Would You Be Upset If You Heard Your Daughter Was Dating a Girl?

Updated on September 25, 2011
A.R. asks from Milwaukee, WI
56 answers

I just got a text saying this from a reliable source. I have to talk with her after school and find out what's really going on. I was asking advice the other day on here about letting her go to a dance with a junior (a boy) and now I hear this.

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

The reliable source told me she wanted to talk to me and I asked what it was about. I am also wondering if it's to make me want to say yes about going with the boy to the dance as another poster suggested.

Featured Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I would be upset if I thought there was a major thing in my child's life that she didn't feel she could talk to me about. I would upset if this meant that she had been lying to me. Beyond that, no.

7 moms found this helpful

A.S.

answers from Iowa City on

Provided she was of an appropriate age and the girl was a decent human being, then no, I wouldn't be upset.

5 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.G.

answers from Seattle on

I would have no issue whatsoever with my daughter dating a girl. I've no qualms with whomever my children would like to date provided they treat them with respect and are good to them.

5 moms found this helpful

More Answers

J.F.

answers from Philadelphia on

I would be sad that she was going to have a little harder of a life, (if she wanted to marry, or have kids, prejudices...) but I would be happy she found herself and was happy with it and would fully support her. I knew a lot of girls at that age that were bi-curious and not "dating" girls J. experimenting...so I guess you have to have an open conversation about protection, life, love...and truly listen and hear what she has to say

13 moms found this helpful

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

I would be more upset because I would feel like I failed in the communication aspect of my relationship with my daughter.

From day 1 we've had an open book with no topics off limits and we have a close relationship. We talk about everything. This is something whe would think nothing of talking to me about.

If she hid something like this from me, that is why I would be upset......not because she is dating a girl.

PLEASE, support your daughter, listen to her. She may only have a BFF and rumors are running around that they are dating. Rumors fly in High School. SO many people are SO quick to judge and jump to conclusions.

I hope you don't come down on her. I hope you use this as a relationship builder for the 2 of you. COMMUNICATE.... you can't communicate too much.

11 moms found this helpful

T.K.

answers from Dallas on

I wouldn't be mad at her, but disapointed that she hadn't felt comfortable confiding in me. I would worry for her, in terms of bigotry, and possible violence she might encounter.

But mom, tread lightly. This text may be way off base. My teenager had some besties that were so close you'd think they were dating. I told her that if she was it was ok and I would support her. Turns out they weren't, but teen girls hug, hold hands, swap clothes, tell each other they love each other and it's nothing but frienship. Don't be accusatory or she will just clam up. Let her know it's safe to be open with you about her sexuality and its important that you know so you can guide her through this time in her life properly with the right information.

10 moms found this helpful

A.M.

answers from Kansas City on

I would be hurt because she didn't feel comfortable in our relationship to tell me herself. However, I would not jump to conclusions and be mad at her. If she is happy and they are good to her, (boy or girl) I am happy for her.

On a personal note: I know you didn't ask for this. But because I played softball and was very good at it and I loved the sport, many people thought I was a lesbian. To top it off my best friend was on my team and we did everything together. Many people thought we were a couple. Neither one of us is a lesbian. Far too many people make judgements. As others have stated tread lightly, this may be a case just like mine.

Well all know what happens when people assume things.

10 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.M.

answers from Duluth on

My son is gay. He is totally awesome, as is his partner. It took him years before he came out, and was engaged to a terrific girl for several years. I asked him if he was gay during his not-admitting-it time. He denied it. But, mom was right! How on earth could I be upset? It's not like he "decided" to be gay. Like Lady Gaga, he was "born that way!"

8 moms found this helpful

I.B.

answers from Wausau on

To answer your question, No I wouldn't be upset, although I would echo what other moms have said: I would be sad that my daughter couldn't talk to me about it.

This brings up kind of a side note for me- I DO NOT think kids should be discouraged from exploring different types of relationships. BUT I think it's important to avoid attaching any type of label to this. I don't think that anyone under the age of about 19-ish should identify themselves as "gay" "bisexual" OR "straight". I think that young people who explore different relationship types will eventually find what makes them happy; during this time of exploration, it is not appropriate to slap a label on a person's forehead. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like once you give a person a label, it indicates a type of permanency, and can become a part of how they identify themselves. This can actually limit their choices in the future. That is, if a person self-identifies as "gay" or "straight" too early, they could miss out on a relationship that is truly good for them.

7 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.S.

answers from Miami on

Who would text you something like that? Surely not someone who had either your or your daughter's best interest in mind!! I would seriously reconsider your source.

6 moms found this helpful

K.L.

answers from Cleveland on

I would, because I know she isn't gay, and I would be wondering what guy she was trying to impress. Now my other kids, whatever. They are who they are already, even if they are too young to realize it.
I am gay, and I know what it's like to have to tell your parents. I would never, ever allow my child to feel like my mom made me feel. EVER.

6 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.M.

answers from Washington DC on

Honestly, sure, that is a hard road in this country. But we'd figure it out, and I would come to terms with it eventually if that was indeed her life choice. I would be most upset that I didn't hear it from her.

I do find it weird you woudl get a text like that. Who does that? If I wanted to share something somewhat startling with someone, I woudln't text them. Are you sure it IS reliable?

5 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.B.

answers from Cincinnati on

I would be heartbroken.

5 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.P.

answers from Seattle on

Like someone else said are you sure its a "reliable source"?
reliable sources wouldn't send a text, especially about something serious. And how would this person know for sure? Did they see with their own eyes? Or did this person hear from another person etc?
What if your daughter denies it? Then who are you going to believe?
If this source is say one of her friends, would any if them make this up because of some reason you don't know about?

Whatever the truth really is, You need to plan the way you approach this matter. Its sensitive and needs care to be taken. And you will have to be prepared to accept what she tells you too.

Best wishes.

5 moms found this helpful

M.B.

answers from Orlando on

Nope! It would never matter to me if my kids were gay, because LOVE IS LOVE. and I will support them no matter what and love them unconditionally. And I know alot of you ladies say that but readin how many would be upset if your child was gay thats not showing unconditional love. I would also hope she would come to me with anything

5 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

.

4 moms found this helpful

J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

You need to talk to her. My older daughter, who is 21, told me that a new thing with teens is dating the same gender. Apparently there are some kids out there that think it is cool to be bi or gay. There is nothing wrong with it mind you but there is something wrong with acting like you are to be cool, ya know?

That may be what is going on here.

4 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Yes. Extremely upset. Life is all about choices. That is a horribly wrong choice to make a choice for a same sex "relationship".

Good luck to you and yours.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

I'd be upset with myself for not knowing who my daughter was and where her affectional preferences lie. I'd be concerned about predjudices that she might run into. I'd hope that I could open a conversation with her about this. At 14, we are exploring life in all it's apects and variations and that can be scary without support.

I also believe that we humans come with sexual/affectional preference across a whole spectrum from completely heter-sexual to completely homo-sexual and all variations in between and around. So, I don't get to chose where my children fall, and I support them in their lives no matter what.

And, I believe that even "reliable sources" can sometimes get caught up in a rumor. I've seen it happen too many times. I'd get your daughter's side of the story before believing anything.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.J.

answers from Seattle on

It would be pretty hypocritical of me if I were.

3 moms found this helpful

H.S.

answers from Cincinnati on

Not at all, and I would be sure to let her know that I am here for her if she needs to talk or needs support. Parents need to accept that these things are already determined, it's not something you can fight about. They are going to be who they are, you might as well make it easy for them!

Good luck. I hope your talk goes well! Tell her you love her and want her to be happy.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I would not be upset about the fact that she is dating a girl, but I would be sad that she didn't think she could share that with me. I think the focus of your conversation should be that you would like to have the type of relationship that she can come to you with things like this and find out why she felt like she couldn't.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.L.

answers from Chicago on

Yes...Absolutely devestated if it were true!

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.

answers from Minneapolis on

Upset, as in mad? or, Upset, as in sad? I think I would be sad. Only because I would hope my children could come to me with ANYTHING, and because I know how chalenging things in the future may be. As parents, I think we all have it in our minds that our children will grow up, get married to someone of the opposite sex, have a great job, house, and children some day. Yes, you can have all of those things with someone of the same sex, but is it really how you 'planned' things for them to be? I have 5 children. They are all young right now, and not even ready for dating yet,...but I think when the time comes, I WILL secretly hope they find someone of the opposite, but it's really not my choice, it's theirs. I will love and support them no matter what.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.G.

answers from Rapid City on

I am sure it would be a shock and hard at first. I also think that during those young teen years they are not sure one way or the other and may be curious to experiment in both. I would let her come to you and talk with you about her feelings and you need to be supportive with it all. What I wouldn't do is allow sleepovers.

We love our children just as they are, she won't be any different child then she is right now.

3 moms found this helpful

C.F.

answers from Portland on

Why would you care if she was dating a girl?
How old is she, is the boy a lot older than her?
As long as the boy or girl are an appropriate age (my parents rule was always no more than 2 years older) I do not see a problem with her dating a boy or girl or going to a dance.

I don't understand this question, my answer is of course I would NOT be upset, why would anyone?

3 moms found this helpful

J.J.

answers from Dallas on

Maybe they're just best friends? and your source is just jumping to conclusions? Yes, you have to talk with her to find out what's really going on.

2 moms found this helpful

T.L.

answers from St. Louis on

Nope as long as she is happy and being treated like a queen!

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.G.

answers from San Diego on

No, I would not be upset.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.G.

answers from Dallas on

Hi Angie,

It's normal to be upset. We have expectations for and of our children, and when things go outside the norm, it's upsetting. You got a text, which is tacky and chickensh!t from the person that sent it, and upsetting and shocking for you. Totally normal reaction considering the circumstances.

Don't jump to conclusions, cause that could be what the texter did. If the texter is wrong, this would be super awkward for you and your daughter if you jump into the conversation. If you have a good relationship with your daughter, you will work it out. You will love your daughter, regardless. Just be there for her.

I have been involved in theater since I was a young kid, and despite what others may think, sexual orientation is NOT a choice. The people I know that are gay, knew when they were very young, prior to puberty. Their crushes were same sex, etc.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.K.

answers from Dallas on

Yes, I would be very upset!!!

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

I would talk to her. I would find out what she was thinking and feeling. Is she experimenting? Does she prefer girls and the date to the dance is a cover? Does she like both genders? Is this serious? Etc.

I admit I would not *prefer* her to date a girl, but I would also not want her to feel like DH's cousin who lived in shame with her partner til the day she died, unwilling to admit what we all guessed anyway. I want most for my child to have a happy life and be able to be who she is.

2 moms found this helpful

P.O.

answers from Tampa on

No, I'd not be upset - tho I'd like to talk to her about how she feels about the girl and where she thinks she may want it to go.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.B.

answers from Kansas City on

I would be upset if she didn't tell me herself. I would feel like I'd failed her and she felt that she couldn't tell me things.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.S.

answers from Spokane on

I would only be upset that she didn't tell me herself, in person.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.H.

answers from Milwaukee on

I think in some ways I would be. I know I would love my child no matter what and if she liked girls I would accept it. However, if my daughter was interested in girls it would change the concept of sleep overs, etc.

1 mom found this helpful

A.G.

answers from Houston on

I would be upset, but not mad. There is a lot of discrimination that still exists for the gay community and id rather my daughters have easier lives than they would have as lesbians.

1 mom found this helpful

M.J.

answers from Dover on

Word-for-word what Jen F said. That is precisely what my mother said to me when she realized how serious my then-bf (current husband) were pregnant & getting married, but a bi-racial couple & our lives, and more importantly our children's lives, were going to be more difficult. She certainly wasn't angry with me though for loving someone who loved me in return. What kind of sense would that make??

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.B.

answers from Boston on

No, except that the only gay couple I knew (in college) had worse fights than any hetero couple, lol! I would be happy as long as she found love. I think it would be far worse to deny true feelings, or to never experience that "in love" feeling. There is good advice below, she may be experimenting. Then again she may be playing you to get her way and get to go to the dance with the boy she really wants? I guess the real question is, how to you feel about either choice?

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.F.

answers from Dallas on

Nope. I will love and support my daughter regardless of what her GENDER is (not CHOICE - you wake up and choose to eat a cheeseburger, you don't wake up and choose to be gay or lesbian - that idea is too archaic for words). If she's happy and in a healthy relationship, that's what is important.
I had my own time in college when I went out on a date with a girl. I told my mom - she was like, well....ok. For me, it was just out of curiosity, as I had always dated boys. But if it had turned into a lifestyle, I think my mom's reaction was absolutely fantastic because she was not judgemental or anything.
And, like a lot of other people said, 'outing' someone via text is immature and possibly spiteful.
Besides, in HS - I should've dated more girls instead of wasting my energy on silly HS boys :).

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.M.

answers from Dallas on

Well if she is playing games to get her way - I would not let her go to the dance at all. If she is gay, then she is gay - se la vie.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.P.

answers from Denver on

The simple answer is No--- I wouldn't be upset she was dating a girl. I would however be upset if I didn't hear it from her. I would want her to trust me enough to talk to me and be herself with me.
J.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.P.

answers from New York on

I honestly don't know how I would react to this one. The reality of teenage years is that it's all about trying to figure out "where" you fit in the social shema of your school, separating from your parents' control and recognizing a good/bad decision when faced with the options. I would probably be upset that my child felt that there were things she couldn't talk with me about and a little surprised (unless you're not).

In this case, I would talk with her as soon as she gets home (and preferably before dad gets home). I wouldn't start in with 100 questions immediately, but definitely let her know that someone told you that she is seeing someone and ask her about it- who is it? Have I met this person before? When did this start? Same conversation you would have with her if it was a boy.

Then if she doesn't come out with the story, ask something more specific and reference the fact that someone mentioned to you that there is a rumor at school..... see what she says.

Girls hold hands all the time in HS. They lay in eachother's laps, they engage in behaviors that may look like "dating", but aren't. See what she says and do your best to stay neutral.

1 mom found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Only if she was doing it to turn on the boys. Sadly that's pretty common among teen/college girls these days :(

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

I would have no problem with my daughter dating a girl.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Well, truthfully it would be an adjustment. But if she's a lesbian, you're going to have to accept it at some point.

Just ask her.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.C.

answers from Raleigh on

No because I think being gay is not a choice. If you are you are born that way. However if she's hiding something from you that's another issue. Do you think she might be afraid of your reaction. Also look at the bright side no teen pregnancy LOL.

1 mom found this helpful

K.A.

answers from San Diego on

Absolutely not!!!
I would wonder why she didn't feel like she could tell me though seeing as we're a very open and accepting family. We have LGBT friends and family so it would not be something that would cause issues one bit.
Whoever she's happy with is all that matters.
If it were an unfounded rumour that is being spread I would be upset though because no one should have lies told about them, no matter what it is about.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.R.

answers from Minneapolis on

I have to say that I think at first this would throw me back at first if I didn't expect it, but I don't think upset is the right word. We can't tell them who to like, or "love." She is who she is. I'm assuming your daughter is a teenager, a period of experimentation and trying to discover self-identity, and her dating different genders, if she is, could be a part of that. Or she might really prefer girls. I would talk to her though, supportively, so you don't react based on rumors or assumptions if it is upsetting you. Make sure it is her choice and she is not being pressured into it, if, indeed, "it" is really occurring.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.C.

answers from Columbus on

What Melanie G said. :)

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.T.

answers from New York on

My 16 year old daughter IS a lesbian. I would be more upset if I had to hear it from someone else than the fact that she was dating a girl. If she's sharing this part of her life with others and not you, that's a concern. There are worse things in life than having a child who is gay. Some teens are simply experimenting and others are very aware of what their sexuality is. It can help if they have a parent who is supportive. LIfe can be rough on someone who comes out in their teen years. If she is not telling you and is hiding this from you, she must think that you will NOT be supportive and will give her a hard time, and it's a mistake to do that. Please do not approach your daughter in a confrontational way, and please do not ask her about her sexuality unless you are prepared to be loving, supportive and non-judgemental. Kids often hear stories of how parents reacted badly to this news and may assume that their parents will do the same, so they hide the truth. Good luck to you and your daughter.

E.M.

answers from Kansas City on

yes, I would be upset if one of my children were gay. I would not like it, I wouldnt accept it. BUT, I would never stop loving my child, I would never push them out of my life, I would always want them in my life and me in theirs. unconditional love for your child is the most precious gift we can give.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.

answers from Minneapolis on

I just read that same sex dating is a fad right now. The advice given was not to put a label on your child if this happens. That teens try things out to see how they fit. It's not a life-long choice.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.M.

answers from Chicago on

She's gonna love or like who ever she wants. I wouldn't really care its her life not mine.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.C.

answers from Cleveland on

Heck yeah I'd be upset! My daughter will NOT be a lesbian.

B.B.

answers from Dallas on

People can take this how they want, but he'll yes, I would be upset. There's no need for explanation, but yeah.. Highly upset

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions