Seeking Moms of Junior High/middle School Age Children

I can see I'm not going to win any popularity contests with my response. I'm okay with that. My question is, why would you give your child access to a means of communication and then not trust her to the point where you feel the need to spy on her? If you don't trust her, then why give her texting capabilities? To me that's like giving your daughter a diary and then reading it when she's not around. There is no honor in that. I do realize that teenagers are not always trustworthy and that they sometimes make choices that are not wise. You know your daughter better than anyone. Does she deserve your trust and respect for her privacy? If not than lose the texting option for her altogether. If she can't text then you don't have to worry about who or what she's texting. Spying on her personal communications (or trying to) sends her a clear message that you do not trust her or respect her privacy. Don't expect her to grow up to trust you or respect yours. You are teaching her not to by your own example. You are probably also teaching her to be sneaky in the future because she feels she has to be. That's a real shame. That's my two cents.
E.

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1. Let me warn you - I am somewhat draconian in the way I treat my children.. all that old fashioned I pay the bill I make the rules nonsense.

That said - call ATT and see if you can get a transcript. The police can, so it seems logical that parents should be able too; but there may be some court orders or something involved in that.

My daughter (11) carries a firefly. She can't text. She is swiftly approaching a phone upgrade, but at any point if I can't read her text messages - I'll reintroduce her to her firefly. KWIM? In your position I'd set DD down and explain to her that the fact that she feels compelled to delete her texts tells you that she might be uncomfortable with something she's talking about there... and let the conversation roll on. I'd also have a name that goes with every phone number, and ages and parents names and numbers.

Do I invade her privacy? No - she has no real expectation of privacy - although I would never dig through her room or backpack, I do go through checking for papers and ensuring supplies, and when I pick up - I pick up in there too; and she knows better than to write something she doesn't want me to read (other than her diary - which is between her and her, unless she invites me to read).. at the same time, when some little girls were trying to bully her through myspace, it was nipped in the bud promptly by involved parents because - yes - I read that too, sometimes.

Why do I choose this OPEN door policy? Because I work with girls who have gotten pregnant in high school. My youngest student is 11. Their parents often, "Had no idea" until it was way too late. It's not about catching my daughter - it's about the fact that kids and teenagers still operate on a moral level that is more about not letting their parents down than it is about doing the 'right thing'. Is she taught better? Yes. Does she know better? Yes. How often do I check? Rarely... and she can read mine any time she wants to.

S.

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I am not sure how to get text messages retreived. But you can find out a name from the number by going to whitepages.com and do a reverse lookup on the number.

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There are so many great answers on this post. Coming into this as a middle school teacher, I agree with both sides for different reasons. However, it's incredible important to trust your children without being naive. I have seen the most trustworthy students made the worst cellphone decisions. So, if your 8th grader is deleting her messages or is unwilling to let you know who and what she's messaging, that would send up a major red flag.

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I have 2 sons, 19 and 8 and would never go into their phones and read their private text messages- At 13 you need to start showing trust and respect to her unless of course she has given you reason not to trust her. If you do decide to read her messages- it is up to her to show you, I would not do it while she is asleep or out that just seems a little sneaky to me. Just my opinion of course- good luck, raising teens these days is so hard!

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Just my opinion: If you don't trust her, don't give her texting abilities. My daughter did not have texting on her cell phone until 2 weeks ago, she's in 9th grade! Trust your child, she will be fine, or don't let her have texting.

One more thought: My daughter couldn't have myspace or facebook, unless I had full access to occasionally have full access to her sites. So you could tell your daughter that she can have texting only if you can read her text.

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Dear V. J:

My daughter just turned 13 and is in 7th grade. I do not read her texts. Kids this age are very concerned with their privacy. We have discussed it and I have told her I will not read her texts unless she gives me reason to do so. And I will tell her if she has given me reason to. I also talk to mothers of her friends and volunteer at her school, to "keep in the loop."

I don't know if your daughter has given you reason to read her texts, but I urge you not to snoop for no reason.

L. F., mom of a 13-year-old daughter

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Minor children for whom you are responsible have no rights to privacy. If they were mature enough to make consistently wise decisions, they would be adults. Further, even adults get swept into situations that they never expected when they trust others who are adept at deception. There is equipment on the market (search the web) that allow you to retrieve messages. They are somewhat costly, but an expenditure early could potentially save you and your daughter lots of heartache later.

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I can tell you I worked for Sprint for many years and they do not have records of the text messages that you can get. Only the polics can get a court ordered copy that would be envolved in a court case.

If you are having issues with your daughter and are concrened you need to discuss this with her. You need to open the communication between the two of you. If you do not know her friends names you need to ask her. My daughters both have phones and text non-stop. I know their friends and I stay in the loop. I never read their messages unless there is a reason to. If I think they ar doing something they should not, otherwise I stay out of their business. Being children they may not have the same rights as an adult but they do deserve the chance to become who they want and not worry that the parents will be in to everything. If you open the communication and let them have a little freedom in this area they tend to be more open. If you are always searching for something they will begin to hide more. Just my 2 cents.

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Check with AT&T if you can get information. I know you can remove text messaging from the cell phone. Try that... My huband did that through Centinnel with his son's cell phone.

Oh and if you do cancel the text messaging service on your daughter's cell phone, tell her since she's been dishonest by not allowing you to read her texts, etc. then she will no longer have the texting service. And furthermore, she's how old? You have every right to do what you want since you are the parent ie her private ATM machine.

Again Good luck.

I know that sprint pcs will not divulge that information unless it is a legal issue and there are attorneys involved. Some new "privacy" thing. Not sure about ATT. I just recently looked into this issue as I was having issues with my husband and a "friend" of mine texting back and forth. No luck checking up on the content or even number of texts to/from one number to the other. UGHHHH! ONly could check calls. good luck!

You can enter phone numbers in your google search engine. If it is a landline you can often get a name, address, and even a map!! Also, if it is cell or unlisted, just hit *67 from your own phone. Your own number will appear blocked or restricted and you can hear who answers or even better a voice mail giving you names and likely an idea of a personality type and gender. If you have a voice over internet line, those calls can't be blocked so your number will still show, but maybe not your name ID. Good luck. You can always take away her phone if she is being secretive. If you are worried, your instincts are probably correct.

I have a middle schooler and a high schooler. I don't know the technical answer to your questions. I just have a comment. If you have a concern about the content of your daughter's texts and she will not supply you with the names associated with the numbers, I would likely remove her phone priveleges. My kids know that their computer use and phone use is open to a random audit--rarely used but still my right as the adult and the one who pays for the phone. Don't put the burden of this on yourself, but your child.

I think texting is a distraction for kids, so why give them the option?

call ATT they can go back at least 30 days.

Good luck,

E.

you're kidding right? if you gave your 8th grader a cell phone then you gave her her right to privacy! why in the world would you want to read her txts? If its an emergency, you should be an adult and take it up with her instead of being childlike by sneaking her phone when she is not looking.

Hi V.,

I have to say I agree with T F (somewhat). I had parents who would read my notes, listen to my answering machine messages, etc. I felt like I had no privacy and really resented my parents for it. In fact, I came home one day to find my room completely torn through because my dad was "looking" for something and thought it was in my room.

I would suggest, if you haven't already, discussing any concerns you have with your daughter and laying down some ground rules. No texting while at school or during certain hours of the day and that you expect her to be responsible for the things she says and does. Also, I would think that she knows that you are checking up on her if she is erasing her texts. Somethings should be private and she needs to know what is hers to be private and what is not. I wish you the best.

My son knows he is not ever allowed to have an empty text box. His phone is a privilege, not a necessity and if he doesn't use it respectfully, he will lose it. That being said, I don't check his messages that often but occasionally I do. And he knows it. NOw, granted, he could delete the texts he definitely doesnt' want me to see but honestly, that takes too much work adn he is a good kid most of the time! (I think they all have their moments and 12 year old boys can be difficult and moody) So , set the ground rules - make a contract and have your child sign it (make sure you both work on what should go in it!)

I do not know about getting a transcript of the texts, but we have ATT also and we have used a couple of different features in order to keep tabs on our teenagers (16 and 13). When you are online reviewing the information, you can click on a phone number and enter that person's name; once a name is associated with this number the name will show up every time online instead of the nunber (phone book function must be turned on). We sit down with our kids and ask for the names that match up with the numbers and then enter that into the computer. It has helped us a great deal in tracking who is being called. Another feature that ATT has is the Smart Limits for $4.99/month. This feature allows you to set limits on your child's cell phone in a number of different ways and you manage it all online. For example, we were having a problem with our daughter texting during school hours; with Smart Limits, her phone is disabled Monday through Friday from 8:30 to 3:30. You can set up "allowed numbers" like yourself and the child can make and receive calls from these numbers at all times. Smart Limits have made our life much easier; our daughter has gone from 12,000 texts a month to 6,000 (yes, she does have unlimited!). Hope this helps and Good Luck!

She might not be old enough for a phone if you are worried, I also heard of a Mom that had all messages that her daughter received go directly to the Mom's phone also... I do not know what company this was with but in this area.

Just FYI, there is spyware for Blackberry phones, you just have to install and it will let you read all incoming and outgoing texts, but it is not the cheapest option to give a young teen a Blackberry if you don't trust her. I agree with most of the other moms, if she knows you have access and you just don't trust her, don't let her have the phone for texting. My daughter is in 9th grade, and her phone is in my kitchen after school until homework is done, and at bedtime...no late night texts or texting during family time or homework time...at some point you have to just let go of the worry and let them make decisions on their own, but you can limit the amount of time spent doing it!

AT&T also has "Smart Limits". For an extra five bucks a month you can have her phone "turned off" during certain times, like during school. I tend to aggree with Steph. My kids (13&14) know that I can check messages anytime. Also, I have asked that they let me know when their inbox is full before they delete messages. That way, I know they aren't trying to hide anything.

I have a daughter who is 15 now but at 13 and 14 years of age we had a problem like yours. I printed off my att list of numbers and matched them to her contacts in her phone. Please don't be discouraged by people telling you that she is entitled to her privacy. She is your child and it is your job to ensure that she is safe and that doing the things that you expect her to. While they are starting to learn what responsibility really is they are still children and not completely aware of all of the consquences of their actions. My daughter is an A student, she is in every sport that the school offers, is active in our church and is a wounderful sister to her 3 younger siblings. However, when I started going through her phone i found that there was an 18 year old guy preying on her and she was clueless as to his intent. kudos to you for taking care to watch over your children. Good luck!
R.

If you want to know who she is texting, try using whitepages.com at the reverse phone lookup. As for transcripts, you should be able to get it from the phone company, it might cost some money though.

Hello. I have a 16 yr. old girl and we also have AT&T. I have also asked this question but it was a while back. If I remember correctly they told us that they do not keep records of the actual texts, only the numbers and the times they were done. However, I could be remembering incorrectly. I would suggest calling AT&T and asking them if there is any way to obtain a copy of the messages. If they tell you there is would you please let me know? It would be something I would like to keep in the back of my mind if we should ever need to get them. Hope this helps!

My daughter was doing that also deleting them before I could read them. I told her that the phone is a prevelage and I can take it a way from her if she did not let me read them. I am the parent and she will abide by my rules. So she did quit deleting them after the first time I took the phone away.

V.,

Unless you have very good reasons to check your daughters text messages, I would just let her have her privacy. I saw that some people say children have NO rights. Yes, she is a child, but even children have a right to some privacy. To teach a child respect, you must show respect. To teach a child trust, you must trust her. Allowing her no privacy will only make her untrusting and resentful. Stepping down from my soapbox, now.

That being said, AT&T will let you put parental controls on her phone. And if you click on the phone number on the billing section of your internet acct page you can assign a name to the number she sent a text to. Just sit down with her and ask her who each of the numbers belongs to and assign names to the number. That would not be an invasion of her privacy since it is public record, and if she knows that you know each and every text she sends, she'll be less likely to text people you wouldn't want her to text.

Unfortuneately that is where the responsibility factor comes in. That is as far as ATT will let you monitor it. I have verizon and my 13 yr old is only allowed 100 minutes a month and can text unlimited. I trust him that he is sending smart messages cus i can't monitor him on that but i can monitor how much he sends and when. Thank god for that control. ATT cant offer anything like what you are wanting per a privacy issue i bet. But good luck!

Unfortunately, there's no way to get a copy of your kids text messages. When she's asleep you can at least pull up her address book and write down the names and phone numbers in it. Then you'll know who she's texting with. If you go on your acct at ATT you can click on the phone number and enter a name to go with that number. That way when you pull it up next time, it will show who she's texting with. Good luck. Been there.

I don't know about transcripts, but you may be able to look up names using a reverse number look up. It will only give you the name on the bill, IF the number is not listed. www.whitepages.com

Just wanted to share that the rules in our house, for phones...myspace....etc are that mom and dad have the authority to check at a moments notice. My son has had his phone for 4 years and this has been a system that really works...if someone is sending him messages that we disapprove of then he stops communication with them. To me it is not about not trusting my kids, but about keeping them safe from negative influences....example, an aqcuantaince of his on myspace had pics of her smoking a joint (she is in 9th grade) my son says he has told her repeatedly that is dumb to do, but never the less he is not allowed to send our receive calls/texts from her and he has blocked her as a "friend" on myspace. (I discovered the pic during a unannounced check of his site!) I just want to limit his contact with persons who are making poor choices. The teen years are hard enough with out knowingly putting our kids in the face of temptation....Just my opinion.... :-)

Hi V.,

I do not have an answer for you as to how to read the messages but I do agree with "some" of the moms here. You should do what you can to find out what she is texting and what others are texting her. She may be a very well behaved smart girl but this is a tough world to grow up in and you can't always trust the people she chooses to hang out with and be friends with. 13 is a scary age and one that is filled with peer pressure. Do whatever you can to be "the nosy mom" and protect your daughter when needed. These days we have to at some point "butt in" our kids personal lives......at times I wish my parents had done so more. I was allowed alot of freedom and little discipline and ended up having my first child the month after I turned 18 and I was also a "good girl" all throughout my teenage years and even though I have no regrets about having my daughter, I was very young and had to learn how to be a mother the hard way......
take care and good luck!!

N.

V.,
Unfortunately there is no way other than a court document that will provide you actual text to text messages. You can refer to Title 3, United States Code. I believe that's the legal jargon that covers what you want. I have a good friend who was going thru the same thing with her 10th grader and another AT&T user. My daughter doesn't have text messaging and she's seriously begging for it. She'll be 16 soon. Ususally only law enforcement can pursue Title 3, it's a long drawn out process and they don't usually grant them for parent/child relationship. But it can be done. Don't let anyone tell you it can't.
C.

V.,
I have a teenager also who only useses your phone for texting. there is no way to get her messages once they have been deleated. Is it that you dont trust what she is texting? if that is the case then take her phone away or block texting on her phone. As for finding out who she is texting write the number down, and go over the phone bill with her Just ask who this is, if she doesnt tell you call then number. I know my daughter is texing her friends, its what they all do and they do a lot of it. She deleates them too, so there is room for more texting. hope this helps

Well,

You have received a great deal of advice regarding your situation so I won't belittle that point. However, for the parents who say they don't want to "invade" your children's privacy by reading the text messages, may I offer another viewpoint. My daughter is 12 and has unlimited texting. We do not have a land line phone and she is involved in athletics after school so we wanted her to have a way for us to reach her....the texting is a PRIVILEGE, not a right. We told her prior to letting her have text messages that we WOULD be reading them. She has not had a problem with this....she is a straight A student and a good girl, but I also am not naive enough to think just because of these attributes she will never get in trouble. I do trust her, however, I don't trust the world we live in and sometimes a teenager doesn't know the difference between real friends and poor ones. By reading her text messages, we have had some WONDERFUL dialogue about what is going on in her life and in that of her friend's lives. I found out that one of her friends parents are going through a difficult time, thus explaining why the friend was texting my daughter at 1 & 2 in the morning - her parents were fighting and she was scared. (We get her phone at 9:30 and she gets it back in the morning). It can be a great way to dialogue with your kids - if they see it that way, it is less an invasion of privacy and more a means of open door communication. I think it all depends on how you approach it. If your child is defensive about you reading their texts, I would find out why.......if they are acting like they are hiding something, they probably are.