12 Year Old Sneaky Girl

Hey C.,

I would have to say that I agree with some of the other moms. My mother did very similar things to me when I was that age, and my mother was strict and extremely consistent! Also you have to be willing to be the hard-a**. You are her mother, NOT her friend. You can be her friend when she is older, trust me, my mother and I are very close now.

Grounding works only if you are serious about it. I was grounded sometimes for two weeks at a time. Grounded meant no TV (I could watch with my dad but that was it... damn discovery channel...:) ), no phone, no hanging out with my friends, nothing! I had to skip a couple of slumber parties because I was breaking the rules.

My point is, be the parent, don't let her walk over you. I used to think my mom was a nag and wanted to ruin my life, because everything is so TRAGIC when you are that young, but as I look back I thank her all the time. There are so many people out there that aren't taught about consequences when they are younger and they end up making some of the most foolish decisions later in life.

My mom still refers to me as her "challenge" but I love her to death and she is the most awesome grandma too!

Thoughts to chew on...

C.-
This is a good situation in which to take a lesson or two from the Super Nannies! 12 year old girls are often, and can be, compared to the "terrible 2's" - it is an age where the testing and the pushing and the manipulation start all over again, but this time, shes just as smart as you.
The key to nipping the situation in the bud is consistancy. Every time she takes things she knows she is not supposed to, there needs to be a consequence that is meaningful to her. For instance, if she sneaks something, take away her most prized possession - keep taking another possession or another privledge away, even to the point where her room is bare with only a bed in it. Take away activites that she enjoys (sports, having friends over, dance classes) - the point is to drive home the point that YOU are the parent, what you say goes, and if she does not obey and respect you, everything she takes for granted, such as playing outside or watching TV, can be just as easily taken away as allowed.
One of the BEST consequences my mother ever handed down to me as a 12 year old (I was a horribly 12 year old myself) was to take off my bedroom door. FOr some reason, I had not respected my mothers privacy, so she took my door off its hinges so that I did not have any privacy (privacy is one of the most important things to a 12 year old). I had to then earn my door back with good behaviour - what made it even more difficult was that my two younger siblings could sit at my bedroom door and watch me without passing the threshold. You better believe I worked my butt off to get that door back.
Consistancy is key, and you have to be prepared to be tough - tougher than your child - can keep the consequences rollling the more she pushes. I am a behavioural psychologist - you will not psychologically injure your child by making her suffer consequences, and you have to be willing to keep it up, perhaps for a LONG period of time, to get her in hand.
Good luck!

C., try this for every one thing she gets while sneeking, take away 2 things of hers and lock them away some place like your car truck. Let her know that you will be keeping said items until she can learn to ask. Make sure to start with her favorites and keep adding 2 more every time you find that she has been sneaky. You can also take away non tangable items such as tv,phone priviledges, ect. just write them down on paper and add that to the trunk. Good luck and let me know, B.

I agree with those who say to "nip it in the bud". This could become a serious issue and you need to make your daughter respect you eneough to not do these things. I had parents who never punished me and let me tell you, I actually resent them now for letting me get away with the things I did like sneaking and lying. Others have made good suggestions, but whatever yu do you need to do it consistently and with strength.

What kinds of things does she take? I would be curious to know.

Although my child is still under 1, I have cousins that also have forms of ADD, and other special needs. I also essentially raised my three siblings from when I was 8- 14. It sounds like your daughter may not yet understand what boundaries are. Boundaries are rarely easy to express for adults, muchless children.

Have you tried reversing the situation? By that, I mean taking something she often enjoys, and not mentioning it until she asks about it. She should be able to figure out how it feels to have her own boundaries broken, and maybe that would help you to bring up this issue when her interest is more vested.

Also, does your daughter go to counseling, in addition to drug treatment for her ADD? If she does, you could ask her therapist to help you each, as a disinterested third party.

If boundaries are made, it should be easier with the younger children when their time comes. Some of my relatives have laid boundaries and some have not. There's an obvious link between the parent's limits, and the behavior of the children.

Hopefully my advice isn't too blunt. I realize I haven't fully raised a child by myself, but I have recently been learning about boundaries, in any given situation. I'm very thankful, because now I know ahead of time how to present my boundaries.

I have A 12 yr. old boy and I have the same thing happening here to So I stoped bringing in my pures in the house and if he gets in to anything he is not suposto get in I take things away or he sits in hes room. Yes he has ADD?AHD/ODD/Bipoler also He goes to a sicetersed and therype and on meds. if you need to talk you and email me

I went through the same thing with my oldest when he was that age (he is now 24 )
this my seem mean but I let him catch me going through his room and then we talked about how it made him feel and how he made everyone else in the house when he did it to them. I don't know if that will work for you but my son never did it again.
J.

I don't know if this would work as my son isn't even close to this age yet - but I remember being 12 and if she's not respecting your privacy - perhaps you could do the same as her and not respect hers. Maybe try putting something in her room so she knows you've been in there and make sure you guys talk about it afterward. I wouldn't do anything hugely drastic like going through her stuff but maybe if she sees what it feels like, she'll be less inclined to do it to you.

Hi C.,

I'll have to confess, that I did the same thing around that same age. But my Mom nipped it in the bud... real fast. She contacted the local police and made attangements for an officer to show me exactly what happenes to people who take things that don't belong to them. It scared me straight. i don't know if you are up to such a thing, But I can tell you, it worked pretty darn good.
If you have tried everything else you can think of, I'd try this. Lots of prayers help too
Good Luck and let me know how things go. Melody

Well, to put it lightly... What goes around comes around! Start taking her stuff, maybe then she would realize what she is doing to other people. Take things that mean something to her like a stereo/mp3 player, cell phone, Whatever, things that she would really miss! Tell her when she stops taking things without permission you will return her things! Put her things in your locked bedroom! I don't think it will take long for her to stop! Good Luck!

I would have to agree with these other mothers, I don't have a 12 year old, but I do remember being in your daughter's shoes. My mother passed down mostly all of the punishments that these mothers suggested I had things taken away from me, she took my door off, and grounded me, with the exception of a week off total, I was literally grounded for a year straight. First of all make your groundings brief, but not predictable. Like I said I was grounded for a year straight, well I felt like I wasn't ever going to be ungrounded, so I figured I'd go for the gusto. Afterall she had already taken away all my priveleges, grounded me (for what I considered to be forever), and taken everything I owned short of my clothes away. So there really wasn't much she could do to punish me. So keep all punishments brief. I know how difficult this is going to sound, but trust me. When the time for ungrounding comes and she is still doing things "punishable by mom", try to let the little stuff slide and unground her anyways. She needs to remind herself how good it feels to be ungrounded. As far as the unpredictable part, don't make standard punishments for her "offenses", keep her on her toes! I remember everytime my mother forewarned me about the consequences, I would literally sit there and contemplate whether I wanted it that bad. And I usually did want it bad enough. I truely hope this helps. Good Luck!
~C.~