A Teenager in Love

Hi D.,

Well, I have a different point of view than many other moms will. I met my husband when we were 12. At 15 I knew I was in love with him and I knew I was going to marry him. We have been together for 13 years now, married for 6. I was sexually active younger than I wanted (looking back now) but he is the only man I have ever been with so I don't think it's so bad. (And we didnt get pregnant until we were 21 and married) Don't forbid her from seeing him unless he is a bad influence (drugs ect.) It could be puppy love or it could possibly be the real thing. I'm living proof. My husband has always been my best friend and he still is. I never had any doubt since we were 15 that we would always be together. Now we have three beautiful children together and we are a big happy family. So anyway, what I am saying is use your best judgement with the boyfriend but it really could be love! Teenagers are more grown up than people want to believe.

Good Luck, hope this helps!! :)

PS: There were times that my parents thought we were seeing to much of each other or that he was around to much. But I never gave in and he is still around. And in my opinion I wasnt doing drugs, I wasnt being permiscuious, I was a good girl so I don't think being with one boy all the time made me that bad....and it paid off, he's still around!!!

D. :)

D.-

Well, since I'm only 23, it hasn't been that long since I've been a teenager, so maybe I can help. First of all, how old is this boyfriend, if he's 18 or older, you need to take legal action. If he's around her age, then she can't get married anytime soon without you permission. I think that Dad's lack of a relationship in her life is playing a huge role in this situation. She needs fatherly attention, since she's not getting it, she's seeking it elsewhere (this boy). He needs to take an active roll in her life and your other child(ren). I highly doubt your husband is okay with the idea of his little girl having sex with some guy. He's either in denial or oblivious. As for the fear of her having sex, unfortunately you can't stop her, but you can educate her as much as possible. Birth control, condoms, STDs. I would have her watch a video of a woman giving birth, I don't think she'll be so quick to jump into sex after seeing that. If you can, I would even talk to the boys parents and let them know the situation and maybe they can help. But do not forbid her to see him (unless he's over 18), she'll just want to defy you even more just to spite you and next thing you know, you'll be raising your grandchild. Above all else, love her and talk to her and hopefully she'll come around.

Oh what a tough place. First, do NOT forbid her to see this boy. Teen girls (and my 6 year old) are drama queens. If you forbid their seeing each other, she will be angry toward you and she WILL sneak to see him. If she's already sneaking for one thing, there is no reason not to sneak for sex, too.

I would say something like, "I know you love Joe, but marriage is really big. Let's make a deal. Finish high school and then we can talk about marriage." Get her commitment on that. Then you've validated her - told her what she wants IS important to you. And you've given yourself time. Little girls (I'm almost 37 - she IS a little girl) fall into and out of love so fast. If you throw up barriers, she will turn more toward this boy. If you let her discover for herself if he is a jerk, then you're not the bad guy. But, you do have to be prepared to catch her if she falls.

You, my dear are in a hard place. You may want to sit your hubby down and calmly "clue him in" on the situation. Have your words written down or something. Maybe if he realizes the seriousness of the situation, he will get involved.

Good luck!

Hi Danielle,
My name is S., I was a young mother I found out i was having my first daughter at 17, So from my aspect i understand the way your daughter will end up if she's not careful! I think you need to educate her on all aspects of sex, give the option to be honest with you. She needs to know the emotional side of sex and the emotional side of having a baby! My mom was wonderful, she explained things to me and my boyfriend who this oct was 9yrs, so for us it did work out. But playing house at 17 and having a baby trying to be mommy was very difficult we both worked, i finished highschool, it was a struggle that no 17 yr old needs to go through! So be brave talk to her and her boyfriend about se,x condoms, how to use birth control correctyl, I would have her talk to a teen mom, watch a birthing video, have her watch children that are young for a few hrs. Also she thinks she is madly in love i did too i realize now i was older when i fell in love with him. Explain to her that this is a serious matter and love should not be taken lightly, and sex isnt love and it shouldnt be taken lightly either! I know it may be embarrasing to talk about sex but if you cant, dont expect her to be comfortable with talking about it. I dont know your situation with your husband but young girls act out when there dads are not there even if he is there, but no emotional attachment with her is scary needs to be addressed as well. good luck and remeber the worse can happen if no ones talking about it!

Hi D.-
I don't know if you'll like what I have to say, but I have seen a lot of teens in your daughter's situation and maybe I can offer you a fresh perspective. A close friend of mine is a foster parent for pregnant teens and teen mothers, as young as 13 years old. Honestly, you cannot stop your daughter from having sex. If she chooses to do it, the only thing you can do is offer her positive support. Positive support not meaning you should be happy about it, but support meaning educating her about sex and NOT making her feel like a horrible dirty person for doing it.

Talk to her about STDs. Tell her how dangerous they are, particularly the more common ones such at Human Papillomavirus (HPV), which cannot be cured and can cause cervical cancer. Tell her if she choses to have sex with her partner, he needs to be tested for STDs and she needs to be present for the results so that she knows for a fact that he is clean. Likewise, if she choses to have sex, she needs to get tested for STDs regularly herself.

She also needs to use some form of birth control and she needs to use it EVERY time. Make sure she knows condoms are always a must, in EVERY situation.

Finally, help her respect her body and chose only partners that will repect her and her wishes. Let her know that by choosing to have sex she is choosing to make ADULT decisions. No matter what precautions she takes, she needs to be sure she is ready to be a parent in the case the birth control fails. Stress that with the decision to have sex she needs to take responsibility for her actions. She also needs to know that sex will greatly change her relationship- everything in the relationship will be magnified, the good and the bad.

Dealing with teens can be really tough, but I honestly feel that the only way you can truly help her is to educate her and be supportive of chosing a healthy lifestyle. Kids will have sex if they want to, they'll find a way, but hopefully with the education she will choose to wait... and otherwise, at least you can sleep soundly knowing you've taken the right steps to insuring your daughter's sexual health. :-).
Good luck!

First off, at 15 your teen will not listen to "It's puppy love" or "You won't stay together." Second, if she's "in love" there is a likelyhood she is already experimenting sexually with this boy. Forbidding it will drive her further to him, but you don't have to be permissive either. Explain to her the reasons that you don't like this situation, and talk frankly with her about birth control (and STDs). I know your past might be hard, but if there are any instances such as a boy who said he loved you or who you thought you were in love with who turned out to be a liar, it might help to talk to her about it, though, being divorced, it might come across as jaded. If there are any older teens in the family (anyone up to 24 or 25 usually sits well with a younger teen) you might want to have them go out to the mall or somewhere fun and suggest they "have a talk", the relative brings up a breakup and how the guy was a liar or something along those lines. Mostly, though, being honest and having a frank discussion, though it might seem like she is ignoring you, will sit well with your teen.

Oh gosh well I have a step son and he just turned 16 and he just got his GF pregnant and she had an abortion all before anyone knew it. He only stays with us part time and his mom pretty much lets him do whatever. His dad went this same path and his mom had him on his dads 16th b-day. So he knows the road that his son is headed but with out being able to be consistant with him we're at a loss. We can't watch every move he makes and we tell him he doesnt need to be tied down to one person. We stress STD's and pregnancy but basically if they want to they are gonna do it. He has even asked this girl to marry him . UGH and she is soooooo bad 4 him. I think forbidding them is gonna push her further into his arms. know it did me at that age. Maybe try and get her to activities where she can have some group dating or push group activites at school. Somthing of that nature somthing to atleast get her mind off "ONE ON ONE TIME" with this boy. Maybe push family time and include her boyfriend we have learned the more time they spend together the more they get on eachothers nerves lol. And we make sure we're there so no chance of anything happening. I feel for you i think the teenage girl end is much worse than the teenage boy end in some aspects. Hugzzz and good luck.

Be careful! The worst thing you could do is push her away. Try to include this boy in your family and life. Get to know him and his values. I encourage both my girls (13 and 15) to bring their boyfriends and friends in general to the house. Sometimes, I invite them to eat a casual meal with us or go along on a planned event, ie: Zoo lights, music in the gardens. I'm a firm believer in structure and keeping them busy. I also encourage them to hang out in groups. However, don't be fooled by the idea that just because they are in a group everything is okay. Kids find a way to do something if they really want to. I try to stay involved and talk to all their freinds and parents. My husband is also not very involved with the kids or their (private) lives. This makes it even more crucial to get involved.

Does your daughter have dreams (other than this boy)? Career goals? Is she good in school? Does she plan on going to college? You might consider a female mentor/confidant. Somebody to inspire her to have other goals for herself beside boys.

Is she having sex? Can you ask her? Will she tell the truth or at least some version of it? Does she know how to get information without having to talk to you...that is if she won't?

You might try sending her this link. I sent it to my girls with a little note that said...just in case there is something you want to know but don't want to ask.... http://www.teenwire.com/

I also have told them if they can't/won't talk to me they can talk with my OB/GYN confidentially. They have the number and my doctor knows my feeling regarding their privacy. Additionally, they both have a female church mentor and a professional female mentor in their lives.

Good Luck! Raising girls is really hard!

HHMMM I would say, give her rules, But unless he is bad news don't stop her from seeing him, Looking back at me, it may only make her run to him more. I am sure you've talked about sex with her. Even if she says she not, she may be. Give her the tools & knowledge to protect herself, she will probably have sex either way if its already in her head. I am not in any way tring to say anything negative about your daughter I just remember going through things, also I have 2 teenage neices going through it now. Whether its love or not she will find out in time. Just try to be there for her if/when her heart is crushed. Good luck!!

Your daughter is at a crucial and impressionable age right now. The worst thing you can do is forbid her to see this boy. She will be more determined to see him and push you away. I would suggest to include him in activities such as movie night, dinner or just talking to him. I would discuss sex with your daughter and take her to a OB/GYN to get her more information and birth control. It is better to be safe and have her prepared than for her to be in a situation that she cannot handle and may not know how to get out of. You also don't want her to become a mommy at such a young age and miss out on experiencing life and obtaining her dreams and goals. Don't get me wrong, children are wonderful! I have a friend that had a baby when she was 16 yrs old and the father of the baby left her when he found out she was pregnant. I admire her for finishing high school a year early while she was pregnant. She is 26 years old now with 5 children and divorced from her current husband. I hope things do not turn out this way for your daughter. She just doesn't understand that you are there her and will always be there for her. You are looking out for her best interests. I hope things turn out well. Let us know how things go.

I understand where you and your daughter are both coming from. I got pregnant at the age of 15. My parents were very strict on me and didn't let me out with any of my boyfriends no matter how "good" they were. I began sneaking out to be with my boyfriend and soon ended up pregnant. I told them I loved my boyfriend and they told me I was too young. I was always taught to just don't have sex. That's it. So when I began having sex with my boyfriend I only knew what my friends told me. I was too scared to talk to my parents about it because they shunned premarital sex. I wished that we had the relationship where I could ask them to take me to the doctor for birth control, but I didn't. As I grew older, I realized I didn't love my boyfriend but at the time I thought I did. My suggestion is to not keep her away from him unless he really isn't a good example to be around. But you do need to talk to her about birth control. Even if she says she isn't having sex, tell her she still needs to take precautions because you never know what may happen.

If i were you i would put the daughter on birth control. I have a close friend whose daughter met at boy at 16 and the parents talked to them about not having sex and tried to watch them closely. The boy wanted to marry her but the parents said no, so he got her pregnant and then they married when she was 18. Now the daughter is 19 pregnant with child #2 and getting a divorce. The Deprovera shot is good for 12 weeks and you do not have to worry. No matter how much you talk to a child they are alone when the decisions are made. It might be good for the daughter to hear from her father how boys think and with what. A lot of boys will say anything to get into bed with a girl. The boy dating my friends dauther stated that he was not like other boys and he did not think about sex. That of course was not true. Good luck and God Bless. V.

I raised 5 kids. 1st of all you have to have clear , very clear rules.
I told them they couldn't date til they were 16.
A date is a boy, a car,and you alone.
you can go out in groups or have them over to the house. but no date til 16.
second they had to have an after school activity. if they didn't pick it, i would pick it for them.
I made it very clear. point blank.
keeping them busy is the key. then they don't have time to get in trouble. and they respect you more. even though it doesn't feel like it to you.they will thank you later.
i told them.
If you get picked up for drunk driving or simalar, don't call me.
if you get pregrent you will move out and raise your own children.I will not.
I also had curfues.
I don't think i had alot of rules. But the ones i had i stuck to.and they were the big ones.
my youngest is 18.
2 are married.
none of them had a child out of wedlock.
i never got called by the cops.
and today all of them thank me for being tough. i also did it alone.
if you've had no rules til now. your gonna have to sit all of them down and have a talk. start somewhere.
they will love you and thank you for being a good example later. and you are teaching them how to parent.

i was a teen mom. my parents never talked to me about sex. they wore blinders. i was busy with sports and my horses. i thought i was in love but the love turned to hurt and frustration when i had to raise my son alone. we both grew up together and i dont think it was fair for either of us. so what i did with my sons is to teach them forman early age about sex, the consequenses of sex. i have always told my boys that i dont want them to have sex until they are responsible to handle a baby, that means having an education, being able to support themselves and a family and be emotionally ready to give up their lifestyle and dedicate their lives to a child. on the other hand if they were going to have sex i asked them to tell me even if it was embarrassing but i think that by not treating sex like a taboo it made things more comfortable for all of us by having a good relationship and making them comfortable talking to me about anything. i put a cystal bowl in the bathroom with condoms and pamphlets about STD's etc. no questions asked. I know at first the condoms were used to laugh and play games with but my sons and their friends knew it was there. I also told them about a program at our local health dept called "d*** tracy" they walk up to the window and say d*** tracy and they are give a brow paper bag with condoms and information in it. just in case they didnt want me to find out. i made amy home a comfortable place for them and their friends to hang out ( with rules of course) and most of my son's high school years were spent at my home with a load of friends hanging out. i knew where he was at all times. but it may hav backfired because my oldest has been engaged for 8 years and now he says they wont have kids unless i move to oregon with them so that baby can have a nana to grow up with. he is 28 and his fiancee is 31 so the eggs are getting old and im really hungry for a grnd baby

hi i have a 15yr that thought she love him and lean the hard way she did not .i talk to my 15yr to i was blue in the face but it did not stop her. i can tell u from what i when thought that it not easy to go though it. but u real need to talk to her and listen to her and ask her to see him at the house so you get to know him and what he is like. set ground rules and sick to them as for i did not do that and it was a big mistake so hope this help u if u want to know more about what happen i will tell u but it was not a pretty thing R.

I had the same trouble with my daughter she was with the same boy for a year and a half, when he cheated on her she broke up with him and was severly depressed for 8 months, she did bad in school and cryed herself to sleep every night, till she started dateing his best friend they just had a year anniversery, shes 16 now and on birth controle. Her best friend had a baby 3 months after turning 16. I think the love she felt was and is real. Good luck!!!!
U could easily push her away if u try to stop her from seeing him, this is verry real to her

I actually went through that with my step daughter. She was 14 or 15 when she met this kid, they dated and her dad allowed them to. We tried including him in all family functions, but he never wanted to be part of them. Never had boundaries. This boy hurt her made her cry, treated her horribly, and nobody said anything. Of course I did! I was the bad guy! I kept telling her forget about him, find someone else, he's not worth it. She said constantly he would never dump her! WELL...... She ended up pregnant, still he said he was going to be there, the baby was born, he was around for the first 2 weeks of the baby's life, then he dumped her for good. Has not been aroung for the baby at all. I know as a mother it's hard to see your children get hurt, but you have to let them learn the hard way.

just saw this and thought i would respond. when i was 15 i was maddly in love and my boyfriend and i had our babies names picked out. we were together for a year and a few months, and that whole time thought we would marry. anyhow, my parents did not interfere much, as he was at least a nice guy. we broke things off naturally as we grew apart. now, many boyfriends later, i am married to the right person. my parents allowing me the space to love and loose was good for me.
hope it all wokrs out for you.
nicky