I am so sad. My husband saw our 19 year old son smoking in the backyard today. I know he is over 18 and I can't really stop him but any advice would be appreciated.
To understand the situation more, my son lives with us and works part-time at a grocery store. At one point he was diagnosed at highly functional autistic and he is XYY. His social skills aren't the best and he can't always read people. He doesn't have any friends to hang out with so he is somewhat lonely. He has online friends and met someone at an anime convention recently that he has been talking to on the phone. He likes some of the guys at the grocery story, so my guess is he wants to fit in with them and they probably smoke and drink.
He recently bought a car with the money he saved up from working so he has a little more freedom now.
When he was younger he always declared that he would never smoke. My dad died at 59 and smoked for many, many years.
Do I just tell him why it makes me sad and remind him about my dad and then say that he can never smoke inside the house? He has an older cousin he adores that I was thinking about calling and asking him to talk to him, but he would probably be angry if I did that.
Thank you. Some of the advice was very helpful. I didn't tell him I was sad, because I didn't want to guilt him. I mentioned my dad. I asked him why he was smoking. I enforced the 'no smoking in the house' rule. I told him I support him no matter what and suggested he keep it down to 1 to 2 cigarettes a day if he didn't want to get a lot of health problems or cost too much. Turns out we caught him when he smoked his first cigarette. lol He started because a friend told him it helped with anxiety and stress.
Instead of talking at him about what YOU think..... why don't you talk TO him about what HE thinks..... Ask him why he is smoking. Ask him if he understands the risks. Ask him if he understands nicotine is a DRUG and he can become addicted. Ask him if he's added up how much it will cost. Ask what are the benefits of smoking... what does he get out of it.
Sounds like your plan is viable. I understand that you are sad about this...I definitely would be too. As you said, you cannot make him quit...you just have to reiterate that he cannot do it in your house.
K., I know it must be very hard to see this. But truthfully, I'd call the cousin and accept that your son will be mad.
And yes, talk about your dad. Pull out pictures of him and show him. Tell him about your wonderful times and how sad you were when he died. And how much pain he went through when he got the cancer.
Maybe it will help. I hope his cousin can spend some time with him.
Dawn
This is the hardest addiction to break! I am currently trying to quit for the gazillonth time. I think a talk from an older cousin he looks up to would be a good start to see what is going on and why he has started smoking in the first place. I wouldn't tell him it makes you sad though because it may make him feel like you are trying to guilt him into quitting. Good luck! This is a tough one.
Stick to your no smoking in the house. I wouldn't harp on it too much. It usually doesn't do anything but cause stress between you and that accomplishes nothing. Prayerfully at some point in his life he'll see the need to quit and do so.
My son is 24 and has smoked since he was 18. My husband I neither one smoke and my son swore he'd never do it. But he says it helps relieve stress and that he actually likes it which makes it harder to quit. In his head he knows he should but lacks the motivation to do so. He knows when he comes to visit not to smoke in the house and he knows how I feel about it and so it doesn't need to be said every time we see one another.
Your son sounds like, despite his disability, he's doing well for himself. I have a 13 yo son with Aspergers and I keep praying he'll be able to hold down a job when the time comes. As of this day, I don't see it happening, or driving a car. So you can set him down, let him know that you worry about his health and want him around as long as possible, no smoking in your cars or house but that you wont harp either.
I used to BEG my mother to quit smoking... and now I'm a smoker (trying to quit! Doing really good!)
They say that MOST people start smoking if their parents were smokers (even if they quit, like in my case), or their best friends, boss, spouse, or other close family members smoke. OR they start smoking due to peer pressure (which would have been over by 19, you'd think) or when they're under extreme stress.
Seems like he's basically a pretty responsible kid, works, bought his own car, not too many people have 19 year old's who can say that! So admire the positives; there are obviously many.
Don't think of this as you or your husband somehow failing as parents... my parents STILL preach the evils of smoking to me, and I've been smoking for over a decade (ouch, never thought of that before)... and remember, it's every cigarette he DOESN'T smoke that counts. NOT trying to justify it by any means, but being a social smoker is better than being a 2 pack a day smoker... not by much, but there's still hope, that's all. He's not addicted to the additives if he's only smoking 1 cigarette here and there.
I'd guess there's something psychological going on here, so maybe instead of addressing the smoking, see what else has been going on and ask him if he needs help with it.
Sorry to hear this though, I know it's got to be a bummer for you and your husband. Feel free to nag him about it too, it WILL stick in his head! Good luck!
Tell him...not that it will work...that 15 years from now, he'll be so sad that he started, wishing he could quit, and won't be able to because it's THAT HARD. I really, really wish I had never started smoking...but I can't change the past.
Nothing you say will change his mind, though. I'm sorry...hopefully he'll figure out it sucks before it becomes a habit.
I smoked as a teen and my mom never said anything about it. Of course, I would not let him smoke in the house, but other than that I would stay out of it. I guess bc that is what my mom did. She just always worked at keeping the communication lines open with me so I would know I could feel comfortable coming to talk to her and she did have rules that I was aware of, but other than that, she let me find my way. She prayed a lot!!!! :D I think if he just knows you love him, support him and that no matter what he is doing he can come to you, that is the best at the moment. I think as you said smoking is a symptom of wanting to fit in etc, the best thing is for him to have confidence that no matter what he is still perfectly acceptable in your eyes. That being said, I sure hope he quits! It is such a dangerous habit to start! Wish you all the best!
Best just to say he can't smoke in the house. If he is doing it to just fit in he should get bored soon. Myself its not really a big thing in my mind though then again I was never a big smoker. have you checked to see if he is smoking for those reasons?
