School Attacking Granddaughter?

Updated on February 03, 2011
A.R. asks from Charlotte, NC
26 answers

I asked a question yesterday about my granddaughters hemp necklace. I went to the school, and it has only gotten worse. I was able to get the necklace back but now the school is accusing my granddaughter of smoking pot. I honestly do know she has a couple times in her life, but it was because her mother and stepdad did it and it was only when her back was extremly bad (Her spine has multiple problems, it was for pain I know) I do not condone this, and she has not done it since she has entered being in my custody. It has beeen atleast 2-3 years since she's smoked.
but anyways, they are accusing her of smoking and distributing. I have no idea where they could find grounds to do so! She has a very laid back attitude, and often dresses pretty "stoner" as her friends say and apparently her friends call her "forever stoned" because she does have a very very laid back appearance and whatnot.
I do not see this as grounds for them to try to drug test her! I did not let them, and my boyfriend said I could take them to court over this. I am not going to allow them to do anything with her untill They or myself finds some reason (drugs on her, a picture of her doing something) to think shes done something illegal. They have no way of knowing she did smoke a few years ago, and she hasnt recently.
Also with my question yesterday, with hemp it says nothing specific, only that there is no drug paraphenalia, which she has none of.
What would ya'll do in this situation?
**She does not smoke anymore, at all. I know this because she is either with me, or with her best friends whose parent(s) are always home becasue the father is a SAHD**
I am mad for them accusing her of smoking, when i know she isnt.

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So What Happened?

So apparently my granddaughter is not a laid back "stoner" at all if you make her mad. I just got back to work and while we (The teacher who accused her, the principal, her, and myself) my granddaughter got mad and stood up and said 'If you want to test me F*cking do it! I have science right now and its pissing me off that your holding me for this bullsh*t!" I am surprised by her mouth but that is all. The test came clean, and I warned the school that if they try anything else I will be taking legal actions.
I went to her lunch to talk to her friends about the forever stoned thing, and her best friend said they nick named her that because in pictures they take she looks stoned when shes not wearing makeup (She admitidly does)
as for the hemp, I told her to continue wearing it.
I am glad slightly that this all happened, and I used to be extremly critical of her boyfriend (I have previous posts) and this kinda brought to light that I did the same thing to him.
Thank you all for your responses, Even though I read none of them untill I got home.
Also, her test came back negative.

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answers from Washington DC on

I may be crucified for this but I would use this as a lesson.

Dress like a slut get treated like a slut.
Dress like a stoner get treated like a stoner.
Dress like a lady get treated like a lady.

And I would absolutely take her in for a drug test. Proves her guilt or innocence right there.

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answers from Washington DC on

I agree that if they don't have any evidence they shouldn't be labelling her, but truely the only way you may get past this is to let them test her and let the test prove they are wrong.


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answers from Washington DC on

sorry, but i'm with you. a hemp necklace does not mean 'pot smoker', nor does a laid-back personality indicate a stoner. unless they have much better reason than this to believe she is using drugs on school property, they have no basis for this. i do NOT condone the attitude that 'if she has nothing to hide she should be drug-tested.' in this country innocence is presumed, and in the absence of evidence (which would involve more than a necklace or an attitude) guilt should not be inferred.
kids who march to the beat of a different drum are always marginalized and expected to conform. don't let them target her because of her clothes or jewelry.
i would fight this.

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answers from Chattanooga on

"apparently her friends call her "forever stoned" because she does have a very very laid back appearance and whatnot. "

Grandma, I hate to say it, but you are burying your head in the sand. I know you want to believe your grand daughter is not smoking pot, but I would bet the bank she is. I've been through this before. If her *friends* are saying this about her, it isn't because of how she dresses. You can buy a drug testing kit at the pharmacy. If you are sure she isn't smoking pot, buy one and surprise her with it. She should be anxious to prove her innocence to you. Kids can be VERY creative with doing things even right under our noses. I am sure she isn't "with you" 24/7. If she's like most teenagers, she's in her room with the door closed or going for a walk around the block.
Has she ever had incense in her room? Not trying to attack you, but you should go into this with your eyes wide open. Best wishes...

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Modesto on

Sorry but it sounds to me like your granddaughter has a pot problem. I'd take her to the doc and get her a legitimate license for it as a pain killer OR pay attention to what the school is saying.
Schools dont pick on kids unless they have a pretty good suspicion they are correct. If they think someone might have a gun in their backpack do you think it's okay to check for it? I do. If your granddaughter is NOT a dealer or a habitual smoker why would you be afraid to have her tested? If she is a habitual smoker and you love her, you would get her some help. It's not good for her developing brain cells to do this.

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answers from Dallas on

I'm sorry, but I agree that I think you're wearing blinders when it comes to your granddaughter. Don't you think a school has better things to do than harass a student about being involved with drugs? I know you love and trust your granddaughter, as you should, but be cautious. She is, I'm guessing, a teenager and is very good at hiding things and only letting you see what she wants you to see. She smoked pot because her back hurt? Please. I'm sorry, but that sounds like a lame excuse to me. If I'm being overly judgemental about your granddaughter, forgive me, but I can only go on what you wrote and from that I stand behind what I've said. Just my opinion. Good luck with everything and good for you for providing your granddaughter with such a caring and loving home.

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answers from Dallas on


I did not see your previous post, but you ask what other Mom's would do in this situation... I would not assume my grandaughter is guilty, but I would not assume her innocent either........ and I would say this if she was my own daughter. If she were my daughter I would have her tested for drugs myself.......and without warning. You think she is innocent, and she absolutely may be, but a teen is a teen... sometimes they lie to protect themselves. Even if they are good kids. Best to be safe so that you can address any issues now. There are in home drug test kits. If it were me, I'd buy one, and not warn my child I would be doing so. There are kits where you cut some hair and send it in for analysis.

One more thing. Using and "distributing" are two separate problems. Distributing could really get your girl in big trouble. Be sure before you get too defensive with the school.

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answers from New York on

I think someone is pulling the hemp over your eyes... you aren't with her 24/7 and she's probably smoking pot. Her "friends" refer to her as "forever stoned", she has smoked pot (with her parents??) in the past and she dresses like a stoner... as a school administrator, I would not give her the benefit of the doubt. In fact, I would assume that she was smoking pot until provided with evidence to the contrary.

She's either with you or with a SAHD, except for when she's in school which is for the bulk of her day.

If you are certain that she has not smoked pot, allow the drug test and prove them wrong. This is not a "fun process" for school administrators and we don't look for kids to nail, but if there is a reason to suspect your granddaughter, then they will pursue it. It's illegal and they won't take your word for it b/c they simply don't have to . You can fight it, but if you're certain then prove it.

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answers from Las Vegas on

I don't think the school is accusing your granddaughter of being a stoner because of some experimentation she had done a couple of years ago. I think they woud be more concerned about current behavior.

The hemp necklace alone does not make your daughter a stoner. But her friends calling "forever stoned" would be a big read flag for me. What I remember from high school is that my stoner friends were still able to get a high even though adults were around -- they would just smoke up in the garage or back alley or some place else where they wouldn't be found for a couple of minutes. And let's face it, even though an adult may be present in the house when teens are around, that doesn't mean that they are actually supervising the teenagers. What it usually means is that the parent is home doing his or her thing and the teen is home as well, doing his or her thing also.

I know that you love your granddaughter and want to protect her but perhaps there is something here that you need to pay attention to. She's still very young and has her future ahead of her. If she is heading down a bad path, you want to catch it now and help her so that she can hopefully have a full and productive life that is free from addictions.

I know this is not the answer you want to hear but I think it's the answer that you need to hear.

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answers from Chicago on

She does go to school right? So during that time she's not in your care or the care of those other parents right? And are you there to see that the other parents are always there or that the kids NEVER leave the house or have friends over? Kids are sneaky. Especially kids who have used before. They can do things right under your nose and you don't know it! Trust me I've been there!!

I think if she's not using she should submit to a drug test. That will easily prove she's innocent. I would say if you throw a fit and don't submit to the drug test, then there probably is something going on. If you won't let the school drug test her, then you do it. It's pretty simple to do and that will end the accusations.

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answers from Norfolk on

Well, having her do a drug test (a hair test can check for use in the last 90 or so days) will be proof one way or the other.
A test, if negative, will prove to the school she is not using, although it won't prove anything about whether she's dealing.
If the test is positive, she needs help.

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answers from Austin on

Awesome update. It proved she was clean and I think it showed that you trusted your granddaughter. Be sure to praise her and let her know, you are really proud of her.
Good for her, being willing to take the test to shut them all up..

I answered yesterday that Hemp is sold at Michaels.

Now that you say she does not smoke pot and you are positive, then let them test her for drugs! You have nothing to worry about if she really doesn't do any illegal drugs. I think instead it will be a good way to show the school she is clean..

IF you allow it and she does test positive, I think that could also be good, because at least you will know what is going on and then you will be able to deal with it.

There are always parents that swear their children do not drink or do drugs, until they find out the hard way. When the child is caught. .

I once asked my daughter if the "school asked her to take a random drug test would she do it?" She answered "sure, but they would be wasting their money because it would come up negative.". I asked because the district was considering random drug testing of the kids that participate in school sports. I wondered how she would feel about it..

Do not be afraid to find and prove the truth. Then they will know to leave her alone..

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answers from New York on

Fellow grandma here and I'd have to say that if her friends call her forever stoned it's because she's doing drugs and is stoned a lot. Do you honestly think that her friends who are doing drugs are going to be honest to you about your granddaughter's nickname?

I can tell you from experience that children seem to find time to sneak around and do a lot of things without our knowledge and while we try to set a good example for them some feel the need to experiment with things we wish they didn't. Your granddaughter saw this behavior being done by the adults in her life and she sees nothing wrong with it.

I'd suggest that you deal with the problem head on instead of believing nothing is wrong. A friend's son was in serious trouble with drugs but his parents kept thinking it was nothing or he'd outgrow it. Instead he died of a herion overdose at the age of 22. It was the worst thing imaginable and his parents live everyday wondering how they could have changed things. Step in and see what you can do now before it goes too far.

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answers from Stockton on

I am glad that you went down to the school to help your granddaughter. They have no right to accuse her of anything without proof! That is just ridiculous! I would be flaming mad. I think that you need to do whatever you have to do to protect her.

I am glad that you learned your lesson about judging her boyfriend. I remember that post.....then you didn't like our answers, so you posted again....LOL ~ He sounds like a good kid to me......

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answers from San Francisco on

Hi A.,

It's nice to see that you trusted your granddaughter. Often parents put too much faith in the school. It's nice to see that you took her side and I'm sure she will remember it. Good job!

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answers from Albany on

What do you mean exactly, they're 'accusing' her?
Who did you speak with when you got the necklace back?
Was it that person who said 'we think your granddaughter is using and dealing pot'?

I would think she would be officially suspended or some other standardized punishment for such a thing.

Is that what happened?
Is she at home with you now or at school?

There would be an official letter home about this.

Until you get an official letter/phone call/ email, what IS there to do?

Sorry so many question....

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answers from Washington DC on

Finding "drugs on her, a picture of her doing something" is highly unlikely. Sadly, you may need to search her room, her school bag, other bags, closet -- all of it. I don't know how to suggest doing it without bruising her trust in you, though. That may have to be a hit you take for now.

And just because her best pal's got a parent at home does not mean that the parent is overseeing them every minute the kids are together; you can't know what the other kid hides in her room either. Just as you can't know what goes on in the school bathroom, or behind the bleachers. It would be easier to trust in her not using if she didn't have the "forever stoned" tag, but that is worrying.

You never mentioned whether you had sat down with her and asked her point-blank if she is or has been smoking pot. Wouldn't that be the place to start? What is your face-to-face communication like? Is she aware that you know she's "forever stoned" to her friends? Or is she just protesting that the school's after her?

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answers from Pittsburgh on

So, even if she smokes, unless she does it at school how is it any of the school's business?

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answers from Chicago on

Lots of kids wear things like hemp necklaces and don't smoke pot. But- the school must feel fairly certain that your granddaughter is smoking or they would not accuse her. I understand you are upset with the school- and they should have more to go on than a necklace and a 'laid-back' attitude, but you need to ask yourself why ELSE they might suspect her?

If her friends gave her a 'stoner' nickname, that would be a warning sign to me. I know she is probably a good girl and trying not to disappoint you, but it is hard for kids not to slip up sometimes. I am sure if she was smoking again, she would go to any lengths to hide it from you because she doesn't want to disappoint you.

I think you need to take a step back from this emotionally and talk with the school again. find out if another student said your g-daughter was a stoner, or what other reasons they might have for suspecting her. Then- what I would do- take her to your family doctor and ask her to take a drug test PRIVATELY. Keep the school out of it for now.

If she has not been smoking, she has nothing to fear or hide. If she refuses to take the test, remind her that she may have to take one in the future to get a job, etc. and that you want to be able to clear her name at school. If she still refuses, get her some counseling, because that is a big red flag that she is hiding something from you.

Good luck- I know you are a loving and concerned grandma trying to defend her and do what's best.

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answers from Houston on

Is the hemp necklace merely the fibers of hemp? Because there are hemp clothing, hemp milk, hemp protein bars, ect. I mean, to ban the fiber would be silly. I'm sure there are lots of people who don't even know what their jewelry is made of or buy hemp food products without equating it to MJ. However, if the necklace has the hemp leaf symbol, I can understand their concern and would agree with it not being appropriate.

While I am opposed to the freedoms being taken away like they have been, I'm interested to know why you are so upset about having drug testing done if you don't believe she's used anything.

Anyway, I think MJ should be more easily available, particularly for medical reasons, but understand when it comes to a minor and's just a real sensitive situation.

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answers from Charlotte on

A., I was glad to read your what happened, and very glad that she let the adults have it. The reason I'm glad she let the adults have it is because she knew she was clean and and offered the drug test to show them they were wrong. And now they know.

You actually need to go ahead and get a lawyer involved. This "distributing" thing is serious, and any kid that they "suggest" to accuse her could cause her to be suspended or expelled while they "investigate". If you get the big guns out proactively, perhaps they'll drop their witch hunt before it gets to that point. Once the rumors start flying around the school, you never know what kids might start saying. (Kids who aren't her friends.)

You should have an honest and frank discussion with your granddaughter about what all is going down here. Tell her you are proud of her being clean, caring about getting to science class, etc. But tell her that she must be absolutely as careful as she can be to not get herself in even questionable circumstances. Tell her to watch the movie "Footloose". There is a scene in the boys bathroom with Kevin Bacon where they are trying to get him thrown out of school. I could almost see something like that happening to your granddaughter.

Go get that lawyer!


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answers from Minneapolis on

I'd test her myself. I'd also search her room, because if she's selling, you may have problems with more than just the school. You could wind up with a visit from the police if the school's accusations are true.

Afterall, why would the school expend the hours and trouble with your daughter if they don't have cause to do so? You might be surprised. Kids are very sophistocated these days and it is possible that she is hiding a drug habit, even from you. If she's away from home at any point during the day (for school or whatever), she could be doing drugs, and selling them, without your knowledge.

Buy a home kit and test her, even consider hiring a drug dog to check your house. Some cities do have them for hire.

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answers from San Francisco on

Are you saying that they took her necklace away because it was hemp and they assumed she smoked weed because of it???/ That is crazy! Wearing a hemp necklace doesn't mean you smoke weed, I have a pretty hemp necklace and I DON'T smoke weed. I would keep on the school to see what they are acusing her of-----they should have proof before drug testing! Best wishes.


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answers from Saginaw on

Accusing her of smoking pot is one thing, but they are also accusing her of distributing it. I don't understand how those accusations are being spewed out if they had no reason at all to spew them. (Although I admit I didn't read your other post, so maybe that gives more detail)

I think you should be the adult and get the proper testing done, if anything outside of the school testing to prove yourself right. Listen kids are sneaky and not all that good at controlling what they should and shouldn't be doing.

Well, hopefully the school will let it rest.....Good luck!


answers from St. Louis on

Seek illegal help. It sounds like they are harassing your granddaughter and it needs to stop. Maybe you should drug test your granddaughter first and if it comes back clean allow the school to do it just to prove them wrong. I am HAPPY to hear that she has such an awesome grandmother who stands beside her and belives in her. Are you still letting her wear the necklace? I would. I wish you the best of luck with this because I know that it hard to fight with a school. Our battle was over our daughter having asthma and them not allowing her to carry her inhaler.



answers from Oklahoma City on

I would be on the phone to the Admin office and filing as complaint against this teacher and Principle. They need to have specific things listed t be able to confiscate something. With something so vague as "Drug Paraphernalia" they could basically take anything they wanted and make up some excuse or another.

IF this is a heirloom from her mother and she wears it because of that then they are just rude to make an issue of this. My goodness, her mother died and they want to take something that was hers. How rude.

I would also print out some web sites and give it to the teacher about Hemp Crafts. Your grand daughter might be a well known artist someday and make all kinds of jewelry or attire from this craft she is doing.

I hope you are going to a Grandparents Raising Grandchildren group in your area, we have one here in my town and it is wonderful! We have wonderful speakers on every topic from the school counselor coming and talking about how to talk to teachers about homework to an attorney from OKC who is on the Legislative committee that works for Grandparents Rights and helps get laws passed to protect us.

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