23 answers

Ex Husband, New Boyfriend

I just got recently divorced and I have a new/old boyfriend, someone I had dated in the past and we reconnected, I have two little boys and my ex has asked me not to bring the boys around the boyfriend for 6 months. We plan on being together, this is not a short term thing. Is it reasonable to let my ex tell me I can't bring my boys around him? My ex lives in Pennsylvania, I live in Utah with the boys.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

in response to Michelle W. When we decided to divorce he told me he would follow me and go where ever I wanted to go, he would be in the same town so he could see his boys. I chose to come to utah close to family. He then took off to Pennsylvania to live with an xbox buddy. He was not that involed with their life when we were married, and now when he acts like he wants to be it's just surprising.

Featured Answers

I feel that both sides should never introduce the interests in their lives until it is already serious. I'm a single mom and my sister is also. She has introduced every man that she just liked to her three kids. Alayna her oldest has huge daddy issues so it just upsets it even more. I swore I wouldn't ever confuse my son like that.

5 moms found this helpful

I agree with Dawn. You should wait before you introduce them, not because the ex said so but just because it will be hard on the kids.

Maybe before you introduce him as the boyfriend, introduce him as a friend and have the kids get to know him that way... But you should wait before you do that too.

4 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Saw your update, but it does not change my answer.

My mom did not show physical affection either with the guys she dated or befriended.. They NEVER slept over at our house while we were there.. My mom was divorced for 15 years before she remarried and as long as we lived with her, she did not have another man live or sleep over when we were in her care. .. These were all very nice men. So nice we really became very fond of them. Many of them had their own children and we rarely hung out with them, because they were honoring their children as well.

They were nice to us, treated our mom well, but when it did not lead to anything or they started dating someone else we were heart broken..To kids when you break up with your good friends, it is like you are all breaking up.

I am a child of divorce and I will tell you it was always hard to have a guy come into our lives, get attached and then never see them again. My mom would date them for long periods of time.. this made it even harder.. Your boys are very young. Please consider dating this guy on the days you do not have your kids.. MAYBE after 6 months, IF he is going to be around on a permanent basis consider introducing them to him..

Same with your ex, Explain to him you also would like for him to wait before introducing girlfriends to the boys.. Our father ALWAYS had a girlfriend.. We really felt like he wanted to be with us, and yet when we were out with THEM, he gave the girlfriend all of the attention..

Just because the request from the children's father, consider it. you know you really like this guy, but your kids will see him very differently. Boys really have a harder time with their moms dating...

8 moms found this helpful

I think it is a reasonable request and I am surprised at your casuality about it after being divorced with little boys. I would proceed with caution on this one. They are so impressionable.

7 moms found this helpful

I don't think the issue is whether what your ex asks is "reasonable", I think the scary part is you don't seem as concerned.
You're "recently divorced" and are already thinking this guy not a "short term" thing. You "plan on being together" but what does that mean?
Why the rush from one man to another? Why not concentrate on your own life for awhile and not be in such a hurry to get into another relationship?
I think your ex is being generous by asking that you wait only 6 mos. I think a man shows respect for a woman and her children by the way he acts in a selfless manner and puts the needs of the kids first, as should the mom!
In general, kids don't need "daddies" traipsing in and out of their lives.....be gentle on these boys. Your decisions and the way you are treated by men will have a large impact on their relationships with women in their adult lives. Take your time. You are the guardian of these little hearts!

6 moms found this helpful

On your first post I say Don't bring a guy or girl around (AT ALL) the kids for minimum of 6 months

On your updated post I say slow down with the marriage stuff you are moving way to fast. And DONT bring guy around kids for 6-12 months. This is also about showing respect to your children.

Be the better parent. You & your ex are in a power struggle about he did she did stuff. And that is not what a parent is all about. It's about doing what's in the best interest of the children NOT "well he brought them around a girl....". It's not healthy for mommy or daddy to just get divorced & start bringing new love interests around the kids.

When I was a single mom I NEVER let my daughter meet a guy I was dating for almost 12 months, even as she got older it was the same rule. Her dad on the other hand didn't respect her enough to not bring her around woman he dated. She didn't like it & resented the majority of them.

6 moms found this helpful

I am a child of divorce also and I think your husbands request is very reasonable and should go both ways. Neither of you should introduce your new partners until you have dated consistently for quite a while (I even find 1 year reasonable) and are sure the new relationship is happening.
If the new partner is serious about you, he will understand.
Good luck!

6 moms found this helpful

What do your court papers say? You should be take some time before introducing the BF to the kids for the kids sake, not your ex's sake. Remember, the divorce was hard on the kids. It will be difficult for them to see another man in your life. If it's not going to be a short term thing, then you shouldn't have a problem waiting. Meanwhile, go out on dates to get to know your BF all over again, without the stress of the kids having to learn to "like" him. If your kids will be swimming or playing ball over the summer, maybe the BF could come to the park or pool and get to know them there without paying too much attention to you. Then they like him first before they know he's "THE BF". That might be better than inviting him over to the house, and then you won't have to argue the point with your ex.

Addition: Just saw your ***, and you could be right. Perhaps faced with the reality that you are now dating, he's figured out that he was wrong, OR he has a "do as I say and not I do" attitude. Either way, remind him of his own past behavior and ask him what he is planning on doing with his girlfriends and your sons and see what he says. What mostly matters is how your sons are treated by you both. I'd still wait for their sake.

Good luck,
D.

6 moms found this helpful

6 months doesn't sound that unreasonable to me and I do believe your ex has a say. They are his children too. That being said, you are in different cities and quite far from each other, it is not like you have the option to take the boys over to their dad's so you can go on a date. Makes it hard. If you and your new beaux are serious about a relationship, I think it is just fine if you wait a few months before you make him a huge part of your boys life. Take your time, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be.

6 moms found this helpful

What's good for the goose.... If you tell him not to bring your boys around women until it is serious I think the same should go for you. I think 6 months is reasonable.

5 moms found this helpful

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