Talking About Estranged Grandfather

Updated on May 13, 2013
R.Z. asks from Milford, NH
9 answers

How young is too young to talk about this. We have a 5 year old son who is very aware of other people's feelings. I have not spoken with my father since our son was 10 months old. Without all the details... my dad is very disrespectful of me, my husband, my sister and is very manipulative. We didn't want that in our son's life as we see it play-out for my sister with her two boys. Anyways.... flash forward 5 years. We've been living about 3 hours away from my family for 10 years and recently have moved back. My mom is remarried and her husband is Grampy to our son. However, my nephews talk about their grandfather (my dad) and our son is going to put it together that my sisters dad is also my dad. I knew/know we will have to discuss this at some point and I'm big on being honest when our son asks questions, but this is grown-up issues, not for him to worry about. When and how do you think this should go?

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M.P.

answers from Raleigh on

My father and I have been estranged for almost 12 years. My 6 yo son always asks where my dad is, who he is, etc. He has never met him. I just explain to my son that not all people have daddies present in their lives for whatever reason. I just told him he is very lucky to have such an awesome daddy that thinks the world of him. He seemed ok with this explanation, but he wanted to find me a dad of my own. lol He is such a sweet kid.

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S.S.

answers from Dallas on

I have the exact same relationship with my mom. We've been estranged since December. My son (4.5 yrs) is/was very close to her. He brought her up a few times, I finally just had to tell him that Grandma was not nice to mommy and daddy so she can't come to visit. So far, that has been all the information he has needed. Once he gets much older, if my mom is still out of our lives, I will explain things to him in much more depth when I know he can process it as a young adult. I have told him that Grandma loves him and it's good for him to love her, too. I make sure that I don't force my feelings towards her on him. He needs to make up his own mind.

4 moms found this helpful

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

R.:

I'm truly sorry this is the relationship you have with your father!!

I would NOT press it until my son comes to me with the question and not before.

The telling him will be the tricky part. It has to be at his age. You can tell him that while you love him, you don't like how he treats you and decided to distance yourself from him....

to be honest - I've NEVER been in this situation. So I wouldn't know the words to use. You don't want him to think that if he disagrees with you - you will leave him - as he might associate that.

Does his school have a counselor? If so - I would make an appointment to talk with the counselor so you can learn the right words to use when he asks....

Again, I would NOT tell him until he asks.

Good luck!

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

My father hasn't been around since I was 10 and my xSF was out of the picture by the time DH and I married. If DD asks, I'll say that (truthfully now) my father is dead and my mother is divorced. She kind of understands multiple households but one family b/c of her brother and sister and cousin. I would keep it simple. "I don't get along with my father." or something like that. I wouldn't bring it up til he does, unless your father will be at an event for the nephews and your son needs to know who he is.

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S.B.

answers from Omaha on

You don't have to go into too much detail, just the bare minimum. And keep in mind that whatever you tell him will be repeated to his cousin and will probably make it's way back to your dad, because that's the way of kids. We don't see my mom very often because she lives 3-4 hours away, so we haven't had to explain this to our daughter. I'm dreading having to explain to her my relationship with my mother. Good luck!

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

I also say don't mention your father until he asks and then I'd say as little as possible answering just the questions he asks. If he asks why your family doesn't spend time with him be honest while saying something simple, such as you don't enjoy his company.

There are some people we don't like to be around and he's one of them. Yes, he's your father and you're now grown up and live apart from him. You've decided it's best to not be around him. No need to give reasons at this age. It's an adult decisions that you've made.

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A.R.

answers from Dallas on

My kids knew my dad until they were around 4 or 5, although he lived across the country and they only saw him once a year. Then he was diagnosed with Parkinson's and pushed everybody out who wasn't willing to do things his way; ie we wouldn't let him move from CA to TX to live with us so he didn't want anything to do with us. My kids asked about him, not because their cousins talked about him, but because they wanted to understand the family relationships, which is normal. I just said that Papa had chosen not to have us in his life. It's a sad choice, and we still love him and pray for him, but we have to respect his choice.

Just tell him that Grandpa made choices that keep him from being with your family. It's ok to still care about him or be curious about him, but we have to respect his choices. Your son doesn't need to know the details of the choices (grandpa's manipulative and disrespectful and won't change), just that it has nothing to do with him and it's ok to be curious about him. Kids that young will accept what you tell them, the key is to not make a big deal of it.

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J.M.

answers from Boston on

Will u be running into him at family events?

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L.L.

answers from Buffalo on

I am going through the same thing right now.
My daughter is 9, so i realize that her being a bit older is different than your position, i just wanted to offer up my advice. My daughter adored her "nana and grampy" since birth. My parents can be VERY moody and controlling. My 2 sisters were "disowned" by them a couple of years ago, for different reasons, and i dont have a relationship with them because i still was trying to make the relationship between my parents and me my husband and our daughter.
my hubby was gone out of town with my dad and my daughter and i stayed with mom as they were to be out of town for 2 weeks, over 2 hours away, so to help my mom out we were staying with her. Well, she spontaneously launched into one of her usual tirades, and i packed up our stuff and my daughter and i left.
when we got home, i say my daughter down and asked her if she realized why we left. She said " because nana is mad?" So I explained to my daughter that nana was being VERY disrespectful and that mommy wont allow that for me or for her, and was able to open up a lot deeper of a dialogue about being disrespected by friends, or when she is older by a boyfriend, etc. I tried to set an example by calmly packing our things and leaving my mom's. It's been 7 months without a spoken or written word between us, and I prefer it that way than to be controlled and bare the brunt of her mood swings.

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