Advice for 16 Year Old Girl

Dear S., Do you think she can get some counselling? I do know that too many kids spend too much time on the computer and as a result they do not cultivate their social skills. She may also need to get out for some exercise. You are still young, maybe you two can go for a walk together once in a while. Best wishes, Grandma Mary

Hi, I just wanted to say that you are very blessed to be able to get her to open up with you and I would encourage this communication as much as you can. Not necessarily this same conversation, but if the 2 of you could figure out in an honest and nurturing way why she thinks she is being left out, maybe you can come up with solutions. For example, if it's because other girls think she is not as pretty or she doesn't have the trendiest clothes, maybe you could treat her to a makeover at a fancy salon and/or take her shopping.
Another idea is to find activities (dancing, join a gym, big brother/big sister club, get a job, etc.) outside of school where she can meet others who may not go to her school and so are not caught up in their mean girl cliques, but who have similar interests. You may have to take her there yourself because there's a good chance she will say no to whatever you suggest. But once she starts something different, she may come around. Let her know that as important as it feels to be included at school, high school is notorious for this sort of thing and it only lasts a few more years, by which time, she will be onto bigger and better things, and people will be more mature by then. Let her know you are there for her, that you are her friend as well as her mom. Has she seen that movie "Mean Girls"? If not, rent it. It just shows that she is not alone, and this happens everywhere to lots of people. It will make her a more humble and mature person in the long run if she can cope now. But please, whatever you do, do not put her on drugs for this! It is natural and she can work through it. There should be a counselor at her school who she can talk to; if not, take her to another professional if she wants. Good luck!

This sounds like true depression which can be very debilitating. Has she seen a therapist? I would recommend that she sees a therapist who can help with talking therapy and the possibility of medication if needed. Certain therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy can help directly deal with the symptoms of depression. Both you and your daughter might be surprised at how much can be done without medications.

We all remember how rough it was being a teenager, but some kids can't handle the hormones. Some kids hormones go in a different direction. It sounds like your daughter may be clinically depressed. She needs a professional to speak with. Please get her some help before it becomes irreversible. It's not laziness, that's the depression talking.

Hi S..
I can tell you,from experience,That your daughter sounds like she is depressed. I suffer with depression and anxiety. It is a chemical imbalance and needs medication to be corrected. When you are depressed you can not just "snap out of it" as many people will suggest. If this is the case with your daughter, she will need to speak to her doctor. He will give her a check list of questions and based on her answers develop a course of action. She may need meds to help her get over it, she may also need to talk to a therapist. With the help of the meds and doctor, she will feel so much better! If we had know the signs when I was teenager, it would have made such a huge difference for me. Unfourtunatly, we didn't find out until I was much older.
Some people can get over a bout of depression with the help of meds just once, and some people need to be on them long term. Only your doctor can help you figure that out. I wish you the best, and please feel free to contact me if you have questions.

S.,

I don't know what steps you have taken, or what advice others have given you, so I apologize if this is all redundant. 1. Talk to her guidance counselor. She what she is actually like in school. See what the counselor can suggest - ie: peer groups. 2. Others on this forum have been saying to get her in therapy. Well, my suggestion is for you to get professional help for yourself, to have someone to talk to about how to handle this, as well as give you time to have support for YOURSELF in this. 3. Professional help for her as well. Obviously something happened for her to get this way.

As I was an extremely depressed teen, and now a 30 something on meds for this, I wish you well. God bless.

M.

Hi S.,

Please get her into some type of talk therapy immediately. Teen depression is not at all to be taken lightly. My son suffered from depression as well at that age. Through therapy and support from my husband and I he was able to overcome it. Being a teen is not easy and especially for a young girl. Girl's can be very mean and it is possible she is being ostracized at school and doesn't know how to work through it. If I had it to do all over again I think I would have taken my son out of the school he was in and move him giving him a fresh start. I don't think she is being lazy, if she is depressed she will not feel motivated, and basically not care about school, or many other things for that matter. My son went on medication for about six months and then continued with talk therapy. High School can be nightmare for some kids.
Trying to not get into trouble, not take drugs, not drink, etc. Sometimes if they don't give into the pressure they won't have friends so even the best kids can caught up just to fit in. I think you are a great mom for being so connected to your daughter, however sometimes mommy doesn't always have the right words that a perfect stranger does. Sometimes they can't tell us the things they need to say. Get her help I am sure it will help. Good luck and keep us posted.

Get her into therapy where she can work out these issues with a professional.

1st make rules about computer use.. one hour a day.. to start.. and 1 hr. tv. then she has to go out for maybe a walk with you... how about summer camp for one week.. what does she like..? does she like running? or sports? or music? she needs to get involved.. she probably needs to find new friends.. so getting involved in something will help. does she like to go see a play?? maybe you can get her to work at a playhouose?? she could help with stage stuff?? maybe even learn makeup?? this will help her feel needed.. and get friends.. her old friends.. have probably left her.. now they are into boys.. or something else... get her involved.. maybe have her sign up for the year book committee.. this coming year in school.. or maybe she would like a camera.. and she could help in school with pictures .. their is so much she can get involved with.. help her find her nitch.. good luck... she needs to be pushed to do something... tell her if she would go to a summer camp for one week.. just a daily camp.. maybe she could work at a camp or the community pool or ymca.. that if she does this for you.. then she could have the computer a little more each day..

seems like you have a bigger problem talk to her dr limit the computer get blood work Could it be a bully at school

Get rid of the computer and get her into some counseling!
Lynsey

S.~
That's so rough on both of you! She's feeling pain and you're feeling pain. Are you able to spend one on one time with your daughter? Out for a girls afternoon...nails, lunch, movie? Does she let you hug her, hold her, rub her feet? Touch is so important to giving love (and accepting it) from another. It sounds as though she's lost faith in herself and mom's got to start the rebuilding process. I know in all of my posts I go on and on about food, but what is she eating? Food does matter. If she's not getting enough vitamin B3 (niacin) and D (sunlight) into her, it can cause serious depression.
Love her up and get her off that computer.
Good luck! If there's anything that I can do to help, please let me know. I have a daughter who's 16! It's always a challenge and a learning curve...for me!
Breathe~
M.

Hi S.,
I am sorry for what you are going through with your daughter. What you are describing sounds like a person (of any age) who is suffering from depression. Depression is a serious issue, not just a sad mood. I have a 14 year old who has been dealing with this for over a year, and things are getting better. I would suggest asking her school counselor for a recommendation of a good therapist who works with teens. True depression is not something you just get over, it is like any other illness, and the right professional help is needed. Sometimes medication is suggested but we declined to go that route.
Good luck

S.
I remeber feeling like this and the only thing i can say now that that was about 30 years ago and nothing really changes as much as it stays the same.
I know what helped me were prayers from family members. I do not want to makke you crazy but this sounds exactly like what I went through and at that age and younger I was a little suicidal now I had a dysfunctional alcoholic dad in the mix as well but I would not allow her to isolate so much she wants you but is hiding go and find that bright little girl who is still in your house but hiding. I believe she is still there if you have the tiniest bit of faith in God use it to cry out to Him he does not always answer as we expect but i have found that He always answers.
Believe me the bright young girl who cared about school and grades is there you just have to give her a reason to come out of hiding.

Let her know you love her reassure her and try to do simple at home activities or go on th net with her. Get involved with her and involve her in your stuff. Share yourself with her let your guard down and she will let hers down. I will pray for your family S. He is real!!!!!

I read many o the other posts. Yes, trying to get her involved is important as well as counseling. But, don't push her into anything - she'll pull away even more. Encouragement works well, but even as adults - we hate to be pushed, but as teenagers - we rebel against it!

But - I do want to ask - did something happen. Maybe it is just hormones, but if it was more like a lightswitch, I truly wonder if something happened to her. Bully, drugs, abusive boyfriend? I ask about them all b/c bullies are still very common in high school, drugs are ridiculously common and she may be keeping that from you (and easily). Abusive boyfriends are more and more common, verbally, emotionally, and physically. She may have gone through something and she's not willing to share it with you right now but it may be the cause of her behavior.

Whatever it is - be there for her and allow her to talk to you openly without judgment. Take her to a therapist, and you may want to go as well so you know how to help. Teen groups are a good idea also. I wish you much luck and pray that she gets through this time well, as do you.

Hi S.
Im work with teenagers, they could possible be a lot more going on with your daughter. Do not allow this to go any further, speak to her primary physician and get a referral a psychiatric evaluation.

Get her into counseling. SO many teens feel lost and feel like they don't fit in. There is a high incidence of self injury behavior with teens and depression. Don't feel like you did anything wrong. It can be genetics and it can be just society today. I think we are seeing so much depression with teens and adults these days.

She is depressed- get her into some counseling. It sounds like she is willing to talk about it, which is wonderful. Some short-term talk therapy should work well for her and help her to identify the sources of the depression and ways to work through it!

It sounds like there's a lot going on in her, biochemically/socially/emotionally/etc.... I'm sure you'll get a lot of good advice, and I'd like to add one thing to complement the other ideas presented.

There's a field of personality study called the Enneagram. At its most basic, there are 9 personality types and they interrelate in different ways. There's a test you can take online, but I think the best way to learn "your type" is to simply read over them and consider how you respond to the world, what you most long for from life and relationships, etc. The great thing about the Enneagram is that it gives a portrait of how a person is when they're moving towards health, as well as away from health. So it can be a spiritual journey, a way of self-monitoring, and a way of envisioning what one might want life to look like (so as to counter the despair of "this is the way life will always be"). You can look around on the web, or there are several books ("the enneagram in life and work" is a pretty solid one).

I suggest this because teens sometimes can do amazing things if they sense that they're not being "fixed" but are actually participating in the process of discovering who they are. It complements many therapies and, as I said, gives a perspective that really values the different kinds of people/ways of being. No type is right or wrong, it's all a matter of growing into ourselves.

Good for you as a parent, reaching out to her and to others.

Get her professional help ASAP. A.