The Trouble with names...and Also Custody

Hey Folks--I just changed my daughter's name. Almost same situation. I did NOT have to have my hubby adopt her. I did NOT have to go to court. I did NOT have to notify her biodad b/c we had a court order. (Long story) You do have to notify if you are filing a petition. It is expensive (several hundred dollars, start to finish). the biodad does NOT have to consent, even if he does show up for the hearing. Child support and visitation have nothing do w/each other. He is entitled to visits regardless of whether he pays support, sucks huh? If the biodad does NOT pay support or have ANY contact (no cards, calls, visits, etc) for 2 years, you can petition for the court to TERMINATE all rights. However, for any adoptions, you HAVE to have consent (in most instances) from the biodad. Hope that helps. Much of this info is available from your friend of the court. (I got a lot of it from our attorney and from asking LOTS of questions--nobody tells you ANYTHING unless you ask very VERY specifically!) GOOD LUCK!

I must tell you first that I am 22yrs old and I come from divocred parents. They divorced when I was very young and when I was six my mother got married and moved the day after the wedding to the south.

Even though there are still sore spots with you and your child's father he is still her father and she should have his last name. Not only is that apart of her but it is now apart of you as well. She can not tell the difference now but wait untill she gets older. As a child (when I learned how to talk) I knew there were problems with my mother and father. And that could never change. My mother loves me and my father loves me but some times they would talk about each other around me. But in my eyes I didn't take their words and think "that description fits my father/ mother" I was sad, and I would cry. To The Future. Now at 22 the things that went on with my parents are silly and I can understand now if one of them could have been wrong. Or should I say, I see their flaws now b/c I'm older.

My point is that she will not understand (about her father) through you but through her self (through better understanding). If you do not let her she might be upset with you later in life and blame you for not letting her father be in her life (last name and all). If I were you I would sit down and talk with her father. Let him know that you are in love and will soon be marrying. Tell him that in order for things to work out in favor of the both of you, he must understand his role in his childs life. That includes money on a regular basis and the time spent with his child. She doesn't need a new last name. When she goes to school you could inform the teacher to just use one of the last names when calling her name. She can also write one name down.

She will be fine. Just give her the chance to see the type of father he is and not how you feel about him. I found out for myself about my father and my mother. Of course that won't stop me from loving them but I now know the type of people they are.

Good Luck and I will be praying for you and your daughter.

No, he can't just decide it and get it. He would have to hire an attorney, file a motion to change custody and then prove to the judge that you are an unfit parent. So set your worries about that aside. Regarding the name change, you can try to reassure him that this is just for her benefit and do the research for him that would prove that a name change doesn't change his rights in ANY way. (Trust me, I've been thru this ALL) However, I would shy away from that topic for a while. You've made your request, he said no...let him process it for a while. You can't do it until after youre married anyway.

If you want to get his rights taken away, you'll have to hire an attorney, file a motion and prove to the judge that he is a harmful parent (NOT easy)! My son's biological father actually had to give up his rights, they wouldn't take them away even tho he had been convicted (yes, convicted) of abusing him!

Good luck to you!
~L.

Oh yes! One more thing...you CAN use child support as a tool. You can negotiate the support even though FOC will tell you that you can't. You'll need an attorney to draw up a document that if he lets her name be changed (no custody changes) you will stop requesting child support. I know this because we did it. FOC will not support you and they will sign 'as to content only' (meaning it's legal but they don't like it)...so you can always try that angle with him!

if he is on her birth certificate he can sue for change of custody...keep records of his child support and visitation... and if there are any behavior changes after she has been with him.... and yes you can see about getting permission to change her last name once you are married but there will probably be i fight if he is on the birth certificate since he will probably have to sign for it...

good luck

I agree that you should drop the name thing. He will have to agree and it doesn't sound like he will. My oldest dad wanted to change my sons last name when he was an infant because it is my maiden name and I said no. That was the end of that since yes both parents have to agree. If it's such a horrible last name and you are planning to get married and change your name maybe you could a him if you could just change it to his last name so she doesn't have such a long name. Just a suggestion but it wasn't something I was willing to do. As far as custody is concerned, he would have to prove that it would be in your daughters best interest to have partial custody and he'd have to go before a judge and it's really a long expensive process. He may get it he may not most likely not since he doesn't sound like that much of a winner. If he files papers you hire a lawyer and fight it. Maybe offer a bit more visitation if it comes to that. Don't stress yourself out about it. He may realize how expensive a lawyer is and drop it all together. If he hasn't actually filed papers don't worry about it. It sounds like he's just trying to scare you and manipulate you with what are at this point idle threats. There will come a point where you will have to stand up and things won't always be nice between you two but if he threatens it tell him to go for it. Chances are he's all talk.

I did a legal name change for myself about 7 years ago. If I remember correctly it did say on the papers that if it was for a minor child both parents were required to agree on the name change and had to be present in court(yes, you have to go in front of a judge) to finalize it. It doesn't sound like he's going to be willing. As long as his name is on the birth certificate he'll probably have to agree.

As far as custody, He'll have to file papers with the court and pay a fee but if he does that the judge will hear the case. If it were me I'd drop the name thing, it's just not worth it. I've been dragged to court so many times by my oldest's dad I do whatever I can to avoid it. It's not fun and unless he has a really serious problem (and you can prove it) the judge will change the custody order. You'll end up spliting custody 50/50 or something that just won't be good for your daughter. I hope this helps, though I'm sure it's not what you want to hear! Good luck!

I am a single parent with a simliar bio father in the mix. What I can say is yes, consult and attorney. Since he is the bio father and on her birth certificate he can just 'decide' to take you to court and try and get custody. This DOES NOT mean he will get it, he can just get his due process. It will make your life difficult and there are a hundred and one things he can do to make teh siutation even more unpleasant.
Look for a good attorney -- my is a godsend. Most initial consultations are even free or at a low cost. get to know exactly where you each stand and what your rights are. If nothing else -- it will give you piece of mind.
I may be incorrect, but I think if he is on her birth certificate, and she is underage, obviously at 3 --you need him to sign off on changing her name.
Good Luck! I'll be sending good thoughts your way!!
By the way -- congrats on finding a good guy for you and your daughter!!

well first of all, I am older than dirt, and my kids have all grown, but if I were to go through this, I would certainly find a good Lawyer. Sure, they are expensive, but to just go to one for consultation, to see what his rights are (if any). As long as you have full custody, plus he doesn't pay child support (unless forced), then I feel that he doesn't have a thing to say about it. Keep a stiff upper lip and
be sure and let everyone know how this case comes out.
Always in my prayers,
L.

A.
I am a single Mom also but in my case for my son I kept my x's last name not for any reason other than to help my son not feel like he was being disowned. The problem other than the fact that you will have to do it through the court is that his feelings will be hurt & if he's as immature as you are saying, he WILL be a problem!! Unless of course you would consider using either just your name or just his last name; yes I know you probably don't want to consider it but @ this point just do what is right by your daughter!
I pray things will go well for you!
L.

A.-

We have been in and out of the courts A LOT lately dealing with child custody and such... first of all, you can not legally change your daughter's name unless her father is out of her life for a lengthy period of time. This means that he has not had any contact with her and has not paid any child support. You then have to hire a lawyer and file a motion with the court to request her name be changed. They have to grant you permission. When you get married in the future and want to change her name to his, your daughter's father has to 'sign-off' all rights and your new husband would then have to adopt her. As for his threatening a custody battle, you are pretty safe. The courts in Michigan do not like to force change on the children. Since you have had custody for almost 4 years, they will consider that a stable home and not want to change her lifestyle. He could petition for more parenting time (an extra weekend, a night during the week, etc.) but that would be the most that he can get. It has to be a HORRENDOUS living situation (and you have to prove it) in order for a change of custody to happen. As long as you're not doing or dealing drugs, making sure that she is fed and clothed, and not leaving her in a grocery store parking lot, you are safe.

of course he can fight for joint custody. whether he get it is up to a judge. As for the name, I think you should drop your maiden name off of her last name. She should have her father's last name. If he is totally out of the picture and your new husband plans to adopt her that is one thing, but it doesn't sound like that is the case. She has you, she doesn't need your last name (which I am assuming you plan to change when you get married?) because she has you in your life. What if you get divorced from "the one"? It could happen, I hope it doesn't, but it could. Then are you going to change her name back again? Sorry to be harsh. I have watched this happen with friends and I am just looking out for the little one since I have no ties to anyone in this situation. I know it is an emoitional thing, but you need to get past that. Have her keep dad's last name, encourage a relationship with her dad (it will help her in the long run) maintain a healthy friendship with him and focus on the important issues of raising your daughter. Be consistent and caring and let her know she comes first. Not work, not the new honey in your life, not school.

Congrats on finding "the one" may you have a blissful life and your daughter have a strong and loving male role model in her life, just in case dad doesn't grow up.

I would never judge your situation because it is obviously very differnt then ours. My husband fights tooth and nail for every minute he can get with his kids and pays $1200 a month + health care, extra curricular, and parts of his bonuses. His ex maliciously tied to hyphenate his daughters last name and threatened having it changed legally so we have done the research. You would have to prove abandoment for that. I can't remember exactly but I believe it was something like 2 years with out contact.

A.,

I will play devil's advocate since you got a lot of good advice from other women. Your ex is probably feeling like he is about to be pushed out of his daughters life because you are going into a permanent relationship and are entertaining the idea of removing any identiy he has remaining with his child. You feel he doesn't spend a lot of time with her, which is probably true, but I bet he thinks otherwise or else he wouldn't suddenly be threatening to fight for custody. As much as you may dislike him he is her father and has a right to develope a relationship with her as long as it is not abusive or harmful to her. The relationship between your fiance and your daughter remains to be seen. It is so important for children to have both parents in their life so my suggestion would be to not try and remove his name, he is after all her biological father but try to improve the relationship between you. It is true a child must be adopted before it can take on a new last name and your ex would have to sign away all rights to his child which doesn't sound like it is going to happen. I think the most important thing in this world are good relationships, wether we are dealing with family, friends or strangers. Your daughter also needs a sense of identity as she grows up and to change her name every time you change yours won't help her establish that identity. Since you asked for opinions mine would be to leave it as it is. If later she would like to shorten it or change it, let that be her choice. Good luck to you in your upcoming marriage, I hope it is all you are hoping it to be.

S.

Is your fiance going to legally adopt your daughter? Is the babies father willing to give up his parental rights? These should be the decisions that will determine her last name. You might want to seek legal advice, there are free sources that may be able to answer this quickly soyou will know what type of battle you may be in for. Congratulations on finding 'the one'! Good luck!

You really have two questions, as I see it.

First the name - legally you can't change your daughters last name by yourself if her biological father is named on the birth certificate. My cousin wanted to change his middle name when he was in his late teens and needed to get both of his parents to okay it. The best you could hope for is giving your daughter her father's last name and removing your maiden name. It's not uncommon in today's world, to have a child with a different last name than their parent. I have never understood the concept of a double last name (although I have seen it). In your situation, I'm not sure if it is legal for a child to take a non-biological parents name without him adopting her (which means no more biological dad). That may be something to check into before you push to hard. Know exactly what is needed to change a last name, and what can legally be done anyway - without changing parental rights.

Custody - Unfortunately, any parent without custody can try to get custody at any time. Will the courts actually give it remains to be seen. I know a family that was seriously behind on Child Support, suddenly paid it up, and then went for custody. The judge saw through it and left custody with the biological father (more stable living environment). I would suspect that he's pulling the stunt to scare you more than anything. However, if you try to push the name change he may very well try for custody. Maybe you can find a compromise.

Good luck!!

Honeslty, it sucks but he can take you back to court and fight for custody, not that he will get it, but since he is the biological father dead beat or not he can do that, which does suck sometimes. The only way to change your daughters last name would be for your boyfriend/fiance to adopt her once you get married and in that case you have to get her bio dads approval too I believe, but he may agree to it. In any instnace to change a childs name you have to get a name affadavit and both of you need to sign it or it has to be court ordered. You may want to call a lawyer and take to them just to see what thye say. Good Luck!!!!!

A. ~ I can't tell you about the legalities of changing your daughter's last name, but I can tell you that my son has his dad's last name (we were never married). Throughout his school years I was often called "Mrs. G," which never really bothered me, but my son would correct people. Today there are so many people divorced and re-married that kids often have different last names than their mom so I don't think it's a big deal.
I can also tell you that he can threaten you with custody battles all he wants, but he won't win. Michigan is a "mom" state. So unless he can prove that you're an unfil mother, he won't get anywhere. Besides, it sounds like he probably wouldn't spend the money on an attorney anyways.
D.

Hi A.,
I believe the only way you can change your daughters name to your going to be last name is by having your fiancee adopt her and that would have to be cleared and oka'd by bio dad. He pretty much has to sign off on his rights which in turn means no more child support or other support. Good luck!

1st, if you don't want him more involved in your life, I wouldn't use him as a babysitter. Let him approach you about visitation. 2nd, I don't think there's any way you can drop his name from her legal name. You can just have her use his or leave it as it is. Just using his would be less complicated than what she has now, and it is the usual way this is handled. No way can you add your new husband's name to hers unless her dad releases her for adoption by your new hubby, which isn't likely if he's talking about custody. He's her legal father, though you might wish it otherwise. Indeed he may be able to get partial custody but perhaps that won't be so bad if it has to happen. Many dads are immature etc. - unfortunate as that is. If he gets the idea you're fighting him and trying to take away his rights, he's more likely to make an issue of this just to hurt you. I'd relax about all this, try to have positive communication with him about her, and see if you can work with him together as her parents. You cannot wish these biological fathers away. When you have a baby with someone, you're pretty much stuck with them in your life. Unfortunately, it's hard to see that clearly when you start the process.

A.,

My son has his fathers last name, not mine. It drives me nuts when people call asking for Mrs. S or paperwork arrives with Mrs. S. I get so frustrated with it... I have even argued a bill because it was addressed to Mrs. S and I said "She doesn't exist"

I have looked into changing my sons name legally to mine, and yes, you need the bio-fathers approval to do it. And you have to do it legally in court.

I think if you are going to shorten her name, you should just use her fathers name. (Think long term... It'll change eventually when she gets married, right???) Congrat's on your upcoming marriage and all the best for a bright happy future!

He can hire an attorney and try to sue you, but I am very very very doubtful it would turn out in his favor. Chances are, they will realize that he owes you a lot of money in back child support and then he'll be SOL. And then they'll will probably ask you both if you want him to see your daughter on a more regular basis, like every other weekend. My ex tried to sue me too....and lost. Keep records of all the money you receive from him, keep records of when he sees her, the date, the time, the circumstances, and anything that he says or does that can prove that he is not a fit father. I would talk to a lawyer if this ever happens but until you get actual papers from his lawyer, I wouldn't worry about it, just keep those records. Talk to a lawyer about the name change issue, I don't think your fiance has to adopt her to have her name changed. Good luck!

Hi A.,

Please take most of your responses lightly. A lot of people are assuming and speaking without factual knowledge. I'm sure you're an intelligent woman and will seek legal advice before making such major decisions on your daughter's behalf. But also, trust your instincts. I went through a similar situation. When I married my daughter's step-father several years ago, we wanted her to have our same last name for multiple reasons (ex; we didn't want her to feel excluded from the rest of our family as we intended to have more children, we wanted to avoid confusion with her friends, teacher, other parents and so on, we wanted unity in our family and it just felt right for her and I to have the same last name - I mean after all, I am her custodial parent). I knew the ex would never give up his parental rights and let my new husband adopt, so we went to the courts in Oakland County and requested a legal name change (not an adoption) and it was granted. We simply had to explain why we wanted the change (I gave the above reasons). The process was done in a courtroom in front of a judge and I didn't even have an attorney. It was very simple. Now the reason I suggest you getting legal advice, is because my ex (once I explained to him that this was in no way a means to exclude him from her life and that it was simply in her best interest)after a bit of hesitation, did not fight us on this. I had to sit down and calmly reason with him and state our case and he did come around to the right decision. It doesn't sound like your ex will be as easy to deal with. I don't know how the process would work with him fighting it.
We have no regrets and are very happy we changed her name. She now has three other siblings and we are all united with the same last name.
Oh, and three years old is not too old to make this change. My daughter was five and was happy to have the new last name. There was no negative effect whatsoever.

Good luck with your decision and please remember... it's just that, YOUR decision. You know what's best for your daughter and your family.

Take care,
J.

A.,
If I were you I would get legal counsel on this. If your new hubby is going to legally adopt, then it would, in my opinion, be proper to take his last name. If bio dad has an issue with that, maybe he can suggest something more intelligent and logical. It doesn't have to mean your child spends less time with him or is less his child. What's in a name anyway? Right? If you have custody, sharing a common surname connects you to her and vice versa.
But definitely ask an attorney on the matter. What are bio dad's rights, what if, what if.... get your answers. What's best for the child is what's important here, not to go screaming between the two of you, right? You've been fair. What's his problem?

Hi A.
I remember being 3, my mom and I moving into our own home after leaving my Dad. So chances are your daughter will remember as well. IMO I think it's to much all at once (great guy/new house) to change her name as well. I was 11 when my mom remarried, I had the opportunity to change my name then as well. But decided not to. I was worried it would change who I was.
Anyway I wish you all the best of luck with what ever you decide to do. A. H

First of all I am not in this situation however I have been around it several times. Leave the child's name alone. My husband has a daughter and when the mother married the man she thought was the one she wanted to change my step daughters last name to make it easier. They are now about to divorce. I truly hope that this relationship is the one for you - you sound happy and like you are thinking of all avenues to raise a daughter in a stable situation. If you were to change the name to the new fathers your ex may then not have to pay as much child support - even though it is like pulling teeth to get it already. Keep the situation as friendly as possible it does get easier, my husband and the mother are on very good terms. She is also very friendly with me. Good Luck!!!

Hi A. - I've read some of the other replies and just wanted to say that you shouldn't take legal advice from a forum like this because most of what people are telling you is wrong (for example: you don't need your new husband to adopt your daughter to change her name); however, there are certain procedures that need to be followed in order to accomplish a name change. You should talk to an attorney who can explain everything to you, including your custody issues. If you don't know an attorney, then look online or in the phone book to find one in your area. Most attorneys offer a free telephone consultation.

Good luck!

Legally he can, and probally will fight, don't under estimate his inteligence, or your daughter's yes she is young but she know's her name, for her to have your feasance's last name would involve a lawyer, and her bio-father to relinquish all rights to her, your new husband would have to adopt her, a simple name change, through the court will cost $150.00 or so and could be done before school to her bio-father's real name. He will most likely do this, but not relinquish all rights including child support. Good Luck, with your new life.

A friend of mine was in this exact same situation Had her baby when she was 19 and the father wasn't really involved after she found "the one" they got married and had another child Her son wanted the same name as the rest of the family especially before he started kindergarten They went to court before a judge to request a name change the judge asks why you would like the name changed They stated the bio father wasn't in his life anymore and they were now married and he had a new sister They also changed his middle name which was also after the bio father It took 5 minutes and I think it was like $35.00 They did not need the bio's dad's ok to change his name As for visitiation rights he can take you to court, but that's IF he takes you to court and if he does he will also have to pay child support including back child support GOOD LUCK! It's a tough situation I would also think about how this will affect your child in the long run They grow up REALLY fast!