17 Month Old Screaming at friends....help!

Updated on August 18, 2010
B.P. asks from Rocky River, OH
4 answers

I have a 17 month old little girl and baby sit a friend's little girl who is 17 months old also. They have been together since they were 5 months old and love each other's company. They are both happy and are generally really easy kids. Our problem is that the little girl that I babysit for has suddenly started getting extremely angry at my daughter. She has periods every day where she doesn't want my daughter to play with any of the toys and screams in her face. Like, bloodcurdling.....wall-paper peeling......horror film screams. This often upsets my daughter who will run away, or worse....pinch or bite, the other little girl....and then start crying. I am a former Pre-School and Kindergarten teacher, so I understand that developmentally they have no concept of sharing at this point. I know the toddler's credo. But this is driving all of us insane. I have been consistently telling her firmly that we do not scream, giving her time to sit alone, and making sure that she doesn't get the toy that she is upset over (I don't want her to associate the screaming w/ getting the toy). She tends to think the time outs are funny though (my ped keeps telling me they're developmentally inappropriate at this age...but I feel like I have to do something) and she proceeds to scream at my daughter about the next toy as soon as she is done with her time out. I have also been going out of my way to praise her when she does share the toys. Her parents are totally on the same page. It seems to be getting worse though and I'm about ready to lose my mind.....LOL! Our mornings have been miserable lately and it's just so hard to see my happy girls so angry at each other. :( Help! Will this just pass if we are consistent? Any advice or words of encouragement from the more seasoned moms would be appreciated. Thanks. :)

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So What Happened?

Thanks for the advice guys. Lots of great tips! That first week of screaming was the worst. Now things are a lot more manageable. I am able to anticipate better when she will get upset and pre-empt that which has helped. I also created a more structured activity schedule (more like a preschool/daycare schedule.....circle time, music and movement time, etc.) and that has helped a bunch too.

More Answers

L.A.

answers from Austin on

First, purchase some spongy ear plugs and keep them handy. When she screams in that high pitched scream insert them.

This is a phase. Toddlers are possessive and do not like sharing. They do not like sharing toys or attention. Screaming is one way she knows to get her point across..
Until she learns her words for her feelings, this is one of the ways she will express herself.

The main thing you can do is, use distraction. When she starts screaming, try to divert her attention. Pick her up and turn her in a different direction. Start singing a song or clapping.. Turn on some music and start dancing.. Keep a couple of toys handy that were not in the original pile she was possessing and see if she will switch gears.

Turn on and off the lights or open and close the shades.. Make it a different situation all of a sudden.

Also try to give her the words.
"You seem frustrated." "You seem angry."

Practice sharing.. It is a little early, but if you initiate it, maybe she will catch on..

Sit on the floor with lots of toys that are similar.. Like blocks. Place both children there.. build a small tower, then offer to share. "Will you share my block?"
"May I share your block?" "I like when you share." "Can you share with Mary?"
"That was nice sharing" "Mary can you share with Suzie?"
"Suzie that was good sharing. Who will share with me?" "Thank you for sharing."

The other good thing to practice is trading. "May I trade this red block with you?"
"Will you please trade your blue block with me?"

"May I play with the doll in 1 minute?"

Like I said at this point it will seem fruitless, but you will be amazed that if you keep up this type of chatter they can catch on pretty quickly..

I am sending you strength.

2 moms found this helpful
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P.M.

answers from Portland on

She's really at the wrong age to make much sense of sharing. Or for time-outs. It's fine to introduce the idea and interact with the children in "sharing mode" for short periods of time – that's how they will eventually learn. But she's right at the age when it's becoming clear to her that she is a separate person with separate desires, and this is compellingly important to her. Plus, there's that small problem of kids that age having short attention spans and very little impulse control.

Rather than trying to insist the children play peacefully together for more than a few minutes at a time, put some sort of barrier between them so they can each play with "their" toys in their own territories. Allow them to visit and play near each other only as long as the results are peaceful.

Your daughter's pinching and biting is an unsurprising response to painful and upsetting screaming in her face. She wants it to stop as badly as you do. Foam earplugs might help you, but your daughter isn't likely to tolerate them. So do all of you a favor, and avoid the situations that become too stressful for all of you. This phase will pass, and probably faster if you don't allow it to become reinforced through repetition.

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R.S.

answers from Cincinnati on

My two boys were 15 months apart in age, so I bought two identical toys of every toy so they each had their own. If I didn't have two of each toy, I didn't put it out for play. I even got the same color so they wouldn't fight over that.

Developmentally this age child is just discovering they are a separate person -- so sharing doesn't make sense to them -- neither does time out. Consider setting up separate shelves for each child with their name on them and with identical toys stored in each shelving unit with each toy having its own space on the shelf. I outlined the toy shape with masking tape on the shelf so the child knows where to return the toy when they're finished playing or you can encourage and help them by showing them how to store the toy in its place on the shelf.

Another thing that helps is to use rugs that define each child's space for playing--so Ann has her own rug to play blocks or trains and Amy has her own rug. Get a sturdy, tight weave rug (the kind that's used for wall to wall carpeting) about a 2 x 3 foot piece that you can roll up and stand on end next to the shelving unit, then each child can be shown how to set up and put away her own place space rug. Set the rug in a plastic bucket along side each child's shelving unit to keep it from unrolling.

For the next two years, the girls will need their own play spaces and toys as they are learning the concept of me and self. That's why they're always saying mine -- they're telling everyone that they are a separate person from you.

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M.H.

answers from Evansville on

I know this sounds lame, but I had to tell my daughter to use her words all the time. She would cry or scream in frustration and we'd go "use your words" and eventually she would talk more. It is frustrating time for all parties involved. I really feel for you! You almost feel helpless, right? At least you have a good support system on your side. :)

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