Question for Moms (Especially for Divorced Moms)

Counseling. Things change in life and you have to learn how to come back together. Try that first. I think divorce is a LAST resort. Trust me, I've been through it all and then some, but my husband and I are still married and work daily to stay happy....it takes effort from BOTH sides.

I divorced my first husband because he threw a tv at me in a drunken rage.

I refused to marry my daughter's dad when I found out I was pregnant after I broke up with him.

I divorced the second because of his repeated attempts to override and undermine my parenting of my child (his step-child) and his constant mocking of my religious beliefs.

I divorced the third after his alcoholism almost led to my house being foreclosed on.

I don't wish I hadn't gotten divorced. I wish I had never gotten married.

Your post makes it sound like you think people go, oh he cheated I am divorcing him, or oh he is abusive I am divorcing him, like there is some simple cause and effect going on.

You divorce because you have no other choice, not because it will make you happier. You exhaust all other options first. Counseling, therapy, police.... You divorce because staying married will harm the kids more than divorcing. After all you made the choice, not your kids, so yes, they come first.

The only people I know who divorced for selfish reasons have continued to divorce the minute a marriage got hard. Their kids hate them for it.

There are a lot of reasons to get divorced other than the big ones you mentioned. You are the only person who can make that decision.

That being said, here's my thoughts. The grass is NOT greener on the other side. Do NOT seek out someone else to fulfill your emotional needs or make you feel loved. Being happy is YOUR responsibility, not your partners. It sounds like you've lost the spark and that can come back. You're through the "romantic" phase and you've both become complacent. Love is a verb. You choose to love and to keep that connection going.

I am divorced b/c of cheating, but beyond that we had taken our relationship for granted and that led to the rest. I am much happier in my relationship now than I ever was in my first marriage, but had I made a conscious choice to change before the affair things may have ended differently - hard to say as hindsight is 20/20.

This why it's so important to do your due diligence before bringing children into it. Yeah, "things" happen, but you should plan what you can.

Yes, you owe it to your children to put good effort into figuring out a way to keep their family whole and healthy, not just living in the same house. That's what your marriage is supposed to be, your commitment to thicker skin and conflict resolution. You owe it to them to figure out what the problems are and find solutions. You owe it to them to determine purpose and goals for your family unit (before they are even born, but definitely now), so that when it gets to a place where you are about ready to chunk it, you can be reminded of why you're there in the first place, and that reason can be bigger than whatever the issue is.

Snap out of it. Your husband doesn't tell you that you're pretty, so you consider leaving for the guy who does? This says more about you than your husband. This is where the rubber meets the road, sweetheart. This is the part that they don't tell you about, the part where you roll up your sleeves and get to work. It ain't always pretty, and it doesn't always feel good.

Each of you is a human being with needs and feelings. If you can't connect on them right now (which is to be expected in human relationships), be committed to getting some help. Be committed to hedge off your marriage from anyone/anything that might take away from it, especially when you are in a troubled season. Learn to recognize the signs of being malcontent, and tend to them.

Has your marriage always been "mediocre"? What was your plan for that when you committed to it? When you committed to bring children into it? These are the consequences of your actions. As long as there is no question of safety, I believe that you have an obligation to try your damnedest to work it out.

(ADD _ What Flaming Turnip said - it's true. )

The first stuff, divorce. The 2nd bunch - marriage counseling.

The "amazing connection guy" - yeah, till you get into the long term real world relationship and then you're right back to the faded chemistry.

I'm answering as the child of a mother who is working on husband #5 now - the grass has never been greener for very long for her.

If you're already scoping someone out, YOU have a problem. You ARE being selfish. The relationship is not about just you, it's about your family. Stop fluttering around "mr. amazing connection" because if you don't focus your energy on your HUSBAND and FAMILY, you'll just let it die and say "see, it wasn't meant to be, there was no connection." Don't do that.

The grass only STAYS green if you work on it. Flowers of romance and "amazing connection" bloom and fade on and off over time. Long term relationships take work. So do the work.

The grass is always greener where you water it.

I have to say, as a divorced mom with kids, that I would seek out counseling in a situation like this.

Not to be really judgmental, but I think it is damaging to ALL concerned to seek out any 'new' relationship (spiritual/emotional or physical) before a divorce is finalized.

Additionally, POST divorce being final (IF divorce is the chosen option) many studies recommend NOT getting involved with a 'new' relationship for a long period of time post divorce. The last I read was waiting one year per five years of marriage. This is to give the person divorcing time to heal...and also to LEARN what went wrong in first marriage/relationship. And also, naturally, to give children time to heal and adjust.

I think getting into a relationship before one is FULLY out of a marriage is just wrong on SO many levels.

Just my opinion

I say this having divorced my daughter's father when she was 4, being a single mom for 8 years and I got re-married last December.

If there is ANY POSSIBLE WAY to save your marriage.... not just live in a mediocre marriage, but save your marriage that should be where ALL YOUR ENERGY GOES. period.

Your happiness counts, but I would say it doens't count as much as the happiness of your kids. That's what being a parent is... you have vowed to provide a stable, loving, home for your kids. If you don't honor that vow and you don't honor the vow you made to your husband you are setting up a role model for you kids that "your word" means nothing and they won't respect you. how could they?

How do you know this new man is a good fit for you? Because the chemistry is there? what will happen to that chemistry when you are juggling visitation and child support issues and all of the things that come with sharing custody? That can wreck a relationship faster than you can say "the grass is not greener".

So, no. I wouldn't get divorced if I was in an "ok" marriage. I would make that marriage better. And I would raise my child(ren) will full access to BOTH parents.

If you want to divorce when they are out of your house.... maybe then you can be selfish. You can't be selfish when your kids are young. Because then you teach your kids to be selfish. So, if you want to throw you kids into chaos.... then yes, divorce their dad and immediately bring a new man into the picture. Good luck with that. In my opinion you are going to have sooooo many more problems with your kids after you do that. You think it's going to be good because you have chemistry with this man? How long have you known him? Do you have similar child raising philosophies? How will you handle when you son gets angry? I don't mean angry over a toy.... I mean MONTHS of anger over your divorce? I mean angry when he hates this new man who you are replacing his dad with? I mean ANGRY for months. How will that affect your chemistry?

I don't mean to sound harsh. I didn't have the option to stay with my daughter's dad. He filed for divorce and left. I would have stayed and tried to work it out then.... and based on how it has affected my daughter I would tell you it would have been MUCH better for her to have us still married, so that she could have stable relationship with BOTH her parents. We didn't have that choice But I took my time to work through my issues and her issues before dating and before getting re-married. We have a good thing now, but it takes WORK no matter what relationship you are in.

You should look at YOURSELF. have you been the best wife to HIM that you could be? Have you taken care of yourself? Have you sought counseling... both individual and together so that you can work on these issues? What does your husband want in a marriage? Is he a good father? These are all things you should explore before making the decision to leave. And when you leave the LAST person you should get involved with is "Mr we have chemistry".

Just my $0.02. Good luck with whatever path you choose. You will ALL need it.

I'm going to read between the lines and assume that there is cheating or potential cheating going on here on the part of the mom. You don't say that this is you your're talking about (for all I know you could be researching a magazine article) but if it is you, know that leaving a marriage for what you think will be a better partner almost never, ever ends well.

When we get married and decide to bring children into the marriage, their best interest trumps ours by far. It's no longer about whether or not you feel happy and fulfilled if meeting your needs is in conflict with what's best for your children. Providing your children with a stable home life where they are raised by two loving parents in financial security is way more important than whether or not you feel chemistry. You don't tear a family apart for the reasons you stated.

What you do, is seek out counseling and work on your marriage. If you husband won't go, then you go. It only takes one person to change his or her behavior to change the dynamic of a relationship (for better or for worse). Put thoughts of "someone else" out of your head and out of your heart and commit yourself 100% to the man in front of you, who you chose for your partner and for the father of your children. Yes he may have changed, but the person you dated and married is still there (and the person he dated and married and chose for the mother of his children is still there in you). Find him. Remind him of why you're both there, in this family, together.

If you do ultimately split up, there is actually research on the ideal time to do it, which is sophomore year in college for the youngest child. Do not split up in middle or high school or even slightly thereafter. It's important for a college freshman to be able to come "home" and have things as they were that first year. I'll see if I can find a source for this, but it's something that we were told by a marriage counselor.

Divorce is for when you've really reached the end of the line and the tension and acrimony are so palpable that the children sense the tension. It's not a good idea to stay in a truly miserable marriage "for the kids" but having kids is a good idea to try really, really, really hard - like at least a year of counseling - before even thinking seriously about going your separate ways.

Your personal happiness is important. However, just divorcing someone because the "chemistry" isn't as there anymore is lazy. Having small children can drain the energy out of any marriage. Seek a counselor, find a babysitter co-op (I have friends I trade babysitting with) and go on dates, do something to try to get that zing. If you don't even try, that's not fair to your children, your spouse, or you. No relationship is going to have that same high you get in the flush of a new one, and if you don't do anything to try to keep the romance alive, it will die.

I don't believe in getting divorced bc things aren't great. I have a friend who did that for the "love of her life" and boy does she regret it. Meanwhile her ex has moved on and remarried and she's all alone. The love of her life isn't so appealing anymore and she misses her ex. She says now she focused on the little tihngs missing instead of the good. But they didn't have kids to consider. A friend of a friend walked away from her husband bc it was just wasn't exciting anymore. They did have 2 young kids. Last I heard she was dating a guy who turned out to be a transvestite. But she kept dating him. Nice for her kids... If the marriage wasn't great, hopefully that kept the number of kids in check. So how long until they're out of the house? 10-15 more years? Worth staying in my opinon. You chose to have them. Live with it. When they're in college or older, then ok. But not before them. Divorce is so h*** o* kids. Shuttled from house to house etc. So unfair unless it's really necessary. There are plenty of years later to seek true happiness. In the meantime I'd stay busy with things that interest me and focus on the kids. Who's to say someone else would make you happy given no one really makes us happy. We make ourselves happy.

I think getting divorced because you have no more connection and don't like each other is actually ok. The reason I say this is because you are demonstrating to your children that a loveless marriage is acceptable. A happy and well adjusted single mom is better for children to see than an unhappy set of parents. That said, if you already have someone in mind as the one who has good chemistry and is better suited for you, then YOU have given up on your marriage. And that's never good. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet and say "I would rather be alone than be in this marriage" and mean it in order to leave. If what you're thinking is that your husband is boring and slightly mean and not at all appreciative of you, and that nice neighbor or friend of a friend seems to really get you... then no, don't leave your marriage. Work on it. If you had sexual chemistry once, you can have it again.

You are looking at a new relationship through the lens of your current marriage. And this second guy... he's not the perfect fit for you. He's simply not your husband and he treats you well. That seems good now, but it's not a foundation for a life together. Especially when it means wrecking a marriage and throwing your kids into turmoil.

I am about a week away from being divorced; we've been separated for six months, and I haven't started dating. I'm simply not ready. I need to figure out how my marriage failed so that when I enter into a new relationship I don't make the same mistakes. I urge you to do the same. Why is your marriage failing now? Why aren't you working to fix it? And how can you be sure you make the same mistakes when the glow fades with guy #2?

No. But, beware the grass is greener thoughts, IMO.

Before you divorce, get couple's counseling. You will have to coparent, even if you are no longer married. You should also consider the well-being of the children in the equation, and how to make a transition for them as well as you. In counseling, you may also find that what you have is better than you thought or that what you don't like can be fixed. How will you manage bills or other day to day things without a partner? How will you feel to be alone (because there's no guarantee you will find someone new or should find someone new quickly)?

I've been married 10 years now. It's not always wine and roses. Nor is it all thorns. There's a thing going round FB right now about loving someone in the day to day of it all. Friend's exwife wanted a divorce basically because she'd fallen out of love for him. He has someone new now, but it really turned their family on its head for several years. Even though they do coparent well, there are still issues. Even though they like their stepmother, the kids still feel conflicted. Etc. Was it the right thing? Her xDH accepted what he could not change, but he wished she would have at least considered counseling at the time. Even an "amicable" divorce can be messy. (And by the way, she doesn't have custody. She has a lot of visitation, but ultimately he got primary physical custody, as did my DH. You need to be prepared for losing time with your kids in this situation. Even if you are primary, there are weekends, holidays, summers...)

There's probably someone else I could marry. DH certainly tried again after his first marriage. There have been days I wanted to chuck him out the door. But that would be a long-term solution to a short-term problem. He left his first wife for many many good reasons, and she would never go to counseling for more than a few sessions. She never worked on herself so she keeps rinsing and repeating. It wasn't about DH entirely.

I also think that sometimes we get wrapped up in this artificial definition of "happy". What is happy? To you? And is there something within yourself that you could be doing vs expecting someone else to make you happy? I fear my SS may fall into this external happiness problem and never truly be happy in the long term. He expects other people to have the job of buoying him up constantly and it's ended several relationships already. He needs to fix that in himself or he will never be happy with one person for long. That is not THEIR problem, but HIS. It doesn't matter how wonderful the woman is if he's an anchor.

So, bottom line, if you do decide to divorce, do it to be happy with YOURSELF and not necessarily pin that happiness on anybody else.

wow. reading most of these answers makes me sad. i was in an "ok" marriage, no passion, not "in love" with him anymore. i divorced him when my daughter was around 2 (she is turning 11 soon). i wasn't happy in the marriage. he was devastated. i felt bad but i just was not in love with him anymore. i don't want to go into details of my own personal divorce story, but i believe that your own personal happiness is JUST AS important as your kids. does that make me a bad mom? i don't think so.

I think it depends.

If you are dissatisfied and not in love with your partner, you should not have to settle for the rest of your life... Especially if that dissatisfaction turns to downright u happiness.

However, I FiRMLY believe that a marriage is a work in progress, and needs to be continually refreshed and revived... That can be done with counseling, vacations, new sex ideas, etc. I expect the chemistry to fade, and hope that when it does (for me) then it will be replaced with the comfort of growing old together; and knowing that I will be able to look back at he hard times, knowing that our relationship made it through those rough patches stronger than before. :)

So while I wouldn't judge someone for leaving a marriage because they lost the spark, I would hope they did everything possible to find it again before giving up.

I have not read all responses, but the thought that struck me when reading your post is that it sounds like you have a more serious problem than lack of chemistry and compliments. You implied that a cheating spouse would be obvious grounds for divorce; it sounds like you are emotionally starting to go down that road.

I see that you say you haven't cheated; it may depend on how you define that. If I knew that my husband felt an amazing connection and chemistry with another woman and thought she was the best fit for him, I would absolutely 100% feel cheated on regardless of anything physical.

That said, I do not think its right to stay together just for the kids. My parents divorced when I was 11. It was hard, no doubt about it. I was angry. It was painful. But I didn't understand it at the time; I couldn't. My parents did what they could to assure us it had nothing to do with us and they really did an amazing job of putting us first. Once I grew up and could understand it better, I realized that they were two human beings who had once loved each other enough to plan a life together, but it didn't work out that way, and they had the strength to change it.

So all I'm suggesting is that you may need to re-frame what is happening now; you seem to believe nothing serious is going on, but that might need another look.

Good luck and I hope you find the strength to pursue the right path for you!