Cell Phone Texting

I am a mother of a 12 year old and I have a older teenage boy. I do not let my children text . I found them doing it very late at night and took the phone away for awhile. Then when they got it back I found them texting to friend some things that I do not want in my home. Again they had the phone taken away.I told them three times and you will not have a phone at all. Again I found them late at night texing to friend and they lost the phone. It is my phone,I pay the bill,in my home .If you cannot follow the rules I clearly stated you will not have a phone to use.

3 moms found this helpful

I have 5 kids ages 15-20 and we do not allow texting until they graduate from high school and then they have to pay for it.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi A., I'm giving this advice as a middle school counselor, my daughter is only 2.

Let me first say that you don't have to listen to me, you still should do what you believe in.

Texting is a huge and important avenue of communication for tweens/teens. Not allowing it, in my opinion, is like not allowing your child to use a telephone. Or write a note. Or send email.

Unlimited texting is like 5 bucks a month (with my service anyway). I know this feels like you are giving in, but in the long run it is better to just add it on to your service and then not worry about paying for whatever texts come in from others because it is just going to get worse. They use it more and more as they get into their teens. You don't even have to tell her you added this service right away, just be nonchalant about it a few months down the line if it comes up.

It can actually be very convenient, you may even find yourself texting to communicate with your daughter about quick things that don't require a phone call, such as "leaving now to pick you up".

Anyway, for kids that age, it is very important to feel accepted and "typical" and not stand out when they are in middle school. You said so yourself, even the most awesome kid (your daughter) still just wants to fit in with her peers. If all the friends are texting (and it is very common, she may very be one of the few who is not allowed) then I would just let her at it. I think there is no harm in it if you monitor it and set the ground rules. I suggest that you make it clear you have access to her phone at any time to read sent/recieved texts. I also think you need to tell her appropriate times to text (never in class, church, restaurant, dinner table, grandma's house, whatever you want your rules to be).

Most of what the kids text back and forth is very innocuous! "hi" "I'm so bored" "me too" etc. It is really just a way for them to stay connected. Junior High kids hate feeling like they are missing out on something, so it can be very reassuring for them to know what their friends are up to at all times.

The only issue I see among girls is that hurt feelings ensue sometimes because text is hard to interpret. EG: "are you picking me up for the dance" "no I can't". If this convo took place over the phone, the old fashioned way, there would be explanations and tone of voice to figure out whats really going on. In text, it leaves a lot to the imagination as to why the friend isn't picking her up and then there is sometimes hurt feelings or awkwardness for no reason. I'm always warning the kids not to use text for "important" conversations.

The other thing to watch out for is if your daughter falls into a crowd of mean girls that they don't use texting to insult, trick, or make fun of others... it is a lot easier to type and anonomously send something over text than it is to say it...

And the boys can sometimes text girls with outrageous stuff hoping to shock them or be funny. Same reason, easier to text something than to say it...

But thse are common issues in middle school that occur with or without text. I do not think you are opening Pandora's box by allowing text, or sending a message of defeat if you spring for the unlimited texting. It really is only a matter of time, you can't keep her from texting forever. In the mean time, as you hold your ground, you are probably just causing tension in you and your daughters relationship, and stress for her to always explain to her peers that they can't text her or her mom will be mad.

Sorry, if this is not what you were hoping to hear, since I am not a mom of a 12 year old who doesn't allow text. But thought I could add my perspective from working with this age group! Good luck in whatever you decide :)

2 moms found this helpful

If you have verizon or t-mobile. they let you read any text message your daughter gets. If she seems to be responsible then maybe give her some slack . Also you can limit her time on them. I know my little sisters are having this problem. I hate to invade privacy. But I overheard a nine yr old today making plans to sneak out and sleep with her boyfriend today. So in this world today you are not being "old Fashion".

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Hi A., my kids didn't have cell's at 12, they were in high school when they got their first cells, and they were mainly for emergencies, not pleasure. They have basic cells that don't have texting or cameras. Cell phones keep kids and parents and kids connected that's all that is nescesary. They had to pass a ponography law on texting because teens have started texting each other boys and girls both nude pictures of themselves, as young AS ELEMENTRY age. The law is calling it child ponagraphy. As parents cells, internets, are we setting our kids up for sucess or danger? J.

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You are not the only one! I have a 12 year daughter, we purchased a third phone- as a family phone so the kids can keep in touch. Our daughter is the oldest so she mainly uses the phone, I put a block on the texting. I am not ready for her to be doing it and I don't feel she is ready for the responsabilty of texting. We can't monitor what messages she receives on her phone there are lots of inappropate messages out there. Maybe in time but not now. I wont even consider it. She may feel all the other kids have texting so she should too, but I still say she isn't getting it.
Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. Good Luck!1

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I have to agree with the other mother's here. I would limit/monitor it, or better yet not let her text at all.

As parents our jobs are to keep our kids safe, not for us to get our kids to "like" us. With all the "sexting" you hear about nowadays (kids texting naked pictures of themselves to others), and all the new ways predators are using technology to lure victims, why even risk it?

And not to scare you or anything, but the statistics show that "good" kids are more often victims of just this kind of thing. Why? Because they are more trust-worthy and don't always need a parent "looking over their shoulder", therefore they KNOW they can get away with more if they want to.

Ps- Here is a good article on the subject ; http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/603

That's just my 2 cents on it ;)

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi A.,

I have a 13 year old daughter. I'm glad I got unlimited texting, because I would have had to file bankrupcy by now! haha

Actually,I had a hard time with it too...at first. I don't like it, really, all the texting. But it's that way in the beginning. It's not all the time. I've also had to tell myself that this is their way of communicating in this generation. We don't like it, because we don't relate to it.

To save your sanity, I'd encourage you to get the unlimited texting...and communicate SOME with your child that way....ie: send a chore list, remind them to take out trash....it's a communication they will respond to. Fighting it is a losing battle.

Our rules are that her phone stays in the kitchen on the charger all night long. She's not allowed to take it into her room.

Hope this helps some.
E.

2 moms found this helpful

I felt the same way. I wouldn't even let my daughter get a cell phone! LOL
My husband and I use texting all the time so we have the unlimited family plan. When we decided to get a cell for our daughter, we just added her phone to the plan. It is a lot cheaper to pay for the plan than all those texts she isn't supposed to get! For a long time it was my husband that was getting all the texts and we didn't have unlimited, he couldn't tell his work buddies to only text work related stuff so we got the plan! We do not have the one to get pictures on your phone so my daughter is mad about that! All I tell her is if you can pay for it you can have it!
I think it is like $5 for 200 texts. So you may want to get that! Then have her do a chore to pay for it!

If you really don't want her to text! Then yes block them! It is the only way to stop paying for all the times her friends send them! Then she can let her friends know that now they are blocked so they have to ACTUALLY call!
Hope this help[!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi A.,

You're not the only one. My son, 15, just got texting capabilities this past school year...to mom and dad only. I read a blog recently that made the absurd statement that teens exclude kids for not having the latest and greatest on their phones. What rot! I teach high school and I polled 150 students and 99% of them looked at me like I was nuts, asked where I got this notion, and then laughed hysterically. The most common comment was "Mrs. F, those people are not friends!"

Hold your ground. I would submit that your daughter is trying to fit in with the wrong crowd. The right crowd wouldn't care if she can text or not.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with Julie. You are the parent. Please do whatever you can not to let peers of your child influence how you raise her. Peer pressure can be a vicious thing...having to compete with peers over who has the most belongings, who wears what clothing/having to wear certain designers, etc. Peers influence so many things...what they want to watch on tv, what music they listen to, their attitudes toward drinking/substances/relationships/sex. Having the wrong type of peer can lead your child down a different road that you may not have expected. Speaking from the experience of having raised a teen who is now grown and in college, I would say to definitely monitor your child's use of technology. The reason I bring this up is that several years ago, our child had questionable friends and we involved the police in attempt to help her see the need to make better decisions...this was done after she went through making the wrong friends and not wanting to seek our advice and had basically shut out all communication with anyone who was not a same age peer in her group. The police officer was very helpful in what he told us, as far as monitoring her communication with peers. What he told us was that anyone who has a teen should have the computer in a common area of the house and not in their room. They should monitor all cellphone use and house phone use, including text messages and time of phone calls. He said that teens should have a curfew for cell phone use/house phone use and should turn the phone over to parents at whatever time the curfew is. In addition to following the officer's advice, we also downgraded our cable television to monitor the programming our daughter watched and help her focus more on school. Taking these steps and having lots of conversations about different things with our daughter put her back on the right track and helped her become a more responsible adult. Just continue to monitor your teen's technology use and interaction with peers.

Best of luck,
J.

2 moms found this helpful

Don't let your daughter tell you she is only one at her age not texting. My almost 12 year old doesn't even have a cell phone,facebook or any of that stuff. She gets mad at us but one we feel she is still to young for most of that stuff and two her dad has been of work or working temp for most of the past 2 years so we can't afford it. Let your daughter be upset. Better upset and safe than sorry.

2 moms found this helpful

I have a 10 yr old son and 5 yr old daughter. I would agree with most of the posters here who are all for limiting to denying phones.

No, not the dark ages, but the unlimited texting can open up your children to cyber bullying, which is not pretty.

Kathryn Sansone is a mother of 10 who has appeared on Oprah.
I like her compromise on her daughter's cell phone (age 14). This is sensible to me. Unlimited texting is NOT an option.
http://shapeupmom.com/wp/?s=cell+phone

No you are not the only one, not even among her peers. Our son was begging for a video console unit (forget it) and he's OK with it now. He realizes he can always play at a friends house.

2 moms found this helpful

I have an 11 year old, and just allowed her to text. On our plan, she gets 1000 text messages both sent and recieved each month for $10.00. If she goes over, she has to do more chores to cover the expense,but so far she is under the limit. Most pre-teens and teens are texting instead of talking these days. Our rule is if her grades go down or she gets to obsessed (ruled by her father or myself) she'll lose it, also she needs to turn it off at night(9:00) and keep it downstairs with the other cell phones. When she first got it she was texting alot but has not come near the limit, now she's had it a couple of months, it's slowed down.
Good luck on your decision

K. E

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A., I have unlimited texting so I only pay the flat rate, no surprises- it works better for our family. I used to keep close tabs on my daughters texting including, to/from times and amount. She did not know we hade unlimited. I told her she had limited texting, which was true... limited by me. If I felt she was using it too much or during times I felt it was not appropriate, I let her know immediatly... I checked it once a week online. She is now 16 and I check it when the bill comes in. To this day she self regulates but knows she has unlimited, as long as she keeps it within reason all is good in her texting world. You decide how much is appropriate for your child, if at all and stick to whatever you tell her, but you won't get any suprprise bills this way. You can also have her "work to pay for any over txt's - if you make the work hard enough the txt's won't be worth it.
One rule I still have is I may pick up and check any message any time, this has not been a problem but I do see how the txt's add up so quickly. a simple answer like "k" on response to a "how r u 2day" is still a text even though it is 1 letter, it adds up fast!
I hope this helps you.

1 mom found this helpful

I haven't read through the rest...so this may be a repeat.

My 7 year old has a cell phone, and while texting his father or myself is free (we DO pay the extra 5 bucks for unlimited texting...my husband works in music and software, we have over 1000 texts a month, easy)...our son pays a quarter out of his own money for each text to his "friends". We just go over the bill each month and tally them up.

1 mom found this helpful

None of my kids have cells phones. They are 12, 11, and 8. They all know that if they want a cell phone, they have to have a job to pay for it and to pay for the use of the phone.....helping around the house isn't a job and they don't get an allowance for that (doing dishes, laundry, etc is part of household....after all they don't pay me to cook, drive them around, etc.) I have a cell phone and all text is blocked so if you want to get them blocked all you need to do is talk to your phone provider. If your daughter feels it isn't fair feel free to let her know about me and my kids.

Marie-anne

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.,
So here is the thing, not ALL Kids have cells phones, but a lot do. They are the “new way to communicate” whether we as parents like it or not. I have a 13 and 10 year old. Neither have a cell phone. That is my choice. When they can tell me why they NEED one and not want one then we will have that conversation.

So here is my question to you and hopefully when you answer it truthfully you will no long be confused about what she should or should not have.

WHY DOES SHE HAVE A CELL PHONE?

Is it for emergencies? – then NO texting - it is not even an option – you can’t type fast enough to save a life.

To call you? – do you text, is that how you want her to communicate where she is and what she is doing? Then maybe

To communicate with friends? – then texting is FOR SURE. – unlimited is necessary

To “fit in”/because everyone else has one/because you gave her one etc – then yes to texting – again unlimited.

Communication is different today, just like our parents didn’t want us on the phone for hours on end, we don’t want our kids texting. But both happened and will continue to happen. Either fight it or go with it.

Know what you want, know what your boundaries are then set hers. You are the parent, you get to decide.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

1 mom found this helpful

I have just dealt with this and am still dealing
with this. My daughter is also 12 and I first got
her texting but limited it to 200 texts but she
went over so I made her pay for it out of money
she had and warned her not to let it happen
again. Then she went over by quite a bit like
100 texts which can become expensive fast.
So I decided her punishment would be to
take away texting completely for a few months
so I had it blocked for $5 a month. Her father
(we are divorced) thought this was ridiculous
she should have unlimited and I was being to
harsh. My fiancée didn't want to seem like the
bad guy so he got her unlimited texts. The first
month was 13,000 texts. The next month there
were 17,000 texts. I had to start taking away the
phone at night because kids are texting her in the
middle of the night and she's not getting any
sleep. Long story short yea it does seem as
if all the kids have texting for some reason
but I would definitely not recommend the
unlimited! Even my ex-husband wishes he wouldn't
have said anything. He's constantly getting mad
at her now for always texting. And yes you can
block it for $5 a month you can Also limit the
minutes they spend and times they can talk.
I think life was much easier then and I could
actually have my daughters attention

1 mom found this helpful

I have 2 kids in school with cell phones. One in hi school, the other in middle. They have unlimited texting so I don't have to worry about the bill. But there r rules. No texting during school, during homework, during dinner, during bedtime or during company visiting. At first they texted like crazy then the novelty wore off and now it's much better. The more u don't let them have it the more they want it. Once they have it with reasonable rules, it works.The bottom line is the connection with friends is so important to them at this time.Texting is just a phone call with typing instead of voice.

1 mom found this helpful

I consider myself to be fairly conservative and strict. I don't think "children" needs cel phones, but once they hit jr hi, my kids get them. First and foremost, it is to communicate with me. They are playing sports, staying after school, going to friends, the mall, etc. I want to be able to communicate with them at all times, and sometimes text is the best way.

Don't buy unlimited if you don't want, buy a package and make her responsible for sticking to it.

My kids are 17 and 13 now. I remember spending hours on the phone at that age and my parents being upset with me. Kids don't talk on the phone like that - they text! If kids are making plans by text, your daughter will not be included. Not on purpose, just because she wasn't available by text (esp at the jr hi age) It's the new age. You need to get used to it.

You can control, follow and monitor their usage. You can block people, etc. Use these security meansures to your advantage. And, set rules. Cel phone gets turned over at bedtime and returned in the morning, etc. Verizon even has a way you can block calls and text during certain hours (school, sleep, etc).

One time, my daughter went to a party and didn't like what was going on. She wouldn't pick up the phone and tell me that with everyone listening! She simply sent me a text and I went and got her! Once she needed tampons and sent me a discreet text. It has been used for similar things many times. Quite handy! In fact, both of my kids are out of town right now with no phone access. I look forward to my text messages each day knowing they're okay!

We had one incident with my son, he was grounded and lost his phone for ONE MONTH. Never a problem since!

It's just like anything else, they have to learn responsibility, respect and limits or pay the consequence.

1 mom found this helpful

Your daughter is responsible for her own phone and texting. If other kids text her and she never reponds I don't think they will continue (problem solved) most kids do have phones and text but many are out there doing very bad things doesn't mean you should let your daughter. Remember it's not what everyones doing it's what you accept in your home don't let anyone change what you feel is right for your daughter.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi there A.,

Well I too have a 12 year old that LOVES to text on the pphone, but I do have unlimited texting on our plan. Now i know you do not want to have unlimited text on your plan but what I still do is give her a limit. she can not have her phone until I get home from work and she can only use the phone until 10 p.m. and if she goes over the amount that I give her for that particular month than the phone is gone one day for every minute that she went over.
Hope this helps you in some way.

Y.

1 mom found this helpful

My daughter has some health, so for safety reasons, she has had a cell phone since she was 7 years old. Recently, I have allowed her to text me, and that's it. There are several cell phone programs where you can pay a flat fee monthly and be able to text - they are as low as $5 - $10 per month. Personally, between the emails, & cell phones, I don't see the need to add in texting. I have seen all too many times when that is all they do in there free time. My daughter told her friends that we have to pay for each one - and they listened. If your daughter's friends don't respect that, maybe she needs to evaluate the choices she has made of these friends.
K.

1 mom found this helpful

Hey A...while it's hard to feel like you're giving into your pre teen child it's also important to remember they need to be given priveleges with associated responsibility and trust! What we did when our daughter was 12 was, NOT give her unlimited txting...but she could have 50/month to start. We also informed her that we could take her phone at random and check her text messages, and that we could track her messages online and see what numbers she was texting and when (so we could make sure she wasn't texting at school). We gave her a good talk about the dangers of texting or responding to unknown numbers they may get a hold of her cell #, and told her we'd trust her to do the right thing but she had to be responsible, follow the rules, and accept that we would be "checking up on her". She has been great with iht and has had her priveleges expanded with good behavior (even though my husband told her he'd still be checking her messages when she's 30) LOL. Good luck with whatever you decide to do =)

1 mom found this helpful

My daughter is actually 14 now, but we did and do have unlimited texting. I don't limit her text, though I could. I do have parental controls on her phone and her phone/texting privelleges end from (summer hours, lol) 12 - 9am. I can also monitor and read her texts shoudl I choose to. I don't have a reason to read them at this time, but I do keep close tabs on her. :) lol
Can I ask why you don't want her to text her friends? Why don't you want unlimited texting?

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.,
I dont have a 12 year old, but I do have a 15 & 17 year old boys. We didnt get them cell phones until they started high school. I know that it was not cool for them because everyone had one in junior high. (heard it all the time)My boys like to text a lot. My son asked for his 15th birthday if he could get unlimited texting! We did but with guidlines. My advice, if she really needs the phone, it should be for emergency use only. Texting is not an option.

Good luck!

A.,

Per text fees can get pretty costly, one time we had to pay $250 in texting fees... for my husband!!!!haaaaaa yea my older child... only b/c we didn't add the unlimited...

So you need to find a balance btwn the added expense b/c they charge for incoming and outgoing vs. unlimited monthly fee and teach your child how to work within limits... hmmm I'd go for the unlimited as you can tell I opted for the unlimited...and its working great...

In the end the phone company gave us a break and only charged 1/2 which was the $250 instead of $500.

Good luck and remember teaching them morals is all you need to do when it comes to leisure stuff...

CB

Believe it or not texting is actually good social interaction for the kids outside of school. Now a days we dont have the neighborhoods like we used to and kids do not interact very much outside of school. I would not take it away just limit it. Give her a little trust and you would be surprised how far it goes. Good luck!

I'm not sure if you know this but -with most providers I think- you can go online and read all the text she sends and receives even if she deletes them. i would defiantly take advantage of this service at every stage during the teenage years even good kids make mistakes sometimes. you want to protect your child and you should let her know that, perhaps there is a solution you can come up with together. she sounds reasonable enough to understand there has to be boundaries & limits to a privilege like texting.

I gave my son a cell phone last year when he was 12 but I restricted the internet and texting as the phone was for my convenience, not his. Within a month he left it in his pants and the phone got washed and died. I've put the number on an old phone because I wasn't about to shell out $250 for a new one. Now he or my 10 year old daughter get the phone when they go somewhere without me. It gets returned to me when they get home. So no texting or cell phone for the most part. Most of his friends have a cell phone so when he needs to call me, he uses theirs. Works for me. My 14 year old niece texts constantly.