Transitioning to Junior High

This is typical of this transition into 6th grade. Did you child have several teachers in 4th & 5th? If not, he may not be used to having different teachers to "report to" and not just a single teacher looking over him. Sometimes teams of teachers work together to make sure tests and big assignments aren't on the same day, sometimes they don't.

He does need to up his game here. It's not clear from your post whether he's lost and confused, or going through some social adjustments or perhaps some puberty-related distractions which just make him not care as much. So, while it's his responsibility, most kids need some parental help/prompts to get them to ease into it. And, as you have identified, you have a parenting problem here because your husband is not at all on the same page as you. Maybe he hasn't transitioned to middle school either, or maybe he forgets what it was like. "Pressure" is forcing a kid to get all As; it's not telling him he has to fulfill his responsibilities. So if it's okay with your husband and son for your child to have the natural consequences of blowing off the work and getting on a homework contract, or getting low grades, then sometimes that has to be allowed to happen. I know it's not ideal, but no 7th grader ever got kept out out of a good college because he got detention or had to go for extra help either.

My suggestion is that you two set up a conference with the teachers or the guidance counselor so that a) your husband takes it seriously and b) the school can clue you in to supports that are available to help kids get organized. This will also give the school an idea of what they are dealing with in terms of your 2 different parenting styles. Yes, there's a website, but what else is available to give kids the organizational tools they need to move up into middle school? How can they help a mom who wants to oversee it and a dad who doesn't want to do anything but let the kid make the adjustments when he doesn't like the consequences? Maybe there's a happy medium that everyone can buy into.

I do think it's worth your child learning that he's not going to have activities until 8:30 if he doesn't get his homework done earlier. I tend to think you're on the right track - that's how I would do it (teach now, let him take on more responsibility as the year progresses) and your husband's approach would drive me crazy. If he's the type who won't do anything because he thinks you'll jump into the gap with both feet, that's a marriage/parenting issue to be resolved, and it does leave your son being a bit confused, which isn't fair to him. At this age, most tween/teen problems get worse if the parents aren't on the same page. This would be a good time for you two parents to present a much more united front to carry you through this and more serious problems that are going to present themselves pretty shortly.

I understand how it's possible for you and your husband to come from different viewpoints - so much depends on the personality, the family situation, the school, the way you both were raised, etc. But now, you have a son and it sounds like simply relying on the way it was when you and your husband were kids isn't working.

There seem to be a couple of things you can do right away. First, don't bring up to your husband any memories like "when I was in 6th grade, my dad..." etc. Focus on your husband's strengths or positive ways he interacts with your son.

Second, what are these activities that keep your son busy until 8:30? It would seem that it is time for the activities to be curtailed right now - it's pretty logical to say that if a person can't accomplish what's necessary and required, then the extra-curricular activities will have to wait until the student can become responsible. Make it known that you're not cancelling activities based on specific grades (you won't demand all A+ work), but you are demanding a simple fulfilling of basic requirements. Homework done on time, and done properly to the best of your son's abilities.

Third, 8:30 isn't a good or productive time to start thinking about homework when a kid is only in 6th grade. 8:30 is when your son should be winding down, relaxing, getting ready for bed. Your son needs to learn that if the work isn't done by supper, or 6 pm or so, it won't be rescued by you and done late at night, and he'll have to accept the consequences at school. Tell your son that you're not going to start any school related work at 8:30 at night.

Would your husband be willing to meet with the teacher (and you, and your son) to come up with a plan, and to hear the teacher's suggestions, and help your son become accountable to his teacher, and most of all, to himself? How much responsibility does this homework contract put on your son? Is he responding well to it?

It's one thing for your husband and you to have different methods of checking your son's homework, or the website, but this is about more than that. It's about helping your son learn basic responsibility, which he will need in all aspects of his life. If you can shift your thinking from "my dad helped me in this way" and "my husband just doesn't follow through with checking on homework" to "we as parents need to help our son become a responsible, independent young man and to become the kind of person who follows through and keeps his word, and we need to inspire him to accomplish what is required of him (in school, on a team, at a job, in life)", then maybe you and your husband can figure out what's most important and work together.

If you're asking: "does it sound fine to you that every night around 8:30pm my 11-year-old son and I launch a battle of wills that causes stress/angst/exhaustion" (until, what, 10pm or so?) - well, no, I cannot honestly tell you "sounds good to me".

Here's the thing - part of being a working parent in a healthy marriage is giving up some control of household tasks and parenting duties to the other parent. While you're at work, your hubby [fill in the blank - vacuums the rugs, roasts a chicken, parents your son] - and maybe he does none of those things exactly as you would do yourself, but you need to take a deep breath and be thankful that hubby is a participating partner for you. Before you drive yourself to madness by trying to micromanage all of the stuff that he does in addition to handling your own long work day.

Try doing this semester "his way", your husband's way - see what happens when your son has one semester of individual responsibility and school consequences like homework contracts. Your son won't be kept from a good college because of his first-semester sixth grade academic performance. Then at the end of this semester, around Christmas break, have a chat with your hubby to assess how the semester went and try to get on the same page and come to some agreement of what should be done next semester. Either way, 8:30pm is too late to begin a nightly homework battle with a sixth grader...he really should not be going to bed too much later than that...so if changes need to be made, the changes should be put into place nightly before 8:30pm.

No I can relate. I was away and same thing happened at our house.

My husband has no interest in chasing after our kids. I will do it, he will not. So when I was away, my kids didn't get their work done. So I had to play catch up when I came back. My kids' work that they handed it was appalling. I usually give it a glance over (the younger ones) before it gets handed it. My husband didn't bother.

I think he assumes they will do a good job. What is he thinking!!!

So I can relate.

I have a 6th grader and teaching her the transition to junior high where just because the assignment or quiz/text isn't tomorrow that doesn't mean you don't have homework it means you need to study the material tonight, tomorrow night, and then again the night before the test has been difficult.

I am pretty hands off in that homework is done between 5 and 7 pm. Before 5 they haven't had a chance to unwind from their day and after 7 we are all getting tired and grumpy.

So, I am thinking that you coming home at 8 pm and starting on the homework process is way way too late in the evening.

Our parent login to check assignments has a student login as well. I have put this on the home screen of my daughter's phone and I text her to check it. Texting is new to her and she likes the technology aspect. So, I am on your page of teaching this as a life skill and asking follow up questions, like do you have homework? Anything due on Friday? Any quizzes/tests this week? Any projects coming up? (Also, she uses Google calendar as her school is big on technology....but a paper planner is just as good.)

It sound to me like your husband doesn't want to have to follow up because it seems like your son is lying and then he has to deal out consequences for lying and then not doing and/or supervising homework. Or he believes in natural consequences. Can you guys plan a dinner out together without your son to visit about this and just have a nice date night? I know my husband would not be into double checking homework stuff and he would let them have the natural consequences of failing and homework contracts. Not out of laziness but not seeing the need to "teach" this skill. It a mom vs dad way of doing things. You guys need to get out and visit about it away from the situation and not at 9 pm.

Oh, one thing I did with my daughter was to make her figure out if she had a 0, how many 100s it would take to bring that one missing assignment up to an A. That really woke her up!! Good luck!!

Middle school is such a hard transition.
I used your method - although our son needed some reminding, he was starting to do more on his own and working toward getting done what ever was in his planner.
He always cared about his grades and turning his assignments in.

Your husband I think is doing the sink or swim method.
He's handed the responsibility over to child - and child is failing and will result by being on a homework contract.
It's not the end of the world.
Not ideal but if he has to learn better time management 6th grade is a better time for it than at any time in high school especially when they start tracking for GPA.
I might take away activities until he gets his act together on his homework.
It might also be helpful if Dad goes into a few parent teacher meetings and talks with the teacher about it.
I think parents and teachers should work together to help child achieve success.
Your husband doesn't seem to want to do things that way.

Homework is part of something similar to job for an adult, he needs to understand it is something that will affect his future, something good to do just for himself.
I would explain to him that and avoid homework becoming a battle, at the same time I would make rewards and consequences about it. Take away all his privileges, TV, computers, phone, tablet, games,... until all his assignments are done. It's a fact of life you take more working hard, he needs to understand this. If privileges are mainly electronics you can use a parental control software to block remotely by your device all the fun until homework done, it should be a good motivation for him.

You need to train your son and husband.
Make them both report to you when you get home and show you what was accomplished on the school work.

Hold them both accountable!

Make them walk you through each and every assignment.

If it is not done then make them both stay up all night until it is finished and done correctly and properly.

Your husband is perpetuating this lackadaisical behavior in your son. If he wants to act like a 5th grader treat him like one.

We tell our son he can't get on the computer or watch a show or anything until homework is done. This is the rule every night. He went through a phase in 7th grade where he said he didn't have any or it was done when it wasn't. So, for the next 3 weeks that was all he was allowed to do every night until all the old assignments were complete. It was torture for him. Our school uses the Powerschool app so it's easy to see if your kid has asignments. I guess if I were you I would come up with a plan with your husband that you both agree on. I would NOT do homework when you get home at 8:30...that is just too late. Your husband doesn't want to go online to look stuff up. So, how about you look it up each day around 5pm and text your husband what the assignments are. Your husband reminds your son that after dinner each night is homework time (or whatever time you choose). Once he shows him the completed work then he can do something fun. If your husband refuses to do this really your best choice is to let your son suffer the consequences....get bad grades and deal with his teachers. This may teach him something. Or it may make him feel defeated and like he wants to give up. Maturity comes later for some kids. Our son became much more responsible about homework in 9th grade.