What to Do About Uncomfortable Comments

Have you tried talking with the parent of Janelle? They may have some ideas on how to approach it or address the issue, because guaranteed they have probably had the conversation with their children already (or have dealt with it in their own lives). If you approach them as someone who needs advice they should be understanding and willing to suggest ideas.

Hi. As the caucasion parent of bi-racial children, I hear the "brown skin" comments from my own children. My husband is amused by this and not offended in the least. They are just noticing the differences in themselves as well as others. There are SO many "colors" of skin...and none of them are really "black", so it seems better to refer to them as brown/tan/mocha, etc. As long as the child is being honest, there is no harm in that type of comment, or at least that is how our family feels! Teaching them to accept others no matter what they look like is the key- color of skin, disability, type of family, etc. It sounds like you are getting lots of advice saying the same. Best of luck!

I just read a great article in our latest ECFE newsletter siting a book that discusses how to teach children about differences in others. I found the article very informative as it gave some really concrete ways to teach our children how to navigate these kind of "touchy" social situations.
My son also will also refer to his friends by the color of their skin at times, innocently enough but as a couple of women mentioned on here even at this young age an innocent remark made by an 8 year old friend can have a lasting mark no matter how well meaning the child who made the comment was. So I found the article very helpful on how to teach him to still notice (and celebrate) differences in others without that being all he sees.
The book she sites is called, Hate Hurts; how children learn and unlearn prejudice and here is a direct link to the article:
http://www.district279.org/services/CommunityEducation/Ea...
Thank you to those of you who posted other suggestions and your own opinions, it has given me more insight into this subject and its not really a subject that is easily broached in a casual situation so your honest and direct answers are appreciated and helpful.
K. H

my son was saying so and so has 'brown skin' as well.
I don't really make a big deal about it; I've just said, 'well, that's nice; isn't it fun that everyone is so different?' 'Wouldn't it be boring if we all looked the same?' I would just keep it simple and nonchalant at 4- he thinks of it no different than someone with different color eyes than him, you should too when responding. I would just acknowledge that he observed a difference in people in a very positive way. I thought it was cool, when my kids made that observation - it means they are paying attention to the world around them.

Hello, my son is also 4 yrs old and he has the "brown" skin. I am white and his father is african american. My son describes my mom as his white grandma, his dad as his chocolate daddy, and him and his sister are brown. For my son its just way of describing everyone. Some people may have an issue with it, but being so young I would not worry about it unless the comments get bad. As in bad I mean, I dont like her because of her "brown" skin. Things of such. If he is just using it to describe her. Like you made a comment about curly hair. Would it be different if he were to say Janelle is my curly haired friend. He is describing her. Just my opinion since thats is how my son describes himself.

my daughter does the same thing...it is a way for us to talk about the differences/similarities in people. i think how lucky she is that she has diverse people in her life and will get to know these people as people. i really never met a person of color until I was in college and it was a learning experience to become naturally accepting of others.

I would ask your son what his/her name is and to refer to his friend by his/her name. I think it's innocent too until he does it in public and others find it offensive. I'd try to correct his speech so he is referring to people by their name and not their features or skin color:)

We are ALL people of color. I have never seen a transparent person! I am the proud mom of three, soon to be four, beautiful children. I am very pale brown, my husband is from Cameroon and is rather dark brown. As a result my kids are a gorgeous cream mocha. All of them know they are brown, at least more so than Mom, and less so than Dad. We love the differences in our household. We LOVE the differences in our extended families. One side is all dark and my side is all very light.

My kids are not the only ones who notice this, of course! Kids are smart, they see the world for what it is. Because a child calls someone "brown," they are not implying anything about that person other than they are brown. It is just that simple! If someone is offended because a child refers to a friend as "brown," then we all need to look at our own hand against a piece of white paper. I showed my boys this little trick when they were 2.5 or 3. Simple way to explain that skin color classifications (i.e., white, black...) is not true to name, but it is important to see a person for who they are, skin color and all. I want my kids to see skin color, not to act as though it doesn't exist. To deny that trait of someone is to take away a piece of that person's being.

My kids are medium brown and we all love it, especially their very pale cousins who are facinated by the beauty and difference of my children's skin. And my children, too, love and notice the beauty and difference in their cousins on both sides.

My point, EMBRACE your child's innocence and nurture their attention to detail.

As a woman of color with a biracial child, I struggle with some of the comments. I know that they come from a well intentioned space, and as I have seen children of color grow up, they are hurt by comments that may seem innocent. I would echo a lot of what others have suggested about talking to your child about how people are and look different and how that does not mean that one person is better than another. Then, be consistent with your actions and aware of what your child is seeing on television or reading in books. I'm sure that most of us know that children are incredibly perceptive, so if you are inconsistent with your message of all people are different but equal nonetheless, they will notice. The final thing that I would suggest is having people of racially and ethnically diverse backgrounds in your life as well as your children's lives. Hopefully that will get your child into a space of talking about differences early on. I hope this helps. I am happy to talk more if you would liike.

I have recently dealt with this and my 6 year old. His comment was that "Brown people smell funny." That was his reason for not being friends with them. And the funny thing was that it was only in reference to kids. some of his favorite adults are "brown people," but he did not seem to notice that.

His teacher pointed out that the Afro-American kids use hair products that smell different, and my husband pointed out to me that with my son's Sensory Issues, this is probably a big deal to him.

There can be lots of reasons that kids see differences in people, even if we think we are trying to raise them in a non-discriminating household, we live in a discriminating world. Just be a good role model and do what you are doing--don't freak about his responses unless they are hurtful. Then be more serious.

Hi J.!

I think you are right - he's just noticing the differences and I think you can turn this into an opportunity to encourage his appreciation for all people. We are a multi-racial family, and whenever my kids (ages 4 and 3) make observations about skin color, etc, I usually just say, "Yes, she has beautiful _____ skin, aren't all the different skin colors so pretty? Aren't we lucky to have so many beautiful colors of skin/hair/whatever in our world? It's like a rainbow!".

I think kids are naturally observant, and as long as we're teaching them to appreciate the differences, rather than assign connotations (good or bad), then you're doing a good job. Avoiding the issue may make them wonder if there's something wrong with being different.

I also think then that you could add, "What else do you and Janelle like to do together? Is she your running friend?" Maybe after affirming skin differences you can redirect his attention to other traits the friend has so he can see that it's more about what a person does rather than what she looks like that is important. Does that make any sense?

Hope this helps, good luck!

J.

Depending on your son's age, I think that is very normal for children and to him it isn't any more significant than whether his friend is blond or brunette or always wears red shirts. My children (Caucasian) attend a very racially diverse elementary school and they often describe their friends or classmates as "the brown one" or the "one with tannish skin." I just try not to make a big deal out of it because they don't mean anything by it and gently suggest other terms for them. I might respond, "Oh, you mean Johnny, the African-American boy?" or "Do you mean the girl who has two sisters at school?" so they think of alternative ways to describe them. My second grader will still sometimes use the more descriptive terms ("the brown one"), but my fifth grader no longer does that and they both seem to be very accepting of other cultures and ethnicities. I do talk to them about their comments if they say something in which they group people or make assumptions like "all of the people at school who wear red shirts are mean." I explain to them that it isn't appropriate to judge groups of people like that. I think I have said something like, "Susie isn't mean because she wears red shirts. Many people who wear red shirts are nice and some people who wear yellow shirts may not be nice. Everyone is different." We have a Caucasian neighbor child who has an African-American sister and therefore cousins and relatives who are African-American. Even he will sometimes describe a certain cousin as "one of the brown ones" if he is trying to distinguish that cousin from another cousin. I think it is very normal for children to be descriptive without any hidden intent or meaning and that as your child develops more specific or more appropriate terms he will use them. I just try to help them along with their terms without over reacting or being critical.

My daughter does the same thing and is just a very very observant person. If it's not straight out offensive I ignore it and know with age it'll go away. If it is something that will offend someone we have a talk later and I explain how that would hurt their feelings. My daughter refered to bi-racial children as "Mixed Up" she says oh that's my friend so and so he's mixed up his mom is white and his dad is black. She just didn't quite get it. But wasn't being offensive so I let it go she's now 6yrs.old and no longer says that.

I know it sounds nicer to say Johnny with the curly hair rather than Johnny with brown skin but it's just a kid thing and it's not offensive.

I just leave most things as is

If my daughter asks why is that boy in a wheel chair I say because his legs don't work yours and mine and he needs his chair to get around. I'm upfront and honest and don't shhhh her or make a big deal out of it.

I still remember one day we were leaving a restaurant and there was a little person(dwarf) in his mid 40's with a child and I held the door open for them and my daughter wanted to know why they didn't have parents with them and was just amazed when I explained in the car that some adults are dwarfs and are the size of children but that they're really grown ups it took awhile for her to actually believe me.