Deleted - Detroit,MI

I wouldn't have had this serious of a conversation through text messages. Things can get misconstrued very easily and all it takes is someone to think you are saying something in a certain tone etc. and then it offends them. Next time, pick up the phone and call her and say do you really want my advice or do you want me to listen. She can then tell you what she wants to hear. I don't think you were insensitive, but I think you could have handled it differently and said lets talk on the phone or something like that.
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Well.... the only way she could not hear about her husbands exploits would be to cut him out - zip, zero, no communication at all.
Seeing as they have kids together I'm not sure that's possible.
I'm not sure of the scope of her illness (chronic? terminal?) but if she gets to the point where she can't take care of her kids, is her husband the person the kids will go to?
I've had a few friends land bomb shells on me from time to time (once a friend of mine called me very upset and told me his fiancee had just died in a car accident due to a drunken driver running a red light) and all I could say was "OMG! I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say" and then you just listen. I'm no counselor. I've had no training. I have no idea what they should do, but I listen and let them vent, rage, cry, etc and I say how horrible it must all be.
If they ask for advice (ONLY if they ask) sometimes I just tell then I don't know, other times I'll step through possible choices they've mentioned and go through pros/cons and sometimes it helps them hear it out loud.
Additional -
How YOU would respond in her situation is irrelevant.
The woman is in pain and that can really scramble your thinking processes.
I beginning to think you don't have the level of sensitivity that is required in order to be supportive of her. It might be more of a help for her if you took a step back and let her have some space. She'll come to you if and when she's ever ready.

If she's very sick and trying to deal with everything on her own she probably just needs a friend who is going to listen and not lay the blame on her. I would be the person she can vent to and just pray that she gets some relief from the daily stress. By turning the tables and "putting the responsibility on her now" you're just adding to her stress. Now who is she going to vent to? How is she going to relieve that stress? Because honestly, I doubt she'll talk to you about her issues again.

Honestly, yes. I understand what you're trying to do, but I don't think that was what she wanted or needed to hear in that particular moment. She has enough to deal with right now. She probably wanted to vent to you about what a jerk he is. Instead of being that shoulder, you basically laid blame at her feet. I get that she has to be the one to say "This adds to my stress, I need to be proactive and not have any contact." But, like so many things in life, that's easier said than done. It doesn't sound like she was singing a "Somebody done me wrong song." It sounds to me like she was hurt, mad, and betrayed. Also, remember that she's not you. Everyone reacts to things differently. I think you should CALL her once every few days, not text. And go to visit her. Take her out to lunch. Help her do whatever needs to be done while she's grieving over the loss of her marriage.

Yes, I think it was insensitive. What can she do to not "hear" things from him? That's kind of victim blaming. She wasn't "singing a song" about being done wrong, she was sharing a exchange with you. And how could she possibly prevent from hearing such things? He's the father of her children, and still technically her husband, right? Even if she says "I don't want to hear it" she's not in control of him, and if he sprays it at her, she's going to get hit.

There is a difference between bad things happening and our reaction to them. You can absolutely be a friend who helps her manage her reactions, and help her find ways to cope and prevail. But what you texted her suggested that SHE was bringing it all on herself, when clearly it's her husband's behavior that is at fault.

I would suggest you step up and address this with her, if indeed you still want to be her friend and a source of support. Recognize that it probably made her feel like you were blaming her, and follow up with telling her how you don't want HIS awful choices to affect HER happiness, and remind her that you believe she can get through it all. And next time she shares some of the craziness he's putting her through, start by asking her how she feels about it, and steer her in the positive direction she wants to go, without an ounce of blame for HIS lifestyle.

Maybe the better question would have been "What can I do to help you?"

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I dont think it was insensitive. She probably just doesnt want to talk about it.

Why dont you pick up the phone when its something serious?

Yes, your question was insensitive. And stupid. How can she prevent herself from hearing what he says? Presumably they still need to speak to each other about children, finances etc. Is she supposed to be responsible for what he says? Now it's somehow HER FAULT that he says rotten things to her, probably in the course of bare-minimum necessary communication that she needs to maintain with him?

The tone of that question is nothing but judgmental and nasty. It says "I blame you, and I'm tired of hearing you whine." I wouldn't call you back either.

Hello,

I have not read everyone elses comments so I may be repeating. I personally don't think your question was insensitive BUT I do think that when you are trying to communicate with someone regarding something of this nature you should talk face to face or over the phone because text messages can be misunderstood. It sound to me like you are a good friend. A lot of times people don't need to hear their mate get bashed, they know these things unless they are in straight denial. And you were not doing this and I think she appreciates it.

I just think that you may have given her a question that stopped her in her tracks and made her really have to think about her situation. It might have slightly offended her but if you two are real friends she will get over it and realize you are trying to help her and not tell her what to do or bad mouth her husband. As I think that we should never tell anyone what to do in their situation. I know couples who have went thru this and have come out stronger especially when they allow God to help them thru.

However, I do think that you should call her from now on until the situation is resolved. Let her know you didn't mean to offend her and that you only want to be the listening ear so she can vent or etc...I offer these suggestions from experience.

Hope this helps!

That's the problem with texting information like that, you can't hear the tone that the other person is projecting. I think that texting should be for short messages, not things of importance that need more information or explaining than you can give in a text. Ask her what she wants from you (listening to her vents, advice, etc.) & explain that it was not your intention to upset her. Whether or not your question was insensitive is debatable. Her frame of mind is not. She may be ultra sensitive to anything that may remotely sound like criticism even if it isn't...

A TRUE friend will challenge your thinking and try to help you become a happier healthier person in the end. Sometimes that means saying things they don't want to hear. She might be offended for a while. Keep reaching out to her and reassuring her that you care about her and she should come around!

Best wishes!

Depending on how long they have been separated - I think it would determine on how insensitive the question is. If it's been a short time...then probably yes. But then again - I'm a straight forward kinda gal when it comes to consoling my friends. I tell them what I think as my opinion. Depending on what is going on - I will try to sugar coat it a tad so it doesn't hurt as bad - but sometimes I don't either. Truth hurts - no matter how you look at it.
On the other hand if this has been an on going drama in your friends life then - maybe it's not such an insensitive question. Sometimes as time goes by with peoples drama (if it's the same complaint) it gets a little redundant and you get a little more direct on "well then, what are you going to do to change the situation?" type of questions and attitude.

Like I said - the truth always hurts....plain and simple. You are looking outside the box of emotions and seeing a different side of it all. We don't know the great detail of how long this situation has been going on.

I didn't read the other responses but I wanted to just say I see where you are coming from but I've learned the hard way- most conversations should be held on the phone or in person NOT via text. If you'd had this conversation with your friend- A- you might not have been quite so blunt-B-Your tone of voice would have probably been sympathetic, making it easier for your friend to swallow. Texting is great for short and sweet converstations but not ones with emotions attached- you can't properly convey your symathy,empathy or caring in 160 chararacters.