Thanks for the Responses About the Teacher Comment

It wouldn't bother me at all. She sounds like someone I would get along with.

I think she was being truthful and funny. Not anti-lesbian.

you are over reacting. Just because you don't agree with her, doesn't mean that you should be offended. I mean, you could have said something she didn't like, too. And you WERE having an adult conversation, no kids were around. Remember why you like her, and go on.

Didnt you ever say when you were younger that the boys who had earrings in their right ears were gay? It was a comment that she made when she was little, she just repeated it just like I just did. Do I think the same now, no but she didn't dare wear makeup because that is what they might have said where she was from.

It sounds more like "Haha, can you imagine? The stupid stuff we used to say as teens!" as opposed to "God forbid anyone think I'm a lesbian, I would NOT want to be mistaken for a lesbian, let me prove to you I'm not a lesbian by telling you this thing I said as a teen!", which would just be weird and, yeah, offensive.

Was there anything in the *way* she said it that makes you think she has anything against gay people TODAY? It's hard to tell from just the written word…

If she thought you went through similar experiences, she probably expected you to come back with "I KNOW, right? We were such IDIOTS back then!"

I'm offended that your offended....

Man, the time and energy people waste being easily offended.

Magenta, I am lesbian and I do not find the comment offensive.

I would have simply followed up with, "but how would you now feel if you had a lesbian student?"

This is exactly why teachers keep parents at a distance...

The way I heard the conversation in my head, the teacher didn't wear makeup on regular days because there was no one at an all-girls' school that she wanted to impress on a daily basis. On free dress days, EVERYONE was out to impress.
When she was a student, (young and naive), she thought that if she wore makeup on regualr dress days, people would think she was trying to make herself more attractive to the other girls, hence a lesbian.
I didn't gather that she STILL feels that way. Sounded to me more like laughing at the stupid things we believe when we're young.

I don't get why you are offended unless you get offended at gays or lesbians for some reason. She didn't even say she was lesbian, she made a flippant comment.

She was casually chit chatting with you with no students in the room and made a comment about her school days. That is innocent to me.

Why would you relate that comment to past experience with this teacher, especially when she did a good job with another one of your children.

Are you scared she is lesbian or something? So what if she is... it doesn't rub off on students. I don't understand why that comment would cause you to be so judgmental of her and now offended by her.

Please correct me if I am wrong but the fact that you are offended so much and how it changed your opinion of her makes you appear homophobic.

Most importantly, do not participate in any gossip which could easily be started by a flippant comment like this taken out of context and end up ruining a teacher's reputation for no reason. Keep it to yourself and just distance yourself from her if you feel that threatened.

Nope, no offense. I would just assume that that is what people thought in her school. If you wear makeup at an all girl school then you are trying to attract a girl. That's stupid but adolescents aren't known for their social brilliance.

She was just trying to expand a conversation based on common ground that you share. Should she have kept a juvenile observation to herself? Probably so. Should you be offended by what her highschool classmates thought years ago? Probably not.

It wouldn't bother me not even a little bit.
Many people believe things as kids that they don't believe as as adults.
People grow up.
At least most people do.
Just put it out of your mind.
It was small talk and meant absolutely nothing.

So you're offended because, when your daughter's teacher was in grade school, she didn't want anyone to think she was a lesbian?

I'm going to hazard a guess that this woman was in grade school 20 years ago. When being gay wasn't mainstream and wasn't accepted. When some folks still thought that all gay people had AIDS and could spread it by standing too close.

I wouldn't be offended. What she said might not have been kind or couth, but based upon the fact that she's living and teaching in a small town in Illinois. It's not really all that shocking that she felt that way.

ETA: When I was about 5 years old I wanted to be Black. Because my best little friend, who was Black, had braids and I wanted braids too. My straight, non-ethnic hair never has held a braid very well. I should hope that if I tell that story as an adult (and I have), I wouldn't be labelled a racist. I was just a kid. Kids have silly ideas. ;-)

I think you are overreacting. She is telling you how she felt when she was a teenager, which doesn't necessarily reflect her views now. She thought she was having a friendly conversation with someone who could relate to her past experiences. If that's really exactly what she said, I find absolutely nothing offensive about it.

Yes I think you are over reacting. She was telling a story from her childhood not something current. Her parents might have not allowed her to do her hair and make up for school telling her that it might attract unwanted attention from other girls. You don't know and to assume anything isn't really acting like an adult.

That is what she thought at the time. Back then, it was not nearly as accepted to be a lesbian. Also - it has never been comfortable for people to have their sexual preferences misidentified. So even if she had no problem with people being lesbian - if she were not, she would likely not wish to be identified as such.

Did she say or do anything to suggest to you that she would have issues with a lesbian or gay student today? If not, I would let it go. Weird though - we generally thought the girls who didn't wear make up were the lesbians. Also the boys who wore their earrings in the right ear (left ear cool, right ear gay). Yup, we believed all sorts of things in junior high and high school.

OK, am I understanding this correctly. She didn't dare wear makeup on uniform days because she didn't want to get pegged as a lesbian. Therefore she was, and possible is of the belief that being thought a lesbian or being a lesbian is a bad thing.

Not my world view, but so long as she isn't preaching it in the classroom, or treating parents or children differently based on this belief, I wouldn't start a campaign against her on that basis alone.

Best,
F. B.

I would assume she was relating to you her thought process as a teenager. I don't think it necessarily reflects poorly on her character as an adult. I know I grew up at a time when there was a terrible stigma attached to being gay, and no teen would want to be mistaken for being gay when they were not. Perhaps the culture at the school she attended was such that if a girl wore make-up, then she was gay. Where I went to school, if a boy pierced his right ear he was gay, so my husband pierced his left ear, because he didn't want anyone to think he was gay. If he were to relate that information to someone now, it wouldn't make him homophobic, just honest.

This offended you enough for it o bother you to come on here? I don't get your wasted energy on this...nor do I understand why you're offended.

Yes, you're over-reacting.

I think your being offended is silly. She was relating a story from when she was a teenager.

What does that have to do with anything else? Are you trying to find something to be upset with her about?

Let it go and move on.

uuuummm....no. It's a comment.

LET IT GO!!!

WHY waste your time on this? Seriously.

Are you offended because you are a lesbian?
Really, it was kind of an off the wall thing to say, but you were two adults having a conversation and sharing something you had in common, that's all.
If you ARE gay, and out, it might not hurt to mention it to her. I'm sure she didn't mean to offend you in any way, but if she knows she can be more sensitive going forward.

Dress up days. All girls school. Impressing who?

Wouldn't be a blip on my radar.

It was a JOKE.

You missed the punch line

This comment is only offensive if you think there is something wrong with being a lesbian. So, no I would not be offended.

Also, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt especially teachers that have done an overall good job.

Maybe I'm a simpleton, but I don't know what her comment means. I would start with asking her, if it's that important. Or just settle into the knowledge that I don't know what she's talking about and not hold it against her.

Oh, and it's possible that she's just speaking in her teen voice and doesn't still think that way. She might be laughing at herself and assuming that your teen self would get it.

ETA: (Okay, I think I get it, now.) What if she was warming you up to tell you that it turns out she IS gay. More than likely, she was going on the momentum of a shared experience and got too comfortable with a person who wasn't ready.

You are kidding right. You were having a light conversation about something you had in common.

yes you're over-reacting. It's a slightly unprofessional comment, nothing more. Just curious, what is offensive about it?

You're not over-reacting because she doesn't know her audience. For all she knows, you could be a lesbian, or your college aged niece or whomever. My oldest child is trans, and comments about the LGBTQ community are not a joking matter to me.

It was a comment she made.
But without knowing how her childhood was nor what the back story is to this or why she thought that way, there can be no assumption about it.
Now.

Not offended, but certainly startled, because I find it inappropriate for any professional to just let loose with any off-hand, personal, comment, which the listener may or may not interpret in the manner it was meant.

Having said that, I know I have said things I wish upon reflection that I had not, and I hope that you will understand that we teachers make the same mistakes everyone else does.

I guess she felt comfortable enough with you to make an honest comment about how she felt as a teenage girl.
Do you think she was being anti gay or something? I mean really, ask any gay person and MOST of them will say that they were terrified of being "found out" in high school, so her reaction to being thought of as a lesbian (whether it's true or not) seems reasonable.
It would help if you said WHY you were offended, because I'm just not seeing it...

I got a boyfriend in HS because my own sister accused me of being a lesbian. THAT IS JUST A FACT! Why did it bother me that my own sister accused me of being a lesbian? Because I wasn't! I knew I wasn't, I had interest in boys, I just wasn't interested in dating yet. My philosophy was very mature at a young age and I didn't feel I needed to date until I was ready to get married. But because my sister said I was something that I was not, I felt the need to prove her wrong. Is this offensive to you? It shouldn't be. If it is, well, I'm sorry. As teenagers we just want to fit in and not be teased, right, well, clearly she was afraid of being called a lesbian as a teen, not because she thinks it's wrong but because SHE ISN'T.

I think it was a thoughtless remark and unprofessional of her. Hopefully she's wishing she never said it.

I think it should bother anyone, whether a lesbian or not. It's not appropriate regardless of the intended audience. It's a little like saying, "I'm not a lesbian and I assume you're not, so it's okay to joke about lesbians." Try changing the "lesbian" word to any other discriminated-against group (making adjustments for wearing make-up to something else stereotypical) - a racial or ethnic minority, a religion, a special needs person, etc. "Everyone would have thought I was a Mexican" or "Everyone would have thought I was autistic" or "Everyone would have thought I was Jewish." If it's not acceptable there, it's not acceptable with "lesbian".

I think staring at her and not responding is fine. Another way to handle it the next time you can't think of anything to say is to respond, "I don't understand. What do you mean?" It buys you some time, and makes the person think about what they say. While they're explaining or sputtering, you have a chance to formulate a thought.

I'm happy you were offended, and I'm a little annoyed at those who think this was no big deal for anyone who's not a lesbian! We should be open, compassionate and nice no matter who is listening!

I'm not sure I'd confront her about it, or report her, but I'd be on guard the next time. If it comes up, you can respond with "I don't get what you're talking about" or "I don't understand why you think all lesbians look a certain way."

I wouldn't be offended - I don't see anything offensive in the comment but I wonder what it means? I would have asked her to explain how wearing make-up with a school uniform equated to be a lesbian.

I wouldn't worry about it. Yes, it's strange but harmless. You don't know her whole experience as a kid and why she said that. And she probably was laughing about how silly she was for thinking that as a kid. She only gave you a snapshot in time not her whole life story.

As a former ft teacher...I would never say something unprofessional to a parent.

That's all I have to say ! I'm with you...that was weird! Sounds like a kid would say this !

For those who don't understand why the poster might be offended: The teacher's comment implies there is something wrong with being a lesbian. The poster does not agree, nor do I. It would definitely leave me thinking differently of her, but it doesn't necessarily mean she is not a good teacher. I would just make a point in another conversation to mention how you support ALL families or diversity or something like that so she gets the point that you do not agree with her.

You were sharing funny stories about high school and she was sharing what her her thought process was as a teen. It does not indicate that she thinks the same as an adult today. If you had time, you should have asked what made her think there was a makeup-lesbian connection when she was a kid. There was probably another funny story behind it.

There is nothing to be offended about here, and you're reacting in an illogical way by jumping to conclusions with no evidence to support them.

The world would be a much better place if people stopped looking for ways to be offended.

Why would something her own mother told her as a child have anything to do with her teaching?

She sort of felt a connection to you while you were visiting with her. She said something out of the blue and you didn't like it. Not a big deal. Really, not.

yes it would bother me, but maybe not for the same reasons its bothering you. You didn't tell us why it bothered you so hard to really answer your question. Other than that, the statement didn't even make sense.

I'm assuming she means that the girls who went all out everyday were teased about trying to look fancy for the sake of the other girls, since there were no boys around to impress. Maybe that was just the culture of her school, so she assumed you would understand that and relate since you went to the same type of school. Maybe she thinks that that type of teasing was the norm in all all-girls schools. Just as girls in public schools got teased for being boy-crazy if they were friends with boys.
I wouldn't think (or at least hope so) she holds these ideas to be true anymore or is homophobic because of that comment. Hopefully, it was just sharing her perception at that age since you were reminiscing. If you're bothered by it, I'd just find another time to volunteer and casually bring it up.
"You know, when we were reminiscing about school the last time I volunteered, you said something that I've been thinking about ever since. Was it common at your school to get teased for being a lesbian if you wore make-up on regular days? My school wasn't like that at all, but I do know how mean tween and teen girls can be."
Then, see what she says. If she truly has homophobic beliefs still and it wasn't just a tale from her childhood. I would let her know that that's not what your family believes and you're sad that she holds those beliefs. Let her know that, in this day and age of no-tolerance bullying policies, you hope she will keep those views to herself. Then, a quick meeting with the principal to let him/her know about the conversation and ask for him/her to join you on the look-out for any of that negative attitude towards homosexuals being spread on the classroom.
I really hope it goes the other way though.

Are you over reacting? IMO, yes. I agree that it is an odd comment to make. But I wouldn't be offended. And actually, I reread her quote a few times. Sounds like she *wanted* people at school to think she was a lesbian. So I don't think she has anything against lesbians. (unless I'm reading that wrong). Anyway, I would not waste any more time on this. It's a weird comment, but whatever. Move on.

Geez people. Take it easy on her. Maybe offended is a bit much but she did ask vs rant and rave. And I find it an odd comment for a teacher to make to a parent. It doesn't seem like a compliment to lesbians... So I would not be surprised if a lesbian took offense. I wouldn't dislike the teacher now but I do find it a bit odd. Likely she kind of regretted saying it and we all do that though.

You're overreacting and I would not be offended. She was telling you what she thought and felt when she was a teenager. We all say and do stupid things in our teens that we later figure out are stupid and we laugh at those things. We grow and change and so do our world views and personal beliefs.

I have a hard time believing that you're going to be offended by (and hold against her) a silly mistaken belief this teacher held as a teenager. She was a child.

EDIT: After your SWH: So your main itch is that she said what she said "in a kindergarten classroom." And it was a "sensitive topic" because it contained the word lesbian? Really?

Except you said that you were there with the teacher before the children arrived. You're offended because the topic was "in the workplace" but let's be serious for a minute. The precious children weren't in the room by your own account.

Secondly, you're making some wild assumptions about her current attitude based on something she says she believed a decade ago and laughed off and yet you expected her to read you like an open book.

I'm having a really hard time seeing where she crossed a boundary. If you were uncomfortable, fine but that's not the same thing as her having crossed a boundary. I get it that you were uncomfortable. Offended is really a stretch.

Finally, regarding the Catholic Church's stance on gays and lesbians, have you heard of Pope Francis? He's pretty fecking awesome. Look him up.

Yes, the comment came out of nowhere and it's a bit awkward, but it wouldn't bother me.

I think you're overreacting. She didn't say anything derogatory about any sexuality. She was just repeating to you, without students present, her thoughts when she was a teenager. Simply, she didn't want to give the impression she was a lesbian, probably so the other girls in the school who were lesbian or bi-sexual wouldn't find her attractive and she wouldn't be in the awkward situation of hurting someone's feelings by rejecting them. Or maybe she was rebelling against conformity and wanted people to think she was a lesbian by not wearing makeup. It's not clear in the quote.

Teachers are people, too. We can have personal conversations with other adults and say some of the most left-field things, but that doesn't make us unprofessional. Just separate her humanness from her job.

I would ask for clarification before deeming her a bigot or anything like that. She may have very well just been saying what she thought/felt as a teen in a different time and place, and did not mean it as being true today at all. We all have stories of the stupid things we did or said or thought as teens.

I would say you are over reacting.
No I would not be offended by that comment.
The comment is a bit weird, and not a connection I would have made to wearing make up, but I didn't go to an all girls school. I would also say, that maybe you are looking for a reason not to like this teacher, as you didn't like the way she handled something with your son.

Not even sure what your being upset about.Is it the Lesbian reference/ or something about going over the boundaries with your middle school child which you didn't state/ need more information.

I'm feeling dumb...you don't wear make-up because if you do people might think you were a lesbian? I thought the stereotype was of lesbians NOT wearing make-up. OK, just read through everything...this is an all girls school and looking nice would mean you are a lesbian? Sort of complicated - now I'm glad I went to a co-ed public school.

Do you think that her comment was based on you in some way? If not, no worries. It sounds like she was just reminiscing.

She was telling you what girls thought 10 or more years ago. Kids can be cruel when someone is different. Hopefully, she has grown up since then.

J.