The Unteachable Three Year Old

I have 2 little boys (5 & 2), and my oldest is the same way. Actually, now my youngest gets that way too...but sometimes I think he just mimics his brother's behavior. I think it's just a normal part of their development. If there are other issues, have him tested, otherwise I think just keep an eye on it and try to be patient with him (it's hard I know!). Good luck!
~Steph
P.S. What area do you live in? A good friend of mine in Hastings has 5 & 3 year-old boys and a 1-year-old girl as well. :)

May be if he doesn't feel like you are teaching him he would feel more open to it. What I mean is if you want to show him how to draw a triangle then just sit down with him and color your on your own pages. Then, you can talk out what you are doing. "I'm going to draw a triangle now. Lets see...a triangle has three sides." and while you are drawing it ... "one, two, three. There, now I have a triangle. That was fun, I think I'm going to draw another one. This time I'm going to use a green crayon" and so on. They really like to feel that they have some control in their lives.

Also, just because you aren't the one teaching him doesn't mean that he is unteachable. They can learn by trial and error. If he wants to do it then let him. Talk out what you see. "I see that you are trying to fit that block into the X shape hole but it's not fitting. I wonder if it would fit in one of the other shapes." and so on.

I wouldn't worry about ADD just yet. Strong willed doesn't = ADD. I know it's hard not to want to step in when they are struggling to figuring something out. But, have patients, he might even ask you to help him if he can't figure it out.

I hope that helps. Good luck.

Hi M.! Been there, done that. My daughter hung out with lots of kids older than her so she wanted to do EVERYTHING they did. And heaven help me if I didn't let her.

Just let him try (as long as it won't hurt him). He needs to learn at some point anyway. He just wants to be a big kid like his big brother. This is a great way to build his self esteem and teach him how to try to do something instead of saying I can't. I would make certain things a little easier for him (& you). Let him pour milk from a container that is 1/3 or less full or put it in a squeeze bottle so he can do it himself. If he makes a mess, let him clean it up as well. It seems frustrating but really, what is it hurting?

Good luck!

Dear M.,

There is about 2.5 years between my oldest son and daughter. Both kids expressed an "let me do it" at various times, but my daughter was so vocal and consistently expressed it from about 2.5 to even now at 4.5. And yes, she would get frustrated, but she seemed less frustrated, when I was patient and let her make the mess with no criticism or frustration on my own part.

This is such an important time for this age.

Have you taken any early childhood family education classes (ECFE)?. Look on the website for your city's public schools and they should reference the ECFE programs in your area. This is such a terrific parenting resource. The classes are so invaluable to helping parents understand their own styles, strengths, weakness, and responsibilities as the most important role model for their kids. Plus it provides an invaluable support mechanism for parents to share common challenges, practices, ideas, and the kids meet others for playtime.

Your youngest son is nearing the age for the early screen (3.5). This is a requirement for the schools (it is free),and generally conducted by the ECFE facility. They could definitely help you to determine if your son may need some further evaluation. That is the whole intent with the early screening, it helps parents and the school community to be able to fund programs that may be needed by families and to provide additional programs at the schools too.

my son just turned three and he seems to be acting the same way.. he does have a younger sister who is about to turn one... it seems that when he turned three that a little switch went off in his head.... but i do find that if i have him doing other projects... like making things or coloring or something like that... he gets that " i need to do it...." agravation out and is MUCH more co-operative when doing other things and doesn't get so frustrated when i try to get him to do something or he needs help with something... hope that helps... he does have an older brother but he doesn't see him much as he's part of a different family...

Hi M....I also have a 1 year old (almost 2) and a 3 year old...and I'm a teacher but taking time off. My 3 year old is VERY independent and used to do the same thing. There are many different styles of learners. Some children learn by seeing, some by doing, some by hearing...and it can present itself at this early of an age. What I'm trying to say is, your child could be a hands-on learner, and it may feel (or at least he may THINK) it's easier to learn by doing than by watching you do it. My three year old eventually starting asking for help with something when he needed it. I think the example where the mom suggested to make triangles right next to him is an excellent idea.

Also, about the ADHD or ADD...I think he is much too young for that. It's so easy to mistake a normal three year old behavior for some kind of "disorder". He's normal :) He's just three. That independence may be hard to handle now, but it'll be a benefit for him in the future. Good luck!

Hi M.~
I have an 8 year old boy and two girls the age of 5 and 4. I have noticed that my 4 yr old and sometimes my 5 year old will do that.
I think it is because they see how the older ones can do things and they get jealous. Not because they did something right but because they did it to their best of ability.
With my 4 year old I now will have her help me with things I know she can do so she also gets that praise. If she wants to try and do something with out my help I let her try and if she does not do it right I say " Here let mommy show you how I do it" and then I add "You did a very good job though your way". This has really helped in those " I can do it myself" times and attitudes.
Good Luck~
B. L.

Try to give him choices. I think he is struggling to be independent and getting upset when you don't let him try to do things for himself. Ask him in the mornings "Do you want waffles or cereal?" Pick out 2 outfits and let him choose what he would like to wear, ect....
I have a son with ADD, and they started talking about it in preschool when he was 3/4 yrs old, but he was to young to determine at that age. When he started Kindergarten the teacher and staff seemed to know right away and asked me to have him tested. They were right, and it is a struggle. If your son does have ADD, later in life, my advice is education is the best tool. It is a chemical imbalance in thier brain. Therefore, alot of the choices they are making isn't becaues they are tryin to be naughty, it's just impulse. Alot of people don't understand that and get so angry or upset at thier child's behavior.
But would you displine a child for having siezures, or some other medical disorder, kwim?
I learned alot, and that helped me be a better parent to my child :)

I have 3 boys ages 8 months, 5 1/2 and 6 1/2 and a almost 7 year old step-son. My two oldest are 14 months apart and one of the best things is they always have each other and learn from each other. What I have realized since they've been in school is that it's alot harder for me to teach them anything because they've rather do it themselves or teach each other. It's hard but really you just need to have a lot of patience and things will work out on their own. I wouldn't test for ADD or ADHD until he's in school. They usually don't like to test until at least kindergarten anyway. It'll work out.

Hi M.,
I also have 2 boys they are 10 and 7. My 7 y.o. was diagnosed with ADHD a little over a year ago. The doctors always told me that they wont even consider testing until beteen 5 and 6 years old.

M.,
I have a 6-year old son and a 3-year old daughter. I also have a 16-year old daughter so I'm a veteran!

This is completely developmentally appropriate for a 3-year old. It's a sign of independance - a GREAT thing!. They just don't have the other developmental skills to communicate it properly. If you didn't go through this with your oldest, it is because he is a different temperament than your younger son.

I recommend a website like parentcenter.com to research developmental questions. Search on temperament, and read what you can find on 3-year old's development.

ADHD is a learning disorder, not a behavior disorder so they shouldn't be testing/diagnosing until the early school years.

Good luck -- your son is normal! You have to look at how you are approaching these situations BEFORE he gets defensive. Cut it off at the pass. Have fun. It's temporary so don't label him with something that will last longer than the phase.

I have a 5 year old that is extrememly bright and in kindergarten. She is very well behaved and does not have adhd or anything wrong with her. She is also impossible for me to teach. We just butt heads. I love to sit and try and teach her new things but she's very independant and doesn't feel or want my help. She also freaks out and it gets so bad I just give up and let her school and teachers do the work.It's a shame I have the time and energy and want to sit and read or do flash cards or puzzles.If my daughter would let me help her she would be doing even better than she is doing at school. I've tried to make learning fun and silly nope doesn't work. She thinks she knows everything and turns the situation into teaching me and delegating. I'm like aaahhhhhh I'm done with school I know all of this it's your turn to learn. So your not the only one. I've had several ppl tell me some kids just learn differently or better by someone not so close like a parent or tutor and not a parent. So good luck!

i have a boy n girl a yr apart and i let them be themselves but when they tried to change something i made them stay off the rug or on the rug for a few minutes...yeah i told them where they could walk but showin them something had to come from them unless it was fun like coloring etc. so it's just an adjustment period love em and have fun with them.

M.,
Do not put him on medicine for wanting to be independent. Try this.
Tell him there are two ways to do things, give him a chance to TRY his way, then show him the proper way, if he was wrong. It's important that you not label him with anything like ADHD.
Let him try to do things, it only means he's learning. Encourage him to figure things out as well as trying them, just explain that somethings may need your assistance, that you would be glad to help him out. Explain that he needs to be patient with you as you are learning some things with him, that will help him to be more patient with you. Important thing is that he needs to stay calm and not stressed out over things. When you need to, sit him down and talk with him, ask him how he feels, let him express himself whether it is good, bad or indifferent. When he sees you will listen, he will come to you more often. It will help you to stay close to him.
Good luck.