Will You Stop Touching Me!?! ***With Edit***

The longer I go without sex, the more I don't want it. My husband and I were still newlyweds when I became primary caregiver for a terminally ill close family member. As much as I needed his support then, sex was far from my mind. I was so emotionally drained and vulnerable and hurting.... I had to travel without him for weeks at a time with my family member, and I just turned that part of me off. It took a while for me to get it back upon my return.

Recently, I've had to explain to my husabnd that I need to connect with him before he can just shove something inside me. i need to unwind from my crazy day and laugh with him a bit. That's not always reasonable.

My point is that it sounds like you have the answer to why--you are perpetually wound up and need to connect first. You two are on a cycle (neither able to give to the other until your own needs are met) and haven't figured out how to jump off of it. The blame is on both of you, and so is the responsibility to fix it. You're at the point where you might not be able to do it yourself. Are you ope to the idea of therapy? This isn't to "fix" either of you but to help you with your mutual communication breakdown.

(By the way, I don't think that his accusations are because he's doing it. It's more likely that he's protecting his ego. Certain people take this type of rejection very personally. Many people have sex without ever being vulnerable. When you have to ask for it at the risk of rejection, that is humbling, and that makes it more than uncomfortable.)

Sometimes it takes a long time to get things right in the bedroom. It also sounds like you have a lot of frustration and resentment built up in your relationship. IN my personal experience, I had a great sexual relationship with a guy that I was engaged to , but he got someone else pregnant and married her, so I was very hurt. Anyway, I eventually found my husband- we have been married for many years- from 1975 until now. The sex with him is still a work in progress. He is a wonderful guy and sometimes cooks and does a lot of stuff for me. When we were first married though, he was in school and working all the time and I had the whole responsibility of the kids, the house and everything and I was exhausted all the time too. I do think that getting a babysitter so you can have date night is very important. Do you live near your parents, or his parents? Do you have any friends who like to babysit? Ask friends for references to other babysitters. NOthing in this life is perfect. Try not being so honest with him about the sex. Their is a sanscrit word for this -satya- truth with kindness- that works well in many situations. I do hope some of this is helpful. It does get easier as you get older. You will adjust to each other. J. K

Hi H.,
I’m sorry for your frustrating situation and hope that you and your husband can work through this quickly. Sexually issues in a marriage can rapidly spread to cause disharmony in other areas of the relationship so good for you for recognizing it. From your post, you sound completely exhausted so it’s not a real surprise that your sex drive is no where in sight. Try to identify specifically how you’re feeling and what is causing those feelings. Then talk to your husband about how you’re feeling, “I’ve noticed that are intimacy as a couple has suffered because I feel, too tired; too overwhelmed; etc. to response to you appropriately. Let him help you come up with ideas to alleviate the cause. When my husband and I have this talk it’s really me saying something like, I was thinking this, … would help, what do you think? Most men are pretty willing to help out if the end game is to improving your sexual relationship. I don’t think it’s a good idea to mention that you aren’t being satisfied when you do have sex. If he’s throwing cheating out at you when you discuss this, he’s probably already notice a problem and is feeling insecure in the relationship as is and bringing that up will only be hurtful and cause your husband more insecurities instead of helping you guys move to a better place. Besides, once you get help and aren’t as tired you will feel more like taking charge and making sure it’s enjoyable for both of you. I know this probably seems like one more thing to add to your already full plate, but try to focus on making your husband a priority and you’ll definitely reap the rewards of your efforts. Wishing you guys lots of luck and blessing in your relationship.

You and others may disagree, but I found out that the saying "fake it until you make it" works. You give him pleasure and act like he is the King and he will then want to please you more. It take time to work all the things that work to make both of you happy. Some say it takes 10 years to really know each other sexually.

Sounds like you need to have a sit down with your husband. Explain your frustrations, that you need some help around the house, etc... As far as sex, have you ever told him what you like? He may not even know he's not pleasing you!!! You may also want to get your hormone level checked by your gyn. Hormone imbalance can often lead to lost libido.

I have gone through this too. My hubby is in the Army and gone to the field for weeks at a time. Not to mention the year deployments and such. I can relate to the single parent thing and then having to reajust to life as a couple/family. We just had baby #2 and sex is not top of things to do list. Sleep would be nice=) We did a marrage retreat that our Army Chaplin put on. We were able to take the kids and they provided childcare during the day and even for an evening so we could eat dinner as a couple. One of the books that we read and talked about was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It really helped me understand what made my husband tick and he realized what worked for me. So we both kinda know that both our needs need to be met inorder for us to both happy, and I am not just talking about in the bedroom. It is just a recommendation, but if you could get him to read it then it might help out. Then if things in the rest of your life are working more smoothly then hopefully sex will get better for you. I know when my needs are met outside the bedroom, then sex is not such a chore. Good luck to you.

Ive have gone through the same thing with my husband.. and i have found that if u just relax and not stress so much about the everyday things iot does help a little... but i know how you feel cause if i dont give in to him apparently then im getting it else where... so best of luck to you...

Hi H.,
I think we've all been through something similar as we try to find the balance between mommy, wife and self. First I hear that you are not getting enough help around the house, next I hear that your husband (though he wants sex) is not attentive to your needs and not showing you enough affection. All this builds up resentment, and when we have feelings of resentment we are soooo not in the mood for romance!

What I would suggest is to sit down and discuss your needs and your husbands needs in your marriage, daily life, physical relationship etc. Then find some compromises. If it bugs you that he doesn't pick up after himself, maybe he's not aware. If you explain that after working all the hours you work how it feels to have to clean up after him, maybe he will see it from your point of view. The words you choose to use are very important stay away from accusatory statements starting with "You always" or "you never" and start with "when you do this it makes me feel this" or "I feel..."

The sex isn't the problem, it's all these little underlying issues that are causing the problem. Once you clear the air, and set up some quality time together (date night perhaps?) Even if it is just snuggling on the couch with a movie, spending time together, with no expectation of sex, really helps take the pressure off and lets you enjoy one another. Be affectionate with each other, try hugging and kissing each other more often. Hold hands etc. These little things really help to build emotional intimacy.

Finally you need to take time for yourself at least once a week for at least 30 minutes (or more!!!) Whether you take a long bath, get a manicure (or do it yourself) take a long walk or do another activity that you enjoy, taking time for yourself is so important to really balance your life!

Hang in there, you will get through this just keep the lines of communication open and don't let the resentment build up!

**EDIT** One additional note about "date night", my husband and I never get a babysitter. Occasionally my mother in law will sit for our son, but most of the time we would stay home. So "date night" doesn't mean you have to go out, it just means you make a point to spend quality time together. You have to get creative when you have small children, it's definitely not easy!!

I would definitely recommend counseling for you, an impartial 3rd party can definitely help you both work things out and improve communication! Good luck!

I think that most couples go through this.

Here is the thing, sex is the glue that holds your relationship together. That is the whole truth. Men and women are such different animals. Men need sex. It is so basic and it sounds so juvenile, but that is the way that it is. It is amazing how much smoother our relationship runs when my husband feels sexually satified, and that is because when things are going well in the bedroom he feels like we are really connecting. Like we are truly in a relationship and not just two people who happen to be living together in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. That is true for most men.

BUT! It is a two way street. Because generally women feel like they are connecting with their husbands when they are receiving the emotional support that they need, and they are getting help around the house, with the childrens, with errands etc.

Try to think of this as an opportunity to start over. Try to give up that animosity about the fact that your husband always wants sex, and look at it this way, he obviously wants you! and you want something from him.

So, start to try to fill up that sexual gas tank so to speak. Make a REAL effort to make sex a priority in your relationship. And make your pleasure a priority. If he is not giving you what you need in the bedroom then show him what you want. Be proactive! Rediscover what you once enjoyed!

Then decide what you need from him in the way of help around the house etc. and explain exactly where you need assistance and how he can help you, because here's the thing, once he feels like he is getting what he needs he will probably be more willing to help out.

It sounds so stupid, but men begin to feel resentment towards their wives when they are not sexualy satified. It makes no sense at all to us, but it is sort of a primal response.

If I need my husband to do something, he is always more willing if his tank is full. :) Just a thought. Best of luck to you!

I think that the key here is that he is getting his and you are not getting yours. That can lead to a lot of resentment. You need to show him, tell him what you like and when he doesn't get you there.
Focus on your family when you are home. If the laundry doesn’t get done, don’t worry about it. He can figure it out, he will if he has no other choice. If you can’t cook dinner, order it. If you need help around the house, make a list for him, and if he is at the end of his rope too, then maybe you could look into hiring someone to help you around the house. This could be more than you want to pay, but you are not paying someone to clean your house, but rather paying to have that extra time enjoying your family.
You need to take care of yourself and see that he understands what he needs to do to take care of you, mind, body, and soul. He can't read your mind and many men need to be taught and are eager learners. I don't think that I know a man that wants to be known as "that" lover. It should be a point of pride.
I’m assuming you work in the emergency services, firefighter/paramedic? These are fields that are so stressful and you need your family to be your sanctuary, not another thing on your to-do list. Try to remember why you fell in love and maybe take a day and just play and have fun with your family.
If you can't do it alone, there is no shame in counseling and most emergency service agencies offer free counseling to their employees because it is in no one’s best interest for you to be anywhere but the top of your game.
I wish you luck.

Sex is way too important in a relationship to ignore this. I once heard it said that if you're both healthy and together, then sex can be the thermometer to assess how your marriage is doing. Since, communication in this area has been tried with little results, then you should be encouraged that at least he is listening and trying some. That shows something. But, you should consider getting a 3rd party involved to help calm the situation down enough that you guys can talk seriously without letting too much emotion play the game for you. Find a good counselor. Too important to ignore!!! I have been there, by the way. It's not an easy time for either of you. Your frustrated and upset, feel unloved. He's frustrated and feels disrespected. This is totally solvable. And it can get so much better if you keep communicating - but not in an emotional way.

You know I use to feel this same way at one time. I was positively the more control freak ever! I was working, going to school, had 2 kids and still having to get all our finances, house work and every thing else done. My husband is the most carefree and stress free person I know. I think he stresses more about running out of toilet paper more than anything else:)
Anyhow, I got tired of it all. When we first moved in together, I already had my plate full. So, he knew I was not his mother, and he needed to do things like iron his own clothes and mine while he was at it. Over the years, we have finally come to meet on the same page. Literally, if WE are not going to clean together and share all responsibilities 50/50, it was not going to get done. I learned to close the laundry room door, so I could not see the pile building and just chose to not walk into the kitchen if the dishes were piling. Of course, he likes a clean house, so we would both agree to get on the ball the next morning or evening and just attack the house from corner to corner. Eventually, this became a habit and now there is no complaing. He learned to not take advantage of me and over time, I learned that if I just give him a list of things that need to get done, they will, eventually, but the important thing is that it's something I don't have to worry about.
Over time also, because he was doing so much more around the house and with the kids and taking on more things that I just could stop worrying about, I began to appreciate him more. (If only guys just realized how much more they could have going their way if they just cleaned a little more consistently:) I began to want him and want to want him. We have been together for 11 years now and I would say that it took most of those years for us to get to this point. I can't imagine life without him and I know I am blessed to have him.
Oh yeah, one last tip. They really like it when we initiate the deed. Schedule in a couple of quick and dirty deeds within one week. He will freak out! Then kindly tell him that you would so appreciate it if he could help you with X, Y, and Z. He will not know which way is up and will be happy to help you out just in case you were willing to pull a stunt like that the following week.
You love your hubby! You want him to want you! It's not that you want him to stop touching you, its just that you have too much on your mind that you think is much more important. Trust me, if he was not wanting you, you'd be worried about why he was not wanting to touch you. Appreciate the time you have together, but let him realize that even while he is away, life still goes on at home and you need him to pick up the slack while he is home.

Good luck!!!

I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband was in the Corps and I too became self-sufficient and lost my "need" of him and eventually desire. There are some things you might try..

First of all go to a doctor and make sure your hormones are all in order. Granted alot of our sexual desire comes from our head but just make sure that after the baby your hormones are back in place. Second, tell him that you need some sleep because if you are like I was you haven't had any in over 2 yrs (2 with baby and 9 months pregnant). Then let someone watch the baby for a weekend you and hubby go to a motel....local or outta town doesn't matter. A motel is away from home so your not thinking about the laundry, the messy house and it's neutral ground. Then have a few drinks to relax, enjoy sex in the motel.....cuz you can get as wild as you want and not have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Then try talking about issues. I know no matter what my husband is always so much easier to deal with after sex. So yeah sometimes I just give in to ease the tension. Also invest in some "toys", allow him to play with you with them so as to not bruise his ego and maybe you will both get satisfied. That is the "goal" sharing pleasure. Good luck. They do say that the more you do it the more you enjoy it. Give yourself permission to enjoy it again.

Hi H.. oh yea I've been there ! :)
We've since then worked through it, but there was a time when the thought of sex just made me roll my eyes ( not in a good way either ).
I felt disconnected from my husband, he worked alot, and I worked full time too, we lived together but couldn't have felt more separated. Something had to give or it was done.
We started spending alot of time , not sexually necessarily, getting to know one another all over again. Talking, touching, holding each other, crying together, making each other laugh....
It dosen't happen over night, it takes time.
I started seeing that man that used to make my heart beat out of chest when he would call............the beginning came back, ya know what I mean?
Once we recovered us again, the sex fell into place again. Its not easy, but if you still love him, its worth trying. Good luck H. :)

Hey H.:

Not sure I agree with all of the posts. But I do agree that sex is the 'glue', especially when a relationship deals with so many other distractions (child, work) that might otherwise put distance between you.

My father was an Air Force pilot. He discovered that his first wife was cheating on him whenever he flew out or was oversees... I think that insecurity among servicemen is pretty common... One, because they always hear of someone's spouse who is having an affair, they wonder if theirs is too. Two, because the marriage is always in a state of adjustment, either because their coming home and feeling like they are not necessary in the functioning of the household or because the kids are slightly older and the spouse that stayed at home has already adjusted to whatever the new phase is... or because they are about to be deployed and any bond/intimacy that builds while they were home now has to be turned off. Heck, I'm sure you know all this better than me...I'm probably preaching to the choir!

But my overall message is that I suspect he feels displaced in the household when he is home, distanced from both you and your daughter, that he's missed her growing-up, the guilt of being gone... So he reaches out for intimacy and of course, his timing is off and (because here's a lot of insecurity and guilt already there), any rebuffing you do just exacerbates the distance he already senses. Its cyclical. Its a tinder box.

As for him not giving you 'your time' when it does happen... I'd try to think of a casual response to his advance that makes the point with a mixture of humor. Something like, "Hey, if you want to ride the roller coaster, I wanna scream too"... "If you want to drive this car, better make my engine roar", etc.

H.,

It sounds like you have a lot of anger and resentment. You do not like your husband nor do you respect him. I'm not sure where all this is coming from but you need to find the source of your anger and deal with it. If you continue on this path, your marriage will end in divorce, leaving your child to pick up the pieces. It is hard at the end of the day, to find the energy, let alone the will, to say to your husband "I love you and I appreciate you" when we are exhausted from constantly picking up after ourselves, our children, and our husbands. But it is necessary. Your husband needs to hear these things from his wife. I know, I know. You need to hear this, too. You need to be appreciated, too. If you give...you will get. When you keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting what you've always gotten. If you change your way of doing things, he, in turn, will change the way he does things and you will begin appreciating him again. You will remember why you loved him. You will soon find yourself attracted to him-the sex thing will improve and /or you will have a more nuetral zone to voice your desires. I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you are venting. I do hope you consider this for the sake of yourself and your little girl. The best gift you can give to your child is to love her father. You'll have to reprogram the way you are thinking. Open your heart and let him back in. If this is too much, go see a counselor...for you. You can't change someone. But you can change the way you feel about them by starting with you. Also, you didn't mention a schedule for your daughter. Is she on one or is she up until you go to bed? It is SO important for you to have some down time. It's also important for your daughter to have enough rest. (She should be get ting 12-14 hours of sleep including night time and nap). I have a 7, 2, and 1 year old twins. We have dinner every night, whether it's home cooked, out of a box or take out around 6:00 or 6:30. After dinner, while I clean the kitchen, my husband gets the children bathed and in their pajamas. By the time I'm done in the kitchen, it's bedtime and we put the twins down, followed by the 2yo, and the 7yo. All the children are in bed at or before 7:30 EVERY night. We sometimes deviate with the 2yo & 7yo on the weekend or if we have a sitter, but for the most part we stay on schedule. This is the best thing we've ever done for ourselves and our children. They thrive on routine and we get our time in the evening to watch a movie, read or have quiet time alone or with one another. You have a lot of work to do. It’s time you start living and not dying. Life is too short to muddy it up with unhappiness. I wish you the best.

You can't love and want someone physically if you have no respect for them at all. It sounds like you're the one holding the house together and he's just there to enjoy your work and wants to enjoy your body as well. With him trying to tell you it's your fault (gasp! how is it your fault he's not satisfying YOU?) you can't be satisfied if you're not interested in sex in the first place. Explain to him that you do not respect the way he handles his home life. Once he starts pitching in more and listening to what you need instead of what he wants physically it will get better. You need to explain that if you are not satisfied emotionally then he doesn't stand a chance satisfying you physically. I feel for you and I hope that everything gets better for you, you sound like a strong woman!

I don't ususally respond to these things but yes been there done that. I realize you have a lot on your plate but if you have time to read, get Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Men have such different needs that if they are met then our needs will be met. These are God given needs not wants and male and female have these God given needs not options. This is broken into his and her needs and show how to break the "crazy cycle" that continues to whirl up over and over. Another suggestion is find a church that has a "marriage group" and get involved. Everyone that is married has issues howbeit some worse than others but if you get into a group you will see you are not alone and many others have grown through the issues and can help. If you would like such a group, our church has a few, contact me. ____@____.com There are many other good books and this is only one that might help.

It seems like you have already tried being honest about your feelings about sex, tried getting him to change his ways, and tried getting him to be more giving in bed. None of that stuff is working, and it sounds like your circumstances are causing damage to your relationship. In reading your story, it doesn't sound like the two of you have any affections for each other. At this point, I think you need to decide if you want to continue to be married to him. If you do, beg him to go to counseling and work this stuff out with you. Ultimately, he is not going to be willing to go through the rest of his life with no sex, and you are going to continue to resent him for the way you feel he treats you. This problem will get worse. If you do not want to be married to him, if you have lost the love for him, consider separating. It's not fair to either of you.

OMG, I know exactly what you are going thru and I have been like this for about 2 yrs....My little boy will be three soon and I am wondering when will I ever want it or him again...ugh! I think I cant stand his touch and his company because he wants everything his way and now I am just disgusted...I despize being in the same room with him and when we do, it is also the wam bam, thank you mam////but without the thank you part...ahahhahah, So glad to know I am not on this ride alone...Also my husband is the big baby type...I also work long hours and get this,,,my husband is unemployed and still does nothing at all, not even take care of our son..I am hoping this is a phase and I am hoping everything evens out soon or I will have to leave to keep my sanity!!! I drive a truck because my huband demanded that I get a job and make the equavalent to what he was making( this was 6 months ago) He lost his job and now makes around 1300...a month and I make a bit more than that....He is on unemployment...but that will be running out soon. I have urged him to began to look for something because of the scary economy issues...but he is stuborn and only wants to work somewhere that he wont have to work, you get my drift?...he is lazy and selfish and well, that sums it up...I feel for you and I hope my situation helps you....I stay around because I want my little boy to have a father...but I am at my wits end..good luck!!!

Okay, this might get into the TMI range, but you did ask...

All the advice you've gotten about talking and communicating is wonderful. But you know what worked for us, in addition to the talking? Guys like gadgets. Have you considered purchasing one, and letting him use it?

You and he both should read The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage by Dr. Laura. If you don't have time to read then get it on CD or download it and listen to it on your way to work. My husband and I both listened to it and it is a really good book.

Lisa

hi H.,,
I enjoyed your letter it was so up front .MEN will be Boys always wanting what they can't have .TO me if he is accussing you of an affair ,he has probly done it ,,but no man ever wants to be wrong 1st
Hang in as long as you can ,then move on
Good Luck L.