What's Normal with a New Baby- Husband Socializing

Hi M.:

I am also a breastfeeding SAHM Mom to a five month old. I totally understand what it is like to feel so in love with your baby but needing help.I feel the more help I get the better Mom I am. :-)

Here are my thoughts based on my experience:

Like most things, until you experience it, you don't know what it is like to walk in another's shoes. With that being said,I think that men don't have a clue how much work that it is to breastfeed and to pump and to essentially be on call 24/7 caring for a baby.....until they have to do it or at least come close. So, here is what I would suggest. Give yourself a day off and your husband experience caring for the baby!! On the weekend, pick a day and have your husband take care of the baby ENTIRELY on his own. (If he needs to call his Mom, so be it, what can I say.;)) In order not to make extra (pumping) work for yourself, arrange your day that you only have to supply one bottle of breast milk or (if you prefer) you can tell your husband that you will only be there to breatfeed and HE will handle all else. I mean ALL else.(I suggest going out because he needs to work it out on his own and if you are there he will be tempted to ask you for help.) So, wake up do the morning feeding and then when you are finished wake your husband up and he is now in charge...hand over the baby. You go take a bubble bath or go to the health club and be back to do the next feeding which is completely doable because your are probably on a 3 hour schedule. Do the 10am feeding and then leave, while you are gone, have him feed the bottle of expressed breast milk at 1pm and be back for the 4pm feeding. You now have a 5 hour window to do whatever you want!! Also, do something for yourself, see a friend, go to a spa, hang out at a bookstore. Don't be tempted to run errands to Costco! :-) When you get home do the 4pm feeding and by this time, you might really be missing both your baby and your husband or you might want your husband to handle the bath too.

This will give your husband a really great perspective on the resposibilities involved with fully taking care of the baby when there is just one parent at home. Also, it will enable your husband to feel more confident taking care of your baby (which I am guessing is why he has his Mom come over to help). After handling all of this on his own, he will probably think twice about that trip. If not, at least you know that you can go and get a day off on the weekend if you need to as well.

Good luck and take care,
A.

You are not being unreasonable. Your life has turned upside down and his sounds like it is going on seamlessly. My husband was a huge help with my firt. We were both pretty much on lock down the first 5-6 months before she was sleeping all night long. He was annoyed a little that I didn't keep house the same and that since being a SAHM was my JOB that I shouldn't expect him to do a lot when he came home. Again he was a huge help most of the time without being asked but he was resentful some of the time too. It was hard. I learned to ask more for help. I'd ask him to stop for groceries sometimes or he'd be in charge of Sunday's dinner. For the most part if I needed a break, I'd have to leave the house. There was no way for me to not be involved in the baby care/household chores if I was in the house. I found that when I put my husband in charge I would hover and criticize no matter how hard I tried not to. The more alone time he had with her, the more attached he got.
If I were you, I'd let your husband take his breaks now and again (I feel like he's pushing his luck a little) and make sure you get as much of a break as often as you can. Even if it's to go grocery shopping without the baby. Let him have the baby on his own often without you there even if he calls grandma. He'll come around. The first few months are hard for men. I think that once the baby can "do" more and don't seem so fragile, most men really turn around.

I can agree with the other posters that it is very important to get hubby involved now. But, how was he raised? In my husband's family, the women pretty much do most of the child raising. I had a little difficult time as well getting him involved at first. There are still times that I want to ring his neck for going out and having fun while I stay home and clean, take care of the kids, etc. I'm not sure if he is going every weekend but if he takes a weekend every month, then you should be a able to do the same. It will be hard to get him involved but maybe what you need to do is hand him the baby and go take care of a load of laundry. I know it doesn't take that off your very full plate but it might get him more involved. He may be a little unsure of himself also with a still tiny 3 month old.
My husband swore up and down that he would NEVER change a diaper and he would not ever change or wash a girl because it just is not right for a man to do that. Well, with 3 babies he did not have a choice. :) Now he is very involved with our newest family member though still sometimes insist I take it all.

I had similar things happen with my first husband. Sorry to say it was my first husband because he wasn't 98% wonderful, he had a few other flaws. AT any rate the other part sounds similar and he didn't help much but as I look back we did negotiate a few things. For instance if it costs anything for your husband to do those tournaments, perhaps you can allow yourself a few dollars to do something that will make you feel happy. Or get a person to help you while you are still around the baby so you don't miss the baby too much, but you can do the chores or whatever. Or take a bubble bath. Or go sit with a friend somewhere. You and I wanted our husbands to help, but they didn't necessarily understand also how important that is to us. The two percent that is selfish, doesn't see our needs. So we have to take the bull by the horns and make ourselves happy. Baby makes you very happy, and I am sure baby makes hubby happy but he is perfectly comfortable being happy doing other things.And he knows the baby is in good hands with you. We're just at our happiest with our baby. I remember one time my husband wanted to go on a fishing vacation and we stayed at a cabin with no televsion, no radio, no nothing. He went out and fished all day. He expected me to take a brand new baby on a row boat. We did for about twenty minutes and I was a wreck. I also told him if he didn't stop leaving us, that I would go sit with the young fishermen next door. So he left us and I did. Needless to say we went siteseeing the next day. The point is that you can make some rules and negotiate. You have more power than you think. He may get grandma or someone to watch the baby on his watch, but you can also do things for you. And perhaps his style is just different. He is after all a man. You'll be fine. Just make you happy. And if he is insisting on this tournament thing, you insist on something fair for you and let him feel the consequences.

If you do not get him on board now, you're going to likely be stuck bearing the majority of child-rearing by yourself. Please don't forget, he's 50% of making the baby...and for your sake and the childrens' sake he needs to be 50% of the child-rearing too.

It is very tough for a new parent to transition to life as a new parent. There's no more "what *I* want to do" and "what *we* want to do"; it's intensive scheduling around the baby. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying abandon your friends and your activities but as you have learned there is a transition due to this new little human who needs your help.

It is time for your husband to grow up and become a father and not just a dad who helped create the baby. He does not have to quit his hobbies but they need to be secondary while the baby is the priority. You need to be firm and direct with him and let him know that you need help caring for the baby. You need a break and some down-time too. Sometimes men don't get it and you really need to spell it out for him exactly what your expectations are. If you haven't yet had this conversation, please do so. Give him guidance but don't 'tell' him how to do things or that he is doing things wrong (unless, of course, the baby's health is in jeopardy).

Start now and get him on board. My son is almost 2 and I have my husband convinced that it takes 2 people to safely bathe a child! I have an extra pair of hands and eyes, someone to hand my towels and soap, but more importantly he gets to experience the funny moments when my son pees in the bathtub, figures out how a toy works, laugh when he splashes water all over the place, or just looks so darned cute like all kids do in the tub. Granted, my husband does things differently with my son but it is great because it has become 'special bonding' activities that are unique to the two of them. Plus, he's become completely confident in caring for our son when I have to be away for a little bit.

It is not unreasonable to expect your husband to spend time with the baby by himself like a big boy. He helped making the baby and needs to help taking care of the baby.

Nursing is an intense time and I do understand how you feel but my advice is to focus on the fact that you say he is 98% wonderful!
That is very impressive.
Remember he is figuring parenting out too. Share how you feel and negotiate. And seek out as much help from others as you can.

I'm one of those people who is willing to go to extremes to make a point, so please take my assertive personality into consideration when reading this, but.... I would tell him you need him to watch the baby on a Sat. or Sun. because you have to go somewhere (bridal shower, hair appt., whatever) and even if you don't have anywhere to be, stay out of the house for at least 6 hours. It will be difficult because you will miss the baby, probably feel guilty and and worry that he has the baby totally off schedule. But, unless he's dense, he will learn to appreciate what you do and how hard it is to do it alone. I did it and now I get alot of help from my husband. The first year with a new baby is so hard and you're still newly married as well. It will get easier, I promise.