Toddler Inappropriately Bringing up Race/ethnicty - What to Do?

SO normal.

D'ja see the cover of ... oh, I think it was Time magazine last week, about 'racist babies'? Babies are champion pattern-recognizers ... and champion "that doesn't fit the pattern, why???" questioners!!

But OH, the social awkwardness of some of the comments they make and the timing they choose (and the volume they use)!!!

I agree, though, that people shouldn't get all hot and bothered about a toddler's learning process. Seriously. Happily, I ride a very mixed-everything busline, and the grand majority of everyone my kids have awkwardly commented on either smiles or ignores them. Some engage them in really interesting conversations!

The one thing that I do try to squash consistently and completely is all observations that sound anything like, "Mommy, I can't tell if that's a girl or a boy." I have yet to see someone this applies to who I think will react well to hearing it!!!!, and my kid seems always to be leaning toward the gender I think is probably incorrect ;). SIGH.

My three year old son was doing stuff like this for a while. He'd point out race, age, weight, etc in a pretty loud voice - it was embarrassing! I got down on his level and talked for a minute about how everyone is different and that's pretty interesting. But, if we talk about all the things that make people different or interesting we might make someone feel sad. So, it's okay to see the interesting things about people but it's not okay to talk about it where they can hear you. I told him that if he see something interesting that he can tell me about it once we get back out to the car. He seemed pretty receptive to this and hasn't made any more of those loud declarations. :)

Hi,

"Black" is not offensive. Being black myself, I use it all the time. Your child is curious and obviously noticing different races. Don't be ashamed of it. Embrace the opportunity to teach her acceptance. Don't blame the grandparents in front of her, but tell them to make sure they are not referencing the difference in a negative way, or you surely will have a problem on your hand.

By the way, Cindy, "Oriental" is not a color, it is a region. Inform your children that "asian" is the correct term.

I am late on this one, but it is an interesting question and set of comments by very thoughtful people. I just wanted to say a couple of things. First, "Black" is not an insult. I know someone mentioned this below, but I want to reiterate. I am Black, and I don't consider myself "African-American". My ancestors who came from Africa came so so long ago that it seems pointless to try to link myself culturally with a place that I have never been, to languages I can't imagine learning to speak, etc. So if you are talking to a friend, and he/she prefers one to the other, use that term, but both are fine, neither is offensive. Second, please remember that Blacks are not "different", we are only different from you. Do you see what I mean? There is a lot of power in the word "different" -- of course Blacks are different from Whites, but Whites are different from Blacks, too. Imagine finding yourself in the heart of Kenya and the comments that would be directed to you. So, I just want to pass along a painful story -- I was living in Belgium and at Christmastime, they have a character named Black Peter who accompanies Santa around and beats the bad children. I kid you not. And of course, Black Peter is always portrayed as a Black man. So I was in a supermarket around Christmas, and a small boy saw me and went screaming in fear to his mother, and that was sad enough. But then the mother grabbed him and turned him away from me as if I WERE something to be feared. I couldn't blame the kid for growing up in a culture where Black Peter is accepted even glorified, but I can blame the mother for not using that as a teaching moment and saying, yes, she is Black, like Black Peter, but she isn't bad or scary, or whatever she could come up with. I know it is a difficult moment for you, because kids really do say some unexpected things, but DO talk about it, confront it, and be really careful with the word "different". It sounds like you are on the right track, though!

Black is not offensive. I am black and my husband is white. Our children, ages 8 and 2.5 are biracial. We use the world black in our home daily. I have no problem being called black and neither do any other black people I know. We call some friends white, some black, some asian, some indian--that's just how we talk and it's no big deal. I think the black people you say were offended by this were NOT offended by your child, but perhaps your response to the situation or your expression or something. Perhaps you need to look at your own deep hidden views on racism. Children are innocent. In general black people are not so hypersensitive that they would be offended by a 2.5 year old calling them black. Would you be offended if my 2.5 year old asked you if they were white? Please give the black race a little more credit.

We have taught our daughters (ages 3 & 7) that God makes people like flowers... all different shapes and colors and sizes. Our daughters are tan because Daddy is black and I am white. We had to address this kind of early when my oldest was about 3. She was at daycare and a little boy her age said to her "you can't play with us because you are tan and we are black" (by the way, the little girl who was black and was playing with that little boy is now my daughters best friend). He is not a hateful little boy and they played together all the time. I was so happy with how the daycare provider handled it and that she told me about it so we could address it at home. We used books to talk about the different colors people can be. Our community is about 65% black and the rest is white with a few Latino families. Our church is primarily a black congregation, but my oldest goes to a school that is primarily white. That just goes to show, they can be around diversity, even at home, and they still get curious or have experiences outside the home that trigger questions about skin color. Don't blame the grandparents/nanny either...you could have been at the store or the park and they may have heard someone say it. Kids hear things that we don't because we are usually focused on what we are doing or looking at and don't always hear what's going on around us like they do. We never use the terms "black" or "white" around our girls, we always use "B" or "W", etc. if we are referring to someone's race. Some good books are "Mommy, Why Are We Different Colors?" by Barbara Knoll, "The Colors of us" by Karen Katz, and "All the Colors of the Earth" by Sheila Hamanaka.

And to Anita V.... you speak against racism, but wasn't it racist for you to presume this original question was from a caucasion person? She could have been Asian, or Latino, etc. as well as you could be. I have experienced black children asking if I am white. That doesn't make them racist or their parents. If there was animosity or hatefulness attached to the question, then you would question what that child is being taught, but not a simple friendly question. God has designed all children with a different purpose therefore different children are going to be curious about different things. My oldest asked a lot about colors and shapes of everything when she was 3 and now she is very artisitic. My girl who is 3 now has always asks a lot of questions about animals... maybe she'll be a veterinarian. And I disagree with you that living in a primarily white environment would not trigger questions about skin color. It absolutely would! Of course kids are going to ask questions about people who look different from what they are used to...that's how they learn.

As an African American, I don't find offense to being called "Black". However, if you are uncomfortable with the terminology, you should ask a friend of color to speak with your daughter about the African American culture. If you don't have a friend of color, find a positive book that provides history on the culture.

I think you're stressing about something minor that is early enough for you to lovingly guide. First, Black and African American are used interchangeably and are not offensive. Actually, I prefer the term Black, because, I was born in the US and not in Africa..so I am technically NOT African-American. However, I think that because you are even concerned shows that you care about cultural differences and don't want your child's perceptions of race to be slanted by media, peers and/or other influences. to be honest, the news and television often portray Blacks in a poor light (ie. criminals, drug dealers, pimps, prostitutes, etc). I am glad that you are taking time to address that yes, Black people are different, but can be equally successful as Whites. Kuddos to you!

awwww....I wish your toddler had asked me that because then it would have been a positive experience. I consider myself black, not african-american. I don't understand this ever changing moniker when it comes to my race, but I'm proud to be black so therefore the color has no negative connotations to me. Keep this in mind when discussing race with your toddler, not everyone goes by African-American. Children are so beautiful and curious and PURE...your toddler was asking because she is curious and probably does not get to see a lot of black people, so she wants to know more. Don't change her behavior...buy some diverse books and talk to her about the many different people in the world. Once she knows, she won't be so inclined to ask people if they are black because she will know. I wish you the best of luck because I firmly believe that we have a chance to leave a better world for our children. A world where they can get along and embrace one another and forge a path to a better future.

Peace & B's

I'm coming in late and I have to tell you I had this very same thing happen to me when my son was about 2. We were shopping and as we were waiting to check out a gentleman got in line behind us. I could see the wheels turning in my sons head so I knew when the question started what it would be "Mommy, is he black?" and, I might have imagined it, but I think he yelled the question. I truely wanted the floor to swallow me up. My answer, after taking a deep breath, was "yes, he has skin of different color but he is the same as you and me.....just like God gave dogs and cats and other animals different colors he gave people different colors too" That satisfied my son. And then it really helped when the gentleman came over and said "yes I'm black....shake my hand!" And he was so gracious to my son. He explained he had 13 grandkids and loved little ones. I was truely grateful to him for helping me out and this has never come up again with him. I really think if you make a big deal out of things they become a bigger deal to the kids. This really ended there and hasn't been a big deal since!
Hope it helps!

My family is mixed, caucasian and asian and we also came from a pretty un-diverse community when my oldest was small. I remember when he met my friend, Tony, who is a very dark skinned man. He was three and he cried because he had never seen someone like him before. (My son also had an aversion to facial hair and would cry every time someone with a beard, mustache, goatee, whatever came near him.) When we got home, he asked me "Why did that man have brown skin?"
I took a minute to think about it and this is how I explained it:
"When you color a picture, do you use just one color? (No.) That would be boring, wouldn't it? (Yes.) We like to use a lot of colors to make our pictures beautiful, don't we? (Yes.) Well, God loves us and He created us all different and unique, beautiful. (He did?) He doesn't want us to all be the same. (Oh.) Doesn't it make sense that he would make us all different colors, shapes AND sizes? (Yeah.) My friend, Tony, has very dark skin, I have very light skin, and you have tan skin. Tony is very tall, I am kind of medium sized, and you are small right now. (Giggles with tickling.) God did a great job, didn't He? He must really love us. (Hugs.)"
My son never asked again. He did point out people's color, shape and size for a little bit, but it ususally went something like this:
"Mommy, God made that person (big, tall, short, have brown/white/tan/pink skin, etc.)! Wow! God likes us to be different! I love God!"
I simply explained that we need to not point out peoples differences, that they know what they look like and it's not polite. After that, he waited until we were away from whichever person made an impression to talk about it. I would acknowledge his observance and tell him "Isn't it great the God loves us all so much?" The matter would be dropped.
I didn't know it at the time, but it really helped him transition into: "it's ok for me to be different from other people", "people love God in different ways" and also "I need to try to be friends with people who are different from me".
We all have to answer the qestion sooner or later. I'm glad that my kids asked and equally glad that I was given the wisdom to answer in a way that addressed the question and the deeper issue of acceptance and friendship with people who are different from ourselves. The bonus has been that he has helped teach my other kids the same lessons. Don't worry too much about it and good luck.

This is late, but I thought I'd add in my experience with my daughter. She, too, was very verbal and catagorized everything. We often talked about other races when she noticed them and also, for her, the biggest was always referring to people with white hair as Grandma or Grandpa. Most did not mind.

And recently at pre-k, her class had a Mother's Day tea and each drew a picture of mom and dictated a description based on questions by the teacher. Well, I am an older parent and her first describing words were, My mom has gray hair.... She obviously got over her catagorizing about white hair.

Oh, another funny story with my almost 5 yr old. She has a friend in her class that was adopted from China and one day she asked me,
dd -"Is M--- Asian?
Me -Yes, she is Chinese.
dd- No, but is she Asian.
Me- Yes, China is part of Asia.
dd- Oh, what am I?
Me- Caucasian
dd- Huh?
Me- European
dd- UH UH
Me- It means you are white.
dd- Oh, I thought you said I was peeing."
We both had a good laugh at that one.
My daughter has a very large vocabulary and I thought I would add to it with some of the other words used to describe white people. It is now one of those kids say the darnedest things stories.

My daughter is three and she consistently refers to people by their clothing and not their skin color. She'll ask about "the orange girl" or "the green boy" based on the predominant color in their shirts. If she referred to a black man, I'd look for someone in a black shirt, even if there was someone with black skin in the room. I appreciate these ideas for when she eventually starts to label by skin color instead!

We have had conversations about people she sees who are disabled or using wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, etc. Typically I'll tell her that some part of their body isn't working so well, and this person has special equipment to help them out. I might mention a relative of hers who used similar medical apparatus if something comes to mind.

I am so glad to see this discussion, even if it is a revival of a question asked months ago.

My son (3 years) recently started describing people according to their skin color. This is after having recently read Testing the Ice by Sharon Robinson. It is her perspective of her father, and only a portion of the book is about his MLB career. My son said to me, "Mommy, that's not fair that he couldn't play because he was black." Then he said, " Raj (his little school friend) is brown, and his mommy is brown. Daddy is white, I'm white, and Mommy! You're PINK!" LOL. I am very fair skinned and have rosacea so I am, in fact, pink.
Anyway, when he came home one day and said something about "That black man did such and such..." I simply asked him what difference the color of the man's skin made. He said, "I don't know." To which I replied that perhaps a better way to describe a person is by the things the person did, or said, rather than how he or she looks. Since then, no discussion about race has come up.

That said, I really like what Kari W. said about skin being wrapping paper. I'm going to file that one away and use it should this discussion arise in our household again.

We also never refer to a person by the color of their skin in our house. However, one day, when walking through a mall parking lot, my daughter said something in reference to a little boy she saw being black. I was shocked and embarrassed. I looked back at the family (who we had passed before she said this) and they did not seem to have heard her. I immediately pulled her aside and had a matter-of-fact calm talk with her. I like to address things with her in the moment because I feel like it makes more of an impression. I first clearly stated that we don't refer to people by their skin color. I pointed out a few other way she could have pointed the little boy out to me who had caught her attention. I then asked her to look at something that is black and she pointed to something. I asked her if the little boy was that same color and she said no. I asked her what color skin she had and she said white. I then had her compare her skin to something that was white and asked her if she thought that was the color of her skin, which of course she did not. Then she had fun trying to decide what color she was. Pink? No. Peach? I explained that people are not black or white and that we come in all different colors, but the color of someone's skin is not what is important about them. What is important is who a person is inside and how they treat us. She has never referred to someone by the color skin again and the whole experience turned into a fun lesson for her.

You have received a lot of great advice and opinions, but I'm going to add my thoughts since I'm going through this same issue with my 4 year old daugther. She is an Indian/White mix, so her skin color is light tan/white in the winter, and becomes darker (medium brown in summer). I also reacted at first thinking we are trying to teach diversity in my home so how did she even get this idea and was afraid of what others would think when she made comments. Then I realized this is a toddler's way of learning the world - things are black, brown, white, big, tall, short - and they want to practice what they learned. As a society we are too sensitive at times, such as "black" I'm white and referred to as white by all races - so why is it wrong to refer to someone as "black"? I found it successful to just talk to her about how people are different, and it's OK to notice the differences, but some things we say can be considered hurtful (such as one day she pointed and said "that lady's fat") - while it was a true statement, I explained that saying certain things can be hurtful to others and we want to be sensitive to other's feelings. And that being black, or white or brown or whatever can all be beautiful - what really matters is that we treat people how we want to be treated and not based on a color or size. She interacts and plays with kids of all sizes and colors - so I know she is not prejudice - just learning how to apply terms and concepts we spend so much time teaching.

Very thoughtful of you to be concerned and raise such a sensitive topic - but I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job as a mom. Good luck!

I know this question is completed, but I just saw it today and read all the responses because this issue just came up at my house and I was unprepared. So thanks for posting it.
we live in a pretty diverse community and have diverse friends, but my almost 3 year old came home the other day and out of the blue reported that his teacher is black. I too had just seen the Newsweek thing so I knew I was supposed to discuss it. I asked him if any of his friends are black too (a couple of his classmates are) and he thought for a minute then said yes and gave me the name of an Asian student. So I asked him what color he is and he said "yellow" (he's blond). So it turned out to be more of an observation of hair color than race. (So I'm thinking your child may also have used the word 'black' in the color sense, not b/c he'd heard it used to describe race) I tried explaining how we look like a mix of our parents... and then sortof stumped myself b/c one of his African American friends is adopted by white parents... Regardless, I checked out Shades of People from the library- pretty book with pictures of lots of children. He wasn't real into it, but it did have one line I like: basically that your skin is like a wrapping paper- it doesn't tell you anything about what's inside.

It occurs to me now that HOW we say what we say is so important. Like in the Newsweek study all the moms were shocked that their kids (of different races!) thought black children are bad. They all thought they'd taught their children to be open minded- and I'm sure they'd tried- but the kids had picked up and internalized a different message. They're smart and they pick up on our subtle actions. If as you said, you 1st apologize to a person and then feel embarassed, no matter what you say after that to your child he's going to be thinking, "why did mom apologize? I must have said something bad. Looking that way must be bad- see Mom's nervous around him". If we want to teach our kids that skin color isn't so important then we should act that way. I understand being embarassed- race is an uncomfortable topic and your child is throwing you into conversations about it unprepared with strangers. But I would try to have a response ready that doesn't have any aplology. Perhaps, "Huh? Oh, those are called 'freckles'. Remember how skin is like wrapping paper?" and then to the adult, "Hi. My child is just starting to notice how skin comes in different shades." I can't imagine an adult being offended by a toddler's observation. And I think more PC terms are too complex for a toddler- he's just observing appearances and, like people said, what if the person doesn't identify with Africa or isn't American?
Thanks for starting the discussion.

This is a great topic. I am impressed with all of the mature and caring answers and advice. This could have turned ugly so easily.

My family is about as day-glo white as you can get, except for a Choctaw great-grandmother on my side and Huron about 10 generations back on my husband's side (his is documented) but so far back it doesn't "count" when asking for "race". We have German, French (Louisiana Cajun), Polish, Irish, Welsh, Swiss, English, and a few I'm missing.

With this mix, on my dad's side: my Aunt & Uncle have adopted a black son and a cousin is in a relationship with a black man: they have three beautiful children together and she has a daughter by a hispanic man before this relationship. About half of my mom's sisters and their kids have married hispanics. My family get-togethers are racially diverse and questions still get asked at home by my 10 and 7 year olds about skin colors of strangers. My 7 year old son always wants to know the "name" of the color... I am pink to him, he's tan, my daughter is brown (tans even in the winter), my husband is peach, the guy at the store was caramel, my son's girlfriend of two years (they met in Kindergarten last year) is chocolate, a classmate has skin that is sunset-red... he loves colors. When he first started talking about his girlfriend last year he said the black girl but I didn't know which one. It turned out he was talking about her HAIR! She was the only girl in class with black HAIR... the other two had brown hair. While he did notice their skin, he described their skin by his crayon names not their race!

The names of where people come from is so vast: We have Asia, the Orient, the Middle East, Mediterranean, African, So. African, Hawaiian, Samoan, Polynesian. Oh my, the list goes on! I love languages, so I love learning about other people! My children go to a very diverse school, but in our area that is not unusual. In the past 5 years my kids have had classmates whose PARENTS actually came from: Thailand, China, Belize, Yemen, Vietnam and a few others. The children were still just learning English since their home language was that of which ever region their families had immigrated from. There are others whose backgrounds I don't know since they haven't been in my kids' classes, yet. My kids know they are from other places, but haven't had time to ask them about their homelife. Recess is only 15 minutes long and the classes only share the playground for about 5 overlapping minutes. I have gotten to know some of the moms and have very nice chats with them. I love learning about their cultures. It's cool because they are comfortable asking me questions, too.

My family also eats a very diverse "diet". We eat African, Moroccan, Thai, Vietnamese, Korean, Israeli, Mexican, Palestinian... the list goes on. My husband enjoys cooking so he's always looking for new recipes. He is not the hotdog, hamburger, pizza and spaghetti type. He would rather have pho, bul golgi, or falafel. He has a difficult time eating with coworkers because to them he eats "wierd" food. To him, they eat "boring" food! By eating diverse foods we are able to incorporate geography, culture and history into our conversations on a regular basis. We love shopping in the local Vietnamese and Turkish grocery stores (among others)! We find really neat foods and spices that you can't find in "regular" chain grocery stores.

We are never too old OR young to start learning. It's not a "we need to learn to feel guilty for what happened before we were born" issue. It's a "we need to learn so we don't fall back into it and repeat it" issue. We talk to our kids about the social injustices and social triumphs of the different countries and regions INCLUDING our own. We also learn about really cool things about each region, such as what was invented where and how and by whom.

We teach them that it's not what you look like, it is how you carry yourself. Don't be disrespectful if you want people to respect you. If you don't want people to stare at you then don't wear things to catch people's attention :)

Thanks for bringing up this topic! Have a great day and enjoy every time your daughter embarasses you because later in her life YOU get to embarass HER! :)

Dear E.:

Let me start by saying that the persons whom respond negatively to the questions, obviously are making assumptions about you and your ideas on race. This in turn is racist. Please do not fall victim to feeling intimidated by these things. My daughter is black and has been noticed as such by other children and has done the same herself. She is biracial, so for the longest time she didnt even think she was the same as her father or extended family because they are black and she is brown. Also I want to throw out there that the term Black and African American are used interchangebly, even in the Black/Afican American community. My husband is from another country and happens to not like the term African American, as it does not encompass all nationalities of the black race. Just an FYI. There are some great books out there on shades of skin color and nationalities/traditions. Good luck in your teachings and enjoy it, as you are sending your child off with all the right lessons.

We live in an area that is mostly Hispanic but my daughter has done the exact same thing. On the one occasion a very dark African American man was behind us in the grocery line and she made her comment. The man looked at her and looked away. I turned to him and smiled, introduced myself and shook his hand. I told him this is my daughter "Name" and he said his name and acknowledged my daughter with a smile and a nod. I know it can be a little embarrassing when kids say things becuase they are curious, make a blunt observation or what not but don't be scared to take the lead and explain what she's seeing right away. With little kids most people are quite understanding. It would be more disrespectful to the person of inquiry to look ashamed, no eye contact and shuffle away. (we've had the same situation with people of disability-deaf using sign-they prefer if you wave and acknowledge them-or someone in a wheel chair.)

50 yrs. ago my son saw his first ( we called them Negros then), sweeping the entry at the movie theater with a large broom. He tugged on my hand and whispered, "Mommy, what is that chocolate man doing?" Being a very young mother who had never even thought about this question, I just said, "He is sweeping the floor." After all that was his question. I really expected the chocolate issue to come up later but it didn 't. I think he just took it for granted that a man could be the color of chocolate.

I'm 72 yrs old and grew up in a segregated school, barely aware that there were people of different races. On a Sunday afternoon drive in the nearby countryside, I saw a family of Negros at their farm home. Daddy explained that they owned many acres of farm land in the area and were actually considered quite wealthy. Realizing that they lived not far from our own home, I asked where they went to school. I didn't understand why they had to catch a bus to downtown Dallas, when they were so close to my school. I was appaled to learn that it was against the law for 'coloreds' and 'whites' to go to school together!!

The issue is much more complicated today and I am glad I don't have to deal with it. I pray for todays young parents and the many issues they have to deal with in rearing their children. God bless you all.

Just wanted to throw in another perspective . . . .If your toddler is asking "Are you black" repeatedly, it may be because most people identified as Black have brown skin. If she's pretty good with her colors, her comment may be less about race and more about her confusion on why the smart grown-ups keep calling someone's skin black when it looks like the color brown, not the color black. I think it's important to talk with kids intentionally and positively about race, but that may not address her question about identifying colors, and she might keep asking. I remember having similar questions when I was little (Asian people aren't yellow, Native Americans aren't red, black people aren't black, and white people aren't white. No one's skin looks like yellow, red, white, or black crayons), but it seemed like it was a hard topic for adults to talk about. Using your new dolls, etc, to talk about some of the many different colors people are might be a good way to find out what she is really asking about.

I see you've already had a lot of responses so my apologies if this is repetitive. Being white, I was raised "color blind". I typically never noticed the ethnicities of people around me. Although many thinks this is good, it is important to understand this is a privilege of being white. I certainly would have been more aware if I was not white. While it is good to have dolls with a variety of appearances and talk about how we are all equal, it is also important to talk about race directly. It might be good to practice with an adult first. I think many if not most white people are uncomfortable talking directly about race. Also, I prefer the term "black". My husband is African, so assuming he is African American would be incorrect. I do not know why "black" would be inappropriate. It seems what your daughter is doing is very innocent and would try not to be embarassed. Maybe you can prepare a response ahead of time.

My kids luckily came up with their own: brown. My daughter said (she was very young, too), "Who's that brown boy over there?" And we talked about shades of skin. I am fortunate that my husband is half Hispanic, and my daughter has dark brown hair and darker skin... but then we talked about the names and how they didn't really fit--black people weren't "black," but brown, and I wasn't "white," but kind of pink (that's the color she named for me)... and we were all sorts of varying shades of tan, really.

The more your kids can understand and deal with race in a comfortable way, the less they will see it as a signifier. If they feel shushed up, they will learn to view differences as taboo, and it could shade the meaning of race for them long-term. My daughter (now 8) notices people missing body parts or in wheelchairs, but she knows she can ask me about any of them. Once she saw a lady in a walker, and asked her directly why she needed help to walk. The lady answered, "Because I'm old." My daughter asked, "Can I use a walker when I'm old, too?"

I would encourage you to be frank and positive with her. If you show comfort around people who are different, even the people will be more comfortable with your daughter's questions... they will know you are trying to teach her, and they might even help in the process!

E. - Why does it come off as "categorizing, insensitive, and ignorant?" If the person is black, that's what they are!
I am married to a Mexican man and have two boys. My husband is quite dark and has LONG black hair...one of my boys takes after him (darker skin, black hair, black eyes) and one is more fair, like me.
My husband has heard his fair share of comments from little kids (including one little girl that wanted to know why he was a boy with girl hair) and it's just a fact of life.
There was a little girl at the store the other day, she was about 10-12, and she had HUGE hair. Just puffed out everywhere. My son (4 on Sat) looked at her and said, "WOAH, she has huge hair!" probably embarassing for some, but she did!
I personally don't think there is anything to talk to your daughter about. She said nothing wrong. Maybe the next time she says something you say, "Yes, his skin is black and yours is white! Isn't God fantastic that he makes us so many different colors!" And then leave it at that.
Her behavior doesn't need to be changed, she's 2 1/2! I would never look at a little kid making an observation like that as anything other than a little kid. I also would not think anything less of the parents.
L.

My first child in Kindergarten told me there were no black children in his class only brown because he is brown! I have had to deal with my children wishing they were different colors so I did the next best thing and wrote a book with them - I Wish I Were Many Colors! I no longer get that from them. I let them know that we are all different and unique in our own ways. The color of our skin has nothing to do with what we can become. If you ignore your toddler's question, or redirect it will go away soon enough. You can't explain all that to a 2 and a half year old.

Please don't keep her from asking those questions. Kids are such great ice-breakers, and if you follow up her innocent question with a smile to the black person and a comment to your daughter (who is, at her age, learning to categorize) about how people come with all kinds of skin, that will be very cool with most anybody within earshot.

Most people I have known of any minority group seem open and even relieved when this becomes a topic that people can talk about. If you try to hush your daughter, pretend you don't see the black person, or act embarrassed, the person might reasonably think you are having negative thoughts about them.

If we don't/can't talk about race, pretending color differences don't exist, that's when it becomes something to feel ashamed or evasive about. I strongly recommend this week's Newsweek article on race. It points out that when even liberal parents avoid discussing race with their kids, the children are much more likely to develop an "us/them" view of the world: "People who are most like us are better than people who are most unlike us."

This is true not only of coloring, but of all sorts of other attributes, too. Age, gender, weight, interests, handicaps, even the schools we attend can all become reasons to like "us" better than "them." It's completely human to do this. It can also be limiting and divisive, and at the extreme, definitely dangerous.

So I hope humanity learns to keep in all out in the open, acknowledge obvious differences frankly and with kindness, talk about race and other issues as innocently as your daughter does. The Bible suggests that being like little children allows us to enter the kingdom of heaven. Here's just one example.

You already have many responses, but this is a very interesting topic. I have 2 stories to share. My father is Mexican and my mother Native American and Irish- she is very pale. My sisters and I are all about the same color- kind of a medium tan. My sister's husband is Italian. Their first born child was pale when he was younger (he's now 18 and darker). When he was around 2 he was talking with my grandmother who is Native American about skin color. He was asking what "we" are. My grandmother told him that she was butterscoth and that he was vanilla. This satisfied him. He didn't want to know about race per se; he was just trying to categorize.

Story 2: My other sister's husband is black, but very light skinned. When my daughters were around 5 (twins) I overheard them talking about some other kids from their daycare. They referred to a girl as "black". So I asked them what color they were.
"Tan"
I asked them what color I was
"Tan"
What color is Gramma (my mom)
"Peach"
What color is Uncle C (my brother-in-law who is black)
"Tan"
What color is Felicia (my friend who is very dark skinned)
"Black"
What color is Felicia's daughter
"Tan"

They really make no differences in race. They literally are just describing the actual color of the skin. Perhaps it is because my family has such a variance of skin tones, but my girls don't even see it as a familal trait.

The funny thing is that my daughters' father is half Caribbean and half British. I always cringe on forms that ask for their race. I really just want to put
"All of the Above"

I think you are on the right track. Being african american myself i would understand why you feel your child is being offensive. First of all i'd say she's very observant to notice the differences and probably very intelligent. My son who was tested as having a very high iq was also very observant as a child. Yes, and being a child he was very loud in voicing what he had seen. Example: he saw a lady who was a (midget) or dwarf and he was very loud in the store telling me to look at the little lady. He was truly amazed at her for he had never seen a grown woman whom he could look eye to eye with. And i instructed him to lower his tone and introduce myself which he did. I also was clinical manager of a mental health facility and sometimes i'd take him to work with me. At four he knew without me saying a word that something was different about the clients but having taught him at an early age that people are very different he accepted the people and conversated with those who were verbal and was not afraid interact or call upon their problems. So since your daughter is observant you must deal with the issue now because she is noticing and address each issue and emphasize that people are very different.

Your daughter is innocently learning to notice differences, and put things into categories... two VERY important skills. By trying to ignore it, she will get the message that there is something wrong.

First, talk to your daughter at home about differences. Show her pictures and casually show her that different people have different shapes, different heights, different hair colors, skin colors, eye colors, and haircuts. Skin colors should not be any more of a touchy subject that hair colors. When she points it out in public, respond the same way you would if she pointed out someone's black hair or bright green eyes. Say yes honey, all people are made different. There are lots of different skin colors, and hair colors and eye colors. If the person of her attention hears you, they will not be offended by your educating her respectfully.

I don't think this is a huge deal really but if you are that concerned ask an African American, Spanish, Japenese etc mom how they describe you (I am assuming you are white/Caucasion) to their children. I mean Black children have to at some point realize white children are a different color and get that talk from their parents too right?

Here is an amazing article about this:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989

What I would say is, if you are feeling brave . . .
"Yes, that man has brown skin. Isn't it a beautiful color? Your skin is a lighter color of brown, yours is beautiful too. And look, his shirt is green, and his shoes - what color are those? Red? Yes!" "What color is your shirt? What color are Mama's eyes?" etc etc.

Coincidentally, someone sent me this article today:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989/output/print

It's a little long, but interesting and very applicable to your question. It points out the problems that result of not talking about this with your kids, or trying to pretend to be or make them colorblind!

best wishes!

I am assuming you live here in the Seattle area, which does have relatively few African American citizens, so I can understand your daughter's interest/curiosity. One thing you could do to help is to get a some storybooks featurning African Americans (some suggestions -- Whose Toes Are Those? Please, Baby, Please and Baby Dance) and one or two African American dolls. Then you can have conversations about race/skin type in the privacy of your own home without inconveniencing or embarassing others. And when she goes out and sees African American people, they will seem less a curiosity and more just another person out there. I am the mom of a transracially adopted African American little girl and we have supplemented in person relationships with books and toys very nicely. Good luck raising racially aware and tolerant kids!

Two books I will suggest...

For kids (and adults :) - The Colors of Us by K. Katz

For adults - Nurtureshock - there is a chapter devoted to teaching your kids about race - I suspect that the Newsweek article is based on this.

Thank you so much for bringing this up. It is such an interesting topic that needs discussion. Asking if someone is black in not like asking if someone is something bad. If you react shocked and embarrassed then it appears as if "black" is negative. How would you react if your child asked if a person is white? Your daughter is naturally curious and should be applauded for asking this question.

My daughter is mixed race (black and white) and goes to an all black daycare. After I read the Newsweek magazine article, I decided to talk to her about race. I was shocked when she said "White people are pretty and black people are not." Then I looked around and saw that all the princesses that she loved were white, all her cartoon characters are white, her mother is white. I am happy she was innocent enough to be honest with me so we could have a conversation. Now, 6 months later I overhear her say, "I like black girls." Of course it helps that Disney finally has a black princess!

Thanks again for the wonderful discussion!!

I realize this is late in coming, sorry about that! But I tend to not say "African American" b/c I think it's rediculous to assume that all 'blacks' come from Africa & rediculous to assume that all 'Africans' are 'black'. They are not, I still use the term 'Black' very lightly & normally only as a descriptive. After all, the actress/former model Charleze Theron is from South Africa & she's not black, she then became a US citizen, doesn't that make her an 'African American'? I commend you on your efforts to teach your children not to be negative towards any race or catagorize them by terms but you should also keep in mind what I stated too, not all 'Africans' are black & not all blacks come from Africa. Also, how do you accurately describe someone w/o considering coloration? Nowadays w/mixing of races, it's really hard to decern who is of what race. I don't think it's taboo for a child to ask. That's how they learn. Thanks for listening.

AH from the mouth of babes... I am sorry but anyone who gets offended by a two year old pointing out something quite obvious must be a little hypersensitive.
Now if you don't like a specific terminology you can teach your child whatever expression you prefer... and practice your inside voice.

Other than that just keep in mind that you are coming up on the age of parental embarrassment, not only will your child probably start pointing out every physical thing they notice (from old to overweight) and announce it in a loud voice, but pretty soon she might also begin to talk freely about potty issues :) Just grin and know that you will get to retaliate by telling these stories to her future husband 20 years down the road.

Oh, E.-- we have all been there. It is hard when you are experiencing it, but, from the look of the responses here, it is totally normal. Children notice differences and their observations magnify them. One thing that helps me with such situations is to incorporate stories (my own) or books and then talking about differences. Discussions about differences lay the foundation for when these awkward situations invariably arrive. For instance, my daughter used to stare and notice people who were disabled. I made sure to point these things out when we saw pictures of people who are differently abled and also talked about a friend of mine who was born with only one hand. I also talk to my daughter about what it was like when I lived in a neighborhood where I was in the minority (Caucasian in a predominantly African American neighborhood) and how people are often curious or scared about differences they do not understand. Right now we have been reading books like the Laura Ingalls Wilder series where the girls were scared of "Indians" and we talked about how we often are scared of people/things when we do not know much about them. My daughter is totally getting it now.

You are a wise and wonderful mother to be so cognizant and sensitive about these situations. There will always be awkward situations, but you are doing a great job. Best of luck to you!

kids say the cutest things! most adults will see the humor. when I was three standing in line at Safeway I saw my first black person, I stared at her a long time and then said incredulously Look mommy that lady got all burned up in a fire! The lady just turned and laughed much to the embarrassment of my mom

For my daughters, I've never had problems with explaining race. They've both noticed different people have different skin colors, but it's the adults who assume things based on skin color, not the kids. They only use it as a way to help describe the person. For us, Mr. Wolf isn't "black" he's just another friend. Ms. Rose isn't Hispanic, she's one of our neighbors, and her dogs are fun to play with. Soo isn't Asian, she's someone who gives great hugs. And when Obama was elected and everyone made a big deal out of him being our first African-American president, my daughter was floored to find that people even cared what color his skin was instead of what he thought and did!

HI there, I have had to deal with these kinds of issues too, as my sons are half black (but are very light skinned)I would gently tell them that "that is not the kind of question you ask someone"...do you have any black friends or of other races...diversity in your life will help to break down those color barriers for your child...I would then explain that it isn't anyone's fault of what color they are, and then show her other "things, items," not people that are black...black color crayons, black sweatshirt, etc...reinforce her need to categorize colors and items, not people...this can be a sticky situation, so i wish you all the best with this.

E.,

I don't know if this will help or not, but I got the following from a Sesame Street show. I think it was Elmo's World, but they were talking about skin and one of the little clips was a girl reporting on some experiments they were doing in class.

They all had different colored skin, but the palms of every child was the same color. It's been quite a while since I've seen that, but it really has stuck with me as a parent.

This is a great learning opportunity!Take her to the library. Check out books, tapes or videos in the childrens section. Educate her about different skin colors, what countries they come from, new languages, etc.- this could be exciting and not embassing!
ps. my son saw Grey. I told him that we're all the same on the inside.

Have you ever heard a loud sound, and then looked at each other with the expression "What was that?!" It's the same curosity! Your child is just taking notice of different things in the world. If someone gets offended, it's really their problem. Don't get embarassed, but do encourage your child to be non-judgemental. If they are interested in skin color, take it a step further and tell the child that everyone has different color skin. Show the child how even your skin is a slightly different shade than hers. Teach her that even though we all have different skin color, we all have things alike too.
You can apologise if someone takes offense and just explain that she's grown curious about it, and that you're trying to teach her proper ediquette when you are around people.

I am not sure what the big deal is. I know I'm late with this discussion, but my kids are 3.5 and 5.5 and they are very well aware of different skin color and instead of them blurting it out, I've made a game of it. When we go out in public an see people, I would ask say "hey, what do you think", and they would look and say either "b- for black, I, for Indian, H for hispanic, W- white, O - for Oriental". Now, every once in awhile, they would just say "H" and I would say either yes or no.

If you turn the situation around and a little black girl asked if you were white, would you be offended? I wouldn't. It's kind of like you teaching your child is that person a man or a woman, mom or dad, boy or girl.

But, I do know some black people have been brought up believing white people feel they are superior and may take offense if they hear a white child asking if they are black. But, as long as you aren't racist, I don't think you should have felt ashamed at all. I can see somewhat imbarrassed because you aren't sure how the other person viewed the question, but seriously, it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

Yes, her grandparents may be and if that's the case, you should teach your child that it's not appropriate to judge someone, but simply noticing one's color is not judging them, it's merely noticing that they have a different shade of color. You may also want to talk to your mom and dad and make sure they aren't speaking negatively towards one race or another.

At 2.5 yr...they are just learning how to socialize to some extent. They don't understand quite yet about race, disability, and whether something is appropriate or not. My son used to point at disabled people and LOUDLY say something..."Hey mom! Look at that guy! He's got only one arm!" I just tried teaching him that some things are okay to say and others aren't. Just use simple explanations as to why you believe she shouldn't say something. Believe me, over time, she'll learn and before you know it...she'll be a diva in socialization. :D

By the time I'm reading this, it's several months old. For some reason it's popped back up in the daily MamaSource email, so I'm reading it now. The question has already been thoroughly answered, so I won't belabor the point with my own anecdotes. I just wanted to applaud the child who observed the "chocolate man". I LOVE that! I'm strawberry-chocolate, my brother is milk chocolate, and some of my friends are dark chocolate - but we're all chocolate - and some people are butterscotch or caramel. Yum! It's a delicious world in which we live. Pass the cherries, please.

I don't have any really grand advice, except to try not to feel too distressed when she does this. If others aren't particularly understanding of her inquiries, it's partially their issue. Most people know children at this age are extremely direct and naturally curious. Obviously her inquiries have no bad, malicious, racially directed intent. When my children make inappropriate comments or inquires toward others, I try to remind them that perhaps that isn't the 'nicest' way to say something. And that 'sometimes' it is best to not ask others these questions.

I did have a story to share with you....

I grew up in a very small, not diverse community. The first time I saw an african american person (I was probably 3ish) and I said, "tee hee hee, hair!"

I am sure my mother was horrified! So you're not the only one. :)

First off - there is NOTHING wrong with kids "noticing" differences. It's normal. They will do it no matter what.

You need to get the book: "Nurture Shock" - it addresses the fact that we white parents are uncomfortable teaching about race.

We cannot ignore racial differences thinking that our kids will follow. We can't simply just have books and pictures of other races - we have to have DIRECT and specific conversations about that BLACK people are just as smart/successful/nice as WHITE people. Don't just say "all people are equal" because that doesn't cut it. Kids' brains compartmentalize whether they like it or not - they categorize people by race, gender, etc.

My 2 cents. Yes, racism is taught but this is not racist behavior. This is a child noticing that people look differently. My daughter once referred to a "black woman" and she was referring to her hair color. And to Cindy H...Oriental? A very old-fashioned term and probably considered racist. It also marks you as being a little backwards. Sorry.

Totally normal for her, she is noticing how people are different and wanting to talk about it. Once my daughter asked very loudly if an older lady was a pirate because she was wearing an eye patch. Try not to act or be embarrassed. It made it much worse for me. Also, if you notice the person is uncomfortable by the comment, say something like, “sorry, kids---geeezzz’ or ‘my daughter/son is starting to notice people are different, sorry s/he is so direct.”

Simply say at the time of the statement ‘people are different and don’t all look or act the same, that’s what makes our world a good place’ or ‘sometimes people get hurt and need help’ Had to use that one when my daughter nearly screamed while pointing – ‘that guy has no legs!’. Then, when you are at in the car or at home, teach her the socially acceptable words and explain in simple terms how and why people are different and how it’s a good thing we are. Also start to teach her about what is ok to say out loud and what is not.

I took awhile, but by saying to my daughter – its ok to think and feel those things, but we talk about the quietly or once we are alone. I could see how she would want to say something, but I would look at her, and she would know what it meant. We would talk on our way out of the store about what she wanted to say. After a few times, it becomes easy.

Hi E.,

Well, I'm late coming in,but wanted to add my 2 cents' worth to this great discussion you've sparked. With my son (4 years) I talk about skin color as part of a larger discussion that also involves the color of hair & eyes. We've talked about that someone who has darker/lighter skin has one (or two) parents with darker/lighter skin, eyes, hair, whatever. Also that hair can be curly, straight, wavy, etc. I'm a biologist, so I couch it in terms of genetics.

The top-of-the-lungs observations can make us cringe, but kids are just learning about the world, and, as you said, categorizing EVERYTHING. If you are matter-of-fact and accepting, there's no reason she shouldn't be, too.

I was born in a small east-coast college town where just about everybody with darker skin was a foreign student. When I was about 3, we moved to Seattle to a much more diverse section of town. My mom said that the first time I saw someone with darker skin I (very loudly) inquired about which country she came from! I'm sure my mom wanted to melt into the floor, but that had been my experience up to that point.

Keep talking to your daughter about skin color, and enjoy her observations of the world!
C.