Sex MORE Important than Spending OTHER Time Together

Updated on April 28, 2009
K.B. asks from Aberdeen, MD
22 answers

Hi,
A, I think, general question. Is sex MORE important in a marriage relationship than 1) doing OTHER things together. 2) Just spending alone time talking. OR what? In my thinking they are all equally important OR is it just that MY needs are the OTHER stuff MORE than sex and his SEX??
Just wondering what any one elses thoughts may be?
THANKS,
K.

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K.L.

answers from Washington DC on

I don't agree with the people that say its a gender thing, because in my relationship its quite the opposite (and I have several friends who are the same way).

It comes down to communication. Having a great sex life doesn't mean the relationship is perfect. But having no sex life doesn't always mean the relationship is terrible. Both people in the relationship need to communicate what they want, what they like and how they feel. You need to find something you enjoy doing together - going for walks, to the movies, cuddling on the sofa, playing video games, etc.

If you reconnect emotionally, then the physical will come with it. Physical connect doesn't always have to mean sex, it can be as simple as cuddling or holding hands.

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K.F.

answers from Washington DC on

I think both are important....but yes, I have a hard time getting in the mood if he doesn't spend time with me first....but we are usually both so tired any way!! Work, kids, etc and it's hard to find energy (and we are on different schedules)....but it is important to set aside time to remain close as a couple...and both compromise a little to keep each other happy.

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G.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi, I couldn't really understand the last half of your question but here's my opinion anyway.

I can't say for every couple, but what I've been told my my marriage therapist is that sex is equally important in a marriage as spending time alone talking(assuming this is a monogamou,s committed, I'm-here-for-the-long-haul relationship). My therapist even said we shouldn't say no to each other no matter if we don't feel like doing it.

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A.F.

answers from Washington DC on

K., Your question is describing the difference between men and women. Both husband and wife want to feel loved and connected. Men feel this when they have sex with their lady. However, women feel this when they converse, talking from their hearts. God made us different. So conversation and sex are equally important in a marriage. Blessed are the couples who realize this. AF

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M.P.

answers from Norfolk on

I agree that all of the above are of equal importance. HOWEVER, I find that if we aren't having sex the spending time together and talking is harder to come by. If my husband and I are intimate on a regular basis we always feel more connected in every way. We talk more we hold hands and cuddle more and we enjoy our other time together more. Sex is a key to intimacy for men. Women often can do with or without because we connect emotionally in other ways but I think that men have a harder time doing that without sex. I once heard the key to a happy marriage is keeping the stomach full and the balls empty ;o).

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K.S.

answers from Washington DC on

After nearly 23 years of marriage I have found out that, unfortunately, sex is probably more important to the men than any thing else, 95% of the time. They'll happily spend time doing other things together,if they know it will eventually lead to sex. They will talk, to a point, if they know it will eventually lead to sex. You could be as sick as a dog, and they'll bring you a bowl of soup, if they know it will eventually lead to sex (once you're no longer contagious).I found out the hard way that my husband would rather have sex, with anyone-so good luck and I'll pray for you.

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R.J.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi I think that it should all be equally important. But men may be better able to focu on the other if they are getting their sex needs meet. If you are like me you are probably tired of hearing that mens sex needs are so much greater than a woman's and may feel like it is b.s. but they actually were designed that way. Well, actually let me put it another way their sex needs are different from ours. I do not know if you are a Christian but I found a book that helped me understand my sex needs and my husband's sex needs better. It is called the 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women. It is written my a Christian couple that are also couples therapists. Last name Rosberg. It was very helpful to me. I hope this helps.

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N.L.

answers from Washington DC on

Since our priority is marriage is to meet the needs of our spouse you will need to find out what is most important to your husband. Most men, if interviewed would probably say that respect and sexual intimacy is pretty much at the top of their list of their needs in marriage. That is how they have been created and there is nothing wrong with that. Women on the other hand will probably not agree with the placement of that need and will think that other forms of intimacy should do (holding hands, talking, etc). You really have to talk to your husband about what his needs are then try to meet them. I encourage you to read the book "Love and Respect, the love she most desires the respect he desperately needs" by Emerson Eggerichs. It is the best book on marriage that I have read and it teaches how we can meet each others needs.

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D.T.

answers from Charlottesville on

Hello K., I was coming on to recommend a book called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman... It is the book Becky C was talking about.

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A.H.

answers from Norfolk on

To my husband it is and therefore, to me it is. See, for the longest time I thought sex--sex with my husband that is--was just sex and that if he would rather do that with me than anything else, he didn't "love" me or didn't love me enough. But I have since realized that for men (at least I truly believe most men), the way they show their love for you is through sex. That is something that took me many, many years to understand. But once I understood that and allowed him to show me love in the best way he knew how, he "allowed" me to show him love in other ways (i.e. doing those other things that *I* wanted us to do together).

There have been times in our marriage when sex was put on the back burner....and truthfully, we now recognize that when we start nit-picking each other for what seems like no reason, it's usually because we haven't had sex in a while.

Anyway, about me (so maybe someone will believe I know what I'm talking about--LOL): I've been married to the same man for almost 21 years and we have 3 beautiful children, ages 9, 11 & 15. We still have sex several times a week! LOL! It did greatly help our relationship that we waited over 5 years before having our first child. :O)

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N.B.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi, K., Everyone's needs are different. One secret to a happy marriage is honoring each other's needs. I highly recommend the book "The Five Love Languages." You both should read it!

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S.M.

answers from Washington DC on

I think it is a gender thing - they guy needs sex so he feels valued and wants to be with you, and in contrast, the woman needs to be together (other stuff) so she feels like having sex. I think you need to admit that to each other and be blatent - I don't feel like sex if that's all there is, AND I will try to have sex, if we have this other time together, even when I don't feel like it - all about compromise.

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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I think you would be hard pressed to find many women who don't agree with you and many men who don't agree with him.

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A.B.

answers from Washington DC on

The irony of your question is that for me, if there is no sex, we don't get to the OTHER things. For women, we don't desire sex (usually) if there are no OTHER things. Both are equally important to maintaining intimacy.

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D.S.

answers from Washington DC on

While I'm not exactly sure what you're asking here, your post is ambiguous on the actual question, I do want to say that I think we get ourselves too caught up over sex, and how much sex we're having or not having, in our culture. I disagree with many of the responses you've received already - if you are not comfortable having sex right now or without other closeness first then you shouldn't just have sex to please your man.

Also, another person stated that "A man with a great sex life with his wife is a man that would slay dragons and walk on hot coals for his family." I must say that there were periods when my husband and I went months without sex for various scheduling and parenting-related reasons no doubt, and he was still the most supportive person and would have gone out of his to do anything for us. I was/am the bread winner and he was in school, so that may be a different spin than many others experiences. Sex is important, but it is not the be-all-end-all for a marriage, or as a barometer of such. You both have to work together to understand and meet each other's needs - together! Sex, doing other things together and just spending time alone talking are all important for both of you - minimizing it to a more/less ranking will only frustrate you.

take care of yourself,
D.

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D.U.

answers from Washington DC on

I agree with what others have said. While it depends on the individuals, I believe men, in general, need sex to feel loved while women need the other things (talking, etc.) to feel loved and want sex. My husband wants sex far more often than I do. We agreed on a "frequency" for sex that I won't say "no" and we also started taking walks together after dinner to fill my need to connecting through conversation/time together. Communicate honestly with the goal of getting both of your needs met. I also recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. My husband really likes that book and bought it for several male friends.

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

It depends on the people involved. Some people agree to have a sexless marriage (if they both lack the desire and/or ability). If sex is the only thing you have in common (don't do anything else together), then it's not much of a relationship. It doesn't mean you have to do everything together. I like to putter in the garden, my husband not so much. He likes to go to the range and practice target shooting, me not so much. We love most of the same movies and TV shows. We both have careers in the computer field. I like to cook, he likes to eat. We love our son. We compliment each other literally and figuratively. We've known each other 30 years and our 20 year anniversary is coming up this August. When we took a compatibility test during pre canna class before we got married, we scored 88% - the highest in our class. To answer your question, sex is important, but it's not the only thing. If you love each other, doing things together is not a chore.

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A.T.

answers from Norfolk on

Believe it or not, sex is actually a very important part of your relationship. In fact, how often you have sex can be a fairly reliable barometer for the health of your marriage. Everyone has a different drive or libido. How often are we talking about here? If he wants YOU, try to indulge him. Perhaps you can find a balance where he has it a little less and you give a little more. Other things are important too, yes. Men, however, are not by nature extremely "talkative." So, you have to be careful not to talk his ear off. It is all about balance. Try talking AFTER sex. That way he is more receptive. : )

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

THere are 5 ways that people can express their love: Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch, Affirmations and Acts of Service. It sounds like Quality Time is your primary need and his is sex (Physical Touch-which doesn't have to necessarily be sex). Maybe if you explain this to him, he will understand that you have different needs. Sex is more important to him and time together is more important to you. Somehow you need to figure out a way for each of you to have your needs met in this relationship, but maybe this will help the conversation begin. Neither of you is right or wrong, you each have different needs. There is a book on this. I will try to find the title and post it.

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M.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Hey K.,

It's a double-edged sword. In general, men need sex to feel intimacy and women need intimacy in order to feel the desire to have sex. They are equally important.

Check out Dr. Laura [email protected]____.com if you have other questions on how to keep the spark going, contact me via my website:

www.SlumberPartiesbyMariaElena.com

--M.
Romance Enhancement Specialist

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D.S.

answers from Richmond on

K., as a christian woman and to women in general we have different needs. It's important for us to spend quality time, do things together and communication is VERY important. Yes, as women we probably all feel the same way. To men Sex is the most important. They are all jusT as important. One idea though like I've told all my daughter-in-laws make your man happy (sexually) because there will be someone else who will give your man that. Yes the other things are just as important but men think of ownly One thing!!!!!!! So make him happy and then tell him that you feel these others are just as important. If he loves you it will work! God bless you and have a very blessed day!

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V.D.

answers from Washington DC on

It's weird, to have sex with him, you want to be close together first. For him, he wants to have sex, and then will want to spend time with you. Otherwise, all he'll think about is having sex with you if you're not having sex!

My mom used to always say, make sure you are having sex, men have needs. If that primal need (sorry ladies if this is making you mad, it's true!) is met, then he'll do whatever you want!

I need my husband to just spend time with me, but he needs sex (I do too!) so we have to do both to be happy.

Tell him what you need, time together, listening to you, whatever is it, and try to meet his need to, and everyone will be happy!

I have 3 boys (ages 4, 3, & 2) so I KNOW what it's like not to have much time!!

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