30 answers

My Mother in Law and My Husband's Ex Wife

So I just found out that my mother in law is helping my husband's ex wife plan her wedding. I'm a little hurt...not actually I am hurt. Here is some back ground info: My hubby was married to #1 for a while and had kids. She left him for another man and he was devasted. He then remarried and that one didn't work out either. Then he met me and and here we are. During our relationship there have been times when his ex would call all the time and ask him to help her with whatever but I think once she figured out I wasn't going anywhere she backed off a bit. And to this day she likes to go up to him when we are at children events and rub his arm and ask about friends they use to have when they were together. I just sit there and smile acting like it doesn't bother me. Well, my MIL has told me and my mom recently that the ex #1 is a wonderful person and has a great personality and just so wonderful she doesn't know what happened between her and her son. Well, just recently the ex got engaged. Then I find out that my MIL is helping her with the wedding (she let it slip in conversation) since the ex's mom isn't in good condition. I know I shouldn't be upset but it does hurt. I mean I didn't have a wedding and I don't even have a ring but he calls me his wife and I call him my hubby. And I guess I just want to vent. I don't know. I was thinking about mentioning this to my hubby but not too sure. I don't want to make a big deal out of it and have him think I'm jealous or something. I'm just a little hurt.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

No we are not officially married by the court or by church. We have to be registered at this church for one year before we get married. So we have some more time left. And I don't have a ring because money is super tight right now and we have a big family and all kids play sports and some play two.

More Answers

I'm not sure why you are letting this get to you.

His mom is setting a good example to her grandchildren by participating in their mother's life. Did you expect her to just write them off since they didn't work out? It's NOT the kids fault that the parents couldn't make it work. So she is still involved in her life - so what? They have kids together.

As to YOUR situation? Are you upset that YOU are not married yet? Why not go to the courthouse and make it legal? What's stopping you from doing that?

There's nothing to make a big deal out of. Be thankful that they are pleasant to each other in public...they could be yelling and fighting over the kids. Yeah - she's proving a point that she has history with him - so what? EVERYONE has history, baggage and what not. SO WHAT?!

Be thankful that your soon to be MIL has the manners to behave and keep a good relationship with her grandchildren. DO NOT hold ill will against her. Fix whatever it is that is bothering you about it. Maybe you are upset that you aren't married? I don't know. Since you aren't married are you concerned that she won't help with YOUR wedding? I don't get it. Foster a relationship with this woman. She's a mature woman. If you have kids together - you will want her to be involved in their lives right? Why let some as petty as this bother you and interfere with your relationship with her? I don't get it. I really don't get it.

Get a ring. Get over it. Get married. Get involved. You are a grown woman, not some high schooler. Act like an adult. These are going to be your kids too - so get involved in their life. Just like their grandmother is.

7 moms found this helpful

1. If you want a wedding, talk to your man about it. Get a ring and get married.

2. Don't be jealous of his ex. Your boyfriend's mother (she's not your MIL until you're married) has a relationship with the mother of her grandchildren. Good for her.

3. Why are you standing there with a fake smile plastered on your face while your boyfriend's ex wife rubs on his arm? You should be ON that arm, close enough to him so that it is obvious that you and he are together. I'll bet she only gets that close because you're stepping away.

4. Perhaps when you're engaged, she might like to help plan your wedding. Until you set a date, you have nothing to complain or be jealous about.

Best of luck.

ETA; I agree with Krista. Talk about getting a simple gold or silver band. Or a silver CZ ring! CZ looks just like the real thing and nobody will know but you. There are some beautiful ones out there...like this. $32. Beautiful. http://www.amazon.com/Sterling-Silver-Zirconia-Wedding-En...

Set a date and make it official. Get premarital counseling through your church (statistics have proven that couples who get premarital counseling are happier and more successful).

7 moms found this helpful

Well, first off she's not your mother-in-law.

Secondly, while you're perfectly entitled to feel whatever you feel, your boyfriend's mother is also entitled to spend her time with whomever she pleases. She's also entitled to spend that time however she pleases.

Thirdly, I think people are reading way too much into this. My grandmother is still upset over my uncles first divorce 25 years later even though they never had children and he had three kids with his second wife. My mom is still great friends with the first wife but not the second. Oh well. Tough noogies. You can't control people's friendships and relationships and who they bond with. It's not a slight against you that your boyfriend's mother is still feeling a bond with his ex-wife.

If you want a similar bond then work on your relationship with her. If you want her to help plan YOUR wedding then get engaged and plan a wedding and ask her to help you. Build a bond with her. And maybe you shouldn't call each other spouses when you really aren't yet. You haven't earned it.

EDIT: It's especially NOT out of line for your boyfriend's mother to be helping his former wife because she's the mother of his children. Who better to coordinate the children's participation if your boyfriend and his former wife don't get along than a go-between like his mother who is still friendly with her? Reign it in. For the sake of your boyfriend's children, reign it in. They're much more important than your misplaced feelings of angst.

7 moms found this helpful

You know, there are times when my mouth opens and words come out before my head can stop them. This may have been one of those times.

"You don't know what happened to them? From what I've been told Ex screwed around on your son. I imagine that was the problem."

7 moms found this helpful

I can understand your hurt feelings. My philosophy on divorce is just because you divorced him/her doesn't mean I have to. My older brother has been married twice and is currently married to 3rd wife. I am still friends with all his former wives and whatever happened between any of them is not my business. My mom and brothers/sisters still consider each of them family and that's how it is.

6 moms found this helpful

1. Does MIL really not know why they divorced? Have husband remind her.

2. Are you legally married? MIL may not see you guys as married if you did not legally get married.

3. If your husband and his ex have children together, she will always and forever be in your lives. Figure out how to not let her get to you.. If it means seeing a marriage counselor to learn how to work through this, do it.. It will be worth the time..

4. MIL sounds like she was fond of the ex and had a long time relationship.
It is better for them to be kind and fond of each other.. mostly for the children involved. Nothing worse that them not getting along.. I know I am a product of this type of situation.. it was so awful for me and my sister.

5. You are the "winner" in all of this.. You have the great husband. He loves you, you love him.. Pity the ex.. and continue to just ignore.
The best revenge is indifference.

I am sending you strength.

5 moms found this helpful

Is it really the MIL helping the X that is bugging you, or the fact that you guys didn't have a wedding? Are you married, I'm not sure from your post.

MIL and X-wife have a bond, the children. Those children are MIL's grandchildren... and Grandmas want access to their grandchildren. So they probably stayed in touch because of that. What those two women do together is really none of your concern, as long as it doesn't have anything to do with you and your relationship. In fact, your best case scenario is that the X if s "wonderful" person who is happily married: she will not be interfering with you/your husband and she will be raising your husband's children with love.

Some people just try to make the best out of any situation. I wonder if your MIL is like that? Maybe she forgave the X for the good of the kids and still loves her. Some people can do that. Its really much better than the opposite, which is everyone hates each other and the kids can't be around anyone without a fight errupting.

If you want to talk t your "hubby", make sure its about YOUR relationship... not his X-wife and MIL.

5 moms found this helpful

Sounds like this is -- perhaps totally unconsciously -- MIL's way of saying "I'm disappointed that my son is not married." She may not intentionally be hurting you; she may sincerely still like the ex and want to play the mother of the bride role since the ex's mom can't play it. But I think there is a message in there aimed at her son and at you too. IIf MIL has made comments in the past about your not being married, how did you respond then?

I would not get into this with MIL. She's an adult and can use her time and efforts however she likes, even if you're against it. If you tell her "I understand you're free to do this but it does hurt my feelings," frankly, she could easily respond that she would be glad to help with your wedding if and when you have one.

You have every right NOT to be married but that's how an older generation would see this -- "They aren't married so I'm going to be involved in the wedding that IS taking place." I want to be clear: I'm not defending her or saying the ex is a great person, I'm saying that this is how MIL's generation views these things, and if you want to maintain a positive relationship with her, I would stay out of this whole issue.

5 moms found this helpful

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