So, I have a 3 month old and I have been home with my 5 year old DD and newborn on maternity leave. Up until about a year ago, my husband stayed home or worked part time. Anyway, my DD and him have always had a good relationship and we are both pretty equally involved in parenting.
Now with the new baby, I was expecting some drama, but things have overall gone fairly well. Some bedtime problems, some tantrums but mostly really well with me. Now with my husband its a different story. He makes a lot of time for her and just started a daddy/daughter night. So far, both times they have both come home upset with her apparently having thrown fits in public and he gets frustrated. She is typically well behaved.
Anyway, he is at a loss but not figuring out what to do. Any recommendations or books he could read or good tactics.
Thanks for all the feedback. He is trying to deal with it, he has been firm and last week when the breakdown happened, they just left and came home where we put her straight to bed. Actually, since then, everything has been pretty much back to normal. She is just not typically a fit in public type of kid so it was kinda a shock. I am interested in the 1-2-3 magic book. I think we do need some other tricks up our sleeves.
When she has a fit, he brings her home. He calmly tells her, "Sorry, Suzy, when you throw a fit it's time to leave." That's it. The same as what should happen when she throws a fit when she's out with you.
He needs to not get "frustrated," no one said parenting was all roses. Tell him to stop getting upset.
well, all kids go through phases where they test and act out, so i think your dh needs to get his head in the game and not let himself get thrown by sudden behavioral blips. bringing her home if she tried a public tantrum is great. HIM coming home upset over it isn't.
all he (and you) really need to do is to be firm and consistent in your expectations. i think it's fine to have a little extra daddy/daughter time, but that doesn't mean it's all her rodeo.
i recommend that HE fix her with a stern, disappointed stare and say something like 'i enjoyed our outings, but they're on hold until you're ready to behave yourself in public. when you can come to me and assure me that you're ready we'll try again. but if i see one single sign that you're going to act the way you did when we went to the malt shop, we're going straight back home again and you're going straight to bed.'
YOU stay out of it.
khairete
S.
I am kind of thinking out loud here so bear with me, I wonder if the special time has actually had the effect of telling her she is special and by proxy, in control. I wonder because I have noticed this younger generation has a lot of drama that my generation never had to deal with. Most of the families with the drama are like yours, oh we have a new baby we need to make sure the older child knows they are still special.
I don't think my generation was harsh or loved our kids any less it is just we took the view that we are a family, all in this, we do everything together so a new member of the family is just an addition and we all adapted. That adaptation was expected. It didn't take books or special time, it just was. Kids have a great ability to get what they need but when you start looking at allowing for what they want, you get a lot of drama.
Not sure if I am right but dang, your generation seems to have a lot more problems than ours did.
Sounds like she is acting out in public because of the way her daddy handles it. Either he is too permissive and she doesn't have good boundaries, or she gets her way when she does it and she thinks it's how to get her way.
If I were your husband, I would stop whatever it is that they are doing when she starts throwing a fit, take her to the car, and bring her home and put her in her room. The only way she will stop doing this is to NEVER get her way, and pay a big consequence for it.
My older son did this kind of thing. I never let it slide. Even with a cart full of groceries. Even when that meant no movie for my family. We brought home to bear with my very stubborn son that he was NOT going to get his way when he acted like this. It worked.
Your husband needs to sit down with her and tell her the rules. You need to look at her with tough mommy eyes and face and tell her that she had BETTER behave for daddy. Remind her that the moment she stops listening and starts throwing fits, she will lose her privilege. And no matter what, he drops what they are doing and marches her straight to the car.
Better do it now and nip this stuff in the bud. The next thing you know, she will be doing it with YOU when you have the baby with you and then it's very hard to manage both her and the baby.
I have tried twice to answer the question.
Perhaps a parenting class for dad and you to attend would be great so that you have an idea of what a 5 year old and on up will try to pull.
It is best to get things under control younger when you can correct them before they become part of the child. Maybe the outings should be put on hold for a bit to give each person a chance to regroup and then try again.
This is a good age to learn patience and to control impulse decisions. Before you know it, the tween/teen years will be here and you will really have your hands full if you don't.
Good luck to you.
the other S.
PS I agree with Julie S. You can't always get what you want as a child or an adult.
I agree with Suz T. This is your husband's deal. If he's going to have these outings, he needs to deal with the consequences if your daughter misbehaves. Otherwise, if he comes home upset and expects you to deal with it (which I'm guessing is what is happening?) then she won't respect his authority and it will just keep happening.
My friend's husband is similar. Love to treat his kids, but if they misbehave, he hands them back over to her - at his wit's end.
He just needs to learn how to parent - when they're not behaving.
Suz T's advice is exactly what I would do. She doesn't get to go out and enjoy time with Dad on a daughter/dad date unless she behaves. They come home.
He can even say after a bad experience that he was planning on taking her to do .... but we won't this time, until I'm sure you can behave. Make her understand she's missing out on fun.
She could be looking for extra attention with new baby - but reason doesn't really matter. Consistency is key.
Works for us. Good luck :)
I agree with Suz T. completely.
Kids do this stuff, new baby or not, but consistently response to tantrums and meltdowns, without frustration, is absolutely key. Work on techniques that you and your husband can both employ so there's no payoff for your daughter in being with one parent vs. the other.
You asked about recommended books? I would recommend 1-2-3 Magic. It has great tools on eliminating behaviors that are not desirable, but more importantly they focus a lot on how the PARENTS should react in these situations. 5 is definitely a "testing time" for kids, and adding in a new baby can make things a little more difficult. However, don't let the new baby be an "excuse" for your 5 yr old to act out - either at home or in public.
Good luck!
She's five! It's an explosive age with lots of crying and yelling. They are trying to have more control, yet, they still need help with lots of things. Her behavior has nothing to do with the baby. It's age appropriate.
You just have to be consistent, teach anger control, and hang tight.
I like ah ha parenting.com
