Not in Love with My Husband

This always shocks people, but it is true.
The only advise my mother gave me when I married over 30 years ago was, "If it isn't right, get out right away."
It did work out......
I was the last of my high school set, college friends, and parent's friends children to marry for the first time.
You could divorce and become friends with you husband.
Good luck,
B. v. O.

Get some counceling, you loved him enough to marry him. Sorry, but in todays society people give up to quickly on marriages. You made a commitement and to give up without counceling or at least letting him know. Does he even know you are feeling this way? Talk to him about how you are feeling. Good luck with that.

My husband and I are going through the same issues. I had made the post similar in some aspects but not entirely the same. We got a lot of responses to watch the movie Fireproof and Do the book " The Love Dare". You might wanna try that before you really decide to call it quits. In which you can say "I really tried but...." Give it a try.

Husband is on Day 5 and so far going quite well. The book is Day by Day, so each day it adds on to what you have learned the day before. Really great book.

Hi, L.,

Your post caught my eye because, at first glance, I thought that I wrote it! I am 43, have been with my husband for five years and have two children, ages 2 and 1. I married my husband because my husband and I wanted to have kids and we were almost 40 when we met, my father liked my prospective husband, and I thought that I had the same incurable STD that my husband had and thus should marry someone who had the same STD I (thought I) had. (Last month, I found out that 21 years ago, a nurse MISDIAGNOSED me with an STD I did not have!) I feel your pain!!!

Let's talk about myths about love and marriage for a moment. (I am not an expert on either, but I do come from a family of psychotherapists (PhD and Masters levels), am a graduate psychology student, have been in psychotherapy trying to figure out how to fix my marriage for a year and a half with three different therapists, and am a wife and mother.)

Myth #1: In the U.S. since the 20th century, people have married for love.
Contrary to popular belief, not all couples, even those in the U.S. in the 21st century, married as a consequence of attraction, or "being in love." Some people, esp. those who have never married or those who married for love don't even consider the possibility that others might not marry for love. People marry for a huge variety of reasons, some conscious, some unconscious.

Myth #2: All couples fall out of love.
Not all couples fall out of love. I know couples who have been married for 50 years who "felt butterflies in their stomach" when they met and now! I loved and was wildly attracted to my first boyfriend for many years and still feel attracted to him, even though he hurt me and I am married to a man that is a good father, who doesn't beat me or cheat on me, as far as I know.

Myth #3: Communication is the key to successful marriages. Not necessarily.
Sometimes partners just plain don't agree on important issues. All the communication in the world is NOT going to solve the couple's problems! Thus, communication alone, might not help one fall in love. See John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Myth #4: Spending more time alone with one's spouse will make the marriage a success.
Perhaps it will if, at one time, you were attracted to your spouse and you can resolve your differences. I can tell you from experience that spending more time alone with one's spouse will not always make the marriage a success! I've tried date night. It feels less intimate than some business meetings I've attended!

Myth #5: Any type of therapy will help make your marriage better.
Some therapy in some situations might help improve some couples' marriages. However, my husband and I, together and individually, have experienced some therapy so bad that we plan to contact the therapists' licensing board to inform them of unethical behavior on the part of the therapist. Also, a lot of well-meaning therapists, counselors, and religious advisers do not have a clear idea of how to help people understand, repair and maintain their relationships. Even great therapy, like the therapy I am receiving now, might not help convince a person to stay in his or her marriage. After a year and a half of therapy and several thousands of dollars, I am ready to throw in the towel. Some people say that getting counseling is cheaper than getting divorced. That may not be true if, after getting lots of expensive counseling, mine costs $150/hour, you end up getting divorced any way.

Myth #6: Kids are always better off if their parents stay married.
Some kids might be better off if their parents stay married, but I've read lots of posts on various boards of people who say that they wish their parents had left their loveless marriages and not stayed together for the kids. My kids and I see my husband only half the year because my husband is a touring musician/roadie who has no intention of getting off the road in the next twenty or so years. If I got divorced and then remarried, my kids might have a stepfather around the whole year. And I don't agree with people, including Dr. Laura?, who say that all men who are willing to marry women with children are child molesters and therefore single mothers, in doing right by their children, must stay single until their kids reach the age of majority! As a researcher, I say, "Show me the scientifically sound evidence." Some people I've known have thought their stepfathers were wonderful. The notion that it is OK for fathers to remarry whenever they wish but not for mothers who find themselves single through divorce or death of their spouses until their kids are grown, almost 20 years in some cases, to remarry and still be considered good parents seems sexist and archaic to me.

Myth #7: Assuming that neither partner is abusing or cheating on the other, a couple is always better off staying together.
My parents-in-law, parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and the vast majority of my relatives stayed married to their only partners for many decades, until they died. Some of these couples did not/do not have happy marriages. Some people actually have BETTER relationships with their partners after divorcing their partners. I have a strong feeling that, if we got divorce, my husband and I might become fairly good friends who happened to have been married to each other and have two kids in common. My husband might find the love of his life; I might find mine. Even if I didn't, I might be happier in that I would not feel compelled to have sex with someone I was not interested in. (I don't lack interest in sex because I have hormone problems, because I was abused as a child--I wasn't, or because I'm busy raising two babies and studying.) That situation would be an improvement on the current situation in some ways.

I agree with several respondents, but I don't completely agree with those that say your life is not about you once you get married. Once you get married, your life is "about" your partner, your kids (if you have any), your in-laws, and your relationships with your partner, your kids, and your in-laws, but that does not mean that "you" don't matter any more!

Give yourself a pat on the back for trying for seven years! A few people on this board love to bash brave people who, often in anguish, reveal their true, uncomfortable feelings in a post on this board. I'm sorry that they say people like you are selfish or say, "Grow up." How insulting! It's obvious to me that you care about others, including your husband, to at least some degree. People who were in love with their spouses when they married don't know how hard it is to live with a person one has never been in love with. I agree that love can be defined as an action, but without the feeling component, loving can be a constant, fairly unrewarding struggle (duty).

I don't know you or your husband, so I cannot advise you on whether to stay married or not. I am not "anti-marriage," but neither am I a proponent of marriage at all cost. I would advise three things:

(1) Try to find peaceful ways to settle the differences between you and your husband. This effort will serve your family well whether or not you stay with your husband.

(2) Read Andrew Marshall's book, "I Love You, but I'm not in Love with You." I only recommend psychology (relationship) books from authors who base what they say on sound research. Many of the authors who write pop psychology books on relationships do not have psychology degrees, do not have a psychotherapy practice and do not conduct their own research or read research articles on the topics on which they claim to be experts! They make unsupported claims that are ridiculous or too general to be helpful because most readers want a "dumbed down, quick fix" and don't insist that authors or speakers support their claims with solid research.

(3) Set a limit on how much time and money you will spend trying to save your marriage. I have resolved to try to optimize my marriage for the next two years. If I still feel the way I do now, I will revisit the issue of divorce. If I get divorced, I will neither blame my husband nor beat myself up.

I hope that things turn out optimally for your family.

Good luck,
Lynne E

I hope this doesn't come off sounding judgemental... but it is the truth: No matter where you go, there you are. I promise you that your problem will not be solved by leaving your husband. You may find someone who you "feel" in love with for a while but eventually you will find yourself right back in this situation. Marriage takes work that doesn't end with the party and celebration of a wedding. That is just the beginning. That being said you do not have to resign yourself to this misery.

First, you should go to therapy, preferably with someone who will support the idea of keeping your marriage intact. Find out why you aren't satisfied - as by your own words this issue is clearly within you, and not your husband's fault.

Then, I would ask hubby to go with you to therapy. The two of you together need to learn ways to communicate effectively.

Finally, get back to basics. Honestly and intentionally look back to the times you did FEEL in love with him. Think of what it was you were doing at that time to cultivate your relationship. What were you doing together. What was it about him that used to give you that spark? Get back to those things.

The last thing I would say is that society has lied to us. You are buying into the lie. Love is NOT a feeling, though it can sometimes be a feeling too... Love is a decision we make. It is a commitment to a lifelong pursuit to build another up without focusing on our own needs. I bet if you stopped being so worried about how you feel and started being intentional in your gratitude toward the man who, by your own statement, is an amazing father and provider, you would find yourself falling in love with him all over again.

Ask any couple who has been married 50 years how they made it and I guarantee none of them will say it is because the had butterflies and warm fuzzies every day of their marriage. I bet the vast majority would say they struggled through very tough times, and yet they made a choice to love even when it was the hardest choice they could ever make.

Good luck, I truly hope you find what you're looking for!

Our pastor said another reason a relationship w/ God is so important is that we can't expect our spouse to meet needs that only God can meet. No one you meet can fully satisfy you - only God can and when we have that close relationship w/ God, we're not "sucking" our spouse dry to meet our needs and we're a complete person. And marriages that last the distance develop a very strong love. I think what you're feeling is normal. I strongly encourage you to go the distance. I need to "work" a street fair in less than an hour and I haven't gotten ready yet, but wanted to share this. All the very best to you.

Dear L.,
Three things I want to say:
1. Marriage is a commitment for life and it is very important for you child that you remain married. Every marriage goes through times when you are not feeling "in love" with the spouse. A commitment is different. It does not matter how you feel. Dr. Laura would tell you that. You really need to call her and talk with her or at least read her book on The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. She addresses this issue.

2. The second is that it might be helpful for you to rent FIREPROOF video and watch it. There are copies of the things you do for your spouse available. Often doing things for others can foster a feeling of at least commitment and compatibility.

3. I will be praying for you...as Dr. Laura would say...that you will do the right thing and that your love and commitment to the marriage will grow.

I have certainly felt the way that you do, and I divorced my first husband, when we were married 7 years. It was the worst mistake of my life. It affected our daughter more than I would ever like to believe, even though there was no fighting or anything like that. She was robbed of the kind of life that God intended her to have, and that her father and I phromised we would have when we married. That was 30 years ago.
I remarried and we celebrated our 28th anniversary in Dec. There have been many times during our marriage that I have not been in love with my husband, and I'm sure he with me. But love is an action word, not an emotion. I believe God when He says that we are to love our spouses, through our actions. I found all the faults my husband has, and maybe some he doesn't have, it was easy, a lot easier than looking at my own. When I started looking for his good qualities and praying that God would help me to see my husband through His eyes, my heart and attitude changed. I acted loving to my husband, and the feelings followed. He couldn't make me happy, only I could. I chose to love him. For the sake of your dear child, please love your husband. It is the best gift you can give your child. There is no better reason to stay together than for the sake of a child, and I phromise that God will reward you and that if you see your husband through God's eyes, your feelings will return. Ask God to help you to forgive him for whatever he does to annoy you, and focus on his good qualities and compliment him on them. I would like to recomend a book by Evelyn Christianson called "Lord, change me"
God bless you, I'll pray for you and your family,
V.

I am so glad you are carefully thinking about this decision. I would advise you to start by looking in the mirror. You are the one who "settled", you are the one who had a child while knowing you were not crazy in love with the father, you are the one telling yourself over and over again that you don't like this man.

I wonder what is going on inside of you and if you leave won't you just re-create this situation if you haven't changed at all.
I was much like you except we seperated for a year. Guess what - I found out that even with him not there I was still me - with all my problems.
I have many friends who have changed partners and it mostly just gives you different and usually more complicated problems.
Stop trying to fall in love and start behaving decently. This is a good man who loves his family. Apppeciate that and try to be friends.
Start treating him like you would a treasured guest in your house. Then do some serious work on you and your life. You are right - your daughter deserves that you make an effort.
Teach her to be a lady who is gracious and kind and yet strong enough to solve her inner demons. good luck.

I understand what you're saying. Been there, done that.
After several year's and $$$$ in personal development, here's what I learned. And, it didn't come from any "marriage counselor" either...don't even get me started on them...(WE HAD FOUR WHO ALL TOLD ME TO RUN, NOT WALK when we said 'divorce was not an option'.)

Look for something that your husband is doing RIGHT. Today.
I don't care if its how he parks the car in the driveway. Compliment something that he DOES. Men are "productivity-wired". Smile when you say it, use a soft, but serious tone in your voice, and make eye contact.

Every night, tell him "3 things I love about you". I do not care if you have to make up something. "I love your blue eyes." I love how you smell when you come home after work -- you smell like you worked HARD!" "I love how you look SO LOVINGLY at our daughter."
Seriously. Try these for a month. I know it sounds like such BS, but he won't know what you're up to.

It takes 21 days to change or start a habit.

And, here's the interesting thing that WILL happen:
YOU'RE perspective will change. You'll start LOOKING for the good. Buy this book, "The Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude," by Sarah Ban Breathnach. A long time ago, it was recommended by Oprah, if that says anything. It addresses the concept of changing your perspective toward a glass half full way of training your MIND.

Here's another thing that will happen: He will begin to DO MORE OF WHAT YOU ARE COMPLIMENTING. So, if you say as one of your "3 things I love about you" things: "I love the way you LOOK LIKE YOU REALLY APPRECIATE ME while we're having dinner." Its a simple method of suggestion and reinforcing behavior you WANT. Ignore bad behavior, REWARD good behavior. Sound familiar? Simple child psychology. Try it with your 3 year old!

I know what it feels like to resent and feel irritated by your husband. And, I'm reaaaaaaly straining here to keep this as politically correct as possible...

Here's the best tips of what I've learned:

The grass ain't so green on the other side. Work with what you've got.

GET tools to put in toolbox. I highly recommend another book called, "The Dance of Anger". Maaaaany good tools/ideas and examples in that one. OMG.

Be the one who is smarter than a toolbox.

You CAN get more of what you want if YOU are the one doing the shaping and molding of behavior! If you're expecting men to just know how to do stuff, like function well and effectively in a marriage, well, don't hold your breath.

Remember, its a journey, not a destination.

Don't give up.

Surround yourself with couples with GOOD marriages. ORCHESTRATE opportunities for your family to be around other families who have GOOD HUSBAND ROLE MODELS, and keep doing it. Associate with winners!

DO NOT point out what you're doing to your husband, by the way. A tactic KNOWN is a tactic BLOWN. Just wear a knowing smile. Never tell, just keep doing it.

Yes, I do mentoring and coaching for a living...
And, yes, do I sure as heck wish I'd had some of the tools in my toolbox THEN, when I had a difficult husband, that I do NOW.

Start today.

C. ____@____.com

Hi L.:
First,let me say,your request,tells me,that you are a young woman with A tender caring heart.Your concerns for your partners happiness,shows Your genuine concern,and regrets regarding your true feelings.It sounds as though,you married this man 7 years ago,not sure if you were in love with him or not.As young women,sometimes,we let the fantasy of living our ideal dream,get the better of us.From the time we're little girls, we fantasize about marrying A handsome prince,and having beautiful children of our own.Sometimes,we marry out of haste.We may have family pressuring us,to grow up,move on,produce Grandchildren.We make mistakes,we learn from them,and yes,sadly hearts will break and life will go on. That's what life is all about.No book you read,instructing you on how to be an obedient,servant wife,is going to change the way you feel about your man.No amount of counseling is going to change the way your heart feels,when your near him.You don't complain of indifference,or his lack of being a good husband.Some of those who lack any self esteem, believe you should consider yourself fortunate if he doesn't beat you!! Please... You simply feel sad,and lost,because you have tried to feel Love for him and you simply do not.You need to sit and think about who you are,and what you want out of life. We have but one go around in this life. If you don't create happiness for yourself,you have only yourself to blame. There are those here that believe that Women were put on this Earth merely to make sacrifices.I believe we ALL were put on this earth,to live the happiness, most productive lives possible.The belief that No matter how miserable or unfulfilled,your existence, that you must stay for the sake of the children,is living the life of a martyr. If your children see you miserable,or unhappy in your life,they will feel the same.Your child will be wonderful,as long as she knows she is loved. She has her entire life ahead of her. Your correct.You and your husband both are deserving of a happy,loving,fulfilling life. I wish you the best. J. M.

Run, don't walk, to the nearest therapist. You have a lot of complicated feelings going on right now. It can be confusing and overwhelming to try and sort everything out all by yourself. The seven year mark is one of the most common times for a marriage to break up. They don't call it "the 7 year itch" for nothing.

Please don't break up your family until you have given therapy an honest try. If you and your husband can commit to just six months of sessions, you will be shocked and amazed at how much you are able to sort through and reconnect on. You both signed on for the hardest job in the world - creating and maintaining a family.

Sorry if this turns out to be a long response, but I want to share with you a poem I took from my grandmother's house after she passed away. She had 13 children and was married for 60 years. It's called DON'T QUIT:

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow-
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far.
So stick to the the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seems worst that you must not quit.

Best of luck to you and your family.

Oh, honey, I feel for you, I truly do. I see you've gotten so many responses, but I'll throw my brief one in there, too. I know soooo many people who are divorced and it is their greatest regret. They truly wished that they had done more to save their marriage. NO marriage or person is perfect, not by a longshot. Your and your daughter's lives will be so much more difficult, so much sadder, should you break up your family. You say you have a wonderful man who is also a wonderful father. Truly, that is top on the list of any woman! Love MUST be worked on. We have such a fairytale concept of "love" in the West. No marriage can live up to it. I have no other advice other than this: consider what you HAVE carefully. Best of luck to you.

How "in love" you are with your husband is a choice. You REALLY can quit looking at those things that you resent him for and focus on the things that you DO appreciate and enjoy about him. Go on regular dates where you HAVE FUN together. There are plenty of marriage seminars and books that you can read that will help you to realize that you have a choice in the matter and you CAN be happy. Divorce is MORE THAN difficult on a child - you owe it to her to try your best to make things work. And I DO NOT advocate bringing any more children into the situation unless you are committed to staying together for life.

Hi L.,

Please don't make this so black and white: you have other choices between 1. stay and be miserable or 2. leave and be happy.

Please seek out a qualified counselor to help you sort through everything. Some churches provide very affordable counseling.

And, I always go by what Dr. Phil says "wake up everyday and think; what can I do today to make my marriage better?" You may be surprised how some changes on your part will make BIG changes in your marriage.

Just dont give up!

Best wishes

I was told by a good Male friend He was a coworker of mine. If you want to find that perfect man and you keep dumping guys you never will. No person is perfect. He also said-Pick a guy you like and stick with him. Every couple has their ups and downs always. You will go though men like crazy trying to keep that high or fun feeling that will never last with anyone. He was very right. I had "dated" or went out with lots of men. At the end I was bored because feelings come and go. The "fun" feeling ALWAYS end. I met at man I love we have our ups and downs, but I thank God I am with him. LIfe is hard sometimes and its always a roll coaster. You need to ride though the not so fun times too. Your husband might be wanting to have more fun also. If you can afford it try and take a vacation with him and have fun. Do things like when you were dating. Neck in the car run though the rain or fun stuff. He would probably like it too. Be spontaneous with him. Start out little because he might not be used to it. If you have any questions please write me back. PLEASE PLEASE don't give up yet. You might be sorry later then it will be to late.
Sue
There is a bunch of things I could tell you about dating "other men" I just don't know what all to say. I wish I had known this way sooner I would have never wasted my time looking for that "fun" and "perfect" man.

I wrote you before and forgot to put this in. Most of the time people get the "7" year itch. Marriage is very hard work no matter who your married to. Marriage is not always fun. But it is worth it to stick with it and try and do different things together. Go to the ocean and watch the waves. Just have fun. A good man treats his wife with love and respect. The grass is always greener over the other side of the fence it seems like BUT that is really not true. People will fake having the perfect marriage to their friends, neighbors and even family. They don't want people to know what's going on in their private life. When you meet man or women they are usually politer/nicer in the beginning. But after time the real person comes out. PLEASE be-careful. Once you cross a line your marriage is NEVER the same. Try and find the good things he does and think about those instead of the ones that bother you. I know I do things that bug my husband and he does stuff that bugs me. I try and not focus on those things. I try not to do the things that bug him. As long as your spouse is not hurting you or your kids. PLEASE try and keep your marriage together. Compassion is very hard to do sometimes it works out best if you and your husband try it. There is a movie that is great its called Fireproof with Kirk cameron and Erin Bethea they have a book to go with it also maybe your both can watch it and read the book together? I heard you can rent this movie from the library for free? My girlfriend and her husband watched the movie and HE cried. He is a tough guy that does not cry. They are not Christians and they still loved the movie. They want to watch it again even. The beginning of my life was wasted. Like I said before I would have never done 90 percent of what I did before if I had gotten the advice sooner in my life.
Sue

I didn't have the heart to read through all of these, so forgive me if I repeat. Your happiness is very important; never listen to those who say it isn't. Depression can cause you to think very negatively about someone. I have known people who suffered from this who where about to divorce. When they received treatment they felt very differently about their spouse. Don't seek marriage counseling at this time. Seek counseling for yourself. A good councilor can help you sort your feelings out. I am a big fan of earning your way out of a marriage. that is sorting out your emotions fully before you call it quits. After all, you don't want to figure out latter that you may have worked it out if you only knew how to think or do things differently. Take care.

I have been married 48 yrs. The grass is not greener with another man.............
Simple advice: treat him like a king and he will treat you as a queen. Sounds like you have a good guy. Quit being mad over everything and find something you like in him. This works wonders. If you let yourself, you will fall back in love with him. But fighting won't get you there, just stop it..............Quit trying to be right and start being his wife...........You do reap what you sow.
In my view you are being a whining brat and need to appreciate what you have. It is hard out there as a single mom..............Way harder than you think.

Hi L., you are going to get a ton of advice on this matter. Many years ago at mine and my husbands thirtenth year together, i was where you are right now, give or take a few issues, I told my husband I didn't love him anymore, all my friends told me yes you do you are just mad at him. Well we have 3 children now grown, who's lives could have been turned upside down, but with the help of people from a church that was big on marriage and families got in there and helped us. we attended marriage workshops that were for all married couples reguardless of where you were at it your marriage. The biggest thing that I want you to get from my sesponse is, loving your husband is a decission not a feeling, and that is where we go wrong as married people.

I had to make a decission that was going to love my husband no matter what, I was told my heart would catch up, and it did, I got to be honest it was not easy, it was a battle, but it was a battle that I was wiling to fight, the arguing was hurting my kids, and I had remembered the first time L. I held each and everyone of my baby's for the first time I made a promise to them that I would pertect them from any kind of evil and illness, and any kind of harm and danger at any cost, well I was not doing that. One of the sisters in the church asked me, how much do you love your children, I told them more than my next breath, she told me i'm going to tell you something that a women was told me when I was where you are right now, she your love for your kids has to be stronger than your anger, anamosity, hate, for your husband, and the same with him, she was soooo right. God is who blesses marriage, well since God put two together, then that is where you belong, God does not make mistakes, so sweetie there is no way he'going to put the wrong people together, Love does not fail, people do. You mentioned you have beed feeling this way for 4 years, your daughter is only 2. All men/women have faults, you can divorce your husband, who faults that hopefully you adjusted to, just like he has adjusted to yours, to choose another man is nothing more than choosing another set of faults, cause no matter how some man may seem, he's gonna have faults that you will have to adjust to, so L. so what happens when you get tired of dealing with him, do you divorce him too and go find someone else? with many women this becomes a pattern of life, for example my oldest sister is now with her 4th husband, my other sister is married now to her third husband
how many more will be searching for the perfect husband that does not exsist. You mentioned that your husband is hard working and is a good provider, do you know how many women wait their whole lives for a man like that? I know this is long and i am sorry, I wish i could talk to you in person. Through my daycare of 12 years, i have seen countless times what divorce does to a child, divorce is one of the most selfish things a parent can do to a child.
It's wrong to try to recitify hurt in your life, by hurting someone else, your daughter your husband, it's also wrong to try and recitfy your unhappyness, by causing un happiness to someone else. I'm 52 years old, next month my husand and i will be celebrating 28 years of marriage, L. had we given up, we would had never known the love, peace, and happyness we share today, we learned that love was a decission, and we put our hearts, our ideas, into that decission and today our family is happy intack. Our kids are now 25, 22, and 20 and our 25 year old is married and he patterns himself after his dad, an he and his wife are doing great. Please don't take advice that is wordly, please don't take advice from divorced women that tell you they have never been happier, single parenting is hard at it's best, please don't take advice that will not take the feelings of your daughter and husband into consideration, I'm not saying take my advice, any advice that doesn't help your marriage will hurt your marriage, so take advice from happy wives who have been where you are and now and have the marriages they always dreamed of having. I do. J. L.

Here are some of the lines you wrote that I think you need to read again...

"have a 2 year old little girl. I have been struggling the past 4 years telling myself that it will work" -Why didn't you leave before you brought a child into your confused state?

"He is a wonderful man and father" - You said it yourself, that he is a wonderful father. Do you really want to be so selfish and deprive your daughter of that??

"I should be happy to have a guy that works hard and is a good provider and father for his family" - Yes, you should be happy. Only YOU can make yourself happy. Do you know how lucky you are?

"some people would think I am crazy" - Yes, they would.

"one day I will regret not just sticking to it for my daughter's sake and giving her a sibling" - Please think of your daughter instead of yourself. But please do not add any more children to your family until you have grown up and are sure about what you are doing.
This may be harsh to read, but you asked for advice. Grow up and be thankful that you have a good man and a wonderful daughter.

You have some great responses. This is a tough one. I, too, do not want to come off sounding judgmental but there are a couple of things to think of.
1. This is not just about your feelings. You have to think of your hubby and your child first.
2. "Feelings" come and go. Being "in love" is somewhat of a fleeting feeling. You can fall in love with someone but then later lose that romantic, infatuatory type of love but have something more intense and deep than that. Look at what you two do have rather than what you do not have.
3. No matter what, there is no perfect person. You will never find anyone that makes you happy ALL the time until you are happy all the time on your own.
4. Try and think of what it was like when you first got together and try to recreate that. There had to be more to it than expecting to learn to love him.
5. Remember, if you said "till death do us part", God takes you seriously. You made a promise that you should do everything to keep.
6. Go see a counselor. Marriage therapy can sort through all kinds of things.

The reason I say all of these things is that I went through a period where I felt the love was gone in my marriage, and I felt we were growing apart. However, we saw a therapist, we talked about our feelings there and at home, and worked through it. And we are happy now and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Give it more of a real shot. It can work if you want it to.

Best of luck.

A.

L.,
I think you are very brave for admitting you're feelings. I can't really offer advice on whether to leave your husband or not. However, I can tell you that if you do leave your husband, always be respectful and show genuine care towards him in front of your daughter. I know many people who have divorced parents and now have happy, healthy marriages because their parents always put their child's best interests first. I think that as long as parents can get along, show respect and be "friends" then children understand that there are different types of relationships and different levels of love. The last thing a child needs to see are two people in a loveless relationship because then it sends them a message that all marriages are that way. Best of luck to you!

In addition to Sue R. and Julia M., and Virginia C.-
how were you with previous men/boyfriends? Did you have this same feeling of dissatisfaction or lack of love feelings?

**(Adding This)- Is it possible... that your Husband represents something to you that YOU wish you could be? You seem to describe your Husband as being pretty wonderful... could it be that YOU wish you had those traits and abilities? But you don't so you have like passive-aggressive attitudes toward him and treat him with such irritation and loathing???
Also, some people, men or women, just cannot "understand" WHY someone so wonderful would want them...thus they sabotage their own relationships...thinking that their partner will leave them one day so they might as well be first to do so...and then they just don't treat their partners very nicely...but actually, it is THEMSELVES that they are irritated/angry/dissatisfied with. (per my comments below about a friend of mine who just CANNOT find any "perfect" man. Ever.

I have been married for 12 years. My husband, once told me similar things to what you said (though not as extreme) and he does love me unquestionably & we love each other dearly. I did not take it personally, but rather, we talked about it. And basically, he was feeling restless with his life, and it was HIM that was feeling just "growing pains" ie: having children and now being a Dad AND a husband... his job, his view of himself, his "ideals" of what life is... wanting to still have fun and "being young".... all of which is "fleeting" values and feelings. Its all about how YOU can tweak your world view and views of relationships. I told my Hubby, that marriage and "love" is NOT like in the movies or story books. BUT... we can work on it TOGETHER. I learned what his "goals" are and what kinds of activities he "wishes" to do and what HIS ideas of "excitement" and fun are. So, we both had to get out of our comfort zones and indulge in each other. AND, it has helped. IN other words, we got intellectually/emotionally closer as we talked about it, instead of blaming the other for "our" lack of passion in life. And, we grew together and STILL grow together.

The thing is, we are STILL learning about each other. That is what relationships are. Married or not. If something is finite... it will get boring and feelings will evaporate. BUT, you also have to KNOW for yourself, what is real or not, and if you are TRULY unhappy.

If you cannot "love" this man, and only have irritation toward him. Well, that is like a barren garden. For both of you. Perhaps, have a heart to heart talk with him.... and if you really cannot fathom a life with him.... something has to be resolved.

Then again, I have a dear friend, that no matter who she has a relationship with, NO man is ever good enough, even though they meet ALL her "requirements." So, she is still single... and still pines away for that "perfect" man and perfect "love" and perfect "passion" and perfect "life." But the thing is, she did have that, with some guys she had a relationship with. And in one of those relationships, she actually moved out of state, as an 'excuse' to end the relationship. And now, she wishes she never did dump him. Because she did not "see" what she had back then. BUT, he is now married and has children with another woman... all the things SHE "wishes" she had. This guy really loved her warts and all...but she could not see that. I don't think any man can satisfy her, to be honest, and she is afraid of "having" what she actually hopes for.

I don't know what the answer is for you... sorry.
But I do wish you the best, and happiness,
Susan

Your child will benefit from you being happy and someday in a loving relationship that she can watch and learn from. My sister is in a marriage much like yours and she stays only for the kids. In their house, you could cut the tension with a knife and the kids probably think that's what a marriage is supposed to be like...which is sad. Both you and your husband deserve to be happy and it sounds like you are way past couples therapy. I know the hardest part is actually doing something about it. It's much easier to just live in the misery than to build up the nerve to uproot your entire life however, it's likely that in hind sight, you will ask yourself why you didn't do it sooner. Good luck!:)

Rent the movie Fireproof. They address a lot of what you bring up. It will be worth your time and has the potential to bring that love back into your relationship. In the movie they talk about a book called The Love Dare. Watch the movie first and let me know what you think.
I'm cheering for you.
A.

Before you give up entirely on your relationship with your husband, this may be a good time for you to explore who you are, your belief system about relationships and what those beliefs are based upon, and what your expectations really are. Are you a child of divorce or where you raised by a single parent? I know for me and for a lot of my friends who were raised primarily by our mothers, we never really got a chance to benefit from seeing what it takes to make a relationship work over the course of a lifetime with all of it's peaks and valleys and such. I also think we saw relationships as being very disposable because that's what our parents' relationships ended up being. The problem with seeing something as being disposable is that you never really bond with it or invest any of your heart and soul into it because your really don't have a real barometer to measure what permanence and logevity are all about -- what it takes to make it happen. And I'd really like you to take some time out to delve into the true source of discontent because, as a child of divorce, I do worry about the emotional wellbeing of your daughter.

Please take care and take of that little girl of yours. The effects of divorce and having your parents move on and start dating (possibly unsavory) people and starting new families with their new partners can be devestating for a child. It's always better to have an intact family and parents who work for a better relationship and for the betterment of the family whenever possible for obvious reasons but also, because it teaches you core values and concepts like: trust, stability, cohesiveness, perservenernce, romantic love vs. practical love vs. unconditional love, and many, many other things. If at all possible, I hope that you and your husband choose to make to make a better relationship for each other (you for him and him for you, ideally), and a better home life for your daughter. Sometimes it's all about attitude and adopting a new pro-active, positive, loving attitude costs you nothing at all and you don't even have to go to a store to do so.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

L.,
Marriage is hard work and out of that work comes love, compassion, friendship, excitement, frustration, disappointment, laughter, children, and memories to share with someone else that will validate your life. I have been married many years, and there have been moments of questioning. But, those do pass. If you were married to someone that always agreed with you, never argued and didn't have an opinion of their own, you would get bored. It is okay not to like your mate or yourself sometimes. We are not perfect! The fallacy that happily ever after means all the time is not reality. The mundane things of every day living can be boring or less than satisfying. The changes must occur within yourselves. Notice I said, plural, YOURSELVES. Go to a counselor, and learn how to "Fair Fight" with each other. An example of this would be; when arguing or discussing something, stay on that subject. Don't bring up everything else that makes you mad, disappointed or is old stuff that has been beat to death. You have plenty of time to hit those issues at another time. You both will learn to respect your separate ideas and views, and how you can communicate with each other. You can be honest with each other, and do this in the least hurtful way. Let your husband know that things need to change. But remember that means you have to be willing to risk, expose your true feelings and desires. Intimacy in the bedroom is very important. Express your needs, if they have changed, let him know. Ask him if his needs have changed. I don't know how old you both are, but neither one of you should be exactly like you were when you got married. He has probably wanted some things to change too, but he hasn't been able to express them properly, not because of you, but possibly he is afraid that you would be hurt, or put off by something he says, etc. The unspoken words can be very lonely, and can often cause a situation to be worse. I know that maturing in a relationship, means taking risks with each other. He may not be receptive in the beginning, but he loved you enough to marry you, so give him more chances to allow your relationship to grow and change into something that is better for both of you. Frustration causes anger, and anger causes hurt. Get rid of the anger by releasing it in a loving way(play fair, no name calling), and you two will be onto a new adventure in your lives and marriage. One last thing, your marriage will not define you as an individual, but it will create a place to grow as an individual, a couple and a family.

I love my husband, he can infuriate me, surprise me after all these years with new thoughts, and yes, he still lights my fire.

E.

I have sooo been there.
Married now 8 years with 3 kids, 5 and under.
There's a reason why you married him.
I'm guessing you are frustrated with something else in your life, but you aren't sure.
Follow the guidance of WWW.Flylady.net (it's totally free) and you will find peace in your life. I wish I had found her before I was married.
Marriage is not about "being in love", but loving yourself and respecting yourself--that will, in turn, be what your partner than receives.
Really, it works.
It may seem hokey (it did/does to me), but it works.

Good luck
Remember, wherever you go, there you are. Don't run away, be the agent of change.

How do you feel about yourself? Are you sure you aren't happy with your husband because it is too hard to look inside and see what is really hurting? You may want to talk to a doctor or psychiatrist about what is going on. I am not a doctor but you sure sound depressed. I could go on for a while but I think this can be resolved with a little help from the doctor.

Hi L.,
It is such a tough thing to give advice on because we don't live with your husband and can only go on what you say. There are so many things that are important in a marriage and all together that make the perfect relationship. If you have read the question and response history in Marriage & Relationships here, you will see there are so many postings on the same subject. Getting along doesn't happen all at one time, or sometimes we go through phases in our relationships.

After nearly 13 years, I can tell you my husband and I are pretty comfortable together, yet we have had many times we were ready to call it quits. In fact, as I speak of how comfortable we are, I was ready to post/vent something the other day. Times are tough right now and so many people are stressed and or depressed, which takes a toll on our relationship.

Communications is very important, yet so is going to work everyday or making a living, providing quality time for your family, helping out, laughter, and romance. However like I said, we all have our ups and downs. Sometimes, while one is up, the other is down and we go through a vicious cycle for a while.

Have you every enjoyed him? You had to have had something in common when you dated and married him. Did you really exchange vows with the thought you would have to make it work in the future? I find it hard to believe you knew you were telling a little white lie to the groom, yourself, and everyone else that was there.

Again, please don't get me wrong...I have probably flipped my husband off behind his back and to his face a half a million times, but I do love him. Relationships are just tough. You just have to find a way to talk things through.

While on the way to a picnic this afternoon, I told my husband I knew how to get to the park because I went to a party there. He made a right turn just like I asked him to and then he flipped out. He said he was going to get lost and it was the wrong way and said he was turning around...bla bla bla. I backed off and didn't say a word. He decided not to turn around and did what I asked. Still, I said nothing. We approached one of the cross streets the park was on and he turned right (on his own). Well, the right turn was wrong and he finally asked me if I thought he should turn around. I told him yes, if he wanted to get to the picnic anytime today. He turned around and found that if he asked me, he was only a block away. Suddenly our daughter recognized the park and told him about the water park in there. He looked at me and asked when we had been there (remember, I told him I knew where it was because I had been there before). Of course, then he asked why I didn't tell him how to get there...and I got to tell him I did, but he doesn't listen. I then proceeded to tell him it was like watch him load the gun, turn the gun, cock the gun, and then shoot the gun. You try to stop him, but who would mess with a loaded gun? You just shake your head and say, "That must of hurt".

So I don't walk in your shoes, but we all have communication problems at some point. We have had them with our best friends growing up, our parents, teachers, and now our husbands. You will have them in your future with your children. Further, if you were to split with your husband and find a new one, you will have those problems with that husband too. It is just how we are made.

I suggest you and your husband start with 5 things that you liked about each other back in the day. What did he do that made you happy or feel special. What did you do for him that made you feel special? Has it stopped. Can you make each other feel special again? Try.

Hi, L.! Yes, I was in that situation. I was in love with Dana Point, his family (still best friends with his MOM!), I wanted to belong and he was goodlooking and all. We had an ok intellectual connection, but nothing else. He could not communicate on an emotional level, I only dated him for 6 months and then I discovered he had a mental / emotional DISORDER, for which he was hospitalized. He did not take the drugs prescribed, escaped out of the institution his parents put him in and got "healed" by some church guy. Had I known ANY of this prior to marriage, I would have never married him. There was no chemistry, no sex and therefore no kids. so I walked away. I quickly made another mistake with a man I had wild chemistry with, but he also could not communicate. We wound up with a daughter, but the lack of communication made it impossible to live together. He won't even sign divorce papers or have a discussion but I have moved out. Because of our daughter, it is much more complicated. I say you have to give your kids the right example. Just because a man provides financially does not make him a good husband. My first did not even do THAT. I was supporting us. My second does a good job of that, but basically works, drinks and sleeps. That's it. There was NO relationship between him and my daughter before I left. Now I schedule a day that he takes her and actually spends time with her. She loves him now and thinks hes the best! But there was nothing before.

Some men never grow up and can not connect. You are right about the foundation. You would be able to fall in love with a man who could communicate with you. Was there any chemistry ever? Could counseling recapture that? Do you know what his issues are with you? We had a fantastic counselor, Ron Bacon in SJC who helped us sort all that out.

If you ever want to talk, you can email me. I wanted the same thing (2-3 kids and a happy family!!) and finally realized that I was not set up by my parents to choose well or recognize the building blocks for that because I did not grow up with it or learn them. But I would choose very differently now.

If he truly is a good guy, he'll rise to the occasion. If he isn't or if he's just broken, like my current one is, they just cant' and you can't waste the rest of your life hoping he will.

Hi, I'm wondering if you aren't suffering from depression? Have you been to see the dr to check? Your body has been through a lot this past couple of years & your hormones have been all over the map. Mild Depression sneaks up on people & they never really realize the way it's coloring everything they are looking at. And you can't control it...some people think if they just think "happy thoughts", they will be okay. NOT. I'm NOT an advocate of depression drugs, but sometimes they are needed. Depression DOES happen to new mothers quite a lot--all those hormone fluxations--sometimes just more exerise, restful sleep & a better diet can make a HUGE difference in your life outlook.

I know I'm echoing most of the other posts, counseling--for both of you together & for you on your own seems in order.

If it was just about you, I'd say bail & work on yourself through some counseling to see what you really want out of life. BUT you have a child & the most wonderful & stressful thing you will ever experience is raising your girl. So putting her 1st is VERY important. If you make a decision to separate, HER life will be altered RADICALLY.

2 things to keep in mind...the statistics say that most people who get divorced over "just not in love anymore" aren't any happier 10 years down the line. They are just as unhappy--if not even MORE unhappy--(but older), because another person can't give you happiness. YOU control that. And there is NOTHING wrong with having feelings & then exploring them with your spouse, & with a counselor if needed. Maybe you 2 need a date night or fun hobby to do together, something you used to do together before your baby. It's hard to feel love for someone, if you aren't spending time connecting to each other. Even family days, that you spend with your child can bring a closer connection & is a good starting pt.

As love grows, there is ALWAYS growing pains & changes...people can become brainwashed into thinking all Love is "Hallmark" love...Marketing sucks away the ebb & flow of life & gives everyone a fake, homogenized, empty definition of love. Love & Life are both messy & unpredictable.

Sorry so long winded--which I am--but I've lived this one--more than once, I might add--& it's worth working on these issues, not just for you, but your daughter & husband, too. I don't want to sound preachy, but the couples who have been together a long time will tell you life has ups & downs & that "being in love" is over rated. Isn't that the "new" phase of love? The excitement over all the "newness"? Mature love knows the warts & wrinkles & values them, too. And I can tell you from experience, a regularly scheduled "playtime" goes a long way in keeping that loving feeling alive.

Hi L.,
Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, there must have been love in the air that you both have beautiful children. Have you tried revealing your feelings to him? If you are feeling some guilt in yourself and in your heart, then there is something that is still lighting in you. Also, think about your children, they will hate you for taking something that is just as special as you are from them. They may not be old enough, but they have a right too and they have feelings too. They will be the one suffer most, and should consider them as well. But then on the other hand, I have seen marriages that both parties come to a well understanding that it's just not what they both want or agree that they are better off and remain great friends for the sake of the children. My oldest daughter is exactly the same way. Her and her ex were great together when it comes to family, but between the two of them, they were always on the separate page. I convinced her of the same thing and talk to each other. Now for the sake of my grand daughter, they are more of best friends and still got a long well, than living together. Sometimes what you want may NOT be what he wants. But it's your choice. Follow your heart, listen to yourself, ask yourself if the step you are about to take may hurt you or bless you in the long run. Remember, look around you, understand that sometimes the most annoying person next to you, may be the person you will miss when you run into difficult times, when you are down or going through bad times, you might find how much you miss having him around to make you laugh or just to have his company around. Who knows but only you know that...you know yourself and what you want. The choice you make is the choice that will either take you to the road of happiness or the road of saddness. But once you make that move, it's all you. Listen to your heart, yourself, and ensure that it's really what you want. Sit down and talk to each other. I understand it's not fair too if you are sacrificing your happiness for the sake of the children. If you are not happy, then you are not happy. FOLLOW YOUR HEART. Good luck

Wow... I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It must be awful. I have been married for about 5 years and have two little boys that I adore. One thing my husband has always said is "the grass is always greener on the other side because you're not at home watering your own." L., it sounds like you allowed yourself to grow a lot of resentment towards your husband. Maybe it's not him, maybe it's you... maybe you are bored with what your life has become. You said you have tried everything... but have you really? Have you gone to counseling? Give yourself a break. Go away. Reinvent your self. Go away with your husband. What made you fall in love with him in the first place?? I know when my husband and I are feeling a bit "stale" we do what we used to before kids came around. Hang in there... I know this has been going on for 4 years now but give it an HONEST try. Get counseling and keep your daughter in mind. You're so lucky to have a man who is a good father, a hard worker and good provider. I have a few friends who are divorced and are having a real difficult time. It's not so easy finding good men out there these days... if you have one - don't lose him. Good luck to you.

Hi L.,

I can see where you're coming from. My parents were married for 13 years then were divorced for a year and then remarried eachtoher, stayed together for 7 years and then my mom finally called it quits because my dad could not stay faithful. My mother found a guy who treats her better than my dad ever did and she is extremely happy. My dad finally realized what he lost after having so many chances but has to deal with the consequences now. I wish my parents were together but they had so many problems and sought help when it was too late. My dad was unfaithful so many times, so i understand why my mom didn't want to go through a half empty life. I am happy that my mom is finally truly happy and she does not regret anything because everything happens for a reason.

I personally think divorce is an easy way out, especiall how our society treats it. (I'm not saying you're choosing the easy way out because you are trying to make it work) But i also know that some people should have never gotten married in the first place.

I am Christian, My husband and i have been through pleanty of ups and downs, especially before getting married...but we put God at the center of our relationship and we have succeeded through many difficult times. One thing my pastor told us is when a person falls out of love, it is hard for that person to fall back in love - which could be your situation. But there is also the other sense of not knowing what you have until its gone and too late.

I read a book by Gary Smalley, he's a marriage counselor, 'If Only She Knew', its about understanding your husband. There is a story in the book about a husband who was having an open affair and would leave his wife at home to be with the other woman. The wife was a christian and worked with her pastor to get her husband back, she changed her attitude and over time her husband ended the affair and wanted to be with his wife. I could not imagine how hard this was for this woman but she must have loved her husband very much and was definitely giving it all up to God.

I also heard of two other books: 'For Better or For Best' by Gary Smalley; and 'Change Your Heart, Change Your Life: How Changing What You Believe Will Give You the Great Life You've Always Wanted' by Dr. Gary Smalley that are good too.

I know you're doing all you can and hopefully i've given you a little more perspective on your options. You're in a tough pickle and i hope you make the best decision for not only your daughter but for yourself, you have to make yourself happy first before you can make others happy. I don't know your entire story but my heart really goes out to you. I will be keeping you in my prayers.
Take care.

Wow, how brave you are. I have been in your shoes for coming up on 19 years. We have one child who is 16 and a half and would rather us be together and miserable than apart. I too felt pressured to marry because I was almost 30 and he was such a great guy. And he is. I was just never in love with him that way. No chemistry. Like you, I thought I could make it work. I have been on medicine for depression since my daughter was born. I have just recently found someone who is great to me and makes all the bells and whistles go off. I feel so guilty. I am most afraid of my daughter hating me. I am mainly writing to let you know you are not alone. Make yourself happy. I am finding that life is too short and right now am trying to follow my own advise. Good Luck. I feel your pain.
L.

Hey L.
I've been through alot of the same things that you have, and I can honestly say that prayer is what worked for me. God softened my heart and my husband's heart (which was rock hard) and now my marriage and my family are saved. God loves you and wants your marriage to work. So get to work it's not too late!

I would also recommend watching Fireproof WITH your husband as others already have.

God bless you L. your family will be in my prayers

you may also want to read "The Purpose Driven Life" By Rick Warren, it IS a life changing read.

Work at it. It is worth it. It is not about you, but about the kids and your husband. Put him first. You won't regret it.
M. T.

I have been married for almost 17 years this summer,,& yes ,,I have been where you are.I fell back in love with my husband & he with me ,,but it took alot of prayer & work.Get the book,"The love dare,"It is an amazing book,you just have to be willing to do what it asks.I sympathize with you & i will keep you & your marriage in prayer.

I know just how you feel. Married 7yrs also...though we have 2 kids 7 & 4 and a surprise due in Sept. There are a couple of good books I recommend that help to understand why communication is so difficult between husband and wife, and how to better learn to get along and fall in love in a more intimate and deeper way with our spouses.

1) Love & Respect by Emmerson Eggrichs
2) Cracking the Communication Code by Emmerson Eggrichs
3) The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Don't give up! Marriage is hard work, but worth it....the "in-love" passionate part actually lasts only 1-2 years, then its work because we now get annoyed by the same things that attracted us in the 1st place. CRAZY....anyhow,
people that don't work through the tougher times, and split up- end up dealing with the same type of issues in other relationships......LOVE is a choice, and we have to actively choose it when it is most challenging.....stick with it! Especially for you daughter, and you.....

OK, I don't know you, but I can tell you I do know how hard it is to be single in LA!!! I got married at 33...and must say, I DO NOT miss being single at all. I did find the love of my life, but I have girlfriends who are in their mid 30ies, and still not married.....most say it is so hard to find a good man.

Try counseling. Their must have been some reason you married him to begin with, right?? It seems odd to just fall out of love..unless their is someone else?? Or perhaps he has issues you can't deal with??? Otherwise, I would try and fix the relationship.

I would try to make things work... communicate... get a 3rd party to help u all sort things out.... go on vacation...spend some time together doing new things...

This has been a common theme in my life for the past 3 years, both personally and with family members. First I would say don't just give up, I mean obviously you haven't in four years, but try anything you can before you walk away. I am not saying that you will never find someone else, but the chances of finding someone that you love and loves you back are so rare. Not to mention finding someone that you can trust with your daughter... Not only that, but I think that you may have some kind of love for him just from how you talk about him. You just need to find that and draw from it. Everyone that I know right now that has been divorced with kids regrets it. Even my grandmother who has been married this time for 25 years says that she never should have left my grandfather. She says that it was selfish and she can't even remember why she did it. I am not saying that is always the case, but at least try counseling/therapy, and you fell in love with him once, just try to again. Try to remember what drew you to him in the first place, and think about your daughter, you said that he was an amazing father. It is important that you are happy, but don't just give up. Read Men are From Mars Women are From Venus. I know that it sounds corny, but it has helped a lot of women that I know, myself included. As with anything else, take it with a grain of salt. Good Luck and have a wonderful life!

Hi,
How does your husband feel? Have you two thought about counseling to truly figure out your feelings...try to get to the bottom of things?
If you've tried everything and you still feel the same way -- make yourself happy. Life is way to short to not be happy. And staying in a relationship just for your daughter is not the best decision. Your daughter is going to learn to love by her parents -- seeing how you two love each other. Also, I don't think giving your daughter a sibling will solve the problem.
Best of luck.

I think you've already gotten some great advice. I also want to tell you I think before you walk away from your marriage you really should try to do everything you can to save it. My parents split when I was three and I can tell you it's a tough way to grow up (although if you truly exhaust every possibility with your husband and then conclude it can't work, your daughter will get through it like countless other people). The thing is, another person can't make you happy (for more than the first 3 months, and that's really hormones, not happiness), you have to do that for yourself, so I'd really do some soul-searching and some real work before you give up. And it sounds like he doesn't know how you feel, and as hard as it will be, you're going to have to tell him so you guys have a shot at making it better. He may be feeling the same way, and may actually be relieved to have it on the table. I think you'll need to find a great family therapist for sure. Please don't walk away before you really try. I think you'll be sorry if you do. Marriage is hard work and i think one of the main components of any marriage that lasts is determination. Good luck, rooting for you!!

You have received some excellent advise. Keep in my mind that as unhappy as you might be, your child's life will be torn apart and she'll be much more unhappy then you. She deserves an intact family. Therapy can truly save marriages. I wish you the best.

You have recieved some wonderful advice. Cathleen especially did a great job of giving you tools to work with!

I have to say do some individual counseling. It can works amazing things in your life. My husband and I have been married for going on 3 years. We've been in counseling for the last 2! The biggest help has been anger management for my husband, and individual counseling for me. I was in that same place you are, depressed, scared, and wondering what if? Thankfully I found a wonderful counselor who has helped me through so many of my own issues that were causing some of the problems in my marriage!

I will say the best advice I ever got was "Love is like a roller coaster, it has ups and downs and sometimes you really wanna get off, but the best thrill is at the end knowing you did it with your whole heart." You WILL fall in and out love with your husband over the years, he may not be your best friend, and he may have some annoying habits. Look at the good, he is a wonderful provider, and loving father. I am sure there is more good too. Keep that in mind as much as you can.

Also practice the mirroring technique when you talk with him that way you know you are hearing each other. A great book is Getting The Love You Want. I don't remember who wrote it but it helped my husband and I go from that constant arguing to having easy discussions of even the most hot tempered topics.

Hello L.,

Being "In Love" really translates to being CONNECTED.
And having young children in the house does change most relationships, often for the worst! It makes couples seem to be less connected. And we can even start to think that it has been that way for the whole time we were ever together!

The awesome thing is that you now have a chance to make a big difference in your life! The fact that YOU ARE AWARE that he is irritating you means that there is something inside yourself that does not belong there. Whatever you are judging in him, is what you are also judging in yourself. That is why it bothers you so much! (If you weren't judging it inside yourself, or if there weren't somthing about it related to thoughts of lack or restriction inside yourself, then it would not bother you.)

He is actually giving you an opportunity to become aware of what you are judging about yourself, so that you can then take responsibility for it, (and then it will change!) Which means you will then have more fulfillment and joy in your life!!

And maybe you know that saying, if you think you need to run away, then you must stay. If you think it doesn't matter either way, then you can leave.

If you do leave, you will only find the same relationship again, because this is something that is alive inside YOU. (As they say, "Wherever you go, there you are") So you might as well work on it with the man you already have in your life! (And now that you have children, he will be in your life for a long time anyway, so you may as well try to develop good communication skills with him either way!)

I can recommend "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie.

I also recommend couples counseling. It can really help bring people back to a place of communication, so that that "in love" CONNECTED feeling can be created again.

Lots and Lots of Love,
Linda
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

You cannot change the way you feel in my opinion. You have tried and thought you could make it work, but you cannot change the base of who you are. My mom and dad are still married (have been for 50+ years) and my mom has not been happy in her marriage for a LOOOONG time. I hate that she has settled for a sub standard marriage and sacrificed so much of her own happiness. I would have, and indeed did tell her to get divorced a long time ago. Her peace of mind and happiness is more important than keeping a marriage together for the sake of being married. It sounds like you have thought about this for a long time (4 years) and know what you need to do...It will be difficult, but he deserves to have someone who loves him for the wonderful man he is too. You both sound like good people to me. My best!

I think you owe it to your daughter and marriage to exhaust all your options before you make this decision. I would go to individual or marital therapy for a while in order to gain a deeper understanding of your needs and fears and to see if through more honest communication you and your husband can work through this. Good luck.

Hi L., I was in the same situation but married 9 years when I decided this is not the marriage I want the rest of my life. I know I made the right choice. It wasn't long after the divorce that I met the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, an honest loving man we are best friends and love doing everything together. Life is to short to be unhappy. And if you have tried like I did and it doesn't work, move on and you will find your soul mate that you want to always be around. Good Luck, M.

The grass is NOT always greener on the other side. I SERIOUSLY suggest you read "The proper feeding of husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger" It's made a huge difference in my marriage, saved countless others and hopefully it will for you too. The best thing is, my hubby has no idea I read it :)

It sounds like you have searched your soul for a long time and know your heart. It's taking that drastic step that you are scared of and concern for your child. It's the criticism and lack of security that you will face, the loss of familiar surroundings and daily normalcy. You're afraid that you will waste your life and end up bitter. These are valid concerns.

I am a lot older than you and have seen this same situation many times. And as awful as this sounds, you're ripe to have an affair. That's how it happens a lot of the time, someone is unhappy in their relationship, unfulfilled, and lonely at their core. Along comes someone makes their heart sing and it's irresistible. It's easy to stay in your daily life and seek the connection you don't have with your spouse. That is a disaster for everyone involved. It has happened time and time again to people in your situation.

Like others who gave advice, I think you should go get counseling. It will help you decide whether you want to stick it out or how to gather the courage to make a break. Don't drift along until you are bitter, depressed or drift into an affair. You owe that to yourself, your husband and your child, to get help in deciding.

Hi L.,
I have to first begin by saying that I am NOT any kind of expert~~I am a Mom of two litte girls and a wife of 10 years, but we have been together for 17. I have never felt the way that you do and I am sorry to hear that you are sad. Does your husband know how unhappy you are? I am sure that people have suggested marriage counseling and you should do it if you can. Even if you don't end up together in the long run, maybe you'll both come out of it with a better understanding of each other. I would definatly NOT bring another child into the world under your current emotions. Like I said, I am by no means qualified to give marriage advice formally, but you should really think long and hard about that decision. Good luck to you. I do hope that you find happiness!!

L. T

PERSONAL STORY
I can appreciate how you feel, I went through the something very similar for 13 years, we argued constantly. (we had three children together) I finally divorced my then husband, however, it was well after I gave up on our marriage. That coupled with the fact that he crossed the line of morality. (enough said about that)

MY THOUGHTS ON YOUR SITUATION
You sound like you have not truly given up on your marriage as a whole, if you wish to keep your marriage and you feel there is hope, consult a marriage or couples counselor. This could aid you in making a well informed decision on how to proceed.

Don't hurt your daughter with the constant arguing with your husband. And PLEASE don't let your problems turn into an abusive relationship. She is very impressionable, and neither of you are setting a very good examples for her to follow. (my statement is not meant to hurt either of you)

Keeping a marriage without love for the sake of your daughter is not healthy. You married your husband for who he was, not what you could make of him, or what he could make of you, neither of you fit into someone else's mold. Remember, your daughter will pick up on this and cause her much confusion as she grows up. She can still have both of her parents even if they don't live together. Just keep the same rules when her discipline is concerned.

PLEASE seek counseling for you and your husband to make a well informed decision that will ultimately affect your daughter, she is the most important factor you must both consider. If you cannot stop the arguing, then separate until you have both gotten counseling about the whole situation.

Good Luck!!

This is hard b/c my first instinct is to suggest marriage counseling or something. But if you never loved him what would be the point. Only u can decide what is best for you but here are a few things....if he is as great as u say doesn't he deserve someone who loves him and be careful of the staing 4 the kids trap, be sure of what you want to teach your daughter about being a wife and mom. Is it to settle? What advice would you give her? Good luck, I'll be sending upositive thougts either way.

L., what a hard place to be in!

I wish I could be more encouraging, but if you think marriage is hard -- wait till you find out how much harder divorce will be! Since you have a child with him, he will always be a part of your life. Divorced couples with children are still "couples" even after the divorce, but they have even less motivation for treating one another with kindness and respect as they figure out parenting in 2 households.

Plus, you will lose all control over who gets to influence your daughter's life. Statistically, men don't stay single long. So, he will likely quickly return to dating and probably remarry long before you do. All those women get to be a part of your daughter's life and it is completely out of your control. Those women will become her confidants as she heads into teen years and makes the normal separation from seeking mom's advice and connection. Scary thought for me.

Hope you give this lots more thought before making any decision. seek support. Bounce it off a counselor, your spiritual teacher, friends you trust to tell you the truth and give wise counsel. Good luck!

Wow. I truly feel for you. I'm in a similar marriage. I believe my husband feels the same way I do, even though we don't say it aloud. We have 3 children all under 5 yrs. old and we're only staying together for them. We basically live parallel lives, not spending much time together at all. I married him when I was 31 because I felt my clock ticking and desperately wanted children, he wasn't the right one. He too, is a good guy, we just don't really like each other. I'm also staying with him because many of my divorced friends regret getting divorced. As a matter of fact, I read a statistic recently that said 70% of divorces are regretted. I think about how hard life would be as a single mom, and most importantly, what kind of mom would I be trying to work and take care of them alone. They are my priority and I want to be the one to raise them, not pay someone to do that for me. So, I'm planning on sticking it out for their sakes and trying to make them see me and their dad as a happy couple the best I can. They would be devastated not to have their dad in their lives everyday. Besides, I certainly wouldn't be out looking for a new guy if we divorced anyway. My kids don't need to deal with that too along with losing their sense of security in their family.
I just wanted to let you know, I'm sure there are many women in the same position. It's just not something you discuss at the park I guess. This is how I'm dealing with it. What you do is best for you. My sisters think I'm crazy for staying in a loveless marriage. So, 'to each her own'.
It's so sad when you realize your life isn't nearly what you expected it to be. I'm sure you have an amazing little girl though! And I hope you have some good friends to talk to:) Feel free to email me your personal email address if you ever want to connect:)

Take care of yourself!
A.

I feel for you....this is not an easy situation. If you really feel you can't work on this with counseling, etc. then you should move on. Too many times people stay together for the kids...my husband is one of "those kids". It has done alot of mental damage to him and it has made our marriage at times hard. I feel you are better off being happy apart from each other. You can both still be great parents without living together. I know the "ideal situation" is to have two parents together, but sometimes that is just not possible. You don't want your daughter living in a negative enviornment and as she gets older she WILL see that. Hopefully one day you can find love again and start over. I have a very close friend who did just that...she divorced her first husband when her baby was 2 and met the man of her dreams 6 years later and had 2 more kids with him! Now her "baby" is 16 and realizes how glad she is that her mom took that big step for more happiness!! We all deserve it! Good luck!

Wow! I'm in the same boat too! I'm not married, but I am trying to make things work with the father of my daughter. I have a beautiful 2 year old and I so want the best for her. I was never "In Love" with her father, but after a year and 1/2 of us not getting a long and still having to deal with each other because of our daughter I've been trying to make it work for 8 months. Family and friends tell me to keep trying, but I feel we have nothing in common....I'm constantly biting my tongue, we don't laugh and I'm irritated by everything he does. I tell myself, "He's the father of my child and no one will love her like he does"! But, should she see a mom happy too?!?! I really don't have any advice because I'm right there with you. I'm 37 never been married and I wonder as well if I should just suffer in silence for my daughter? Could I ever love this man if I've never felt those feelings before? I've also ask myself if I'm just so used to being alone and taking care of myself? Am I just going to end up a bitter old lady or am I capable of loving anyone again? All I can say is if you did ever love him can you tap back into that? I often question too.....how long can a person try??? I even took a vacation with my sister and her family for a week. All the while thinking maybe a break would give me prospective nothing of the sort happened. It just confirmed everything that is so irritating about him. (neediness, lack of friends, not getting what I say, not thinking before reacting, thinking about buying a Jeep when we've discussed the need to get his debt down, the list could go on!) We don't even live together!!!!! I think I'd be even more miserable if we did! There is only soooo many times you can hear people say, "But he's such a nice guy!" Then I think he is the right person for someone...just not me! I wish us both the best of luck! Please let us know what happens and what you decide or even what you decide to do to figure it all out.

Have you tred talking to him bout how you feel. How about finding some thing interesting to do outside of the family dont do anything you will be sorry about down the line ive been married 60 years we have arule in our household alwaways kiss and say i love you before we go to sleep good luck what ever you do A. in no. Hills

I'm not a professional but maybe you need a vacation!
Time apart will help too. Don't give up on your "family". I understand your feelings (I'm a homemaker w/ 3 1/2 yr old girl). You might need time away from it all to see what you really have. You might be so overcome with being a mom and raising your kids that you take it out on him.
Good luck and stay positive for yourself and your "family".

I know you have a lot of responses. I just wanted to second the recommendation to read John Gottman's books. I just read Why Marriages Succeed or Fail... and How YOU Can Make Yours Last. My husband is going to read it as well. It is the first book that I was able to relate to and gives me hope. I understand how you are feeling, but I highly encourage you to try absolutely everything you can. I know a few people going through divorces and it is so hard when there is children involved. You need to tell your husband specifically what it is that you need and if he's a good man, which it sounds like he is, he will work with you to find that loving relationship you once shared. YOU also have to find out what his needs are and work toward meeting those goals. I agree to forget about the "being in love" for now. That will come later. Gottman's books will truly help. I recommend reading the one I mentioned above first because once you see which type of marriage you fall under, you will be able to relate and know how to begin working on getting into a healthier and happier marriage per his suggestions based on which categories you fall into. Gottman's philosophy is not about how often you fight or the level of fighting. What makes the difference is how you work through it together (using repairing statements) and the quality (not quantity) time you spend together. It sounds like you might be "bored" in your marriage / with your husband. You need to find a way to let him know what you need to make you excited and happy without criticizing him. And listen to his needs as well. Don't expect him to know what you want and don't get caught up in the "if he paid attention, he'd know what I want" You have to tell him and all that matters is that he responds to your requests. And the more you take care of his needs, the more he'll want to take care of yous. If you see each other trying, that alone will make your feelings rise to the next level. You don't necessarily have to have passion for the same things (meaning common interests) so long as you respect each others passions in life and find a way to be together supporting each other satisfying each others needs. It's also important to schedule a regular "date night" once a week and not loose sight of the need for alone time after your daughter goes to bed or when you can get a sitter. This happens often when couples have children and it's key to make time for each other which otherwise gets lost in the shuffle of family life. When you can't get a sitter, spend date night playing a game or dancing to music or watching a movie - don't answer the phone, don't do chores, etc. If you have trouble agreeing on what to do with this time, take turns each week selecting the activity and respect each others requests. Make this time important and commit to it. If your husband forgets it's date night, just remind him, don't get upset that it means he doesn't care. It's women who usually make the plans and remember dates. It's not personal. Just communicate. Remember, what's important is if he takes the time with you, not if he remembers when it is. I hope this makes sense and I'm not sure if these examples apply to you, but you can replace it with whatever it is you're going through. Best of luck to you and take care. Sincerely, K.

My husband and I had a bumpy start to our marriage, and had to really "work" at having a healthy marriage, thru counseling and prayer. We were very young when we married, and still trying to "find ourselves" for lack of a better word. But we knew God had chosen us for each other, and that marriage was a covenant between you, your spouse, and God, and you don't break that covenant. We now have a wonderful marriage, and I can't imagine not growing old with him. He is such a blessing.
I'll keep this brief, since you've already had so many responses.
1) That movie Fireproof, that people recommended....
Definitely SEE IT, IT IS AWESOME, and a real EYE OPENER.
Try to see it at a church if you can and get involved in a marriage Bible study if possible. As long as you are of any Christian faith (evangelical, Catholic, Lutheran, Presbyterian, etc.), it will hit home for you.

2) Do whatever you can do to salvage your marriage and be willing to change your heart and your habits.

Divorce is awful, especially if you have kids. My husband coaches at a high school, and he has seen many families go thru divorce (when kids are in high school seems to be a time people do this for some reason), and in every single instance, the kids have suffered tremendously, many turning to drugs and alcohol. Their whole world is turned upside down by divorce. Don't do this to yourself or your kids.
There is a reason God hates divorce. It causes horrible suffering for the people He loves.

have you tried counseling? It can work wonders. It may make no difference, but, you should give your husband a heads up.

Hi L.,

I have had friends in your situation so I understand how you feel but please try counseling before you made any decisions. You may be surprised that you can work things out. You owe it to your daughter to at least try. My brother's wife met someone else and just left without trying to save the marriage. Their 2 daughters are getting the brunt of it and they are very unhappy.

If after counseling you can't work things out then you know that divorce is the answer. If you do divorce, it is best for your daughter that you live near your ex husband so you can both see her all the time.

My brother allowed is ex to move 3 hours away and he is not able to just stop by to see his kids during the week. His kids would be much happier if he was closer.

Good luck! I hope this helps.

Hey L.,

Your plea makes me so sad. There are so many possibilities here. For me, I know that last summer was the worst time in my marriage for many reasons, and I questioned if I made the right decision in marrying my husband or not too, but the bottom line was that we were totally in over our heads in financial difficulties. I began working part time, and we've been able to resolve those issues, and be happy as a couple together again in a short time. I think that if you made the decision to marry your husband that there must have been something there, some spark, that maybe you just have lost. Having a family changes the dynamics of a relationship, as you know, and maybe you 2 need some time alone. A vacation, even if just for a weekend, without your child (as hard as it may be...), can help you reconnect and really help you decide how you feel. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and your marriage vows to really do all you can to figure this out. Even possibly go to counseling. I don't know if you've gone already, and I know you mentioned that you really don't want to work on it, but you took those vows, and I don't believe you did on the premise that you could just leave when you fell out of love. I think marriage is a constant ebb and flow where you do fall in and out of love. It's what makes you stronger as a couple. And if after doing all of these things you still feel the way you do, then you have no reason not to move on. It's better for a child to see their parents happy separately, than miserable together. That's coming from a product of a broken marriage. So, take the necessary steps to really dig deep into what is the issue at hand, and do what you must. Nobody ever said that marriage was easy! And nobody ever promised the fairy tale marriage! Being an adult just is hard sometimes. But you will get through it in the end.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. You'll be stronger in the end.
M.

Hi L.,

I' so sorry to hear you have been struggling with this issue so long; four years is a long time. I couln't help but notice you describe your husband as a wonderful man and great father but you make no mention of what type of husband he is. You mention you're irritable and annoyed with him "all the time." Could something on his behalf be prompting this? Is is something you're unable to acknowledge. You indicate that you can't communicate without argument. Are there fundamental value differences that were not evident from the outset. Does your husband know how you are feeling? Love is an emotion and as such it may wax and wane over the course of a long term relationship. Commitment is a behavior that can be maintained. It may be beneficial for you to see a licensed counselor to address whether the source of your disatisfaction lies within you or within your relationship. I wish you, your daughter and your husband the best.

E.

You do not sound happy - yet, what you'll have to figure out is, if divorcing him will make you happy, after all. If you could remember times when you're happy in life, does that include or exclude him? If you could forget about what everyone else thinks, do you rather be with him or without?
I do remember having a better relationship with my husband before I had my child (now almost 4) - i too feel sometimes i "settled", and that I'm not so crazy about him. Yet, i don't have any desire to divorce him, because i have no desire to be with any other man, just in fantasy ;). i just wish for less arguments and what i call "roomates" issues! The remote control does not work to "turn him off" temporarily... I have also noticed there are 2 people in me, mom and girlfriend, and they don't coexist in the presence of my daughter, but a date and a glass of wine break the ice sometimes! I'm just sharing my feelings, i know you got a lot of good advice already. Good luck with keeping your marriage and/or your sanity, they don't always coexist! ;)

I would suggest watching the movie Fireproof, once you get past the bad acting, the movie and it's message is awesome!

Good luck and try to remember what made you fall in love in the first place. Focus on the things that made him attracted to him and try to get away just the two of you!!

Don't settle. What kind of message will that send to your kids?
You say that you have never felt "it" with him, and I don't see how you can get it now.
If you know, deep down, that you tried your very best and it just is not working, you and your kids-- and your husband!-- all deserve better. Good luck!

Well, I read your post, and your after post, and I just have to put my two cents in. You made a commitment when you married, and reaffirmed it when you had a child. You need to find a way to be happy in your marriage. My parents took different vacations for twenty five years of their marriage. They are still together and I know my mother has had the same thoughts as you are having now. They have lives they share, but they work all day and see each other in the evenings and on the weekends. They may not be 'in love' but they have made compromises and now work together fairly well. If you want a divorce, I would suggest that you wait till your daughter is over 18.
That said, you also need to try to make the best of your marriage. Don't fight in front of the child. If you don't want another child with him, don't have another child. Don't cheat, and encourage him to be faithful. Make a nice house for your family and leave divorce for a last resort...
Anyway, good luck, feel better
R.

I have felt that way before and there was a core problem that had not been brought to the surface. I think if you discuss what this could be then you will find your view of him changes. Our issue was pornagraphy. His addiction was causing a great wedge between us. I became irritable, unatttracted, disrespectful and I had no idea what it was. We have also been married for 7 years and our faith in the Lord has reached a new level after his confession. I know our marriage would not have survived had we not had Jesus as our foundation. I pray that the both of you know him and if not then this will be the best place to start to save your marriage. Also keep in mind that you have a family together and this will not only affect you but your child. Just remember that if you divorced and found someone else it may be fun and fresh at the beginning but then your new relationship will have its own new set of problems but just with a different man. So I would work on the one you already have. I pray for the best and that you truly seek God's council. If you do not know how, I would be more than happy to discuss this more.

Where do you live? Could you get down to San Diego? I'm helping our with a "fireproof" event. Fireproof is a movie and a couple is going to get a divorce and then they examine how much more they do for other people rather than with each other. Here's the trailer: http://www.gracepointsd.com/page_dyn.php?page=default&amp...

You can just show up - there will be free child care.

D.

L.: have you communicated your feelings to your husband when both of you are calm? also have you tried counseling from a therapist or a pastor? before considering a divorce, please try to do every thing possible to save your marriage so that there will be no later regrets. and last, but surely not least, please pray about your situation and ask others to join you in prayer. may God bless you.

Join the club. Not an easy decision. Wishing you and your daughter the best, with love.

Did you love your husband when you got married? If you did then you need to remember why you loved him. And if you didn't love him, why did you say yes in the first place?
There are ways to improve communication and maybe you could even find some things that you have in common. I'd go that route before deciding to end the marriage. Too many people decide to end their marriages because of selfish reasons. It's not like the old days where people actually worked out their problems instead of taking the easy way out.
When I got married, my dad told me that if both sides gave
%100, not 50/50, 100/100, then they would always be happy. If both sides are giving their all to make the other one happy, then both are happy. My husband and I have done this and it has proved true. I would try to improve your relationship before calling it quits.

I wish you lived here so I could recommend my family therapist. We go for couples therapy one week then I go by myself the next. It's like having a best friend that helps you to see things you may over look. We have never been better as a couple or a family.

You should find someone good to talk to. I never thought it would help my husband but he has gotten a few things too. That really makes it nice.

You need good counciling no matter what the future holds so you have a good sounding bord of what your going through.

Take your time this will pass, Its called the seven year itch! Try to see a marriage couselor too! If after you done all that is expected from you both and things still are not right then its best to part ways, but atleast you can say that you tried and you will have no regrets! Good luck. I have been married to my husband 17 yrs already and going for my 18th this Sept.

I recommend seeing a family counselor or maybe a therapist for you. How has you're self-confidence been? Having a child changes so many things in a relationship and in individuals. I've been with my husband for nine years and we've been through some crazy ups and downs. They were times when we clearly did not feel love for one another. But we both remained dedicated to family. We hung in there. And I'm happy to report that we are happier now together than we ever have been. What do you need? What are you looking for? I think you need to look inward to solve this dilemna. Perhaps you are lacking a love for yourself. What would make your life better right now? Romance? Friendship? A wild night? Imagine your husband is the man of your dreams and treat him like he is. He might be.

I feel like we are in the same boat. I would say go to therapy and give it one more try. If that does not work, then you know what to do. My first therapy appointment with my guy is this Tuesday. Good luck to the both of us. Lets' keep in touch.

Hi. I Wanted to share my experience with you and hope that it helps you out in some way as with the other responses. 8 years ago I was on the other end (I was your husband). my husband and I got married in 1997. Everything seemed to be going really good, we both were very much in love with eachother. we had quite of ups and downs, mainly because of money and because he said I nagged too much. I nagged because I wanted respect from his kids. A month after we were married his ex gave up custody of the twins(6 at the time) because she couldn't handle them. I was all up for it. I already knew his kids and we got along great.I know I wasn't there "MOM" but I still took them in as if they were my own. I did everything for them since my husband was off at work during the day, and so was I, i took them to dr's appointments, parent/teacher conferences, plays at school, awards at school I took the time from work to do all this, shopping for clothes, you name it, I did it for them because I loved them, never their mother. from time to time my step daughter gave me really hard times and I would punish her by taking away the tv until her father got home. Never had problems with my son(stepson). my husband and I would argue all the time because I would not let her have her way and punish her, we were arguing almost every day but anyways, after 4 years of this he once told that he wasn't in love with me anymore and that had had fallen out of love with me for some time now and he wanted a divorce. My heart exploded into little pieces and I wanted to die. he explained his reasons and mainly was because of my so called "naggin" because I would complain about his daughter to him, all I wanted was for him to give her the right discipline and for him to explain to her that she needed to respect me. We separated for a few weeks and all that time I could not understand why, if I did everything for him and for his kids, how could he fall out of love with me? After a few weeks of separation, he calls me and says he wants to talk things out. I guess during this time he was doing his thinking and talking to others about his thoughts and he came to realize that he did love me, he was just fed up with all the arguing and that he was holding grudges against me because of my nagging, but that he was greatful of how I've always treated his kids. His dauhter moved back to live with her mom and him and I gave it another shot, (his son stayed with us). well hear we are, 8 years after that incident and we have never been more happier than now. I think God matches you up with a person and it's our job to find ways to make it work. Before 2005 for years I sought out infertility treatments and was told I would never have kids. The doctors were wrong because after the treatments, by surprise on our own I became pregnant and had our baby boy in july of 2006. And ever since we reunited he tells me he loves me every single day. Some things are meant to be and they just take work. And if you guys are always arguing and not trying to find out where the problem is or started then you are going to be miserable. It's good you started counseling and just as my husband found himself and we pin pointed the reason for arguing that made us patch things up and still be married, I pray that you do find yourself and try to work things out for the sake of your daughter, God wouldn't of sent you that little angel if you two were not meant to be. In my opinion, everything happens for a reason. Good luck.

Parroting most of what the "stick with it" crowd says. Counseling, communicating, appreciating what you have, weighing the "cost" for everyone in the family.
Also, may need to take some time away from each other to appreciate what each brings to the table. This does NOT mean getting a divorce. Just a break. Take some time to think what are the top things that are wrong with your LIFE (NOT necessarily your marriage!) and come up with three ways to improve them. Then talk it over with your hubby and see what he can add as solutions to those problems. Tell him what you've already thought up of things YOU can do and open the floor to him for suggestions on what "WE" can do. Do not put the whole burden on him. Echoing what another poster wrote about recognizing that God never intended that our spouses should meet ALL our needs. We're responsible for some, and God is responsible for others. If you're not particularly religious, may want to give it a try. Ask some friends who you know attend regularly where they go and see if they mind if your family (or just you!) tags along. We're a military family and deployments actually IMPROVE our relationships since we both get a chance to "miss" each other. Also, it makes us concentrate our communications on important stuff - the basics of our intimacy, the things we're each doing right, how proud we both are of each other and our kids, and our dreams for the future.
Make the choice to concentrate on what YOU can do, what's positive, and to help the whole team. If you ever played sports, remember there were times when you were tired or hurt but you pushed past because winning was most important to you, the whole team, and to the people watching. Same thing here. The "win" is a much longer game away but it's still important to you, your immediate family and everyone around you.
Best of luck.
:-)
Jen