5 Year Old Behavior - Thornton,IL

Hello M.,

As with all the other moms I felt like you were describing my life. My five year old daughter is the same way and I also have a 2 1/2 year old daughter, and I am a school social worker. I read the other responses with interest but don't have any additional advice I'm afraid. Do you live anywhere near Orland Park? Maybe we could lend eachother some moral support!

M.,
I have a 4 1/2 year old that is sometimes the same way. We only use time outs for her when she actually breaks a rule (for example, if she would hit her brother). THe other times when she has temper tantrums we ask her to "go relax" in her room or somehwere away from the rest of us. The point is, we are not punishing her for having feelings (even if they are over dramatic and even like a temper tantrum). Instead, we are asking that she take some time to cool off. We usually ask her if she would like to talk about it before we ask her to go relax- but she usually doesn't since she is so worked up. So, then we ask if she would like to go relax for a little while to calm down. We have made it clear to her over time that she is not in a time out- just that she is giving herself time to relax. Often she will go in her room for a few minutes and come down fairly relaxed- at least enough to stop having a fit so we can talk about what was bothering her. Sometimes she comes down perfectly fine. If after about 5 minutes she hasn't come down we usually go up to talk to her. This really works for her. I would highly recommend to any parent to use time outs sparingly and use "relax or calm down time" for emotional outburts. I think it really allows kids to feel secure in expressing their emotions and learning to deal with them rather than just surpressing them. Good luck!!

K.

I went through this all the time with my three boys now they are 13,6 and 5. When this issue comes up with household items that they want....we tell them that this is their house too and they need to get it themselves because they are big boys. If it is something from the store, we tell them that they can either put it on their list for Santa or their bday list or get a job and buy it themselves. It is at that point that they usually stop. My 5 year old still goes through that from time to time...and when he does, we just let him go through it. I console for a bit but then if that doesn't stop him, he cries it out himself. We really haven't had a problem with it for a while now.

My daughter is 4 and 1/2. We have had bouts of the same. When she is so worked up that a time out is not working, I send her to her room and tell her to come out when she has calmed down. She usually has continued to have a fit and I have stood at her door continually telling her to go back in. I have even ended up holding her door shut, briefly, so she can't keep coming out. Unfortunately, those fits where she seems unable to calm herself down only end with her ending up crying and I feel terrible but it's almost as if this is the only way for her to calm herself. Fortunately, these "battle of the wills" I suppose seem to be in spurts and more fortunately, there have not been any of these recently. It's basically the same idea as Katie P. Time outs are for bad behavior not feelings, even if they are seemingly "out of control". Best of luck!

Wow M.,
If I didn't know better I would seriously think you were just describing my daughter. My daughter turned 5 just over a month ago, and we are facing the same issues. It's as if she's having a hard time understanding and dealing with her emotions. And as you have described your daughter, she is relentless in displaying her distress to me. I look forward to the responses you recieve. In the meantime, know that I completely understand what you are feeling. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

J.

Hi M.. You are not alone. I think almost all children hit a rough spot around 3 1/2 and it keeps going. My doughter, now 6 does the same thing. She gets a nasty attitiude for everything and has a thing with nasty looks and getting the last word in. I began sending her to her room every single time she did this for 6 minutes. I have not ever spanked her (although the thought has crossed my mind). I literally put her in her room for everything that she did that was mean or unappropriate. There have been times that she's in there every hour. Try closing her door, she may throw stuff, my child does, but I ignore it and in 6 minutes she comes out and tells me why she was in her room and I remind her that if she does this again, she will again be put in her room. I'm done yelling, fighting, and trying to reason, and this has seemed to help. You can also try telling her that everytime something you don't like happens and she doesn't change it, she goes to bed 5 min. early. I did this too and my daughter would sometimes have to go to bed before my 20 month old. She is getting better and I let her know everynight what kind of day she had, (good, o.k., bad). She also made herself a "good day" chart. She colors in the day if she has been good and at the end of the month if she has 20 good days, we go to the dollar store and she picks out a few things or she gets to pick some place special to go. Good luck with your battles, most of us are in the same boat.

R.

Hi M.-

I know exactly what you are talking about. My daughter turned 4 in March and I swear she is back in the terrible two's. Like you, timeouts don't work. Spankings don't work-it just fuels the fire. We have just been letting her ride the behavior out and not give her the attention. When she settles down she apologizes-it's like she knows what she is doing is wrong but she can't settle herself down.

My daughter turned 5 on May 29th and I feel your pain! I have been saying the last bit, "there's a reason they go to kindergarten at 5!" I think their little minds are just growing and they are so bored. It is so hard to keep them occupied. The tantrums have been an issue for me too...I just try my best to ignore them and calmly tell her that she is NEVER going to get her way if she throws a tantrum. Screaming about wanting a cookie at bedtime? Too bad, cry it's not going to get you a cookie! GOOD LUCK. It is not so fun!

My 7 yr old has gone through this for about 2 years. We have realized its anxiety in her case. I have started "surprising" her more now that I realize it instead of allowing the excitement/anticipation of an event. It is working fairly well for us. She had gotten at the point where the tantrums were lasting over an hour and she was almost sick from crying. She would throw things and follow me yelling. She is a smart girl and I too expected more from her. She always apologizes or needs to cuddle up after this out of remorse. We also found she does better when she is in school for a full day because of the structure and lack of surprise on a daily basis. At one point, my pediatrician gave me a referral for a med eval but I just started changing the way we presented information to her...

M.- I am a daycare provider- I just read all the responses to your request. I have to agree with the woman who said that she ignores the bad behavior and simply puts her child in her room so that she can settle herself down. This bad behavior is sometimes called seeking "negative attention". You fuel the bad behavior by paying attention to it (getting upset, yelling, arguing with your child, etc). Obviously, if she gets terribly out of hand, then a time out is the best option or taking something away from her that she loves.

Be strong! Good Luck!

HI M.,

I had similiar issues with my daughters when they were 3 1/2 to 4 1/2, we never had the terrible 2's. And now my son is 1 month shy of 4 & is in the same situation. It seems like overnight he turned into a nasty boy, the I wants are killing me and it isn't about toys only, it is everything. Toys are easy because I tell him we will put them on his bday list, that has always worked. It is the constant I want ice cream, I want to look in the story 2 times, I want to go to a friends house and he just won't give up when I say no. I don't have any advice b/c I am having the same difficulties as you being at my wits end. I hope someone else has a strategy that may work for us both!

Good luck
C.