Teen Cought Smoking pot...help!!!

Since he is 16, has he started asking to drive? Having car privilidges is a big thing to withhold from a teenager. Changing schools, or homeschooling if possible, is a good solution. He may hate it, but it is for his own good. See if you can find books by Dennis Mitchell at the bookstore or the library, or see if you can find him talking locally. He has great ideas for out of the box disclipline for all ages and he lives here in the metroplex.

Have you considered getting him counseling (both for him and as a family)? If punishment isn't enough to scare him, perhaps he already has a problem and is getting addicted...

Hi M.,
Well I hate to tell you but changing his school is not going to help at his age. He is old enough now to make his own decisions and sadly he is not choosing wisely. I can only imagine how upsetting this can be for you and please don't think I'm making light of using drugs because I'm not. I will tell you that making a big deal and reacting strongly is only going to make the situation worse. Drug use is more of a poor choice than being disobedient at his age. I do think that it's unfortunate and normal for a person his age to be trying out. I would concentrate more on a healthy relationship with him than punishing him. If you cannot talk to him with respect about this than he needs to talk to someone that he can trust about it. Some day he's going to be without your direction and discipline and you want him to have the skills needed to make wise choices. As you know that time is coming soon. Sometimes as parents, we can push our kids into retaliation instead of obedience by the way we react. Sorry your going through this but I think you should take a deep breath and some time to see the whole picture instead of the heated moment(s).
Best Regards,
C.

Good morning, M.,
Getting counselling for your son is an excellent idea. Start with the school counselors, but don't stop there. Now is the critical time for intervention.
Linda Alexander in Richardson is very good and helped our son. She is a licensed family therapist and also a licensed chemical dependancy counselor, definitely worth the money. Her phone number is ###-###-####.
Our son is 20 now, works full time, bought a car on his own, and plans to attend college in January paid with his own money.
Good luck and hang in there!

Instead of just taking away thing, which is always a good idea. Maybe find something he's interested in as a reward for the good behavior.

Is he interested in college? UTA has a few classes he could take afterschool. Cool part would not be the classes but he would be hanging out with college kids.

Maybe you could find something he's interested in thats more future based.

Get him EMT classes and he can work for the local 911 provider (arlington EMS.) Free admit to Ranger and Cowboy games.

I know it's not a great answer, but I hope every little bit will help

Time for some community service or join Arlington PD Explorers:

http://www.apdexplorers.com/

If he doesn't understand the consequences of these actions at this age, he needs to learn them quick. Not only is it illegal and can ruin his life and career, it is also hurting his lungs. So you force him to face one of these situations head on.

If you think you need help, you might want to look into rehab counseling:

http://www.markhoustonrecovery.com/arlington_drugs_page.php

GL to you!

as a former teen who did those things myself, trust me when I say I wish my mom would have done something about it. My mom knew and pretty much ignored the problem. Get him some help (maybe counseling or some kind of drug awareness/rehab.) He is screaming for help whether he knows it or not, and right now he probably does not it. If you're not careful, he will get his siblings involved, so I would start taking care of the problem now. Trust me when I say, grounding will not work and isolating him will only make things worse. Show him alot of attention and get him some help. I outgrew my problems on my own, but it was not easy. It took an unplanned pregnancy at the age of 16 and alot of bad choices along the way to finally wake me up, but many teenagers just move on to harder drugs and make even worse choices than pot. Get help now, please, for you entire family's sake.

Hi M.,
I too have a 16 year old son. I think a great place to start with advice is from a 16 year old who has choosen to not do drugs. So, I told my son your story and the first thing he said was, "well has she sat down and talked to him like hes a real person and not just yell and tell him it's bad to do and don't do it". I think this is a huge part in helping our kids. We have to treat them with respect and listen to what they say. We can punish all day long but until they "want" to do what is right we are kinda fighting a loosing battle. Our 16 year old sons are in the process of growing into young men. They really don't want Mom to give advice or mommy them anymore. We have to deal with them much differently then when they were little boys. So, why not try a different approach. How about sitting down with your son and first telling him that you love him, forgive him and just want what is best for him. At this point asking our kids questions can get us further then TELLING. Ask him why he likes smoking pot, why does he want to do this to his body. Have your questions prepared and be prepared to just listen. He needs to feel safe with you. At this point you must convey love. I do believe in discipline and consequences but I know love never fails. Try to not yet give your adivce. Give him a day or two to ponder that you just asked questions and allowed him to be honest. Then go back and ASK him if ya'll could talk again. Ask him if he cares that when the pot goes into his body and up to his brain that brain cells get destroyed?Ask him if he believes that a little pot adds to harder drugs. Talk with him, not at him. Ask him if he would be willing to look at some facts with you concerning pot and drugs. He needs to be informed. If he is resistant than let him know that this is part of the consequences of making wrong decisions, it's a requirement, but as your informing and leading, and guiding him you must walk in love and patience. Ask him what you really want to Tell him. Allow him to feel as though he is making the decisions and choices, not being forced to do what you say to do. I hope some of this helps. I hope you know Christ and can find strength and wisdom in the Lord. Blessings,

I only skimmed the other responses, but M., it doesn't seem to me that transferring him will help. If this is something he is choosing to do, someone who also chooses to do pot will present themselves at any other school you take him to, giving him the opportunity again. I personally think our children have to know we are "on their side" no matter what. I know telling him that you don't agree with his actions are important too. I think the best thing you can do at this point is talk to him about the dangers, not just about your wishes that he not do it and it's wrong, but really why. Make him understand it. Get him some counseling, because something else could be going on, and certainly communication never hurts between parents and teenagers. Counseling will help with communication hopefully.

Good luck to you and your family. My hope is that you all come out on the other side of this experience with a huge opening to be honest with each other and maybe it will end up being a good thing.

Best!

Get counseling, for him individually and as a family. Kids who feel the need to do drugs have underlying issues, and they may not even be aware of them. Hopefully a counselor can help him see his self-worth and how valuable he is without drugs.

Coming from someone who smoked pot in high school and then went on to college and was successful by the worlds standards I wouldn't push him so hard that he does something stupid like runs away or kills himself.

Go to a counselor and talk. If he's 16 then he's almost 17 which is an adult as far as living alone and not under your roof. He's at that almost adult age. Seek professional help.

I know it can feel like there are only young moms on here - I have a 12 and 13 year old, and they are quickly coming upon the older kid problems. I can see them already creeping into our lives...

My nephew is 16, and does smoke pot. He stayed with us for a while this summer, PLUS I have *tried* to deal with this news from Texas (when he was in NC) while his parents were on vacation in LA! Be grateful you can actually see and touch your son. Imagine if he was half way across the country!

What I have learned with him.... They are at an age where they will leave the house and be forced to make their own decisions. Some decisions will be great - others will be so very stupid. All you can really do is talk WITH him (make sure to engage him in the converstation), tell him where you stand on the subject & what you expect from him. Let him know what will happen if he does X, Y, or Z - then DO it (like you already are).

I know it sucks. It is scary watching them walk out the front door KNOWING they are supposed to be doing something that is just fun and safe (like school), but hoping deep down they are really going to do that activity and not something they (and you) will regret.

To answer your question, I think you are already doing all that you can do. You are sticking to your guns. Just make sure you both can have a real conversation about this when you both cool down.

Good luck.

M.,

I really like Sandralyn's advice and want to add a bit of my own. Ask your son what his goals are. If he doesn't really have any, you have a problem. Your son may need counseling and support to find direction in his life.

If he does have goals have him focus on those. Do his actions bring him closer to his goal or further away? If HE can see smoking pot may ruin his chances of participating in sports, getting a scholarship, or getting his dream job, he may decide that it is really not worth it. Ask him what would help him. Does he need a fresh start at another school?

My husband interviewed for a job with the FBI. Did you know that they even interview childhood friends to make sure that an applicant has never broken a law? At 42, I applied for a job teaching elementary students with our local school district. They asked if I had ever been in trouble for underage drinking. I was shocked that they would even care more than 20 years later!

But rather than focus on these possible negative results, focus on the positive. What is the best use of his time? Support your child's goals, even if they seem silly to you. Focusing on designing video games or starring in a band is much better than pot and lethargy.

Good luck!
Jen

This is the time to tell/show your love for your child by "tough love." YOU ARE NOT HIS FRIEND; YOU ARE HIS PARENT. Be that parent-to the point of turning him into the authorities if need be. His rebellion is a sure sign of his intent to go on smoking weed.I have 4 1/2 years clean time in Narcotics Anonymous. MY addiction was Rx drugs, but I've been around enough street drug addicts to know that this is just the beginning.
Get him whatever help you can get. Promise him-not threaten-that you will kick him out if he continues using. Tell him that under the local freeway bridge will be his next mailing address. You must force this. I've heard too many young addicts say that if their parents hadn't gotten tough, they'd still be out there slowly killing themselves. I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT A DEAD SON. Let him be alive to hate you. JUST LET HIM BE ALIVE!!! Someday, I promise, he'll see why you did what you did. When he says "I'd rather die," that is a distinct possiblity.
NA 3rd Step prayer: God take my will and my life. Show me how to live clean." Then, we tag on "Keep coming back [to meetings]; it works if you work it; you'll die if you don't."

M., Just want to touch on why your son has taken on smoking pot. Would you describe him as self-confident or someone trying to fit in or be like someone in his group that seems like the "leader." You described your family as a circus and "we" love every minute. Does "he" love the hecktic lifestyle and probably loud noise levels, everyone taling at once when all are together? Is it hard to get a nice quiet space when he would like to? Does he get along w/his step brother and sister or is there a jealousy that his mom is dividing some of "his" time with the "new kids on the block." It could be getting to him and he can't say anything because he knows it can't change so he does what he believes is the next best thing and smokes pot because he's been told it numbs the pain, makes you forget, makes you feel great, etc. How does his step father treat him? Can he see a difference in the way he is treated and the way his step-father treats his biological children? You've probably asked yourself all these questions and a whole lot more, but hope this will help. Busy families don't always mean happy families to "all" the family members.

I wish you all the best.
P. S.

M.,

My girls aren't teens yet, but my husband I talk about this kind of stuff all the time and what we would do if this ever happens. I think you should transfer him...I think as parents we need to be willing to take extremes to help our children. If this seems to be something that keeps happening...then the grounding didn't work, then it is time to move on to something more extreme. I think you are doing a great job, but no matter what you take away at home, he is still in contact with his friends at school. Best of luck!

In response to CR from Dallas! Your answer totally helped me! I keep battling with my 16 year old son from grades,partying, to coming home late and the more I battle the worse it gets. I just feel I want to protect him from getting into trouble. I think you nailed it when you said some teens retaliate the more you are on them. My son does talk to me and tell me things about everything but then regrets telling me because I get upset about it. I think every teen is different and I truly believe that if I keep battling with him I will push him further away. I also agree to focus on having a healthy relationship with him rather than an unhealthy one (which is where it is headed). My husband(his dad) and him talk regularly and have a good relationship. Sad to say, I went through this same battle (not the Pot of course) when my son was 3-4 and I feel I need to go back to that day again and take breathers before I do anything. When he was 3 I had to constantly redirect him rather than punishment because that made it WORSE and maybe that's what I need to do again. I don't want to go through this for his senior year next year. I think I need to make some changes myself without enabling him. He is 16 and needs to start making his own choices and if they are wrong and gets caught then he will learn and have to live with the consequences.

First, don't take EVERYTHING AWAY. When you do that then they give up and figure I might as well do what I want because it can't get worse.

Second, you are absolutely right to be concerned, but don't panic. Maybe he did it 3 times or maybe 30. Remember, it's typical for teenagers to try to manipulate you and the truth. You are prepared to jump in and that is a good thing.

I found this phone number on the net: Get Help Today 866.870.6948
Find a program that will guide you and that suits you. This happened to my friend and we got on the phone that day to find help. My friend went somewhere in Highland Park. It was a program where Parents went with their children to meetings, then the parents and children will divided up to learn how to handle the situation. I can't remember who it was through and honestly it was a few years ago. Her turned her daughter around. Call the number, get on the internet and find an affordable program that feels like a good fit for your family. Don't try to do this alone.

M., sorry to hear this. I too have dealt with drug issues with my older children, in wich started out with pot. They changed when they changed friends. Watch who your son is hanging out with. In today society it is so easy to get anything in form of drugs what they want. The hard part is gettig them to listen and understand the consequences if they get caught by the law. Teenagers seem to have a mind of there own. Not to mention they already know everything there is to know. Do keep in touch who his friends are. Maybe have the school conselor talk with him. I started drug testing mine. Trus me it only leads to harder drugs. My son is now 27 and still an addict,of drugs much harder than pot. PRAY PRAY PRAY

Establish a clear family position on drugs (which you have, be a good example, discuss what makes a good friend, offer self-esteem, go to www.drugfreeworld.com for some resources. They have some documentarties of teens that share their stories. He needs to understand the consequences of his actions by hearing from someone else other than his friends. You can't be control of all of his decisions; however, you can at least let him know the truth about drugs. I remember my mom took me to a panel where teen girls talked about getting pregnant and how it changed their lives. I have to say that i always thought of their stories throughout college. Maybe there is someting similar where you can take him to hear someone speak on the negative side of drugs; a person he can relate to a bit more than a mom or dad. Good luck!!