Need Support

well, if you have both amicably agreed that it is best to be apart then i would say it is. if you both want to stay together, because of the love felt between you but are feeling like things have changed and you don't know how to deal with those changes, then maybe you should try counceling. getting an impartial party to help out. if you want to stay together because of your baby, i would advise not to do it. if you guys fight all the time or are bitter and angry that is not the type of environment that will raise a happy child. if you work better apart from eachother, yes of course, it will be hard to not be with your daughter, but are you really "with her" when your not happy at home. you would be able to focus more on her if your not stressed and upset all the time. however, if you guys are compatible as friends and love eachother as friends and have no plans of anytime seeing anyone, why not see if you can live together as friends to raise your daughter, not too long ago that is how things were, people didn't marry for love or raise children together in love, but in companionship and friendship and it worked. something to think about anyways

Well, you dont say why you split, so we cant really tell you our opinions on whether we think you should stay split or try to work it out. I can tell you that I split with my husband when my twins were about a year old, and it wasnt easy, but I knew it was the right decision. I knew that I would be unhappy for the rest of my life if I stayed with him, and if I'm unhappy, how could I teach my kids to be happy? Good luck, keep us posted, and if you need support, we're all here!

As a child of divorce, a step-daughter, and now a step-mother and psychology student - I can say with certainty that the children are the real victims when their parents split. It is going to be hard. That said, I love this quote and find truth in it, "children would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home." You say you "are ready" but "are not ready". I would say if there is any ounce of you left that is willing to give it a shot with your child's father - try it. It is my advice to others that while sometimes you really can't help but to leave, that true occurrence is FAR less than it actually happens. Don't walk away until you no longer have one shred of doubt. Not one. Then you will always be able to look your daughter in the eye when she asks you about it later - and she will. And as a last note, remember you chose this for yourself and she did not, so how heartbroken should you be?

Good luck and God Bless.

Hi R.,

I am always sad to hear about situations like this. This same thing happened to me in 2002. My situation was a little different because I have 3 children and they were quite small at the time. My kids were 8 mos., 2 yrs. and 3 yrs. when my husband announced to me that he didnt love me when we married in 1998 and he had hoped that he would grow to love me but it just wasnt happening and he wanted a divorce. I moved out and in with my parents. I was able to get my own place in 2003 and shortly after I met a wonderful man who accepted me and wanted to be with me even though I had 3 small kids.
Before I moved out, I told my husband that I was moving and he basically told me that he didnt care. A couple of months later he said that I should have stayed for the sake of the kids and accused me of taking the kids away from him. He then proclaimed that he loves his kids and wants to see them every day.
I want you to know that I have never kept the kids from him and told him he can see them and take them any time he gets ready. I told him this even though he was not paying child support as he should have been. Needless to say, after numerous incidences (from 2002 to 2006) stemming from his childishness and stupidity, I had to get a court order to make him spend time with his kids every other weekend and I had to take him to court to get $20,000 worth of child support money that he owed.
I tell you all of this to say, if you can work things out with your husband, then work them out. This is only if you want to and he wants to. If staying with him means you will be unhappy, then you dont need to stay with him.
I was scared when I first left but you know what, I got over it. Everything turned out alright. I have been married now to that wonderful guy for 2 years. Now I know how it feels to be loved. Now that I look back, I can see that my first husband didnt love me and I stayed trying to make things work and because I was scared to be alone.
It has been a tough road but it was worth it and I'm glad that I took that initial step.
If you want to call me some time, please do ###-###-####.

Dear R.,

I know this is a tough time for you. First, I want to say that I am praying for you. Marriage is hard work no matter who you are married to. It is hard for the wife and the husband. You could go own with your life, but I feel certain that you would not be happy. Even if you met someone else down the road, you would still have issues in your marriage to work out. I have a wonderful husband but sometimes I don't like him. I love him always, but sometimes I don't like the things he does, sometimes he don't like me either. However, we are in love, committed to each other and committed to work through our differences.

Instead of trying to change him all the time, I have started working on making changes myself. If he changes too, that if good, if he stays the same, I am still determined to make changes in myself. I would strongly encourage you to stick with this man, love him no matter what. Divorce STRONGLY affects our children for the rest of their life. I came from a divorced home and I don't wish that on any child. Children grow secure not so much in knowing how much mommy and daddy loves THEM, but in knowing how much mommy and daddy love EACH OTHER! This is true 100% of the time. I have taught parenting classes and have worked with many children from divorced homes, it takes a long time for children to heal from divorce, some never heal and go through the rest of their lives with hurt, pain, anger, and end up making terrible choices for themselves. Not all do, but many do.

If you ever want someone to talk to or someone to pray for you, PLEASE don't hesitate to call me. I will be here for you.

Hope this has encouraged you and will help you make a good choice for yourself and your daughter.

Be blessed,
T.
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I strongly believe it is ALWAYS worth it to work it out. After watching my brother go through a divorce and the long lasting effects it has had on his kids - even when it wasn't a particularly "horrible" divorce - it was heartbreaking to watch - and still is at times. There are so many resources available to help - I say try to stay with it. Have you read The Love Dare? or Love and Respect? They are 2 great books on marriage and both help you focus on what you can do to "save" your relationship regardless of your husband's response. They show you how to win him over and get what you want by giving him what he wants. There is no doubt marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I think that is only because I have never tried divorce...

The only thing I can suggest to you is to watch the movie Fireproof. It just came out on DVD a couple of weeks ago. There is also a book associated with it called the Love Dare.

This is tough. I don't want to sound like a witch, so please take my opinion for what it's worth... just an opinion. I think you should try to work it out, go to counseling. You guys need to stick together for each other and for your daughter. You guys really need to try to work it out. Marriage is never easy. It's a lot of hard work on both sides.

Please think about counseling. You don't want your daughter to grow up with divorced parents.

**Don't take this opinion if he is abusive in anyway.

Good luck and God Bless.

Hi, R.. Hon, only you can decide if it is right for you to be with him. That will be determined by the reasons why you two split up. This process is NEVER easy. It really can hurt to share your child with an ex, especially if your relationship is in turmoil...especially if there isn't any peace between you and you two haven't worked out the details of how you are going to raise this child separately.

Yes, there are going to be lingering feelings of love for him, even if you are also hurting very badly. Actually, it is better for you AND your daughter if you DON'T hate this man. Imagine what kind of horrible influence you would be on your little girl if you were boiling over with hatred? Right now you are sad, but that can get better with time.

There are no perfect divorces, just as there are no perfect marriages, but with a lot of cooperation, your child doesn't have to suffer the loss of either parent's love and attention. She's going to be confused; there is no way to avoid that. However, with time and enough patient, loving explanation (without anger or other extreme emotion), she will eventually understand that she has two parents who love her no matter what, even though they choose to live apart.

As for starting over...hey, give yourself some time, woman! Again, consider the reasons why you two separated. Have you two gotten any marriage counseling? Are the problems actually solveable? Or would one person have to swallow his or her entire personality in order to get along with the other partner? In my case, I've been separated from my husband for nearly 7 years. We would've been divorced a long time ago, but we haven't been able to scrape together the money for the filing fee! We were bitter enemies for a couple of years, but lately we have forgiven each other and become friends. I love him dearly, even passionately, but I can't live with his infidelities, and he can't live with my monogamy (I'm a one-man-woman, and I want a one-woman-man). Thus, we can't live together, regardless of how well we get along as friends or how much we love each other deep down inside.

Anyway, give yourself some time. Don't rush into any more decisions. See if you can get some help sorting things out from someone who is OBJECTIVE, who isn't for or against either one of you.

I hope that everything works out for the good of each of you, especially your little girl.

Peace,
Syl

Hey R., I hope this email gets to u in a good mood. How r u today? Well i can't say I know how you feel but if its to work out with your husband it will but if not u need to put your atyention on your daughter. I know the economy is hard but have a lunch day with her take her macdonald's i take my daughter who is 18 th month on thursday i walk with her food but she loves the mommy and me time. Thats what u need to have because if things don't work out with u n her dad your going to need her to be honest and open with you and to tell you how she feels

I wish you all the best

R.,

I watched a movie about 2 weeks ago that really helped but my marriage/relationship with my spouse into focus for me. I would REALLY recommend this movie to you - "Fireproof". It's about a husband and wife, their relationship, and going through the process of figuring out whether or not they should stay together. My husband and I are not looking to split up and it still brought focus to each of us so I really feel it would be beneficial to you. It was wonderfully inspiring and moving!

Hi R.,

Couldn't help but respond to this. It sounds like you're feeling really conflicted right now, and that's completely normal. I imagine it's hard to watch your daughter miss her daddy, and may make you feel guilty, but it's wonderful that you're letting her have as normal a relationship as possible with him. In time, hopefully you will be able to view the nights she is with him as good for her AND for you (to take care of yourself for a change), rather than a heart-breaking, lonely night. Going through a situation like yours understandably produces a lot of confusion, ambivalence, guilt and pain (but hopefully also a sense of relief that you removed yourself from an unhealthy relationship). Moving forward is of course important, but you may first need to allow yourself some time to grieve for the lost relationship (no matter how dysfunctional it may have been), and the fact that your life will certainly be different from here on out (possibly better, but still different). Just "being happy" is easier said than done.........I would encourage you to consider some counseling, or even a good friend to talk to about this, and to find some time to take care of you.

Hope this helps,
S.

R., work on your marriage. Marriage is not easy. It will never be easy. Life is not easy. Marriage requires COMMITMENT and work. Too many people today enter into marriage with divorce as an option. I have been divorced twice and I have no regrets - but divorce came after many years of trying. I am living with a man and marriage is not a goal because I have learned that marriage should not be entered into lightly. You need to make the commitment and be willing to work. I do not know if your husband is a good man or not, but I do know that he is a person and probably not too different from the man you were dating. If you had problems prior to marriage, you may have thought that things would change after marriage, after baby. We each deserve to be comfortable in our own skin - you and your husband. Neither should try to change the other. If you succeed at the change, resentment will grow.

Work it out until it can't be worked anymore.
good luck.

Dear R.,
I too have gone through this, my husband came home 1 morning and said he was leaving and he didn't love me anymore and went to work. We had 3 children then 3, 4.5 & 6. We had been married 10 years. He has been gone over 5 years and even though he has made some low down dispicable choices since then I still love him. But I love the man I married, the man he used to be. I still cannot let go of that.

In my case my husband did not even want to see the children (when we all lived in a small town). So I moved back to where the children would be safer, wanted, better educated, and we could make a decent life for ourselves. I could not stay and watch him run around with this low class nasty woman that he left me for. In the first 18 months, he had the kids 1 day and it was pityful.

I HATE how he emotionally abandoned our children but I am not going to let him be a yoyo Dad either - that to me is worse. If my husband had even tried to still be a Dad I would not have moved and deprived our children of a father.

Please try and put your daughter's needs first (before your relationship with hubby), yes kids need a Mom and a Dad but at what price? Unfortunately there is always a price to pay. Try to enjoy your time together, then when she is with her Dad be happy that he is willing to be there. Take that time to do things for YOU, that is such a luxery as most single Moms will tell you.

You can survive this, you will be stronger, there is something even better waiting around the corner if you seek it.

God bless - you are not alone.

M. F

Hi..I have never been in your situation of divorce, but my parents have. I'm pretty positive they stayed together for 25 years for ME and only ME. That is a HARD thing to deal with as a child to know that you are the reason they are/were unhappy. My advice is to do some deep soul searching. Do you love this guy or do you just love him because of your daughter. Don't pretend for 20 years for your daughter because I GUARANTEE it will be harder for her in the long run. If she grows up knowing this type of family dynamic she will not know any different. But if she grows up w/ ya'll together and then all of sudden after she is grown you decided to divorce, she will feel that she never knew who the 2 of you really were. TRUST ME! I feel that way right now. If you love the guy and think it will be FOREVER, then by all means do it. But DON"T do it for your daughter because it will only end up hurting her more in the long run. Hope I helped a little! GOOD LUCK! --K.

You should do what is best for you. Dont let anyone tell you any different. If you feel you can work it out and that is what YOU want then do it. If not move on.The grass is not
greener on the other side believe me it wont be easy. But know in your heart that you tried and you did what was best for you and your child.

Dear R., It sounds to me that it would be dreat for you to go get some books if you like to read or audio if you like to get confortable closed your eyes and have the experience of the subtle growing and strainght of your inner and higher self book after book. It is key what kind of books. sugestions: Celestine prophecy by James Redfield, any book of Brian Weiss, Esther & Jerry Hicks,Eckher tolle(speelling), now if you really want to get exited about what is priority in the planet beside our relation ships, their is big changes for this planet that need our attentiom right now, so there is plenty books on that: Barbara Marciniack, Barbara Hand Clow, Amorah Quant Yin, Sri Ram Kaa and Kira Raa, Saint Germain etc.What I' telling you is that our priority comming to this planet is to your personal growth and upliftment, ones we fullfill our selfs we don't need to have our selves beside us, to love them all. I know is not easy when is our own feet, but oloud your felf for baby steps. start with filling your life with inspirational books and then things fall in place. just have a clear intention of being an exaple of inspiration for your daugther and others. I hop I could distract you a litle. Blessins for you M..

Counseling...have you gone to a session or more?
If there is love still between you, then it's worth it. I stayed in a marriage "for the children" (my ex-husband is a f'aholic...even engaged now to a former girlfriend!!) For whatever reason you two have split, you both have to step up to the plate and own whatever feelings you have for yourselves and for each other. Then, you consider you have a child and mkae her life meaningful. That's when you step in as responsible parents. Anger, hate, jealousy and all the other "sins" just create more negative feelings and reactions. If you can feel some little bit of love, then you can make the whole situation grow out of that space. It will help you.
Wish I knew that then.
Hope this helps. I know the ache of a heart, don't we all? But what a joy you must believe is in that child's eyes and heart! Many Blessings

I'm in the same situation. I truly believe it is better for the child to see both parents happy, even if they are living apart. I grew up with parents who stayed together just for the kids and they were always arguing. If you and your husband can stay friends and move on seperately, that may be best but only you can really know that. I hope everything works out. I really know how you feel :)

Well first How long have you been married? Second, why are you feeling badly when you are with him. Marriage is not easy it is a work in progress always. I have been married for 28 yrs now and we have gone through our ups and downs and we split up for 3 mos when we were married for 7 yrs. And I figured it out in that time that he was my other half and I did need him and very much wanted him. So take time to think and then sit down and talk honestly with your husband and listen to what his feelings are. But remember marriage is give and take on both sides

There is a movie called Fireproof, this has got to be one of the best movies you and your spose could watch.
Good luck