ands, buts about it. and yes i believe in whoopings and feel as long as you are in my house,eating my food, using my electricity and gas and wearing clothes that i bought you will obey, plain and simple. You are his mother FIRST and maybe his friend second. and you may also have to talk your father(gently but getting your point across also) and tell him "hey this boy is clowningand this babying you are doing is not helping. and let him know EVERYTHING your son is doing, the weed also!Phones,tv,cable,allowances and spending money would be cut off before he could take a deep breath to complain about it.I quite sure you love him to death but use the same love to help him get his self together. don't back down or give in on the discipline! because once you do that it's a wrap and he will take advantage of it every chance he gets. and he needs a job! driver license? yeah right! I hope that the counseling helps you and that he will mature some and see that the road he is heading down is the wrong one. good luck and your family is in my prayers.

Okay...the only thing you "owe" this child is: your love, food in his belly, a safe place to sleep, and weather appropriate clothing. Those are the only non-negotiable things you HAVE to provide for him. Of course we want to give them more and much more...but until they appreciate the "more" they really don't need to be given it.

This situation is very hard because unless you and his bio-dad are on the same page, he will just go to dad's house or to see grandpa. But he needs to "earn his extras"...good grades, no drugs, being respectful to you and step-dad...allow him to have more things...such as cell phone or time spend on the phone, tv time, computer time, nice things for his room, clothes he picks out such as "designer" stuff or a certain style.

He does need a little "tough love"...in the fact that you love him too much to allow him to act this way, throw away his future (college/education), and ruin his life (drugs)...you will have to decided to put your foot down and get all the other adults on the same page and stick to your guns.

I know being pregnant is tough and having a toddler...but if you don't do it RIGHT NOW you are in for many many years of hell getting this kid out of scrapes and supporting him.

Big HUG to you!!

It sounds like you are a nice Christian family, but it seems to me your 16 yrold might be jealous. He has parents who are divorced and remarried (When did you get divorced and remarried?) and now you are about to have another child with your new husband. He feels that he is being replaced. I know this because I've been there. My parents divorced when I was younger then 1 and my mom remarried when I was 1 1/2. I acted out too but I never let my grades slip because school was my get away. I didn't smoke pot until I was 15 but it was a one time thing until I moved back home when I was 20. But I know now its not worth so I never touched it again. My advice would be try and work it out and talk to him about. Tell him it's ok to talk and that you are there to help, but also make him understand that the stress he's putting on you and that it's not fair to make you pick sides. You should side with who every you think is right or even side with yourself. But if the counciling doesn't work and he's still doing bad things I would threaten military school. It's safe and will teach him respect and responsibility. My husband's in the military and he's grown up so much and he's only 22. I am also 22 and we have a 2 month old baby boy. But sometimes kids act out because they are jealous and they want attention or he's acting under peer pressure or thinks "it's cool" to smoke pot. Also pull info on what pot does to the brain. Does he drink as well? if so pull those effects up and what it could do to you. Sometimes the scare technique works. It did for my sister. Good luck and Congrats on the new addition to your family.

You and your husband need to get together and decide on how you want to handle things. What rules will be enforced. Etc. You need to have a team effort to deal with your son. (IF your ex husband and his wife are on board, perhaps include them so ALL 4 of you are on the same page.)

Take away any and all privileges if he is not going to follow the rules. No phone, car, (even drivers license!), friends hang outs, etc. He can EARN those back. By doing chores, following rules, etc. I would even suggest that you tell him you will call the police if he continues to smoke pot. AND DO IT! Where is he getting it from anyway??? Whoever is supplying NEEDS to be turned in.

And you need to sit down with your dad and address what is going on there too. He is making it more difficult for you and your husband by stepping in and basically telling your son that he is right. IF he can't respect you as your child's parent, then he won't be able to spend time with him. (OR whatever you decide.)

To me this is NOT normal teenage behavior. You need to address these issues now before they escalate into even more serious offenses.

Ouch, you definitely have a situation here.

1) He's almost 16 so he's probably itching to be independent and just think adults don't know anything in general and he knows everything...you know, like most teens. :)

2) I wonder if it's because of the 2 year old and the baby to be. Maybe he is questioning where he "belongs"...something else I think teens need to have a clear sense of.

3) As for the schooling, I would remind him that if he dislikes school so much, he can keep failing because when his friends are moving on to the next grade next year and working their way towards getting OUT of school, he will still be there repeating Freshman year/Sophmore year/etc. until he passes what he needs to to move on. My 3rd grader began to dislike school a bit this year and thought we were just "picking on him" about his writing and various things. Once I told him if he doesn't score enough on his various classes he may have to repeat 3rd grade, he greatly changed his attitude because he did NOT like that thought.

4) Because of the grades and pot, he should definitely have his fun things restricted (computer, phone, friend time, etc.). He can earn them back as his behavior and grades improve.

Have you tried talking to him yourself. I understand you work a lot but is there anything that can be done with your schedule for a while until you help him get under control. If he dislikes his dad and step mom so much and only likes his stepdad when they are having fun, it sounds like he could really use some serious one on one time with you and a heart to heart. Remind him constantly of how much you love him, tell him every time he does something right - helps his 2 year old sibling, helps clean up after dinner, does something without mouthing off...no matter what it is, try to find things to praise him for. Studies have shown that praising children tends to make them make better choices more often because they want to keep getting that praise. Also, ask him what he wants for his life. If he wants to be a doctor, he can't have failing grades and colleges look at high school transcripts. Does he want to be "one of the stoner kids" who ends up not doing anything with their lives or does he want the world to be open to him in any way he wants?

The hard part is you staying calm to talk to him. Trust me, after the morning I just had with my one son, I am reminded how hard that can be. When he makes the wrong choice we try to use the "what kind of boy do you want to be" and usually it helps but this morning he was seriously testing me and I couldn't hold it together. I got very upset with him. So try to talk to him and it may be like a block of ice. If you feel like you aren't getting through and/or you find yourself getting worked up, walk away. Just chip away at his attitude a little at a time if that's all you can do.

I wish you the best. You know, I was so upset that my son and I had the tiff we did this morning and at one point he said I didn't care about him because I got tired of asking him to do things to get the day going. So because I stopped asking him to do anything and began to walk away from him, I suddenly didn't care. While they waited for the bus though, I pulled him aside and I told him, if I didn't love him I wouldn't get upset. I wouldn't be hurt when he makes the wrong choices. The day I stop caring about his choices, that's when he needs to question my love. I then reminded him that I love him so much that I would lay my life down to protect him. I honestly think that helped him a bit because you don't make that type of claim to just anybody and he knows that.

Again, I wish you the best. I am expecting my 4th boy and we aren't that far from the teen years with our oldest so I definitely feel for you.

I almost forgot!!! Has he been tested by a doctor for being bipolar or anything like that? The reason I ask is, a friend has three children and the oldest has been a genious since he was born. I'm not kidding you. He was a well behaved, brilliant boy for as long as I can remember. We moved 6 years ago so I haven't seen him in a while but we still talk to the parents. Once this boy went to college, everything changed. He began using drugs, questioning authority, failing school (really???)...come to find out he is bipolar or schitzophrenic they believe. The one therapist told them that with people as brilliant as their son, that can happen because they can't related to society. He thinks rules are stupid, society ideals are stupid, etc. I'm not trying to scare you but it's one more thing to consider looking into.

Please go out and get the Love and Logic book that is the teenager version...it has helped a lot with our oldest ( 14) and it was reccomended by my son's therapist, it is great. I do think there may be some jealousy issues there. YOu probably need to spend some more one on one time with your son, he may "ACT" like he doesn't want it, but my son is 14 and I STILL make specail time for just him...we cook together, we will run and errand together, heck I will sit and watch him play a video game just so we can chat...you are the parent, its your job to make sure he feels connected and part of the family.

This is a tough one. His attitude didn't develop over night. How was he before your 2 yr old came along? And now there's another baby on the way, and a teenager wants and craves attention, and his bad behavior is getting him some. He gets the unconditional love from PaPa, and he has a good connection at least some of the time with his step dad. These are good signs. "I always love you. I don't always love some of your choices" are words I use a lot with my son. Try for some regular one on one time with him as much as you can. Listen to him. When he says something you disagree with, don't come out against it immediately. All that does is throw you both into a "does not" "does too" argument and the communication comes to a screeching halt. Ask him why he thinks (whatever) is a good idea. Getting him to think and talk is much more productive. The counseling is a good start. Give it some time to work. Does he go by himself or does any other family member go with him? It's hard when you've got another baby on the way, but your first baby still needs you.

You got some good advice already.

First, I think it's great that at least some of the time, your son pals around with your husband. That is really healthy and a very good sign.

I would like you to consider that the person he is nicest around is the one who "babies" him -- so if babying him makes him nice, then maybe babying your son is the way to go.

I really have to disagree with the posts that suggest you take the hard line approach -- I think you are seeing that does not work.

And I don't think I'm going to change your opinion on this, but I want to offer a different perspective: I have always believed that it's not good to make something a "forbidden fruit." Using that philosophy, I have raised 3 children, 21, 17 and 16, none of whom drink or do drugs. And I know that for a fact, and I could explain how but it's too long for this post. The reason my kids don't do it is that they basically know that I don't care if they drink a little or experiment a little with pot, as long as they do it responsibly, i.e. in moderation and never getting behind the wheel of a car. Well it turns out that when mom doesn't really care if you smoke a little pot, you're not very motivated to do it. So they don't.

Smoking a little pot here and there doesn't make a kid a "stoner." A "stoner" is someone who does it daily, or regularly, and is also high at school. And there are a lot of those.

So how much pot is your kid smoking? Is he a stoner, or has he experimented a few times? I don't expect to change your opinion on this but you could find that the more mellow approach works better.

Now failing all his classes, on the other hand, is not good. You should try to find a way for him to get all C's. I've found bribery, often in the form of money, works great.

That's my perspective: mother of 1 future Navy Seal, 1 with 4.5 GPA and 1 with 4.0 GPA.