My Husband Does Not Want My Mother Babysitting Our Daughter?

Updated on November 26, 2018
C.S. asks from Orange Cove, CA
18 answers

I have absolutely no idea why my husband doesnt want my mother babysitting our daughter. I haven't worked 2 years because of this problem and now I'm getting to the point where I need to work to help make ends meet but he doesnt want my mother to babysit. Only his mother is considered worthy enough to babysit, but she lives 25 miles away and has a job, so she can't and she said the only way she would do it is if we pay her the same as her work does which is close to 400 a week. My mother asks for no pay. My mother is a good mother, shes been married to my father for 30 years and raised me with good morals but it isn't enough for my husband. My mother in law has been married twice and forbid her ex to see my husband and brother in law when they were kids which is why they don't have a relationship with their father. And she also made her recent husband choose between her and his daughters. My mother is a completely different person from her. And it pains me that my husband does not see it.

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So What Happened?

I'm only comparing morals because he believes himself to be a Christian and talks down on people who do what his mother has done. And I have asked him plenty of times why he doesnt like my mom babysitting, he just says he would rather his mom do it. He knows my mom well. We lived with my parents the first 3 years of our marriage. And they did nothing but show him respect and treat him the same they treat me. They wouldn't charge us for rent or any bills, so we can save money to get ourselves on our feet. And this is nothing new. In past times he has just said that he blames everyone for his parents divorce and also blames everyone on why he and his dad don't have a relationship. I honestly think that he is just controlling and wants everything done his way. Sorry I don't know how to reply to each message. I'm new here

More Answers

D.B.

answers from Boston on

So, your husband has no experience with a good mother, and no experience with a loving father. You all lived with your parents for 3 years, but he cannot evaluate your parents' abilities. Even with 3 years of few if any expenses, you cannot make ends meet. Your husband apparently throws his religion around as an excuse for not practicing its basic principles. He will not communicate with you.

This is not about your mother and her abilities. This is about.him controlling you in every way and isolating you (money, family, communications). His mother did this - control and isolation, taking people's support systems away from them. He's doing it to you.

Get counseling immediately. If he is angry and potentially violent, take your child and go live with your parents while you get legal advice.

You can't reply to individual messages unless you private message people, but that will take time and others won't see your replies. Add info to the "So What Happened" or the main question, but write "ETA" (Edited To Add) each time so people can see that some responses were made before additional info. But better to spend your time getting a counselor.

10 moms found this helpful

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

Have you asked your husband why he does not want your mom to babysit?

You haven't given us a lot of info and I find it hard to believe that he suddenly has an issue with your mom. I think there has been an underlying (or known) issue for some time. Maybe you have chosen not to address it or communicate about it.

You are his wife. How can you possibly not know?

8 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

it's worrisome to me that the only person who has a say in this is your husband. why does he get to be the sole decider on this important issue?

i don't care what your MIL has done wrong, that's not the issue. the problem is your husband making a unilateral decree, and you just *ask* him why he's making an illogical decision that is hurting your family finances.

your final sentence about him being controlling hits the nail on the head.

worry less about who's babysitting and more about who's holding your little family in a tight fist.

is that the model you want your child to grow up with?

khairete
S.

8 moms found this helpful
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M.S.

answers from Oklahoma City on

C., This situation sounds so upsetting. I wonder if this is part of a bigger problem between you and your husband. He sounds controlling and it seems like you don’t have enough say in decisions. It might be a good idea to get some professional help to address the imbalance. Blessings.

7 moms found this helpful
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N.C.

answers from San Diego on

Your mother in law is a parental alienator and your husband is now also becoming one to your child. Be very careful, for this reason do not let his mother watch your child. Let your mother watch your daughter for a healthy and happy family.

Your husband will turn on you one day, just wait and see that he will be saying you will not be “good enough” mother to see your child just like the grandmother.

If you Family isn’t good enough he thinks you arnt either.

Expose him! Take control!

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

ETA: Changing my answer now that you added more info.
So if he's just controlling - this isn't really a babysitting question. This will affect everything in your marriage, and your childrearing years, and yours and your child's well being.

I don't know what to tell you.

I'm not exactly sure what your question is. You know your husband doesn't want your mom to babysit, so you don't need a question mark at the end of your question. The answer as to why is .. he wants his mom to.

It likely doesn't have anything to do with your mother (nothing personal).

I know lots of men like this - and my friends couldn't stand it. The were pretty unhappy in their marriages. Their husbands had to be right (pretty narcissistic), they were mommas' boys, and their mothers could do no wrong. They blame everyone else ....

You are not going to have your voice heard here. Your parents helped out and it was convenient and served his/your needs. He wants his mom to care for his/your child. It sounds like an ego thing to me.

I could be wrong. I think you need to be honest with yourself here. Maybe go talk to a counselor to see how to proceed with a husband you describe as controlling. I'd start demanding to be heard.

5 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

You have absolutely no idea? Ask him.

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B.A.

answers from Minneapolis on

He wants control. However, if he does not want your mother, he probably would find fault and make it very difficult for her to care for your daughter. Get a list of childcare options with prices and give to your husband. Include your mother-in-law at $400 a week in there. He needs to know the costs of options before both of you make a choice . Please be involved in this and any other decision involving your child. You are her mother and he does not get to veto anything you voice your opinion on.

4 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

You need some marriage counseling.
Hubby needs to explain exactly what he doesn't like about your mom and if the reason is trivial then he needs to get over it.
Working with a financial planner wouldn't be a bad idea either.
While using your mom as free day care might work for awhile it would be good to get regular day care in place - you'll still need it for after school once your child is old enough to go.
Additional:
Sounds like your husband has missed some critical growing up.
He needs a therapist to help him resolve his issues with his parents and when that is taken care of THEN he can have a mature relationship with your parents.
He needs this before he makes his issues into your kids issues.

4 moms found this helpful

B.J.

answers from Los Angeles on

It has nothing to do with his mother or your mother. It has everything to do with him being a control freak. I am probably projecting too much , but my ex was worried I would cheat on him if I went anywhere,and would have a fit whenever I went to work or wanted a break from the kids.FYI he cheated on me constantly.

4 moms found this helpful

C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

Added: I just read your SWH. It just sounds like he is controlling and wants his way, and you are letting him control you. If you want a job, then get a job. Tell him, "honey, sometimes we don't get our way in life. I got this great job that starts Monday and my mom is watching our child. It's all set up. She will be great at it." YOU need to take control of your own life and your husband needs to support your decisions and support the things you want to do. It sounds to me like you have a huge husband problem. I wish you luck.
____________
Did you ask your husband why he doesn't want your mom babysitting? Listen to his answer, and keep an open mind about it. Also, why does your husband get the ultimate say in things? It seems like you defer to him. Your opinion matters as much as his. Yet, you also need to think of yourselves as a team and listen to each other and try to understand. Maybe he has a pretty good reason for not wanting your mom to watch your child? Maybe not though. I don't know. Personally, i think you should get a job and put your daughter in a nice little preschool even if you only work part time. And even if most of what you make goes towards the preschool/childcare. This is what I did and it then eventually led me into an even better job as my kids got older and were in school.

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S.B.

answers from Houston on

Your problem is you are asking permission of someone who is controlling and domineering. He knows his mom can't watch the grandchild so therefore you can't get a job. There are daycares but I suppose he doesn't want the child in daycare. Its time to take a stand. I would tell him that mom is going to watch the grandchild and I am going to get a job.

You have a husband control problem that needs to be addressed ASAP. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

Welcome to mamaepdia,C..

Why are you allowing your husband to dictate your life? You almost sound like a verbally abused W..

Your marriage needs a mediator - in other words - you guys need counseling PRONTO.

You need your husband to explain why he doesn't want your mother to help take care of his child?
Is their home messy?
Does your mom have health issues that would preclude her from taking care of your daughter?
Does your dad have health issues?
Do they have pets that your daughter is allergic to? WHAT EXACTLY is his problem? He MUST be able to explain it.

You're comparing "morals" - and that's not what is needed - it doesn't matter if your MIL has been married 100 times - it's obvious you don't like her. You feel she is beneath you - since she's been married and forbade the father from seeing. Keep in mind - that is your husband's "NORMAL" - and it's his mom. This is the W. who made your husband. She is the one who shaped him and molded him into the man you loved enough to marry. Keep that in mind when you talk about her with disdain.

His mom is willing to quit her job to take care of her grandchild - however - she expects to be paid per week - what she is making, correct? While not unreasonable - if you can't afford it - or your salary would be equal to what you would be paying her? It's not worth it. You would have to make $1K a week to compensate for her wages, taxes, etc.

Now your mom is willing to do it for "free". How close is YOUR mom? Is she willing to come to your home or would you take your child to her home?

Will EITHER grandmother have activities for your daughter to do? Or will she be stuck in front of a TV all day? How does each one plan on caring for your daughter? Will they stick to the schedule you have? Why can't you put your daughter in day care and avoid all of this?

Please, if you can't talk to your husband about WHAT his problem is? And HOW your daughter is going to be cared for? You need marriage counseling. You also might need financial counseling if you can't live within your means.

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D..

answers from Miami on

I'm sorry, but I don't know why you are married to such a hypocrite. It's a shame you had a baby with him. He will end up trying to turn his child against you.

Perhaps you need to just get the job and then take the child over to your mom's and refuse to talk about it with him. He's holding you hostage by not letting you work because he won't accept anyone but his mother, who isn't going to ever do it.

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M.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Your husband turned out like his mother. A jealous jerk. That's why.
Sorry...shouldn't have called him a jerk, but it sounds like he and his mother want the last word on who gets to have the "best" relationships with everyone.

2 moms found this helpful

L.U.

answers from Seattle on

Sounds like your husband doesn't really care if your mother babysits or not. Sounds like your husband KNOWS his mother can't do it (or you can't afford it), and knows that if your mother watches the child that you will go to work. And maybe, just maybe....he doesn't want you to work and would prefer you home with the child.
That's the FIRST thing that popped in my head.

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E.M.

answers from Louisville on

Try asking. ??? Obviously he has some issue and you need to find out what it is

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A.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

You need to ask him WHY he would rather have his mom babysit. The fact is that she is further away, AND, it would be a financial commitment for you if his mom was your regular sitter. He needs to present a better reason than just because he'd rather it that way. Call him out on the fact that he's holding back. He need to be honest with you even if he has something critical to say about your mom or her babysitting. Or is it that he just wants this experience for his mom, like he can't deprive her, or he feels like your baby should have the exact same caregiver he did growing up. Is is worried about something with your mom? Maybe he does have a legit concern he isn't sharing. Maybe he just wants to ensure his mom has a good amount of time to bond and build a relationship with her grandchild. I would ask if it would it help if you created some regularly scheduled "grandma time" for her? Like a once week date night for you if she would also want to do that? I would keep talking with him, he needs to fully participate in a real discussion, right now it sounds like he's not doing that.

1 mom found this helpful
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