Mother in Need of Advice

Hey S.,

I just want to write to support you to do what you think is best for you and for your son. My parents stayed together "for the kid," and I can't tell you how many times as a child I encouraged them to divorce because I couldn't stand to see their unhappiness and feel that I was the cause of it. Remember, they stayed together for MY sake. Divorce is a serious decision, and I'm certainly not going to second guess your desire to leave a loveless marriage. I'm sure you've thought about it a lot, and I wish you all the best as you move forward in whatever direction YOU deem best for you and your son. Take care of yourself.

A.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi S., I'm sorry you are going thru this, I went thru the same. My advice to you is this...guard your money starting right this second...my ex wiped out one of our accounts and then lied to me about it. Also...DO NOT feel sorry for him when it comes to paying child support...your son deserves to be taken care of by BOTH parents. I fell for the "poor me" sob story my ex gave me and then had to take him to court to MAKE him pay child support and even to SEE his kids. Makes me sick. Anyway, now he consistantly sees them every other weekend, child support automatically comes out of his check, and we are civil with each other when it comes to the kids. My other advice to you is if you are a SAHM, not sure if you have any credit or not, but try to get some credit cards in your name while you still have good credit and if you don't already have a checking/savings account in your name...get one IMMEDIATELY and start putting money in it. I lost my home in the divorce as a short sale, struggled to make credit card payments, etc and it really hit my credit score hard. So those are just a few things I learned going thru my divorce that no one else has mentioned. I want to mention too that I did not take divorce lightly, it was only after much trying on my part (and none on his) that I realized he didn't want to be married anymore (he had girlfriends and was addicted to computer websites and playstation games) so I made the decision to end the marriage. Our kids were older and it's hard on them. Also hard on other family members, his parents did NOT see it coming AT ALL. So be ready for all that. If you ever need someone to talk to, just let me know. It always helps to have a friend who has been there and completely understands. I have to mention now that I'm engaged to someone wonderful, who loves my kids and they love him and is everything my ex is not. So there is light at the end of the tunnel. Be strong...I wish you the very best. My cell is ###-###-#### if you ever need to talk...F.

2 moms found this helpful

I am a mother of 2 wonderful kids they are all grown up now. My advise to you is don't stay in a loveless marriage only for the childs sake. that is what i did. my husband brought me to new mexico from another state where all my family was and still is. my son was a year and a half when we moved down here and my daughter was born a year later. The marriage was on the rocks from the begining but we were together for 2 years before getting married he totally changed after we got married. being down here with two children i felt i couldn't do anything else but stay with him so i did until my son had graduated and my daughter was 16. when they found out we were getting divorced the first thing they said to me was why did you stay with dad so long you were never happy. So my answer to you is if you are not happy get out now life is to short to live it unhappily and it doesn't make for a good life for a child if you are not happy. sorry to go through details but am trying to help you understand why i say don't stay in a marriage you are not happy in.

2 moms found this helpful

I would say first, find a lawyer that will meet with you for a free consult so that you can ask the questions you have.
Make a list of what you want out of the divorce - full custody, to move out of state, child support, etc. & then talk to a lawyer.
Get everything straight in your head first & then it will be easier.
Divorce is never easy, but it's even harder when children are involved.
Kids know when thier parents aren't happy though & they feel it.
Staying married "for the kids" is never a good thing.
It's much better for them, that they have happy parents than married parents.
With Love,
R.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi S.!

Sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble in your marriage. Before you give up on it, have you been to professional counseling? When you say you are trying to make it work, what does that mean? It would certainly be best for your son if his family was intact, but you can't stay with someone just for the sake of the child. Maybe you can reconnect with your husband through professional intervention, but you have to be truly committed for it to work (your husband, too). You don't mention if he wants you to leave or stay or maybe he is also confused about what he wants. I went through a long and bitter divorce from my son's father, so I am not trying to just convince you to stay in the marriage no matter what. I just don't want you to give up before you have really done everything you can to keep your family intact. As much as I knew I needed to get away from my ex, who was emotionally abusive and uncommitted to our son, it was still very painful for our family to shatter even though I had good support of family and friends. This may be a very trying time, but there is still hope for your family to work towards loving each other and creating something wonderful if you both desire it.

-Jen

1 mom found this helpful

S.,
You don't say what is "terrible" about your marriage or what you've done to try to work things out, but I'll tell you, the actual process of getting divorced is very easy but the effect it has on your children lasts a lifetime. If your husband is abusive in any way, GET OUT NOW. Short of that, I would suggest that you talk to him about immediately starting marriage counseling that is biblically based. Be honest with yourself about your reasons for wanting to be divorced and I would suggest you watch the movie Fireproof together. I have been divorced and my children are now 20 and 15 and I can tell you, it is the worst thing I have done to them. I don't personally know what it's like to have divorced parents because mine are still married but I do see how difficult it is for my kids to have to split their loyalties.
I think we have all learned to give up way to easily.

1 mom found this helpful

I can't recommend an attorney, however I would highly recommend you consider attending one of those reputable Divorce Recovery programs. Scottsdale Bible Church on Shea, between Scottsdale and Hayden has a good one and seems to be in your area.

You do not need to be divorced to attend. It's better to attend BEFORE you divorce. They provide tons of useful information regarding children, finances, provide childcare and counseling,etc. Please consider it for you own emotional stability and the future health of your son and relationship with X.

I went through a divorce in Texas about 20 years ago. We used a court appointed mediator which was required by law at that time. It saved us tons of attorney fees as the mediator told us exactly what to expect in terms of child support payment amounts, visitation out of state, etc. We were able to maintain an amicable front for the best interest of our daughter. Because, we, like you and yours, also only knew each other 8 weeks before tying the knot.
Best of decision making.
J. rho

1 mom found this helpful

I divorced my first husband with no lawyers involved. The first thing to do is talk to your husband. Let him know that you want your son to see him and also let him know that you want to live out of state.( my ex is in the military and is in Washington state.) Come to an agreement(if you can) about holidays...school breaks and summer vacation. We have joint custody but since he is out of state I basically have sole custody. I get child support. We came to an agreement on the holidays and school breaks and summer before we went to court. (we wrote out an agreement signed and witnessed, so there could be no objection on anyone's part.) We also came to an agreement on health care and major decisions regarding our son. Also when my son leaves the state for more than a week we have a written or verbal(with witness) saying when he will be back. (we have been kind of lax on that, we have some trust)We had all that written in the divorce papers. Go on the internet and look up the clerk of the court. it will give you all the info you need for filing and stuff. But first talk to your husband so he is not surprised when he gets served. (and to try and make it as painless as possible, its easier on everyone ...especially the child...if there is an agreement before you start the process)

1 mom found this helpful

I went through something similar and 11 months later am still not divorced. I could tell you a lot about my experience, but I suggest you talk to an attorney. I live in Las Cruces, NM and they have pro se clinics that you can go to. They have attorney's who volunteer to answer questions for people who are currently representing themselves. If you haven't gotten an attorney yet, this is you. I hope this helps. Good luck, and if you need any other support or advice, feel free to contact me.

1 mom found this helpful

Watch the movie "Fireproof" before you make any drastic decisions that will affect your son's life forever. There is a book that goes along with the movie. Try it before you file. Isn't it worth a shot for your son sake?

This is such a mixed bag. You need to be 100% sure before a divorce. No "what if's". What if I did this, what if he did that. I raised my boys as a single mom for many years, and it is hard, but we were happy and very close. It can be done successfully if you are determined that you and your son are number one in your life and you two deserve to be happy.

So if you are certain that this is where you are, and what you need to do, make sure you're skills are up to date so you are able to get a job and financially support yourself and your son. Also make sure you have some credit in your name so you are able to get a lease or whatever you need. Most divorces ruin your credit as well as the ex spouse, try to work together to keep your credit in tact.

You may want to speak to an attorney prior to your husband so you know what you are legally allowed to do and not allowed to do. I have a friend who had custody of his kids and was told by a judge he was not allowed to move more than 30 miles. Of course laws change rapidly and good legal advice is important.

Good luck no matter what you choose to do. This is a tough decision to make.

The best petson to advise you is an attorney who specializesin family law. He is the one who knows the laws in your state and how best to handle the details for you. If you need financial help, call the local Bar Association. Usually there are several avenues to help people. Good luck! Incidentally, the laws are much more protective now; years ago I ended up with nothing because my husband disappeared and changed his name. That doesn't happen now.

Hi S.!

Sorry your going through this. Divorce sucks. I know, went through one when my son was just about 1 1/2 years old. I dont know the laws now, but when I went through my divorce, I had custody of my son and my husband had visitation rights. So I was able to move with no problem. But I had to tell my husband where we were going. ( such as address, phone number, etc.) Also anytime I moved I had to make sure he knew where I was moving too. His visitation rights gave him 2 weeks of every year and different holidays. He had to come and pick my son up and then bring him back. My ex husband hated that part, because it cost him double, everytime. Oh yeah, make sure you get a lawyer, dont do this on your own. Your husband might say things like we dont need a lawyer we can work this out together, but dont listen to him. This is too serious and things and feelings change while going through a divorce. Your lawyer is always on your side. Your husband wont be. He is out to do whats best for him, not you. So please, dont be silly, get a lawyer, for you and yours sons sake.Also dont be understanding about child support, make sure you get what you need to support your son. Believe me, I learned the hard way. I tried to be nice and understanding and was given a higher amount, but turned it down and took less, because I felt sorry for my husband. But after the divorce was final, boy was it a rude awakening. Well I hope this helps a little. Good Luck! Just remember it takes time but you'll be happy again! If you want to email me and talk a little more I dont mind. ____@____.com

D.