C.T. asks from Modesto, CA on April 15, 2007
How to Talk to My Teenage Daughter About Her Sexual Activity.
Hello again ladies,
I know I ask a lot of questions but I have got a lot of realy great advice! So here goes my story.
I have a 16 year old daughter who recently started dateing one boy steady.I recently found out that her and this boy are haveing sex. Now I have had the whole "sex" talk with her.
My question is do I tell her I know? Do I put her on birth control? Does she need to been seen by a doctor? I also have found out that her boyfriend is into some other activities that I do not aprove of. Do I stop her from seeing him altogether. I am afraid of I do this she will find ways to see him. I have limited the time they are aloud to see each other.Any advice will help. Thankyou C.
1 mom found this helpful
M.L. answers from Las Vegas on July 06, 2007
BIRTH CONTROL, BIRTH CONTROL, is all I have to say and find which works for her. That way she won't forget she has that. Plus if you were to refuse them to see each other they will find their way and it will stress you all together even more. Yes tell her you know. That she is having sex with him. I know that with all we have to say they sometimes can't hear us nor do they wish to.
Just protect her from all you can and ask her questions about what it feels like for her and why does she choose to do it. I know it's a big question. But i have been telling mine for years to help me understand why? they feel they need to. With that person. Explain to her if he is it. Get involved in her relationship and do more things with her to maybe slow things down in the relationship. Even if it is a trip to another city or town. Just you and her.
Because when they get to 25 they seem to say it's their life and no matter what we say they want the guy they care about. Even though we may know he isn't.
Look what we have to look forward too.
J.S. answers from Stockton on April 16, 2007
I'd take her to the doctor for a physical and let her talk to her doctor alone and ask any questions she may have. Also just ask her if she thinks she needs birth control pills and/or condoms. I'd rather give them to my child than have him/her get a disease or pregnant.
J.A. answers from Los Angeles on April 16, 2007
I am a FAR way away from your dilemma, but I have some suggestions anyway.
When my oldest niece was 15 (now 20) my mother-in-law would watch her after school. My husband and I were living with her at the time. I noticed one night that some of our “protection supplies” had disappeared. First thing I did was pulled her side and told her I noticed. I then told her that I if she was in fact doing anything with them, she needed to know how to do it right. I told her that I didn’t approve of her having sex yet, but if she wanted to go get Birth Control, I was willing to take her. I reminded her of ALL the dangers of having sex, from STDs, to pregnancy, to broken heart. I also talked to her about what she REALLY wanted in a man. I asked her to make a list of everything she expected of her “perfect man”, the one she’d eventually marry. I instructed her to make 2 categories: The MUST Have’s, and The Want to Have’s. I told her she should then fold it up and put it in her wallet, just as a personal reminder. I also told her she could come to me at any time if she need help or wanted to talk.
I didn’t know it then, but I found out about 6 weeks ago she actually did make the list. (She moved in with us in Feb.) We were talking about a new guy she was pursuing and she told me he was almost exactly what she had on her list. I looked at her confused and she asked if I remembered talking to her that night. I did, I was just shocked she had made that list. She said a few days after we’d talked, she and a friend were talking about what the men they’d marry would be like. She said they each made a list and put them in their wallets. She pulled it out and read it to me. I was surprised, and a little touched. She also said that doing this helped her see that the boy she was dating at that time was NOT someone she wanted to spend her life with.
It didn’t stop her from having sex or dating some HORRIBLE men (okay, boys), but it did help her to see what was really important to her. She was able to see, on paper, what she EXPECTED of a man. It also did open the door for future conversations. She and I talk about EVERYTHING!
I hope at least some part of this is helpful. –Janell-
3 moms found this helpful
M.C. answers from Las Vegas on April 16, 2007
When I want to talk with my teen about a difficult subject I try to approach him when it is just the two of us. I will invite him out to dinner or a long drive. Then I will try NOT TO ACCUSE him of the activity I know he is involved in, instead I will just say, I know alot of kids your age are having sex already and I want to make sure that if you already have or are considering making that decision you have all the facts, etc. Usually this opens the door for him to feel free to talk. He doesn't feel threatened and made to feel that I am prying.
Hopefully this will work for you and if you can get your daughter to admit she is thinking about having sex or the truth that she already is, you can suggest a doctors appointment so she can talk to an expert and get birth control. When I discovered my son was having sex, I purchased condoms for him and left them in his room. Teens are not going to ask for birth control, so I think we need to provide it with out punishing them. I felt that I would rather provide birth control than diapers!
Best of luck,
1 mom found this helpful
V.W. answers from San Francisco on April 17, 2007
You need to talk to her if you can. If you cannot then you need to schedule her for an exam with an OB/GYN - - - she needs to get tested for STD's - - - this may sound silly, but it is serious or could be very quickly - When I was 18 I was raped - contracted herpes and had a baby as a result - both changed the course of my life forever!!!! I have struggled as a single mom - and struggled financially because I had to support my daughter and not finish college....
I have a 16yo daughter myself - I know this is tough, but since you are pretty sure she IS already having sex - your main goals need to be her health and future - meaning preventing diseases and making sure she is very VERY clear about the realistic possibilities of getting pregnant...
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S.S. answers from Honolulu on April 16, 2007
I feel for you and the difficult situation you are dealing with- and I know its only a matter of time before I too, will find myself in the same situation- but heres what I would do: maybe having a "girls day" outing with your daughter- the mall and pizza or something, then kind of casually bringing up the topic; more like explaining the risks and the responsibilty of having sex, but in a non- threatening way that you know what shes up to. And I agree- telling her that she cant see him will only make her want to even more. Maybe you can make it so that he is over at your house, and they can watch movies or eat together and hang out, where you can sort of keep your eye on things from a closer distance than if they were out somewhere else doing who knows what- you know? Taking her to her doctor and getting her on birth control is another very responsible thing to do also, but maybe you can have the doctor explain the risks of getting sexually transmitted diseases from having unprotected sex. I think you are handling this really really well given the circumstances, and by maybe inviting the boyfriend into your family, you will be able to monitor the activities to a greater extent, and also create more trust with your daughter. I hope this helps, and best wishes to you!
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S.G. answers from San Francisco on November 08, 2007
First of all, I DON"T think your daughter needs therapy, as the last responder said. And I don't think you need to pull her out of school and home school her, or call the police or anything of that sort. I work with high school students on reproductive and sexual health, and I believe that her and her boyfriend become sexually active is completely normal. She needs to find a good form of birth control that she will actually use, and use condoms to protect her against STDs. You can't legally put her on birth control anyways in California unless she consents to it. She should choose which kind is best for her, so that she'll actually be invested in using it and not feel like it's a punishment. She should be seen by a doctor just to get the birth control. Yes, they will absolutely find ways to see each other if you limit their access to each other. My advice is to just stay emotionally close to your daughter, tell her you know what you know, and assist her in making good decisions and protecting herself from disease and pregnancy. She is going to need you a lot if she is going to start having sex and becoming emotioinally involved. Just maintain that closeness so you can be there for her. If you know of activities her boyfriend is into, talk to her about it in as non-judgemental, but concerned way as you can. Good luck.
1 mom found this helpful
T.T. answers from Las Vegas on April 16, 2007
My mom was really cool about it when I was teenager with my first boyfriend. She never came right out and said that she knew. We had had many good converstaions about love and sex, and all the business. She made the point that I was at a good age to start getting my anual checkups (can't get birthcontrol with out them), and that teenagers have screwy periods and that birth control would help regulate them. You can try pills or the shot is good guaranteed one. One shot every three months and no worrys about her taking a daily pill. We went with the shot because we didn't want to have to explain to my dad why I was on the pill. (over protective daddy...)
As far as telling her she can't see him, as we all know it will just make her want to see him more. (don't touch the hot plate... ow it's hot!) I agree with the other mom that said have him come over there that way you can at least know that they are safe and not doing bad things. If they go out, try to see if it could be a group thing (ours used to be at the bowling alleys).
As long as you trust that you've taught her to make responsible desicions (for a 16 year old :) ), I would say it's time to let go and trust her. You're a good mom, you'll handle it just fine.
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V.B. answers from San Francisco on April 17, 2007
Take your daughter and get her birth control. And try to get something other then the pill. Most 16 year olds will forget to take it. And you are right about her going behind your back if you try to stop them. It's good that you limit the time they are allowed to see one another. But beyond that there isn't much you can do. The best thing is to protect her from pregnancy and take her in to be tested for STD's. I know it's not something anyone wants to think about but it's better to be safe then sorry. And yes, once a girl becomes sexually active it is best to take her in for a pap smear and other gynecological exam, w/in a year from when she had her first sexual encounter.
J.V. answers from Las Vegas on April 17, 2007
My mom started having the "sex talk" with me when I was dating a friend of mine. It didn't matter where we were at she just started talking to me about it and also about STD's. She even made me an appointment with the OB/GYN and made sure that I was put on birth control. I was about 16 when I got on the pill. So just start talking to her about it and yes she will feel uncomfortable but just knowing that you care, in time she will talk to you about what is going on. You could even do what my mom did, she went out food shopping one day and came home with a box of condoms. She gave them to me but I never used them cause sex was the last thing on my mind but I was happy years later that she did give me a box and from that I ended up using condoms when I was having sex.
You can even get information about STD's and leave them in her room cause she may end up reading about them on her own and then you can ask what do you think about this. Don't be afraid about talking to her about sex. Just keep doing it.