How Do You Handle Tantrums in Young Toddlers?

The moment my grandson starts to whine we tell him to use his words even though he doesn't have a lot yet. If he doesn't settle down or he keeps whining we tell him whining is naughty and we ask questions about what he wants. But he has a bad habit of saying no when he means yes. So we are working on that. He doesn't really throw all out tantrums yet. My daughter pops him on his butt if he starts to and he stops or she puts him on his toddler bed. He's really good about sitting there until he calms and then he won't get up until we tell him to. So I just use the bed when he's getting on my last nerve. For the most part I try really hard to talk him through it.

I am sure this will get negative responses and may not work for all kids, but none of my three children threw tantrums past 18/24 months, here's what worked for me. First I said things like use your words,than I ignored, then i used to give the stern look. When all of those things stopped working I gave one warning and then a good pop on the butt. Just one pop with the most serious face. My three daughters are all three years apart with three very different personalities. Even though all different it worked on all three. Before we went into a store theygot the talk. Act up and I will give u a pop. My children never ever threw tantrums, cried uncontrollably, hit me, and or screamed in a store. at 2 years old in my opinion, it's unacceptable. My oldest is 11, youngest is three. I have always been told how well behaved my children are. We have flown from California to new York, dc and Hawaii. People ate always amazed at that my children don't act up. They know there is consequences for their behavior and I expect them to behave a certain way. The key though is to be consistent. And I rarely had to pop them in the bottom, once or twice was all it took. Obviously I am not talking about special needs kids. I understand that is a different situation and will not work. This is Just something that works for me and my group of friends. Our children do not run our household.

I step over my son and tell him not to crack the floor. So, ignoring it works pretty well in my house.

ETA- Oh yeah... Tantrums are caused by me not feeding or playing with my son..... *SARC*

My son has thrown tantrums just because I told him he can't go out in the garage barefoot. He'd JUST eaten. He'd JUST gotten up from a nap an hour earlier.... Hence NOT TIRED OR HUNGRY. And in MOST cases, you cannot reason with that toddler UNTIL THEY CALM DOWN! I refuse to reward my child for throwing a fit by 'distracting' him with something FUN!

***Sorry K.*** I get irked when people blatenly say people that do this or that are doing things wrong. What works for one family may not work for another and vice versa.

I didn't say anything about another method being WRONG. I simply gave the answer of what works IN OUR HOME.

Just be open minded. ☺

OK, this is a very out of the box idea, but have you tried mimicking the behavior. When my daughter went through the "scream till I get my way stage", I would scream back. Which would confuse her. Which made me laugh and that sometimes worked, and sometimes made her more upset. I also used to tell her to scream louder because "I can't hear you" and of course she could only get so loud so she would eventually just give up. She never really had a full on tantrum, but I was prepared to yell and scream and stomp my feet just to see her reaction. My theory is kids are looking for attention and seeing a parent doing what a kid would do defeats the purpose. Good luck.

When my daughter started tantrums, I had been told to treat tantrums like a performance. If there isn't an audience, the performance will end. I usually said something like please use your words so mommy can understand and then I walked out of her sight. I still kept an eye or ear on her to make sure she wasn't physically hurt. Then when she came back to me, I tried to be empathetic to her frustration but didn't change my answer.

My BEST ADVICE IS... to check out http://www.loveandlogic.com which began with Jim Fay and Foster Cline. I started with the book "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood (Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years)" by Jim Fay and Charles Fay. If you don't like to read it is also available in a CD.

I have gone on to read their other books and I have a few of the CDs too. My daughter is now four and their advice is truly making all of our lives more fun! I think one of the peditricians in our group teaches a class during the spring and again in the fall on putting it into practice. I can't say enough positive things about it!

I don't advise punishment or ignoring. I think those things hurt the relationship. Mostly what works is prevention--keep them fed and not thirsty, pay attention to when they are getting frustrated so you can redirect before they get loud or start hitting, don't set them up for failure with long shopping trips or long restaurant meals.

But when it's really a tantrum, if you are home, you could let them have a minute to vent, get that adrenaline/cortisol out, then distract, sweep the kid up, get a snack, put on a tv show, let the dog out, etc. Change the mood with something new.

If you are out, pretty quickly get out of the way of others, if you can. I don't think it's ok to keep a screaming, flailing kid in a store or restaurant. I am not sure how you manage that with twins! Tricky.

I would make sure you always have lots of little, fun surprises in your bag--stickers, finger puppets, crayons, a balloon, little party toys, necklaces and bracelets, like silly bands--always have tricks to pull out to distract. Be creative. I've made stuff out of old receipts, made the plastic wipes container talk (use the lid like a mouth). Your capacity for silliness goes a long way at that age, be playful.

These days if I see my daughter starting to get riled up in public, I can sort of whisper close to her, "it's not ok to scream in here, the other people are eating, you'll bum them out, ok? want to play a game on my phone?" And she can help calm herself, get interested in something new, and we may stop something before it starts. But she's older.

At less than 2, she was more distractable, but less reasonable, if that makes sense--so it would work better to immediately offer something new and fun than to talk about it.

When everyone is calm, practice taking a big breath. Use blowing bubbles to practice, or balloons, or pinwheels. Over time, I've seen my daughter start to remember that breathing deep helps her. When she stubs a toe or something now, I see her consciously take a big breath. It took a long time before she would think of that in the moment though.

It's a good skill to practice, to be mindful, to focus on breathing when you don't feel calm, to slow down when you start to feel mad. Kids won't learn it all alone in time out, or by being ignored.

My husband and I decided that we weren't going to have tantrums in our lives, the same way our parents didn't. My oldest two (now 5 and 3) each tried it once or twice and never again after discipline at 18 months, and my 3rd born angry terror needed a bit more consistency, maybe 5 or 6 attempts a few months earlier. (She started raging fits at 9 months and we began discipline for it around 12 months) She's been totally tantrum free since about 15 months, but still has a fussier nature which we allow for when going down to bed and certain times of the day etc, but straight up defiant tantrums are not allowed and she'll curb one at a warning. She's now 2.

When ours showed the very first signs of starting one because we said "no" or something wasn't going their way, we gave ONE calm warning "no fits" before it escalated, and if they continued it, they got a swat on the bum with another calm, "no fits" warning. If it didn't stop that one in it's tracks, it stopped the next one because they knew what to expect and could make the choice to curb it since they got a calm warning first. Again, my third persevered a bit longer, maybe or six times over the span of a couple months, but she also controlled many during that time and always got lavish praise and celebration when she curbed it at a warning. We didn't do time outs because they enable the child to tantrum in the time out and in kids we know, aren't serious enough to deter future ones.

Our non spanking friends used to say, "you could squash their spirits/emotions" based on what they read (even though they were all spanked in the 70's and admit it didnt' hinder their emotions or spirits in any way). And now they don't say that since they know our happy vibrant kids. Our kids are very emotional and are allowed their full range of expression for fear, anxiety, sadness, etc. Even my non verbal 2 year old can point and express herself. We are extremely affectionate and nurturing for those things. They're just not allowed to have tantrummy tantrums. They actually express their true feelings better because of it, and we know when something is REALLY wrong, because they have maturity and control, and never throw random fits.

We don't discipline if they are tired or hungry or having an off day. And if we are personally aggravated, like stressed about bills or something, we don't discipline unless we are calm. We never ever use anger to teach a toddler. They learn results to their actions, not to our tempers. This makes the lesson faster, because the child is not confused about why they are having a consequence. Responding right away prevents anger and escalation anyway.

We also model calm nice behavior, but that is not enough for toddlers, they'll still throw fits if they're allowed.

Most of all, we don't have tantrums, because we have NEVER ignored one. The kids know not to bother trying it, forgot all about the option, and think it's weird to see other kids do it.

If you go this route, always catch it early on when the child is receptive to the choice, if they are already in melt down mode, wait and catch the next one.

Not everyone approves, but we are loving life with 3 non tantrummers.

Well, find the DVD if you can (Blockbuster online used to have it)---Happiest Toddler on the Block was a lifesaver. I understand people seeing tantrums as defiance as suggested with spankings, but honestly you are asking a child with limited communication skills to put aside what they need/want. I am not anti-spanking, but seriously we are talking about toddlers. This DVD is awesome!!! We did work the strategy and it worked for us like a charm. I teach Pre-K and it works with my students too. The children feel affirmed, even when their way is not given, and they know I truly do care about what they are upset about. The book was okay but I could not visualize what he was describing; seeing it in action made it click. Hubby and I watched it together and both use it even today and they are 5 and 6. I truly feel this strategy made me aware of how in tune I am to my kids needs/wants---so thankful for Dr. Harvey's work.