Types of Introverts

Every child has a unique personality. Every child engages socially in a different way. There's no need to call it anything.

Stop mentioning it. When it's time to go, just get ready, pack up and go. When he complains, give a noncommittal "Mmhmm." There's no reason to argue with him about the fact that you know he'll have fun, and there's no reason to give him an "I told you so" when it's all over and he did have fun. Just let him be who he is. He's not broken. There's nothing wrong with him. And he's not a grouch. He just takes a little longer to warm up and get engaged in social situations. I'm the same way at 35.

I'm an introvert (need quiet time alone to recharge my energy) and if asked to do something new will almost always say "no" first. Given time to process the new thing, I will often get to "yes" and enjoy it. I don't like team sports, don't see the point in them, but can get a little competitive over sports like karate. Enjoy running, swimming, biking, ice skating - things I can do alone.

How about changing the language about him. "Making him go" is different than setting an expectation ahead of time that he will take part in a planned family activity or outing. Include him in the conversation, give choices when possible. Once an agreement is made, stick to it.

It's important to note that he has friends and kids like him. He'll be OK in his own way.

Your son sounds a lot like mine, though I never considered him introverted, just more of a homebody (like my husband.)
Re the video games, that was also my son's favorite activity, especially playing online/group games with his friends, and you know what? I didn't really limit it. I mean, I considered that HIS leisure time, you know, and he should get to choose to do what he wants. As long as he got his exercise, chores and schoolwork were done, etc. then I didn't care what he did with his free time. And of course he had to join in family outings and activities too.
I mean can you imagine someone setting a limit on your favorite hobby, just because they didn't like it or approve? God knows my husband thinks I waste a crazy amount of time on Pinterest but he doesn't make me feel bad about it.
ETA: my son is now a computer science major at a good university, minoring in education, and he has a girlfriend and a very active social life, so no harm done with all the gaming, clearly :-)

well, 'introvert' is sort of a catch-all term under which many different sorts of folks fall. most people wouldn't think i'm introverted. i'm very comfortable with public speaking, a good listener, and very articulate. but too much time with people- any people- exhausts me, and i recharge my batteries through solitude. in contrast, my very extroverted younger son, who is equally articulate and great at listening, dislikes solitude and finds that he gets energized and revitalized through interactions with other people.
and i have to giggle at your son's college aspirations. both my kids are pretty avid gamers, and my younger is frustrated right now because college and work are eating his brain, and he has so little time to game. now it's 'i can't wait til i graduate and have time to play my video games again!'
and yet despite their gaming, both my introverted elder son and extroverted younger one have jobs, friends, and busy social lives.
your son just seems to be a homebody, with some introverted tendencies. let him have his quirks.
khairete
S.

"Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people."

Yep, Kimberly said it perfectly. Many people have the idea that an introvert is necessarily someone who is anti-social or super quiet or a loner. I really think Kimberly's definition is accurate.

I can't really say whether your son fits the definition perfectly. You would know that better than anyone. In my response I called him a "homebody." Not exactly the same thing, but pretty close.

I would be more concerned about helping him learn how to behave appropriately. He does need to be able to go to the pool with you and his brother. He does need to be able to participate in some large group activities. He doesn't always have to like it, but he does need to understand that these activities are part of life. I love these kinds of activities, but I do not enjoy loud music, concerts, dance clubs. These are just not my thing at all!!! But, I need to realize that you sometimes have to do the things your friends like to do and do them with a smile.

Good luck!!!

You can be a homebody and not an introvert, and vice versa. The thing about being an introvert is not that you don't enjoy people or doing things, but that you are drained from doing them. Yes! Those things can be fun! (once you get there and get going). But group activities won't be AS fun to an introvert as they will to someone who isn't an introvert. Simply because they are mentally taxing for us.
We need downtime to recharge . Quiet time. Time ALONE. Not just time reading, but time reading with no one around interrupting, or no one making noise a few feet away. Time ALONE.

I love my husband dearly. He is a wonderful, wonderful man. But, his work schedule requires that he adhere to a sleep schedule that is not what is natural for me. I am a night owl. And so I tend to get my "alone time" after everyone else in the house is asleep.
I get stressed and frazzled and grumpy when there is a lot of activity and people, and multiple conversations going at once. I want to pay attention to every one of them... but you can't. It makes my head feel like it's going to implode sometimes.

But, after the get-together is over and everyone goes home, I'll say I had a great time! I did! But then I am worn out. Exhausted. And need my husband and kids to go to bed or something so I can recoup.

Maybe your son needs more alone time than he is getting. Maybe the alone time he is getting isn't alone enough?
OR, maybe he is not an introvert at all, but just is more of a homebody. I go through spells where I have zero interest in going "out into the world" and am content to just stay home. Working in the yard. Reading. Doing Laundry even. Just don't make me GO somewhere. We are always going. Going going going. Whew!

What does his time look like? My son is 16 this week, and he loves to DO things. But, he also will ask me straight up (and has for years) "Do we have to go anywhere today?" and express relief when I say, "no." He gets tired of being on the go, too. Sometimes I think he'd be happy never going anywhere. But too many days of that and he'll be happy riding to Target to get out of the house.

Maybe you are just trying too hard to make him fit into a particular label?
Just take a big picture look at your household's schedule and ask yourself:
Are there periods of time when we just never stop going? Maybe he just gets burned out on it faster than you do.

As an introvert myself, I don't think it's easy to just declare this 'introvert behavior'. Mainly because more of these actions you describe sound like controlling behavior, period. Playing a game with other kids.... are they all in the same room, or meeting up online? My nephew is very introverted (we have the same Briggs Meyers results) and will play video games online with a group, but get him IN a group of other kids and he's far more reserved. I myself tend to avoid 'big group' things (like a "mom's brunch" with mom's group) but am fine at a sports event with just my husband or another couple, or sitting with a couple of ladies to enjoy a drink in the evening. It's really about the level of intensity of the situation. I enjoy more intense socializing with just a few people far more than small talk with 'the group'. The small, intense socializing is energizing to me, while a group event is decidedly draining.

People aren't static, and there are various degrees of introversion. From what you write, it doesn't seem so much a problem with 'introversion' inasmuch as you have a problem transitioning an unwilling kid.

Some kids who are anxious about something may show these sorts of actions. I've seen it on a few occasions with children who had a big change coming up (starting K, new baby, other big events like moving houses).... when I was a nanny to those kids, I realized this was largely about control. They couldn't control other areas of life, but pitch a fit! and see if they couldn't get mom to say "heck, we'll just stay home!" It can get ugly, but if the end goal is having control, they got what they wanted. I have a sister who has had spells of agoraphobia+ OCD and a sense of control is often at the crux of it. Leave the house and that control is GONE.

I've taken care of a few strongly introverted children and I didn't see their introversion manifested in the ways you describe. Instead, the child often had a strong sense of how they cared for themselves and would bring books/an activity to focus on (instead of the other kids) or was very talkative and relational with one or two close friends or the adult. How it manifested was that the child usually didn't go off with the group of kids there, but would find themselves quite comfortable just doing what they wanted to do. As a kid, I would end up going on walks alone; was always a solitary kid, liked having that quiet time. I didn't fight about going out, though.

I think, instead of focusing solely on the introversion, it would be good to help your son get *out of the habit* of stalling and gumming up the works when you are ready to go. You might need to create a light incentive program, something which suits him. (maybe after 10 times of leaving the house with no complaining, he can pick out a family movie for a fun popcorn and snuggles night, or beg off running an errand when the other parent is home?) When my son (7) starts to fuss about having to go to the store, I might offer that he can ride his bike, or put a small carrot out there--- we can watch a show after we get back, etc. I can time privileges like tv/video games to happen AFTER the errands which need doing. Small carrots, but it gets him out of the habit of arguing.

I also might just get myself ready, grab a book, and sit on the porch and wait until he's ready to go. Immediately, I've removed the attention (me).... I think the trick though is that you have to allow extra time for the transition. And then, don't get hooked in emotionally; stay neutral as much as possible around this.

The book "Taking Charge: Caring Discipline that works at Home and at School"by Joanne Nordling also has some good approaches, too.

He actually sounds a lot like me. I was involved in a lot in high school, but other than music and student council, I tended toward individual activities like swimming and speech. I was extremely shy and hated being put in the spotlight. I was a little opposite from your son because I looked forward to doing things, but then was disappointed in the event, and came home thinking I didn't want to do that anymore. I spent 90% of my free time reading or practicing my music. I never went to parties, and I only went to dances because I felt like I was supposed to go and I pretty much hated every minute. My 16th birthday was spent with my family. My 18th birthday was spent with my family. My 21st birthday ended up with about 15 people going out for dinner. I was very uncomfortable the entire time. Later I went out with 4 close friends for drinks.

As an adult, I'm a lot the same. Given the choice of going to a get together or staying home alone to read, most of the time I will choose staying home. I'm involved in a couple of groups, but they are small, intimate groups. And I am the one who determines how involved I am. I will go to get togethers with my husband, but I'm usually the one who is kind of hanging out on the edges, maybe talking with one or two other people, but more likely just listening to the conversations around me. It is not unusual for me to be looking forward to an event, only to back out at the last minute just because I don't have the energy to deal with other people. I need lots of alone time to "recharge" so that I can do the things I have to do for my family and my teaching job. And if I don't get that time to recharge, I'm a "grouchy homebody." Ironically though, most of my closest friends are total extroverts. But, they understand that I'm not as social as them and they respect that.

Both of my parents and my brother are kind of the same. But my husband is not at all like that. He thrives on being around other people. It has caused some minor frustrations in our marriage. He is willing to go to a wedding for a co-worker's kid that he's never met. I'm OK with skipping any wedding that isn't family (and even some of those I've been OK with missing) and very close friends. I really stress out if I'm forced into a social scene that I'm not mentally prepare for. Even meeting a friend unexpectedly at Target or at the coffee shop where I have gone for solitude can be stressful for me. I've been known to pretend that I didn't see someone, just to avoid having to interact with someone. Other times, I'm perfectly OK with running into people. And usually after a few minutes of talking to someone I'm OK with it. But it still stresses me out.

There isn't anything wrong with being an introvert. Google "the differences between extroverts and introverts" or "things never to say to an introvert." A friend of mine (a fellow introvert) has posted several things like that on her Facebook page. I can't believe how many of them have fit me to a T. As an introvert, I would suggest letting your son just be himself. I don't think letting him be a hermit is OK. But let him choose what he wants to do. If he doesn't want to play a team sport, that's fine. Don't overbook him. Let him have a lot of down time. Let him choose the one or two things he wants to be involved in. Maybe a book discussion group is more his style. Just don't push too much. I still harbor negative feelings towards a couple of friends from college who always pushed me to be involved in more social events than I was comfortable with. And whatever you do, don't let him think it is "weird" or "bad" to not want to be as socially active as the rest of the family is. Be respectful of his need to "recharge." He might not ever conform to "more socially acceptable levels of social involvement." But that's OK. many of the greatest writers, scientists, musicians, philosophers, inventors, etc. were introverts.

He does not sound like an introvert, he sounds like he doesn't like to transition.

My family has a huge range of abilities to transition going from not at all, my son with autism, to my older daughter who can't seem to understand why her younger sibs are content to just read or play video games.

It isn't that my son doesn't enjoy the events I drag him to, it is that he is enjoying what he is doing when we must get ready and go. If everything was timed to the precise moment he grows bored with one activity life would be sweet! It isn't.

I will use showering as an example. Nothing social about a shower, right? I get the same push back trying to get him in the shower if he has started an activity. Considering he will drain the hot water tank if I let him, he enjoys showers. He just doesn't like to transition.

Not saying your son is autistic by the way. My younger daughter is the same way just not as extreme.

Regardless of what he is, your son should not be a grouch. I would have a serious talk with him about the kind of person he is and wants to be. Is the glass half full or half empty? How would he like being around you if you complained about going out or even staying in. Act the way he acts and hopefully he will get that it is not fun being around someone with those behaviors and he will stop acting like this.

If he were my child, I would tell him he doesn't have to want to or like what you are doing as a family but he does have to be pleasant and agreeable. Trust me, you will be doing him a huge favor by changing his behavior. Hopefully the change in behavior will lead to a change in attitude.

I'm not sure introvert is the right term.
He's fine with others once he gets started - it's the getting started transition that seems to be so hard for him.
Not everybody likes team sports - that doesn't neccesarily make them an introvert - they are just not team players - and there's nothing wrong with that.
Video addiction might be a problem for him.
You won't be telling him to get off when he's in college bu if he doesn't study and do the work (self regulated) he's not going to last long.
He also seems to lack a bit of empathy - when he's done and wants to leave he doesn't care that going might spoil it for anyone else.
He wants what he wants when he wants it and he doesn't think about what anyone else might want.
It's partly the age - I thing everyone goes through a stage like that at some point - and he should out grow it to a degree sooner or later.

Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

As an introvert I had to learn many life skills to have success in the world at large.

See if you can get your son to be more specific about what he doesn't like about repeat participation in things? See if you can get your son to verbally express his feelings about the things he doesn't like. See if you can get him to commit to x number of outtings/activities over x time period. It is very valuable to learn how to broaden your horizons and push the limits of your comfort zone so you can participate more fully in life.

For instance August is going to be a huge buzy month for me and my familly, (vacationing with family, family reunion, Grandmother's 90 birthday celebration in a different state and a play directorial debut by the son of a dear friend) all within 1 week of each other. Each day I will squirrel away down time and each event I will probably cordon myself off for a time but will push through and have a good time doing it all and going everywhere.

My husband, also an introvert, is driving himself crazy with just how overwhelmed he is going to be and how much fun he isn't going to have.

How you respond and react to some situations are totally up to you. I'm choosing to have a good time already and I'm choosing to NOT be overwhelmed right now. My experience will probably be better than my husbands because my expectations are different from the outset.

I'm so glad my mom encouraged me to learn how to have a good time, how to manage my anxiety and to broaden my horizons but it did take time for me to come out of my shell. It wasn't until I was 12 that I actually went outside to play with the other kids without my mom. LOL

I was just happier watching life from my bedroom window, reading books and watching black and white movies.

Well, I would not blanket state that he is simply an introvert if he doesn't like to do the same things over and over. Maybe he is an introvert who is ALSO someone who likes variety. Or still finding what he likes best. Some people have one main hobby. Some people like to do lots of things.

I would take this into consideration if he needs a long term commitment and not sign him up if he won't do more than a few classes. I am an introvert who happens to prefer short term things vs long term ones. I'd rather do a play here and there and be intense about it for 3 months than be in a band that practices all year round. My sister was/is the opposite. My stepson is also introverted and can really focus. His sister is an extrovert who flitted from activity to activity til she hit theatre in HS.

I would put these two traits in different categories. That he is introverted (how he deals with emotional energy from others) and what he is interested in, and for how long. Introverts can be social. Just for different durations and need more rest after a party, for example. Introverts have friends, but often want to hang out in small groups instead of large ones, and wanting the friend at his house is not that unusual. If it's OK for the friend to be there, then invite him over. If not, then just say so. The boys have the option of asking the other friend's family or not. A lot of what you describe is solo activity - good for introverts, who don't need to interact with a team much to succeed. I have never liked group work. I'd much rather work 2x harder on my own than drag a group along to a goal.

I also find that some people need to build up. My DD is timid about new things. She likes to be right, the first time. If something is hard or doesn't come easily or is new and weird, she needs to inspect it, think about it, try it, might hang back at first. It's just her way. Is your son like that? Give him experiences where he can join in at his own pace or where there's less right vs wrong. Perfectionists can be introverted or extroverted.

I'd tell him that if he chooses this thing, he then chooses to go, willingly, for the duration of the session or you won't sign him up for the next thing. Tell him that you are glad he has fun, but he is old enough to participate without cajoling and weedling and nagging, which is no fun for you. I've told DD if she won't participate, then I'm not wasting my time driving to the class, waiting during the class, and driving all the way home. My time is valuable, too. I've also told her if she is going to be grumpy about things, then that makes me wonder why I am going through all this trouble. If she really wants to go, then she needs to shake it off and not grump at me. It makes me feel bad for trying to do something with her. Your son is well old enough to understand this, too, and respect your time....or understand that he cannot go.

Nobody is wine and roses all the time, but we can encourage the children to think about others and how their behaviors affect us, too.

LOL, your son sounds exactly like me! Being sociable is exhausting even when I enjoy it. When I was in my 20's, I had a small group of friends I did everything with- they were sort of my "safe" group. I didn't feel anxiety hanging out with them the way I would have with people I was less close to. But once I hit my late 20's and now in my 30's- I just can't do it. I love family bbq's or anything where I can just hang out at home, I don't have to worry about babysitters, I can have a glass of wine if I want- just so much less pressure and stress. That's the key thing about an introvert- social situations can be more stressful and anxiety-ridden than for extroverts.
Your son loves video games (something he can do alone), prefers to just hang out with a couple kids at a time, wants to sleep at HIS house, dislikes team sports. This is classic introvert, although some introverts vary in these areas. He does enjoy interaction, just sort of in low-key ways. As long as he says he has fun when it's all said and done, then he's cool. It's good that you bring him out even when he fusses- I began making excuses years ago and now the idea of going out almost makes me want to cry! I let it go too long, lol.

Sounds like me. I get really nervous in big crowds. I don't like them!! If it gets TOO hectic I start to panic and feel sick to my stomach.
I love going to baseball games, but I HATE when we leave, all those people rushing out like cattle to get to their cars. I sit in my car until most of the traffic has left, then I leave. Malls -- NOPE!! Christmas shopping in big stores -- Oh Hell NO!! I never did school group activities. My girls are each in band and I encourage them.
I love the idea of group activities, I want them, I just usually chicken out when I see the size of the group. Maybe that's why your son like the online gaming, "Hanging out" with a big(ish) group, in the safety of his own home?

For me, its not the activity or the fact of going OUTSIDE, its the uncertainty of the number of people outside. And the feeling of nowhere safe to go once out there.

I think it's worth mentioning that there's no official litmus test for introversion and extroversion. Most of us are more introverted in some situations and more extroverted in others, and these things can change, several times, over the course of a lifetime. These labels have some value in helping us understand ourselves and others, but there are a lot of situations where they outlive their usefulness.

However, as someone who tends toward the introverted side of things, I can relate very much to your son's tendency not to want to START group/social activities. I used to have the same conversation, week and week out, with my husband:

Him: But you loved the last party you went to. You talked to so-and-so. You had a great time.
Me: But, I used all my party-loving potential up on the last party. I'm still recovering from the first five minutes of that party, where I wasn't in a conversation yet.
Him: What?!
Me: Really!

Your son sounds like a confident, intelligent kid -- like he's doing a great job of being a kid. He sounds like he needs all the video-game limits he can get, but a lot of kids do ;). I'd say you're doing a great job, raising him so far.

Yeah, like I said before, he sounds like an introvert.

I guess my question to you is what do you think are characteristics of an introverted person? Often people think introverts are antisocial, rude, shy, don't know how to relax, never have fun, are misanthropic, etc. Usually those things aren't true.

Introverts are generally reserved, do not like large groups, become overly stimulated and thus weary and grumpy when placed in busy social situations, have a few close friends rather than many friends, prefer solitary activities such as reading, research, gaming, hiking, etc.

There as many different types of introverts as there are people. To me it seems like part of your problem with you son is that he is a typical ten year old (he is ten?). He doesn't want to go to grocery shopping with you... It is way boring. Of course he would rather play a video game. And the other part is he is introverted and may be dealing with others making him feel like there is something wrong with that and that wouldn't life be better if he were just more outgoing or wanted to be on the go, go go...

Sometimes it seems like there is an extrovert vs. introvert war among the masses. We introverts are smarter, more creative, far less annoying, much more independent. You extroverts are loud, annoying, not too bright, a bit like puppies with your incessant need for approval. No, you introverts are strange, grumpy, geeky, nerds who hate people and probably have no friends. We extroverts are funny, exciting, know how to have fun, aren't socially awkward freaks.

And extrovert is revitalized by being with people, while an introvert feels drained by them - usually if there are an uncontrollable number of people. When someone comes over, the number of people - and thus the type of friend that comes - is controlled, so they don't feel as drained. I would keep trying to get him out to do things, but try to control the number and type of people who are there, whenever possible.

I have never labelled my husband an introvert, but maybe he is. Maybe he has social anxiety, or a video game addiction. I do know that he likes to stay at home and play computer games, watch movies or putter around the house and yard. He doesn't like crowds or meeting new people. He doesn't enjoy going to museums, beaches, pools, amusement parks, church, water parks, malls, carnivals, water parks, zoos etc. He agrees to do these things once in a while, and even has a good time, but he is ready to leave long before the kids and I are done. He has friends, although he doesn't spend a lot of time with them. He is friendly and doesn't seem terribly awkward in social situations. He only comes across as a grouch when he is doing things he doesn't want to do or he has had enough of the activity.

My friend had a daughter with anxiety. She prefers to stay at home alone while the family goes out and has fun. They have been letting her stay alone for increasing lengths of time since she was 10. She is an excellent student, has lots of friends, hobbies and interests, but would be happy never to step foot outside of the house. She likes to have friends over, and like to play in the yard or on the street, but doesn't like to venture very far.

Hi! I don't think he is necessarily an introvert, but has anxiety about going out of his comfort zone. He enjoys his neighborhood friends and he probably just feels safe with them coming to his space so he can be himself. My son is 9 and we also went through different activities that he tired of quickly. He would rather not be on a schedule of having to be somewhere at a specific time. He wants to chill out at home, have friends over or go to their house. He is a very sensitive kid who is a pleaser and picky about his friend choices. Have you tried talking to your son about how it makes him feel before he has to go on an outing? Is it the unknown, the expectations, not excelling at a certain activity? My son doesn't want to do activities if he can't do it perfectly (he gets that from me). How does he do in crowds? If he is an introvert, that is okay. He sounds like a good kid regardless. His grouchiness is probably anxiety. That is what my anxiety does to me. :-)

I think the core problem is that you wish he was a different person. One that was more like you. You don't understand him and it frustrates you, but at least you're trying now.

If you let go of how you wish he would be, and you'll lose a lot of your irritation about his preferences not lining up with yours.