I Have Question

You have way to much drama going on. Here is a glimpse of all the chaos in your life: Your kids are troubled, your kids are hurt, they don't treat you with any respect, they despise you & your fiance, to top it off your future MIL doesn't like you & is calling you a *b*, oh & lets not forget you think you are pregnant.

Since you asked all of us for our input, here it is WAIT. Make up with your kids. Tend to their needs. You had these kids before this new man came along so take care of their needs first. If you want peace & love in your life then make peace with your children. Not only that but being called a *b* by your soon to be MIL is not good either. There is a track record with your relationships & its not a good track record, so look at what you can do to make peace with the people that are in your life and then move forward to have a wonderful marriage with your future husband.

I know if I were marrying a man that had children I would make sure the childrens needs were being met by me & their father before I married him. Life is not perfect but this is no way to start a new marriage.
Maybe you should really think about holding off on this wedding & get your life in order.

Ok, now remember you asked for it.

I'm guessing you had your children when you were fairly young yourself? I say that because you appear to be very immature. Your children are still very young and they deserve to have their mother there for them, which obviously you are not, because of course, you have your new man.

How should you feel? Ashamed for putting "your man" ahead of your children. That's how you should feel. You should also feel remorseful that you let it get to this point. I have an idea. How about you postpone this wedding and work on your relationship with your children? How about you actually be an adult and instead of screaming at them all the time you sit down with them and talk to them?

I can't help but notice that you don't say anything about loving your children, but you make a point of telling us that you love your man.

Have I told you enough for you to figure out how you should feel or would you like more?

You are worrying too much about your love life and not cleaning up your mess with your kids. This wedding is a bad idea and bad timing, in my opinion.

J., I can't say I know how you feel. I have been divorced before but my children were younger. Since you asked us the question I wanted to give my answer.

When we become moms we don't stop being moms for whatever reason. I know you "love your man" but your man should not ever come before your kids. Yes you want them to respect him but honestly they don't have to like him and why should they. He is the outside object that could ruin the chance for their parents to get back together.

I don't know what type of relationship you have with your ex but I would sit down with him and ask him to help you with the kids and talk to them.

The kids never asked to be here and obviously there is something very wrong that you have allowed them to walk over you and that they are feeling the way they are feeling.

I would heal my relationship with my kids FIRST. Whether it be counseling or therapy. They are 14 and 15, that's still very young. So I only pray you make the best choices that you will be able to live with.

i have answer

Your priorities are out of whack. Be a mom then you can be a wife.

My answer will be the same for countdown days #9 through D Day.

Is this the new guy you were reffering to in a previous post? If he really loves you then he'll wait for you and not rush you into this. Put yourself in your kids' shoes, if you were 15, how would you feel about a new "dad"?

It seems as though your children have never gotten pass the divorce. Your ex- sounds like he is stirring the pot.

Some people like lots of drama and they like to pull others into it.
Once you divorced it also sounds like you found an inner strength. Your ex was a abuser mentally and emotionally and now your son is and daughter are following his lead. The 3 of you need to see a therapist so that you all can talk about the ending of the divorce and what you all are feeling and where you would like your relationships to go next.

This is not a one time thing.. It will take a while to sort this out.

Remember, your children deep down are mourning the loss of their family. This will affect the rest of their lives. What they will learn in therapy is that this was done for a good reason, They will learn they can survive this. They will learn that they are still loved and still have a history that was important..

They will also learn that each of you deserve to be loved, to be respected and that you are still a family. If you love your fiance and he loves you, please marry him. Your children are children, they can not run your life.
As they grow up they are going to realize that it was their father that was pulling the strings.

I am sending you strength.

You're kind of getting married at a very volatile time in their lives. 14 and 15 are hard enough without mom remarrying. I was 8 when my mom remarried and I still don't like my step-dad. You really should have made sure your children actually liked the guy before you agreed to marry him. You will prob end up with a long time of not getting along with them at least until they are adults. I moved in with my dad at 15 because myself and my mother did NOT get along at all.
You need to get them into counciling with you and your husband to be NOW or you likely will not hear from them for a long while.

J.,

Just like another post, I too found this difficult to read and understand. Also, you don't tell us how long you've been divorced or how long you've been with your current boyfriend.

It's perfectly normal for children to want their parents to be togehter and for them to be a family unit. Many children are too emotional or immature to understand the reasons why you can't be together. I good way to resolve this would be for the children to get some counceling.

I'm only guessing here, but is it possible that you quickly jumped from one relationship to another. You can't expect your children to understand that. I don't understand it either, as your first resposibility is to your children, not "your man".

Explain to your children that you love them very much and want them to be at your wedding, also tell them that you understand if they don't want to be there.

All I can say is that men come and go. One came in your life already and is gone..but your kids are from your own belly, so their lives should matter. You want to be happy, but they are also a big part of that happiness. You should compromise on their wishes without them disrespecting you or your choice.

I assume you are the "Jessica C" whom we went through all the drama of your divorce with several months ago when you're kids wanted to stay with your ex and then your daughter wanted to live with you, then she wanted to go back.

I guess I missed the part where you thought you were pregnant.

J., I'm sorry, but I have to agree with ALL of the posts from the many, many days in succession - I just hate to see you get into another marriage when you have so much baggage to drag along. Your MIL hates you, your children hate you, your ex hates you - or not - (and yet you were posting that you still had feelings for him). Now you're putting down his ex-wife or girlfriend or somebody (sorry, I've gotten lost in all of these characters) because she likes girls now .... what difference does that make to YOU?

I think you have a LOT of issues that you need to work on BEFORE you get involved in another marriage. Getting into relationships is NOT going to solve your problems. You seem very immature and angry.

I'm not saying to ignore your kids. You will always be their mother, but it sounds like they have not had very healthy role models in their short lives. Maybe it's because YOU didn't have any healthy role models. You have to break the chain of anger and violence at some point.

I would advise you to put everything on hold (that doesn't mean you can't still live with this guy) whether you're pregnant or not and get some help. You seem to just keep 'tromping' through people's lives with the attitude that, 'by God, I'm going to do this MY way no matter what you think.' And that, my dear, will get you NOWHERE!

In another 6 months you'll be posting that this marriage isn't working out - for whatever reasons - and asking for advice on what to do....and you may have another kid by then too. Tell me, THEN, who suffers? You've brought another life into this world who will be just as dysfunctional as you and your children are.

PLEASE slow down - get some help - learn some anger management - learn how to love and be kind and thoughtful.

You will gain nothing by putting down your family, your ex, your kids, your MIL-to-be.....you can't always blame everything on somebody else. At some point, you have to look in the mirror and face the realization: maybe it's ME.

This is NOT to say that you're a bad person. I'm sure you are - somewhere down inside - a wonderful, loving, caring person. I think you've got lost inside and, perhaps for the sake of survival, have become angry and bitter and use this as a defense mechanism to justify whatever seems to be your latest passion.

You are asking for our thoughts and advice and after reading all of the others, I hope you will act on some of it. But, my gut feeling is that you probably won't. Why? Because I have been there and done that - all of it and I had to hit bottom and lose everything before I realized it was I who needed help!

Good luck.