Ladies - Please Help - Need Advice!

It is easier to come from a broken home then to live in a broken home.

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Dear N. H

One question that needs to be answered is, Is your husband as committed to your relationship as you are? Remember: you and your husband's relationship is the example for your kids to follow. If you have boys, do you want them to love their wives in the manner that your husband loves you or do you want their wives to love them in the manner you currently love your husband. If you have girls, do you want their husbands to love them in the manner that you are being loved or do you want them to love their husbands in the manner you love your husband? Kids do not do what you say, they do what you do. Kids do not necessarily need things, they need time and attention. If your husband is as committed to doing what is absolutely best for the kids as you are, then I would suggest counseling, but it should be with someone who is going to be straight with both of you. Both of you will have to work at making the marriage work, but if the work is one sided, then you may learn some things about yourself and tricks to help you make things work, but your marriage may fall apart anyway.

I am married for a second time. I was married to my ex-husband for nearly 12 years, about 7 years too long. My ex cheated on me early on in our marriage. He felt so guilty he had to tell me about it. I decided to forgive him and try to make it work. Unfortunately/fortunately he left me and our five year old son after almost 12 years of marriage. I say unfortunately because I feel by God's design marriage is a lifelong commitment and I really loved my ex, so the divorce was very painful for me. I say fortunately, because I learned after my ex left that he had been making passes at nearly every woman he met and was living with a married woman when he decided to tell me he wanted a divorce, so he was actually doing me a favor. I am now remarried to a wonderful man with whom I now have three small children. I'm not encouraging you to go out and find someone else. If you find that divorce is inevitable, I suggest you go to a divorce care class at a place that also offers divorce care for your kids as well. Divorce is like an emotional car accident and the divorce care classes are like a hospital and rehabilitation center for your emotions. Because you have been married for nine years, it will be natural for you to seek the attention from someone of the opposite sex. Because your emotions would be at such a fragile state, it would not be fair to that other person to have a relationship on a level any greater than friendship.

I feel for you. I know how difficult a decision like this can be. No one wins in a divorce. Keep the lines of communication open with your husband and your kids.

Hope this helps. It's my 2 cents worth. All the best.
D.

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It takes two people to make a marriage work. I went down the counseling road for two years and listened to my ex mouth polite lies and never follow through on his promises.It does not sound like your husband really wants to work on this marriage. That doesn't mean he doesn't love his kids- but it sounds to me like he doesn't want to be married.

I had no money and getting separated and divorced was the best decision I ever made. We had a difficult couple of years, but now my son and I are doing great and I am getting remarried in June to a wonderful man who has a great relationship with my son and is completely responsible.

If the best reason you can find deep in your heart for working on your marriage is based in fear for what will happen to your house, then that says something right there. Your kids may be little now, but as they grow, they are very smart and observant and will see what's going on.

My son was in preschool when we split up and I made a real effort to keep his schedule the same, etc. even though we moved to a small apartment. He came through it really well and still has a regular relationship with his dad. DO NOT put your kids through living in a toxic environment where the parents fight or just can't stand each other. They will know!

The good thing about splitting up when my son was young, was that by the time he was in elementary school ( he is going into 4th grade now) we all had a 'system' We had a schedule of weekends with dad and weekends at home, we could meet at soccer matches, school conferences, etc. and be polite and pleasant to each other. He has remarried and all four of us can be in public to support our son. Having the time to work all that out while he was smaller and get used to it really really helped.

Go see a good family lawyer. Chances are very likely that you would get physical custody (that means the kids live mainly with you) and child support of course.In that case, you would very likely get to stay in the house. But even if you can't- it is just a house. YOU are the mom- make a HOME for your children where ever you are!! Love and support is what matters most.

See a mediator and work out a detailed schedule for when your husband would see them and how it would work. It is all very very hard at first. But in the end, you will be so much happier and stronger if you do what you truly feel is best for you. Your kids will be too. As long as you are positive and loving to them, they will be fine.

I am giving you my experience just because that was happened to me. I would have the same advice whether I was still married or not. I disagree with the poster below that just because I am divorced, I would want other women to be divorced too! You are NOT a failure if your marriage fails!! You were not put here on earth by God just to keep your husband happy no matter how poorly he treats you. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your children. Don't let other people try and guilt you into anything at all!! Best of luck to you!!!

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Things can be replaced.....even a marriage can be rebuilt. You just have to figure out if the good times outweigh the bad. If you can't see yourself ever rebuilding trust with your husband, then you will always have problems. Only you can decide what is best for you and yours. But please don't stay in a marriage for any other reason than the well being of you and your kids. Kids are happy when you are happy and bedrooms and toys don't replace that. good luck

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Trust is one of the main things (I believe) in a marriage. Because your husband seems as if he doesn't have any respect for you, you must have some for yourself and maybe move on. Life is tooo short to be unhappy and soon your children will feel your unhappyness. The children deserve a happy home whether it be in a nice freshly painted bedroom or nice small apartment with bedrooms to share.

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been there done that - get out!

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The best advice I was given would apply to your situation as well. "If you are happy your kids will be happy." I can tell you this as a mother of two having made the decision to leave their father. I tried to make it work but realized it wasn't worth it to make myself unhappy because your children will suffer if their parents are unhappy. I also come from a family where I watched my parents stay married for 14 years never showing any sign of hatred( at least not in front of us) but even as young as I was I could tell they were not happy. When their divorce was final and they both went their seperate ways I could tell right away that they were both "better" people and am glad that they had eventually made their decision and I am glad that I made mine. My children and I both couldn't be happier. This may not be the circumstances for everyone but I could see the change for my life.

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Where do I start? Anyone who has been or is married has gone through tough times, myself included. The easy thing to do is go through with a divorce especially with all of these other divorced women encouraging you to do so. Makes sense, given our culture these days (when the going gets tough, the tough walk away, binge drink/eat, turn to sex etc etc). I don't know where you stand from a religion standpoint but before you contact a lawyer or a counselor you need to first decide how you feel about God and Jesus. If you are a Christian and believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins then your husbands indiscretions are no worse than your own. Before you reach out to anyone else decide where you stand with God and then Pray. Pray for your husband, pray for your marriage, and pray for God's guidance through all of your tough times. Then pray for the ability to forgive. It is a wonderful and very powerful thing to be able to forgive. I can bet, without knowing you or your husband, that neither of you are loving each other the way you need to be loved and so there is a cycle of resentment. He doesn't love you the way you need to be loved so you respond in a manner that shows no love to him (no intimacy,coldness,no respect,no communication). So since he isn't being loved the way he needs to be loved he continues to respond by not returning the love you need in your life. And so on and so on until you are both going through a divorce. I can tell you that you cannot change your husband, he has to do that, but through God's grace, you can change yourself and you can make the decision today to love him. For the next 30 days focus on all the reasons you married this man in the first place. Next, surround yourself with people who are dedicated to seeing your marriage make it (friends, counselors, minister/priest/rabbi)because everytime you reach out to someone who says leave the guy they are reinforcing all the negative things about him in your mind. Finally, put all of your focus into what you can change about you. By all means I am not saying this is your problem but since you cannot change someone else you can only focus on how you can change you.

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You say yopu do not show your hatred of him around your kids.......believe me they can feel it oozing from every pore of your being!

get out now! why endure more time spent in a bad marraige. without him there you can make a "home" filled with love for your kids...instead of acting and playing games....

do you want to teach your kids to lie? no...then why are you considering living one?

Dear N.-

Do you see any chance of reconciling with your husband? If so it might be worth counseling. If not, then your childrens' newly painted bedrooms will not make up for the fact that they are living in a house with parents that cannot stand each other. Children feel and internalize whatever vibes you and your husband are giving out, even if you think that you are putting on a happy face. I am sorry to say, but it sounds like your husband gave up on the marriage long ago. Your children are obviously important, but do you honestly think that they would want you to be living in that kind of environment? You also deserve happiness!! Taking care of yourself is one of the most important thing that you can do as a mother. When it comes down to it, children would rather live in a positive happy environment, than rooms that are well decorated. You wouldn't want your adult children living like that would you? What would you tell them to do if they were in your position? Good luck to you and your children.

If the two of you are not willing to commit to counseling, then you should consider filing.
I am not going to lie to you, it is scary and at times you feel like you are not going to make it. I would not have made it through without the support of my friends and family.

Do not stay because of your house, it really is not a home if you hate him and your kids will figure it out. I stayed for ten long years after I knew it was over because of my kids. They knew it the whole time. Now that we are divorced, they are excited about selling the house and moving on.

Being happy is more than living in a beautiful house. Think really hard about it. Don't turn around in ten years and hate yourself.
Good luck, R

There is a book called Divorce Busters that you might want to check out. It is written by a women who really believes that a marriage can be made to work especially if there are kids involved. Obviously there are exceptions to this. If you and your husband are involved in an organized religion I would try counseling from whatever church you go to. Catholic Charities offers this as I am sure other religions do. How close are you with his side of the family? Can you talk to his parents? There might be something from his growing up that makes him want to potentially stray. Good luck to you.

Dear mom of 2 with a 9 yr marriage to a fellow with problems...YOu leave out some very important information....what is your career ? -education?
YOur first step is to take care of YOU so that you can take care of your kids alone if you must...he has already told you that it is just a matter of time before he jumps into 'greener pastures"...Is it that he is not good enough for these gals to actually want to have an affair with him?...Is he just wishfully thinking or building his ego at your expense?there is a book called "The Love Dare" in which you keep doing the nice little things for your spouse that you wish they'd do for you...If you keep it up, it eventually re-awakens the original love between you two....YOu both should do it but you can do it alone....
there is a movie also of that same name....WAtch it!
Think about all the areas that you would need to improve if you were to be on your own with the kids and start doing them now! They will be great preparation for the eventual divorce, if it comes to that, and even better chance to give him a subtle notice that YOU are getting your act together....just in case....ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! Don't say (threaten ) anything...Just start jogging around the block or dieting, or dressing a little different, or going out one afternoon a week with the gals or going back to school even if it is just for one class at a junior college...men are very insecure people and he will start paying attention if he thinks he might lose what he has...YOU! Start enjoying your own life and do not wait for him to make your life a joy...Bring your enthusiasm into the relationship and start pretending that he is the fellow that you eventually really want...Bring him coffee or write a note of appreciation in his lunch or on his computer...Do not expect anything back...just do it...and PRAY for guidance to make the right decision eventually...At least if you do need to leave later, you'll be all set to enter the single world with $$$ stashed and earning power and your personal makeover already done...men can easily feel a shift in your thinking and he WILL take interest in YOU and your marriage when he thinks he's losing it...if he doesn't you'll be way ahead of the game by doing all before the upheval....(This might be a good time to ask around for referrals for babysitters, divorce lawyers and divorcing terms that have worked...Find out your rights...If he has a pension, you are entitiled to half...Perhaps, if the house is your priority , you can trade pension for his half od the house...OH, you must be married more than TEN years to get half of his social security benefits at 65. Hs is probably more than you can earn after the divorce so hang in there for at least 2 years, by then the economy may have improved and then you will at least have rights to his social security...Child support is based on his income with a percentage for each kid...How would you feel if he goes on with his life and has a new gal-friend or wife and you do not? How will you feel about your kids going to his house after the divorce with a new gal there and maybe 2 incomes and lots of nice things etc.?
Maybe if you were working he would be a better husband to you and consider it a partnership of equals...
Since you do not fight in front of the kids, it seems to be just a boredom issue...How would you do out there with the competition from other women? Could you get another good guy as a father figure for your children and a provider for the family?
I divorced almost 30 years ago and raised my 3 little kids alone but I had a teaching degree, masters, and a job to go back to after an extended maternity leave...It was rough and lonely and overwhelming at times since i had to be both mother and father to the family...he was mentally ill and an alcoholic. he took them for visitation but there was often trauma involved and lots of crying when they returned after a weekend...It tore my heart out but was better than trying to live with him full time...
I tried to date but also needed to be there for my children...Eventually I went to night school and worked extra to earn enough to provide for them....it took a big toll on my youngest and she does not even have it all together today at 31...
What do you hate about your husband?
It is not easy to live in an imperfect situation but most of my friends have settled in their 2nd, 3rd or forth marriages for a fellow who provides and is there for them even if he isn't the most romantic or sexy...They learn to love a fellow who is kind and good to them...
FRankly, since I have my own good source of income,I am rather independent about dating...and find that most men are not worth all the work of doing laundry and cooking and cleaning for...But I wish I had a sex life and partner to do things with....Yes, there are lots of guys out there for SEX but I would need a fellow I can trust to be one-on-one and that is nearly impossible at this day and age...Think carefully my dear....Divorce is easy to get but harder than a marriage to deal with in the long run...
I wish you strength and resilience to see things thru, Been there!

First, I'd suggest interviewing some lawyers...perhaps women lawyers, to see what the financial implications would be. If you are in the Wheaton/Glen Ellyn area, I can suggest one. I wouldn't do anything until you know what the ramifications would be for you and the children. Good Luck!

When I was a kid I had a friend who wished his parents would finally get divorced. They were waiting until the kids were all in college. I can't imagine they ever actually said that to the kids but they all knew it. They were ALL miserable. Everyone wanted to be out of that house. Kids know what's going on.

One last thing that might help... watch the movie Fireproof with your husband.
C.

Hello N. H You say that you don't trust him anymore so there is no marriage. You are worried about the children loosing things that can be replaced possibly. You may not have to leave the house but that is something you will have to discuss with a lawyer. You say that you don't show your hatred for their father in front of the kids but they probably know that something is wrong. You didn't put their ages or their gender so it is hard to say. Counseling has already told you that he is not going to change so unless you care to live the rest of your life with a man that you hate you already know what comes next. Children need to be raised by parents that are happy and sometimes that means that they live in different homes. If you have a son do you want him to learn that once you marry a woman you can do what ever you want and she will stay no matter what. If you have a daughter you are showing her that shw must stay with a man even when you don't trust or love him for the sake of the children because financially you can't make it on your own. I don't know if you work but you many need to find a job so that you can begin to take care of yourself financially. I realize that may be hard in this economy and with so many people already out of work but you have got to start thinking of how this will infect you and your children later on down the road. They will see the hatred in your eyes and the fact that mom and dad don't even hug or talk to one another. Children need to see healthy parents both mentally as well as physically. It is really hard to hide hate from anyone especially children.

We tend to focus all of our efforts on our children. Our husbands sometimes feel that they are no longer a part of your family. Your husband may be reacting to the hate you feel towards him. His feelings need to be addressed as well as yours. He may feel that he is no longer a priority in your life and you don't care about him. Don't bury yourself in your children too much and save some for him. You married him for a reason and then had children, You were friends and a couple before you got married. You had "something" going before and now just need to find that again, except now you have children and are a family. I would suggest counseling for both of you. If he won't go, invite him politely but then go yourself. I would look at it as a way to make myself feel better in order to be able to handle whatever the future brings.

If you can say you love your husband in your heart try counseling. If you can say you no longer love him your kids feel it and need a better example of how to live a happy life. Financials should never be the reason to stay or not to stay with someone. You don't say what your education level is, but it is never too late to return to school and get an education. If you are divorced your income level will be such that you will possibly qualify for student grants and financial aid, alot of 2 year schools have a childcare major and due to this have a very discounted daycare center. It is time for you to make yourself happy\so that your kids can see they too deserve a happy, loving, satisfying life.

Would your kids rather say they grew up in a broken home or they came from a broken home?

You have two children - do you want them to grow up and be in relationships like this or do you want them to be in loving and nurturing relationships? Is the marriage you have the type of marriage you want your children to have one day?

Search your heart to find the answers to these questions and you'll find your answer.

Just my opinion (I've never been divorced) -- always try counseling. It might take a few counselors before you find one that really fits. Make sure your husband knows that this is the last chance. If nothing changes, then it's divorce. Be prepared for divorce. Make appts with divorce attorneys now (even if you are going to counseling). Usually a consultation is free. Document anything and everything about your husband's emotional affairs (if there are emails or anything like that). This is to protect yourself. I know nothing about custody fights, but make sure you are prepared for that. And surround yourself with a good support system -- friends and family who will be there for you and help you through. Good luck!

Hi N., walk away. There are so many women who stay with the man for the sake of the kids. Well guess what, they will always be his kids. Start doing what you need to do to take care of you and your children. He will have to pay child support and you might be able to stay in your home. He might have to help pay the mortgage. If not, you can always finds something new for you and the kids. It can be done. The judge will look at the fact that you do have 2 children. Don't stay with him if you are no longer attracted to him. He has cheated twice and will continue to do so until he does find that one that will sleep with him: it is just a matter of time. Talk to the kids and let them know that mommie and daddy loves them very much but mommie and daddy just can't live together anymore. Children have more sense than we give them. Get yourself off of the emotional roller coaster that you are on, and put your life in order for you and your children. Believe me, you will be alright. God never gives you more than you can handle.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Perhaps it is not couples counseling that you need. Your husband needs help searching inside of himself to find our what's going on to cause him to do this. a counselor for you to go to individually might help too. A couples counselor can't help if there are issues within yourselves that need to be dealt with. My husband and I each go to a counselor (not the same one) and it has helped us communicate much better. If your husband isn't willing to go to a counselor on his own than go anyway. It sounds like you need someone who can help you sort all of this out without taking sides.

I'm not sure where you live but my I suggest Smart Love Family Services? It's where I go and in fact my daughter goes there too. She's been going since her father, not my husband, and I split up 7 years ago. She likes it a lot. Good luck.

I think this is really sad, but I have a feeling that you already know the answer. It is not a matter of what is convenient anymore, it is about how much do you take. An emotional affair is equally bad as a physical affair. I hate to say it, but where do you draw the line? Also, what do you think you teach your children by tollerating this? I think that in todays society, it is very important to learn to be patient, forgiving and learn the true meaning of give & take. But, I also am a firm believer of not being miserable. Be happy and dont stay in a relationship that is not salvagable. If he loves you and if there is an ounce of love & mutual respect, you will both meet in the middle. I think that you really need to think about this. how does he feel?? Does he feel that getting a seperation is good?? Let me tell you, I struggle as a single mother. I have a 3 &4 year old in school & my life is really hard, both financially & emotionally. If my exhusband were paying child support, life would be better, but for now, my kids depend on me. I am glad that we divorced because I too was miserable.. he was very emotionally abusive & I knew that I had to break the pattern that my mother, grandmother & likely great grand mother experinced of abusive men.. I had to do it for myself and most importantly for my little girl. I wish you the best & hopes this help, if at all. All opinions are good. Take the good & ignor the bad. We as women know in our hearts what is best, however, our challenges are following it... God bless you!

Kids are much more perceptive than we sometimes give them credit for! You say you don't show your hatred for your husband in front of the kids, but not talking and not looking at him will get noticed. Even small children can pick up on your emotions towards each other.
The kids may end up losing their rooms and stuff, but it is really just stuff.
I agree with the other ladies that you should seek counseling on your own to sort out your on feelings. Then, when and if you're ready, seek couple counseling again.

Here's what I think. Your children are picking up on the emotional detachment and will probably treat their significant others likewise if it does not get better. Do you work? If you can afford to live without him, I say do it. He told you point blank he would've cheated on you. Twice! Maybe he wants out too but is not enough of a man to do it right. Good luck to you. I hope you figure something out soon. It is not fun to feel the way you do. I know. You can always decorate the kids rooms in your new home!♥

I'm going to put myself in your shoes and tell you what I would do. I would divorce the jerk. He obviously doesn't respect you, your relationship or your children very much. Kids get over divorce, my parents got divorced when I was 5 and while it was hard at first, I got over it. If my husband did that, I'd kick his butt out of the house as soon as he finished telling me about it.

Just my 2 cents, but do you really want to stay in a relationship with someone who you hate only because you're worried about money?