12 Year Old Boy

Have you spoken to his teacher? If it is also a problem at school, then you should definitely have him see someone professionally, even just to have someone to talk to privately about things. Sometimes boys at this age have a lot going on that they don't understand.

Could you go back and edit your question and give a little more information? What type of directions is he resistant to? Doing homework? Chores? Family outings? How is his behavior at school, his grades etc? What are some things he likes to do? The more information you are able to provide about him and his personality, the better the advice you are likely to get. Good Luck!

As McK4 has suggested, more info would help us to give you suggestions that may be more helpful to you.

To start with I'd like to suggest that this is normal behavior at this age. What is important is to figure out why he's acting this way and find a way to change not only what he's doing but to change the way you are dealing with it so that he is able to change.

My first thought is that often parents have difficulty letting go of all the control. When our children approach the teen years they are internally programmed to seek out the ability to have more self-control. They are further along on the road to independence as adults and need to learn how to successfully control themselves and their lives in a gradual manner as their brain matures. By the way, our brains are not totally mature until our twenties. The last part to mature is the frontal lobe that allows us to make good judgments.

This gives us a clue as to how to help our children grow in independence. We gradually allow them to be included in and then to make decisions in areas that have less severe consequences when they make a mistake.

I suggest you set it up so that he is involved in making rules. For example, if getting his homework done is a problem, turn the problem over to him. Ask him if doing his homework is important to him. Talk about it's importance from your viewpoint only after he's answered that question. Then have a discussion listening and responding to his views without pushing your views. State your opinion and your preference but allow him to make the final decision about how important doing it is to him.

Then ask him to set up a plan for getting it done. If he still say's getting it done is unimportant to him and it's still important to you that he gets it done then tie in a consequence for not getting it done that involves something important to him. An example would be that there is no TV or computer time, other than that needed for homework, until he's shown you that his homework is done. But do allow him to make a plan for actually doing it, i. e., when, where, and how.

The difficult part is the follow thru. This means that you're involved without appearing to be involved. Be sure the TV is off and that he is using the computer for homework only. But do it in a manner that does not intrude on his control. For example, listen for and glance at the screen. Do not talk with him. Do it in such a manner that he's mostly unaware that you're doing it. When parents get intrusive they are setting the child up for feeling the need to rebel if control is the teen's issue.

When enforcing the consequences, do it as calmly and matter of factly as possible. Unplug or turn off the TV or computer without making a comment. Do not respond to his comments. He may try to push your buttons and get you off track in an argument.

By letting him make as many decisions about what affects him as possible you are giving him a sense of control that will set the stage for you and him sharing control. At the same time that you allow him to make decisions you still maintain control over decisions that affect his safety, health, and well being. You still enforce rules such as completing homework, bed time, behavior such as being respectful and not hurting someone else or himself. But involve him in making the rules. Set aside quiet time during which you have discussions and do not issue ultimatums. If the discussions begin to be argumentative, stop them, without blaming your child. Acknowledge your own strong feelings. Do not demand respect. Expect respect by being respectful yourself.

Do not express criticism of him. If you don't agree, tell him you don't agree but do not call him a name or be angry with him for disagreeing. Allow him his own opinion.

If he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing, do not nag him. Give him an immediate consequence in a calm, non-judgmental way. And probably even more important, is to give him at least 6 compliments for every negative comment. If you have to give him a consequence then you also have to give him 6 compliments during that same day. Remember, you do not have to give any negative comments before you give a compliment. :):) Start the day with a sincere compliment and keep them going. Be sincere. You may have to hunt for reasons to compliment but you can find them.

This is very difficult to do at first but becomes easier with time. Keep in mind that you are teaching your child how to behave in this world while allowing him to feel whatever he wants to feel about it. You are teaching! You are not punishing! You are allowing as much as is safe for natural consequences but are also planning other consequences that fit the situation so that he learns from experience and not just because you told him so. He needs to feel in control of his life as much as possible given his maturity level.

I suggest reading some books about child development and parenting skills. Two that I've found particularly useful are Love and Logic by Foster and Kline and Talking so Children/Teens Can Hear or something like that by Adele Ferber.

I'm glad that you asked this question when your son is 12. What you do now is setting up the way your relationship with your son will go for the rest of his teen years. A good start is so important.

with so little information it's very difficult to offer anything useful. i'd start with making him part of the solution. when things are calm, discuss WITH him (as opposed to talking AT him) what he is frustrated with and what he'd like to see change. you can then share your thoughts on the matter. let him be part of the decision making process, including what consequences will occur when he doesn't participate positively in the social microcosm that is your family.
khairete
S.

My oldest is 12 and this is hands down the HARDEST age so far!! I'll take terrible 2s over a 12 year old boy any day!! When I took him for his annual check up, I told his doctor I will not leave until he gives ME a prescription for dealing with raising a 12 year old boy!!! He has a 12 year old son, too, so he sat down and spoke heart to heart with me, agreeing that it's a really rough age. He said to sit at the edge of his bed at night (or at the dinner table or whenever) and ask specific questions about his day. The majority of the time, he will shut down and not have any answers and not want to talk to you, but every now and then he will open up, so just keep trying. On the days he doesn't want to talk, respect his privacy. I do have to say, make sure you remain his parent and not worry about being his "friend". We lay down the law with him and, even though he knows he can talk to us about anything, we still have very strict rules and consequences when he doesn't follow them. He is actually currently grounded from anything with a screen (video games, computer, TV). He understands that he has privilages and responsibilities within our family. I wish I had a magic answer for you, but there isn't one. Just lay down the law NOW because he'll get older and bigger very quickly.

Keep trying. Do your best to maintain your relationship with him. My son is just about to turn 13 and I know what you're talking about. Make sure there's a consequence for not following directions and then stick to it. Don't get sucked into an argument or debate over why he shouldn't be in trouble for not doing as asked -- mine is famous for trying to "explain" his way/responsibility out of a situation.

Make time for the 2 of you to hang out, doing something he enjoys. Also, try talking to him in the car -- it seems to be a time when my son opens up with me -- maybe because there's nothing else to do! lol

Hang in there. It's a tough age. I think they're just trying to start growing up, establishing their own little place in the world. I remember this being a difficult age for myself, so no reason to expect differently of my children.

My nephew is 12 and does the same thing. He walked out of his house once when his mother told him something he didn't like. Mother was frustrated, but didn't run after him. So happened that was his way of dealing with the problem when he got mad. I think they are in between man and child, and they don't want to be smothered but as older men do, they go off into their "caves" alone to think. I think boys this age try to do the same thing, want to shed the mommy influence, but can't get away with it because they are still under age.

This is a really tough age for kids!! My son, now 15, was the same way at that age. We tried counceling and the councelor said that teenagers are really hard to work with because if they don't want to be there then they will not open up. It took my son years to grow up and I am finally starting to see a gradual change. Whatever you decide to do, concentrate on the positive. Find out what he likes best and go from there. I use a point system with my son's grades (I get them on the internet every week.) 1 point equals 1 hour of xbox time. It is not working wonders but it teaches him responsibility. He is the one who determines the time he gets for the xbox. Sometimes it just takes longer for some kids to grow up.