Teenage Boy Will Not Go to School and Is Disrespectful at Home, Need Advice

I would take that skateboard under lock and key and when his attitude adjusts then he can have it back. I'd also take away all other privileged. By law you only need to provide a roof and food and that is what I'd tell him. As his attitude and respect improves he can earn things back. We have removed a bedroom door a many a times as well as toys and game systems. It is almost as much as a pain to enforce as it is to not but I'll tell you my 5 yr old will be a better person for learning respect at this age.

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I don't see your Mom as a doormat caregiver I see as a narcissistic parent who will do everything she can to destroy your relationship with your child. Get your own place to live.
My son did the same thing when he was young and nothing anyone did would make him go to school. It's not like he's 5 and you can pick him up and carry him to the car and into school. Even if you can get him in the car and drive him to school and watch him enter the building you can't make him stay.
I recommend talking to social services and getting a counselor who will work with you in the best interests of your child. If he ends up getting arrested or some other trouble like being ordered to boot camp -- let it go. Hopefully something will wake him up and he will realize that the decisions he is making right now will impact the rest of his life.
I looked into places like Boys Town and Rawhide for my son but the cost to the parent is $2500/month. The only bootcamp situation that does not cost the parents anything is through the National Guard but the child can not be court ordered or sent by the parent he has to be willing to go.

Have you looked into something else going on with your son? I hate to say it, but the physical confrontations, disrespect and skipping school makes me alcohol or drugs are involved. It could be he is also being bullied. It is worth it to investigate. I would contact the school counselor to intervene in this.

The way I see it....there's multiple problems. Grandma needs to be supportive. I'm guessing that you're not able to move out, but one more conversation needs to be between you and your mom. As far as school......14 year olds don't have a choice. Contact school to let them know he refuses. Maybe the social worker needs to make a home visit. Do you think there's something going on at school? Not many friends, bullying, bored, drugs, etc? Some of this is age related, however the police can always be called, especially when he becomes physical. Good luck. It's a tough age.

Drive him to school every. single. day. yourself.
WATCH him go into the building.
Even if this means adjusting your hours at work to do it.

Have the truant officer show up at your home and give your mom and your son the low down on what happens when you don't go to school.
Move out. Sooner rather than later....
Set the rules and the consequences and be consistent.
YMMV
LBC

If you can't move out for some reason you need some kind of a program that includes family therapy with you, your son and grandma. I would also try and find consequences that grandma can't easily get around. For example if he is grounded from the skate park then take his board and lock it in you car trunk or someplace else neither you son or grandma can get at it. Talk t the school or family court and see what counseling or other resources you can find.

Move out ASAP. Living in your mother's home means she's taken on a role of parent for your son, and being YOUR mother means she's comfortable undermining you. Living in her home means that you and she are at a point in your relationship where emotionally it's as if you were in the same place you were at the worst point when you were a teenager (I wish I had the studies handy to prove that this is a real phenomenon but it's true). As long as you live there, she feels that she's parenting him AND you. It's more than just a grandma being Grandma.

Your son is at a vulnerable age where having a father is so very important... and not that it's never been important... but now more than ever. His anger has probably built over the years and he's noticing that his friends get to do fun things with their dads. Where does that anger go? Not where it should (his dad) but to the closest and easiest target. On top of that, he's a hormonal teenager. He's testing boundaries.

You HAVE to have some serious consequences and stick to them. Get help from the school if you have to. Enlist the help of any male role models that your son looks up to. You CAN do this. Keep open lines of communication with your son. Get counseling for him, for you, and family counseling for the two of you together.

Work WITH the school and the DA in your area. Do they have a scared straight program of sorts anywhere near you? Do they have a shelter or a skid row anywhere near you? Go to the school counselor and explain your problem and then find out what services are available and creative ways you can show him what a lack of education as well as criminal conduct ( like assaut) will do for him.

Can you move out?

Ditto Riley.
I actually had the principal of our school come and get my 4th grader.
I called the school, told them the situation, she showed up 10 minutes later. I did tell him he had about 2 minutes to get into clothes or he would be taken by Mrs. B in his jammies.

What if what your mother were doing were coming from a husband? You would leave him. So why is she any different?

He will become more out of control the longer this goes on. At this point since you are his mother, do not let him take driver's ed or get his license unless there is a major attitude change, let him know now that at 16 there will be no license.

It's hard to relate to your situation when I don't understand why your mom is helping you raise him in the first place. My mom would NEVER have any say in anything my kids do, nor does she try to. Her mom didn't help her raise her kids, and on through the generations. So that's a strange dynamic to me that you can't just tell your mom she has no more say in your son's life. I also think 14 is a little too late to change his character (especially with your mom undermining you). You sound scared of tantrums, so you don't take decisive action.

If I were you, I'd give up with your son, as in: "Fine, don't go to school. Don't do anything I say. You're your own boss. I will not bother you or support you anymore in your skating. You can get a job and buy whatever you need, but anything I have bought goes."

Strip his room, get rid of his coolest skate clothes-anything he didn't buy himself with his own money, take his boards, give them away. Let him know if he wants to start acting like a son, going to school, etc, he can earn back some PRIVILEGES, but these luxuries are privileges he certainly doesn't deserve at this point in time. This is serious, and you do stand to lose him to a very bad life if you don't do something major.

Personally, I'd send him to Outward Bound or some crisis problem teen place if he's just going to trample you at home, defer to grandma and skip school. That's NOT helping him. Get tough, don't give up on him! Watch some online episodes of World's Strictest Parents for ideas on super bad teens-and seriously, consider sending him somewhere for Tough Love.

If I tried any of the stuff you mention here I would have been grounded beyond belief and never seen a skate park again until after graduation. You do have some power here, use it, or get help! Call authorities if you need to about his refusal to go to school-find your resources, get in touch wit police see if there is a crisis youth support system in your area etc. This place looks great for directing you in Denver, Focus Adolescent Services:

http://www.focusas.com/Colorado-Programs.html

Hand him over to your mom for awhile, see what happens.
Maybe he'll do better with her OR she will become your ally.
Sounds like he's headed to juvenile hall. It's a shame when there is no father figure around, some boys really need that strong hand, not all, but some.

Your mom is a big problem here!! I would be moving out ASAP! Your mom knows about the court thing and still doesn't back you? How can she not see that SHE is damaging her grandson!?

Yep get rid of the skate board! Give to a trusted friend to hold for you! If he physically harms something call the cops! He needs to be shown some major tough love!

Doesn't the school have any alternative programs? Why does he not want to go to school? I would want to know the real reason with this. Perhaps he may be on board for home schooling? Maybe think about getting info on a GED for him. Also I would be getting him some counseling for his tantrums and anger issues! He maybe having some depression issues going on.

I wish you luck!

You don't mention why mom is living with you, but if circumstances permit, maybe it's time to separate if she won't respect your authority as the boy's mother.

Right or wrong, she has no right to undermine you as a parent. She is destroying your bond and relationship with your son. He may play favorites but in the end he's going to pay for her bad judgement.

So time to tell her to hit the bricks if she can't keep her mouth closed, opinions to herself and urges to step in an "fix" things under wraps.

Next, you dono't mention what is going on with him and school. No kid skips school just because he doesn't like it. There is something wrong and either he isn't telling you or you're not hearing him out and responding to his concerns. I suspect bullying or academic failure are behind his absences, or perhaps a case of an out of control permissive grandma letting him get out of work to pursue" just being a kid." Whatever the reason, you need to find out now and directly address the problem.

If it's bullying you need to talk to your son and school officials. If a good solution can not be made between all parties, seriously consider homeschooling. He needs his degree to make it in this world. If he can't stand the environment there, he doesn't get along with the teachers and/or kids, or he isn't getting the academic help he needs if he's struggling, you need to find a suitable alternative for his education. Seriously look into homeschooling, a private school or an alternative or charter school. Tutoring outside of what the school offers may be another suitable option if academic struggles are at play. If you opt for homeschooling, grandma needs to be reined in. This option will not work if she's still in the picture. Believe me. Without her in the mix, it could do wonders for your son.

If it's grandma letting him off the hook of an honest day's hard work, tell her to butt out or move out...as I've already said...if you don't get tough on her and get her out, she will destroy your son's life. Tough love is what he needs...even if means exacting some of that tough love on mom in the process. If for some reason it is YOU who is financially dependant on mom and she's somehow supporting you financially, it is time to end the toxic relationship. You need to find a way to support yourself on your own so you don't have to put up with a meddling mother who is weilding her power over you and your family because you have no financial control of your own. Once again, you need to set a good example for your son. If he sees you caving to your mother's bad example he will only learn to self sabotage his own life. You need to distance to move ahead.

PS: Where's dad. He needs to set the bar on what is acceptable behavior for a man at home. If hubby isn't teaching him to respect women, particularly his own mother, then hubby needs some schooling and improvement as well. Hubby needs to get more involved. Your son will respond to a male disciplinarian. ..even before listening to grandma. Hubby is key to successfully reigning the kid in.

Oh boy ! He is only 14. If this is not taken care of soon...age 17 is not going to be pretty !
I'm a parent educator. Sadly, your Mom is acting like a "doormat" caregiver. In turn, your son has discovered that if can keep you two arguing while he around-- the arguing lets him sit back and get away w/ "anything" he wants because you and your Mom aren't backing each other up. This gives him a sense of "dangerous" power and makes for a manipulative, angry child. Deep down, I bet he is very discouraged to see that you aren't standing up for yourself.

See if there are parenting classes that you and your mom can attend ASAP. See what the school social worker can do, etc...

Your Mom has to see that he needs a firm, yet loving hand when it comes to discipline. Can you move out for a bit?

I am sure that he is a great kid. He really needs to get back on track when it comes to respecting you !

Tell him that you are going to drive him to school every day from here on in. Or have somebody you trust take him. Or a cop will drive him in (only if this is readily available). This is NOTa choice for him to make...He has to go to school !

Best of luck ! Be strong !

First off, a 14 year old cannot refuse to go to school. You drive him to school, park and walk in with him. Period.

You must meet with the school and engage them to help you with this - but, ultimately, it is your responsibility to get your boy to school. In my state a parent can be charged with child neglect if a student misses too much school. You really don't want law enforcement to show up at your door - unless you have arranged it with them so they can talk to your son.

2nd - I don't buy the male influence argument. I have been a single parent to a son for 16 years. He is respectful, loving, a decent student, and a loyal friend - all without a steady, male parent in his life. If you think he needs a male role model look into Boys & Girls Clubs, YMCA, Big Brother programs, church mentor programs - there are a ton of options out there to fill that need.

3rd - you say you have lived with your mother - which means she has always undermined your parenting. It is time for you to get your own place - or for your mother to get her own place.

Unfortunately, a situation that is years in the making will not be corrected overnight - but, you have to make a conscience decision to take control of your life, and, therefore, your child's life. You son is throwing tantrums as a form of control - because he is the one with the power in your house. Your mother and you, by giving in to him to avoid tantrums, have let him gain the upper hand in the house.

4th - therapy - for you, and for him, and for the two of you together.

Good Luck to you.

Oh My,
I don't know how many children like yours I once worked with! Grandma needs to show you some support and both of you need to start some Tough Lovin' in your house.

Yes not having a male influence is part of the issue but not all and he is playing you against GrandMa and he has many feeling relative to lack of control, confusions, fears, self image/concepts etc. It is possible that he may have gotten involved with a not great group of kids.

Talk to the school, and work with them---such agreesing that truancy is a crime and he could be arrested-----which may be a good thing in the long run to help turn him around and learn to take responsibility for his ways and behaviors.
The school is not the enemy here, talk to them and work with them and yes talk to Grandma and let her know how you feel and that his playing Her against you is hurting him, and could cause him more harm then good! He needs boundaries and the 2 of you need to set them and be consistent with them; even through the screams, tantrums and tears. You be stronger than ever, not mean but strong with both of your loved ones.