I had a friend bring her 20 month old daughter for a rainy day playdate this weekend and my daughter spent the entire time grabbing any toy the other child touched, cried and screamed. I was so embarrassed and tried to explain sharing, distracting her but nothing worked. My nanny said she acts the same way on play dates during the week. Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks for the advice, I am going to try it.
My 16 month old son Jack sometimes acts the same way. A lot of experts will say to let them work it out. I use that method but out loud describe to him what is going on. "You just took that toy from John, do you see how upset he is. Why don't we try sharing". and I will hand a toy to John. Jack is learning the concept now of sharing. I always use the word share and narrate to him.
Practice by having her share and take turns with YOU. She needs to learn the terminology of "now it's your turn...now it's mommy's turn", and she needs to learn that really difficult concept of WAITING when it's someone else's turn. Have your turn be super short, and keep practicing. Ask her nicely if you can have a turn as a way to model her asking for her turn. Is she verbal yet? If so, have her ask you for her turn, too. When she has a friend over and she screams for her turn, do not give her the toy to quiet her (because that teaches her to scream and cry until she gets what she wants) and do not put her in time out for screaming for the toy-- she isn't really doing anything "wrong"-- she is just venting her frustration because she thinks the world revolves around her and doesn't understand why she has to share. Instead, remove her from the struggle by taking her in another room and explaining to her that it is Suzie's turn for the toy right now and she can have a turn in a minute. Then go back in the room and ask Suzie if your daughter can have a turn... then after a couple of minutes, tell her it's Suzie's turn now and have her give Suzie the toy whether she gives it happily or not-- if she screams, see above steps and repeat.
I've seen advice in magazines to have more than one of a popular toy, but that doesn't really solve anything because at her age it isn't the popularity of the toy, but the fact that someone else has it-- it could be a piece of lint and she'd still want it because someone else has it-- haha! Also, the best thing you can do for your child is put her in a Moms Day Out program for a couple of hours a week. Once they get over the freaking out and crying for several weeks, 99% of the time the kids really love it and learn sooooooooo many social skills.
In the meantime, have a chuckle by reading how she views the world as a toddler...
http://www.mayitpleasethecourt.com/journal.asp?blogID=898
Hi! I read something that I have now posted on my fridge. It says to practice with your kids at home and use a timer, so they know how long they get to have the toy and then their sibling gets the toy for the same amount of time. They can argue with you but not the timer:) I know you just have one but if you practice it might help!:) Hope this helped! Good luck!
Hi, C.. Oooooh, she's jealous! She's not used to being around other children, and she's afraid the other kids will take her toys as well as take up all the attention. That's why she's acting out. I think that to get her feeling more secure about having other children around, you and other adults could sit on the floor with them all, and make sure that all the children play with you and each other. Make sure that they all get about the same amount of attention. It doesn't sound like your daughter is verbal enough yet to understand the command to share; you're going to have to demonstrate it, as well as demonstrate that she isn't going to lose anything by being around other kids.
Some kids are naturally more social than others; some need more time to get used to the idea that they are not the center of the universe. ( : Maybe you can show her pictures of when she was smaller, and let her know that she's grown a lot and is a big girl now...and big girls play nice, or some other positive message. Make sure you model playing nicely with others. Start at home by playing nicely with each other, and build on those skills a little bit at a time.
You might also try having play dates with fewer children for her to be jealous of.
Peace,
Syl
Children at this age are very ego-centric. It's all about me! They don't really grasp the sharing concept until they are three. That doesn't mean that you just let her have her way. I always made my boys share and now my almost 4 year old has a pretty good grasp of it. We set the timer or take turns with things. Although I have three kids and they are forced to share at all times. Keep her in play groups. She needs to be around other children. Don't let it embarass you. For the most part it is a stag, but it isn't going to get better unless you make her share otherwise she isn't goingt to. You could even try sharing something of yours with her and set a timer to let her give you a turn. Don't get me wrong there is usually a kicking and screaming fit, but it does get better the more you do it.
God Bless,
R.
The other advice is all great. Just practice, practice, practice. You need to "prep" her before having playtime with other children too. Talk to her about how she will be expected to behave (sharing, taking turns, etc) just prior to the "play date" so it is fresh in her mind. I still do this when I am taking my kids somewhere they are don't go routinely... "remember to sit quietly while the speaker is talking, then we can play later after we've had something to eat" or, "remember to ask Mrs. ___ what you should do with the birthday present you brought", or "If you need anything or have a problem, be sure to let Mrs. __ know so that she can help you or call me if she needs to", etc..
It's the same with your daughter and sharing. Practice on your own. Then when the occasion comes around, give her a little "pep talk" reminder about what she supposed to do... and watch her grow!
The day BEFORE each play date initiate a discussion about sharing and let your daughter know that it is okay to have a few very special things that she doesn't want to share, but that when someone comes over we have to share the rest. Remind her that when she plays at the friend's she gets to touch and play with all her stuff.
On the day of the play date, ask your daughter which are her very special things that she does not want to have to share and put them in a special, hidden, safe place. Then remind her throughout the day what a big girl she is and how nice it is that she is sharing.
Also, you need to know that this is completely normal.
: )
I'd guess it would be unlikely your daughter will "play well with others" for at least another year. Kids don't seem to understand social skills at all until around 3 or so. That is the reason pre-school doesn't start until then! As for the play date at your house - those are HER toys and she is not at all thrilled with having someone else have them. Even though she is not interested in them until the other child has it!
Sigh. That doesn't help much, does it? Good news! Your next child will understand sooner because your daughter will see to it that he or she learns quickly! :-)
As for now: A few 'play dates' now and then don't seem like a bad idea - just so your daughter learns she is not the only child in the universe. But - I'd not expect your daughter to be thrilled about it. Meanwhile - when it's just the grownups and your daughter - don't let her take things away from you! (I know it's easier just to let her have what she wants - but - it is pretty hard for her to understand why she can do that with you and not someone else...)
