4 Yr Old with Horrible Attitude

You need to nail his rear to the time out chair each and every time he acts out. You need to be consistent and firm - all the time! If you are somewhere fun and he does it, you need to leave immediately regardless of how much you paid to get in the door.
You need to NEVER give in to his demands... ever.
YMMV
LBC

Does he get rewarded for his good days? Not any huge reward, but a sweet snack, and verbal praise for being such a good boy? Possitive reinforcement is an excellent teacher, along with consistantcy. I have always been a fan of Time-Out. One minute for every year of life. After those (four minutes for you), having the child explain why they were in time-out by getting down to their level (eye to eye). If they say, "I don't know" or an unacceptable answer...then calmly explaining what was wrong with that behavior. Not saying, "you were bad" but what exactly was bad with that behavior. I'm not saying this is easy, and somedays it might take all day. If you keep changing punishments out, he's just going to hope that someday there will be a punishment he can live with. Every child has a form of currency, and you should use it.

Good luck

My son just turned 5 and time out works with him. He will scream in time out but I make him stay there for the full 5 minutes. I give him 1 warning and then time out. Maybe if you consistently do that he will get tired of being in time out. I know this age is hard! Good luck!

I have dealt with this same problem. What worked for me was a good firm spanking, then got on his level and looked him in the eye and told him I love him and will not accept this behavior and proceeded to take away his most prized possession for an entire week. He had to earn this possession back. If he retreated back to the same behavior in that weeks time I again spanked looked him in the eyes on his level and explained that now he's lost it for 2 weeks and took another prized possession. There was no time off for good behavior as that was a manupilation on his part. It only took me 2 times of doing this for him to get it. Now I just have to gently reminde him of the consequences of his actions and he straightens up real quick because he doesn't want to lose his priveledges.

People always talk about the terrible two's. That age was nothing in my house. It's the horrible four's that we had to deal with. It's like they transform into these little monsters. They live in their own little bubble and you can't tell them a darn thing. They are getting older and want to test the waters. Stand your ground on things. Keep taking things away. Strip his room of every single toy except books (heard that on Dr. Phil : ) Let him earn his things back.

They aren't mature enough to handle their emotions at this age so when they get mad they just go with it. I mean they really go with it. Extra attitude - the works. My daughter turned 5 and it's simmered down a little bit. Her focus is going to kindergarten and she thinks she'll be a really big girl when she goes and we told her that kindergartner's don't have tantrums anymore. So she's trying to act better. She has replapses, but I think as time passes you'll get your sweet little boy back.

Have you had him tested for ADHD? This was about the age mine started horrid tantrums and tons of attitude. Fortunately, my dad and brother are also ADHD and my parents helped me get the resources we needed(cuz the school was NO help). We still have issues and some days are still far worse than others, but knowledge is your best weapon. I am actually looking for a family counselor right now so we can learn better ways of dealing with the issues during the school year. This may not be what's going on with your little man, but it's a direction to try.

We usually lose ground everytime we give in, even if it's just a little bit. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right. Are you doing these things everytime? Sometimes we just get so tired of the struggle and feel like all we do is time them out and change our minds about outings. It's so much easier sometimes to just stop whatever is happening, do something fun and think we'll tackle the behavior another time. I don't think any of us are consistent all the time no matter how matter of factly we say it.

First of all, Kuddos to you for recognizing this is not the right way to handle things, even at a young age. so many parents just hope the child grows out of it. . .
There is a class called "What to do with the mad you feel" it is something geared to child care providers, but last time someone posted a question similar to yours, it appeared they had classes all over the country and I would assume parents can take them (you just won't need a certificate for licensing hours - LOL!). Google it and see if there are any trainings near you. It might help you, help your son in working through the feelings he is having in a more contructive way and provide him the tools he needs to express himself in appropriate ways.

I don't have a lot of advice for you, I just want you to know your not alone.. My son is 3.5 and I'm going through the same issues with him... I am REALLY good with following through but it doesn't always change his attitude.. I'll be anxious to see what others say :0)

Personally, I think the people who imply the problem is you may just have a different sort of child. I've got one like yours, and I'm finding the book "The Explosive Child" helpful.

Does your son get an opportunity to make certain decisions? I read a book when my older daughter was about 2 about temper tantrums. It said that they do it because they want to assert their independence but aren't yet allowed to.

If you let him make some of the decisions (not life or death) and explain that some decisions are his and some are yours. Also, we stick to a rule (that the book suggested) about starting out with 5 minutes before something is going to happen. It's 5 minutes until 5 time to go in...it's now 3 minutes until time to go in...it's 1 minute until time to go in. It gives my girls time to prepare that they're going in. If they don't do it when they're told, then they get 15 minutes taken off of tomorrow night.

The same thing doesn't work with every kid, but (as many of the other moms say) consistency is key.

i am sorry to say but if you have been having these problems for 6 months and you have tried all these things to curb the attitude, YOU are the one not being consistent. you can't expect a discipline strategy to work "consistently" if you don't use it consistently. most likely he knows that if he keeps it up you'll switch tactics, and eventually let him get away with his behavior, so he keeps it up till you do. i am a firm believer in time out. if you spend a couple hours or a day just ON HIM and watching him like a hawk, and time him out when he starts with the attitude, it will teach him that it's not acceptable and he will get out of the habit of going into tantrum mode or whatever it is he's doing. it might be a bit of a rough road getting him used to the idea that this isn't allowed anymore, but it will work.

even now if my son is tired, hungry, or just plain has had a bad day - he might be in time out again, thirty seconds after he got out. but he is a month shy of being 4 and i have never had big issues with his discipline. a few times here or there he has tried to up the ante with his behavior - these rare instances are where i have to up the ante on discipline. i will warn him and then he will get a swat on the bottom. it has probably been months since i've had to do this, i can't even remember the last time to be honest. he is a great kid, and i'm sure your son is awesome as well. for the record, i don't see taking things or privledges or fun acitivities away working with my son, my husband tries it occassionally. the thing that always brings out my son's best side is, plenty of food, plenty of sleep, plenty of excercise and activity, and consistent discipline.

Hi M.,

I was having a lot of ups and downs with my daughter when she was around that age. I was lucky and she didn't usually get physical, but she had quite the attitude and could throw tantrums with the best of them! On a whim, I started a sticker chart...we wrote numbers down (started with 1 through 20) along with a special prize at the bottom of the chart (like a trip to the zoo or Chuck E Cheese). When she had a good morning, she'd get a sticker. When she had a good night, she'd get a sticker. If she was bad, we'd take a sticker away. Once she got all the stickers, she got the 'prize'. It took a bit, but I really think this helped her a lot. Good luck to you!

Mom,
Just curious Mom, did anything happen in your lives when this behavior started, job change with your or husband, new baby, loss of family member, marital issues? I work with yound children and this change in behavior pretty suddenly is kind of unusual with out a trigger of some type. What seems to set this behavior off in your little boy, is it at a particluar time of day, does he still nap or maybe still need to nap if it is md-day or later? You are doing the right thing in age-appropriate punishment when he has hit fits of misbehavior be sure Dad and any other care givers are addressing this behavior when it occures.One thing I would not tolerate is his hitting you, Dad or any others. When he does this you need to stop him immediately with a very firm but not yelling voice. Hold his hands together firmly and tell him STOP! Then go on to say hitting is not nice! When he gets in your face, you hold his face back from yours or your husband does if it is done to him and tell him "please stop!" then I would also remove him immediately when from the situation or environment and take him into another room continuing to give him a time out. Make him stay there and tell him "Mommy is sad that you are not being nice" you need to sit in here for 5 minutes to think about better choices when you are mad or sad, then walk into another room for 4-5 minutes, making him stay there alone. He is seeking attention and doing it in negative ways. You need and Dad to get the upper hand today or he will be an out of control little boy more frequently. Have you sat down and talked to him about this after the time outs and asked why he does this. I assume he is pretty verbal at his age. I would do so if you havent after things have calmed down with him and you have left him alone in a room for a few minutes. Do the same when he scrams, tell him I can't understand you when you scream, please use an inside voice. Next say, "Come and get me in the other room when you can talk in a nice voice" Also continually remind him to "use your words" throughout the day, especially do so if you can see he behavior is about to escalate.One last suggestion, be sure you and Dad are also praising good behavior often when it occurs, like they say ..."find him doing something good." this often works too Mom. Say things like, " I like how you are playing so nicely with your sister. You are nice to share your toys with her." You can conquer this Mom and Dad, just let him know it will not be allowed and who is in charge. Good luck, it will get better.