Dad Smokes Pot with Teen

Call the police or report him to family services. Whether adults believe pot is ok or not, the son (who's still in school) is considered too young to make the decision about whether or not this is something he wants to do. I completely DISAGREE with Sara W. If pot was OK, it would be legal by now. Fix it now, before it becomes a long term problem or leads to other drugs! And while it doesn't always lead to other drugs, it can. Why take the chance?

Hi,

You have to ask yourself something. Did the man smoke pot before you produced your son? If yes, what did you expect?
Now if the answer is yes. Then you had sex with a drug attic and you are equal in the blame. If you go after the father you will loose yoour son. Maybe!
I think you just need to confront your son on the matter. If you get the courts involved you might ruin your sons future in the work force. You just have to keep explaining to him, how many doors are shut for that pot smoking reason. You might even explain to him if he is ever in a accident and somebody get hurt, he might be tested. Then the pot smoking will be used agaist him in court, and he will always look guilty. Another thing is if he ever drives a truck and crosses state line's and gets pulled over, they can test him. The result of that would ruin a few years of his life.
Remember to tell him that Pot does not make you swim fast. He just might think that right now.
Be honest, tell him your background, tell him if you smoked pot yourself and why. And, why you quite.
As for me, I would rather my son smoke pot than drink legally. After all how many times have you seen a cop have to come break up a fight at a pot party?
So, to make a long story short you have to be honest yourself. After all there is your story , His story and then the truth. But, you can tell your son I said he will get alot further in life if he just focuses on where he wants to end up.
If his father smokes pot and is rich, you might as well keep this a secret with your family. When explaining this all to your son there should be no yelling, name calling, and so on. If you like to bash the kids father , like it looks like you do, you will get NO Where!! No, that's not true, you will get one less son to worry about. Your job is to only to get him the right message, but he has to work this out. Please do not give your own kid a police record, find another way. As you know, that stuff is fun for a young kid, and as for the father it is his new Girlfriend.

Dear M.,
My first reaction to your message is that this man is trying desperately to find a way to bond with his son, and has no idea how. The problem is, he is bringing himself down to a level he believes his son will except him as a man. Instead, he is showing his son that it's okay to go against the law, and do something unhealthy. He is not being a good role model. And yet, that's what every boy needs and wants.
My son is now 22, a senior in college, and respects his father so much that they talk on the phone almost everyday. Why? Because his father was the coach of his soccer team, went to every one of his ice hockey games, and they share an interest in history and movies. Together, they root for football teams, and talk about war movies. Our son has never picked up a cigarette or even a can of beer.
The important thing is to become interested in your children's talents. Find out what they are, let them try new things, and encourage them.
I hope things work out, W.

report the father. his rights for visitation may then be elimated. you have to decide which way you want to play this out.

Hey in responce to one thing someone had wrote about social services you have to be willing to accept that your friend might be angry for calling , but remember your doing it for the safety and security for her son.Sometimes if these avenues dont work Prayer is the key to your own piece of mind and for others maybe not the answer you want but it will come.Also as a person in recovery tell your friend to educate herself on the nature of addiction some people think pot is harmless but its still a drug.

The gravity of this can not be stated strongly enough. A teenager should not be smoking pot any more than drinking alcohol. A teenager is not an adult, they do not have the maturity to manage this. Not to mention the lack of boundary there. A teenager sneaking off to smoke pot with friends may be an experiment in growing up, but with Dad, completely different implications! A parent is not a pal. That Mom needs to get to family court and have custody or visitation revoked! I don't think pot should be illegal, but it is not appropriate for teenagers, who are still developing, both in mind and body.

You are in a tough position since it is not your own child! Unless you are prepared to report this man yourself, your best bet is to think through what you want to say to the Mom, try not to come across as judgmental but rather concerned out of love for that family. It would be an amazingly brave think to do!

C.

Dear M.,

I agree with Sarah and Stephanie. I don't think smoking pot, in and of itself, is the end of the world, but I DO think this guy is NOT a responsible or appropriate parent.

There are two issues here, pot and parenting, and what's important is the way they interact.

First, pot is NOT good for you -- it kills brain cells, can damage memory if smoked in extreme abundance, and leads to extremely unhealthy eating habits. That said, it's not addictive, the claims that it's a "gateway drug" are scientifically dubious, and it probably does have medical benefits for people with severe illnesses (NOT healthy teenage boys).

BUT, what's significant here is that the dad is modeling antisocial, irresponsible behavior. Most teenagers don't have the capacity to distinguish between, say, a subtle critique of U.S. drug policy and a general injunction to go out and break all the rules because "society is bad." And if this guy is comfortable sending a "break all the rules" message to a teenage child, then, sorry, he shouldn't be in the business of being a parent.

I'd venture that this pot-smoking IS affecting your friend's son's grades -- not necessarily as a result of the pot itself (unless he's smoking it every day and then some) but because the son is probably applying his dad's "f*** the rules" attitude to school in general.

So yeah, I do agree with the moms who advise that your friend report her ex. Not because pot itself is the end of the world, but because this guy's parenting approach IS.

Best of luck,

Mira

P.S. This sounds like a very difficult time for your friend, but under the circumstances, it's wonderful that she has a great friend like you :)

I left my husband before this was able to happen. He refused to grow up and thought nothing bad ever came from smoking pot. It was a bone o contention our entire 18 year marriage, and even though I did smoke with him in the early years, I always told him I wanted him to quit and said this is not how I want to live my life. When my kids were 5 and 11 I made the decision to protect my children. He was shocked and hurt, but I never regretted my decision. He has continued his lifestyle with much strife and consequenses. He never sees his children ( his own decision). My children are aware, because he told them, why I left and are relieved that this is something they don't have to deal with. They are 12 and 16 now, doing great in school and don't have the worry and mixed signals his habit would have caused them. In my opinion, the mother needs to put a stop to this at once.

Hi M.,
I think your friend ought to let her attorney know about it. It can be handled as part of the custody/visitation arrangements. I think your friend does need to report it in this way, because if it comes out later and it's found out that the mom knew and did nothing, she could potentially lose custody herself.

I think you should tell your friend to notify child services herself. When they find out from someone else, she's going to get in trouble too for allowing it to go on. Her son's life could be ruined from this. Her job as a mother is to protect her son....even if that means protecting him from his father. If she stops it now, he could get back on the right track. I wouldn't worry about him looking up to his father. That's not the kind of role model I would want for my kids. Maybe if child services gets involved, the father will straighten himself out too and be someone that his son could look up to.
Good luck.

Report him immediately!!!!!!

Hi M.~

Mom MUST talk to Dad right away. She needs to tell him (not ask, TELL) this behavior must end right now. If the boy goes to school and it comes out that he smokes with Dad, and that Mom knows it's going on, then both Mom and Dad will be in a world of trouble and the boy could end up in Foster care.

You need to talk to your friend. If she isn't willing to call Social Services, then you should. This must be taken care of RIGHT AWAY for the sake of the boy. It seems no one cares about a 16 year old boy and his health. THIS MUST BE REPORT RIGHT AWAY!!!

I wish you the best of luck...

~J.

It is unfortunate but she is going to have to take the father back to court and get supervised visitations with drug testing mandatory for her son after their visits. It is the only way I can think of to protect her son from a drug abusing parent.

Someone needs to report the guy. It is one thing to give your child a sip of wine to taste but another to spoke pot around or with a child. Not only is it illegal it is unethical and let us forget about "society rules" in this day and age with all the multiculturalism that went out the window.
T.

Sounds like social services and the court should get involved.