What Should My Daughter Call My Mother???

Give Grammy a modifier! We did this with my mom. We call my grandmother Mama and my kids call my mom "little mama" pronounced "li'l mama". Maybe "Li'l Grammy" or Li'l grams? Best to you!

My brother had his kids call my mom granny just to be mean. and My mom knows it. but they do call her that.

I asked my mom what she wanted to be called and she thought grammy was nice. so we started calling her grammy. My daugher on the other hand re-named her MaGa and now it has morphed into Rah-gah. My son is following suit. So she's Rah-Gah. and that's probably what she'll be forever to my kids.

let her name her...

Good morning K.,

I am having this issue too. Only my mother-in-law wants my child to call her Grammy because her daughters child calls her Grammy. I HATE IT. Whenever she calls herself that to my child, I just correct my child and say that is Grandma. That is the word I have choosen for her and so that is what I reinforce at my house. It seems to work okay. Hope this helps.

My daughters have 5 grandmothers. My husband and my parents are both divorced and I have a birth mom who I am in contact with. What we did was pick a name for each grandparent. My husband's step mom is gammy, his mom is grammy. My birth mom is mema and my step mom is Nona and my mom is called grandmama. So maybe you could find a name that is easy for your daughter to say if she can talk and encourage her to say it and explain to your mom that you would rather her have her own special name so your daughter does not get confused. And maybe that would help her to understand and except if better.

I have had some experiences like this. I know you might think that it should be your choice what your daughter should call her Grandparents, but just look at it from your Mom's point of view. Does it really matter that your daughter calls her Grandmother, "Grammy" ? Is it worth it to cause hurt feelings and insist that she call her something else? Try to get to the bottom of why it bothers you. I think it's only fair that your Mom should gets to choose what her Grandchildren call her. She is the one who will get called, "Grammy", not you. I'm sure when you become a Grandmother you will want to decide what your called. This really should have been discussed before your daughter was born. If she is already calling your Mom "Grammy", don't you think it's too late? I don't think it'd be fair to your Mom or daughter to change now. You said that there can only be one, "Grammy". But it might be that your Mom wants to be called, "Grammy" because it holds sentiment for her stemming from your Grandmother. She's seen what affection you have for your, "Grammy", and wants that for herself too. Maybe she's been looking forward to being, "Grammy" for a long time? I hope this helps.

Ultimately, it would be up to your mom as to what she'd like to be called. I understand your frustration, but I'm also surprised that she's offended especially when so many of your other family members are against it too. How UN-original for your mom, but perhaps she thinks she can live up to "Grammy" standards too. When I was little, a cousin couldn't call our grandma "grandma". He called her GaGa, which she changed to Zaza. We still call her that to this day and she's 95! Perhaps your daughter can call your mom "Me-ma" since it seems she'd like a special name. I've heard that one only recently...grandpa was "Pe-pa". Try it out...
mj

I would tell my mother that it is confusing to your daughter, that she and come up with some reasonable alternatives, you might even consider cultural names like (I think, someone here will know for sure) Oohma which is german (?) my friends mom is oohma to her daughter, or nana, or some term you create -my dad is pompo- which is what he called his grandfather because as a small boy he said papa wrong and it stuck- try being positive and creative when you talk and she may be more receptive if that doesnt work maybe you could try grammy______ so its grammy (the origional) and grammy (here name) which is more tedious. good luck I hope it works out for you!

How does your daughter pronounce "Grammy"? Maybe you could both agree the way she says the word is just "too cute" and needs to be repeated, often. I think that your mom and grandmother need separate identities, when you tell your daughter you are going to "Grammy's" you want her to know who she will be visiting.

I totally agree with the responses you've been getting. I think explaining that it's confusing for two Grammys is a good idea. I would also stress to your babies that she is GRANDMA or whatever you want them to call her, because they will listen to you first. We have some serious skin-crawly problems with my hubbie's parents. To me they should be Grandma-so-and-so and Grandpa-so-and-so. They constantly refer to themselves and grandma and grandpa (and sometimes Mommy and Daddy, freudian slip!!) as if they are trying to shove it down my son's throat over and over. It's creepy. They aren't even good, real grandparents. Anyway, my Mom became Grammy because of the thing with the in-laws. So, I have sympathy...and I wish you patience.

How about Granny? It's close to Grammy but different. I have the same problem with so many great g-mas and pas and grandmas and grandpas on each side of our families. We use Grammy, Granny, MeMa, MeMe, Nana, Gramps, Grampy, Gram. I think thats it. Good Luck! :)

Hi K.,

I had the same problem with my mom, although it was about "Granny". I felt the same way you did, my mom did not meet the standards to hold that name. I seeked out info. as well and people told me to "make it my way". So one day I did it, after being in her presence for about 2 hours and thinking about it EVERY minute I said, "hey mom, Lily is gonna call you Nana, its too confusing for her", then I couardly walked Lily back to change her diaper saying, "yeah Lily you love Nana huh'! You pave the path for your baby, let everyone else follow. It will hurt them for a second, but now my mom has fully embraced Nana.
I think they just want their own name, not just grandma, who knows, but if you let her get away with this, the gates will open for more to come. Maybe make her a card with your daughters handprints that says Nana (or what you choose) and put it in the mail. Introduce the name she will have, play it up, overexpose (through the rest of the family) and cross your fingers!!

Hope this helps a little...

A.

OH..ouch! That sounds hard to deal with! I would just let her know that there is only one Grammy in the family! You can appreciate that she likes the term and maybe she associates it with a positive feeling..or wants others to associate it positively. Sometimes you have to pick and choose the battles that you go through and moms are hard to deal with! Just nicely tell her you understand but that you have chosen not to call her by that special name and could she come up with her own term so it won't be confusing and it will make her have her own special name. I had a similar problem with the term Auntie for my nephew! I didn't want to share the endearing term and I nicely and selfishly voiced my opinion in private to the other person(who was my mother in law) that she was not the auntie! So she decided to come up with her own term of Grantie! I felt silly at the time but it was the truth! Now it works fine! In the long run...maybe your mom will have a better relationship with your daughter than she did you....it could happen...you never know and in the end your child will determine what they call her when they are a little older anyway. We have a nana, Grandma, Grantie and auntie! Good luck

I'm not sure if this is something that we can necessarily give you advice on. What you are asking is of a personal choice. I had this same problem with my son, where we weren't sure what to call each of his many grandmothers. We never had a real name for his great grandmother. He had Grandma Pam, Nana Pat, Grandma Dawn, but when trying to explain to him that his great grandma is his grandpa's mommy, I'm not quite sure he got it. Although, his aunt was heard saying numerous times calling her grandmother (Gabe's great grandma) MeMa. At first I thought....whaaat????? But then I realized...she meant HER MA. ME MA. LOL Then it dawned on me. Gabe started picking this up and now she's the notorious MeMa for the WHOLE family. You'll find a name that will eventually work for the family. My son didn't know what to call her until he was around 2yr. Good luck! ;)
~B.

my daughter was 18 mos. old when we moved into the home of my MIL and her mother. almost right away my daughter came up with her own names for them. granma was Nana and great-grandma was Memo. See if your daughter has a special name for your mother; your mother may take it as a compliment from her.

Have you talked to your mother about this? If not, you are not being fair to her, neither is the rest of your family. However, if you have talked to her and she is still not responding and your child is happy to call her this, it seems to me that you and your family have to let go of some baggage that you have toward your mother. After all, it is just a name and all of you know who your real "grammy" is. Shouldn't it be okay for you mom to have some happiness? But if it feels totally inappropriate, then there are much deeper issues that you and your family need to work out with your mom, because it's obviously not about the name "grammmy" it's about your feelings caused by some kind of hurt your mother caused to you. For some reason, you do not feel respected by her. And if you are demanding respect, and she is not willing, then some boundaries need to be put into place and teach your daughter that she needs to call her another name.

Hi,
I'm not sure why this is such a sticky issue; it just is for almost everyone. One thing you could try, is explain to your mom that it will be confusing for your kids to have two grammy's, and they will never know which one you are talking about or who they are talking too. Then you could have some suggestions for other names. For example, Nana... that's what my daughter calls my mom because she didn't feel ready to be a grandma... and my grandparents are still alive and it's easier for her to call them grandma and grandpa then great... you get the picture. I'm sure there are other names out there. Try suggesting it that way. Not saying that you don't want her to be grammy but that there is already a grammy. I hope this helps... good luck with whatever you decide to do.

A.

K.,

it sounds like your mom admires your grandmother. The sincerest form of flattery is imitation and that looks like what you mom is doing. She wants her own granddaughter to look up to and feel about her the same way you and the rest of your family feel about your Grammy. Out of love and respect for your own mother I would allow it and cherish the relationship she is trying to establish with your daughter.

Hi K.,

I understand that what might sound funny to other people can really strike a nerve when you're intimately involved in the situation. I wonder if there isn't a way that you could give your mom some choice in the situation but still get your own needs met. Other folks' idea to tell your mom that you don't want it to be too confusing for your daughter having more than one "Grammy" sounds like a good idea (if you think she'll buy it given that she already knows you are opposed to her being called Grammy). But I suspect that the whole thing will go a lot smoother if you then encourage your mom to choose something different she'd like to be called--instead of just telling her what you're going to call her. That way, you can preserve Grammy for your Grammy, and your mom can have some say/power/ownership in the situation, too. Just a thought!

Good luck, Juliet

My mother had the same ideas about being called Nana, my grandmother's name. It the end, we just realized that my mom wanted to be Nana because she realized what a good grandmother my Nana was and wanted the same relationship with my Daughter. We call my mom, Nana Templeman, and my grandmother Nana, although my daughter calls my Nana, Nana Burt. My advice is forget the past, and let your mom be a good grandma even if she was a sucky mom.

Hi,

Ask her what she wants to be called, but I also recommend including "Dad" in there-- since he was also hinting strongly at it. Sit her down and explain. I recommend going directly to her... and not just deal with everyone else in the family. Let her know how you feel, and if she insists on being called grammy, maybe you can explain that she'll have big shoes to fill for that name.

I guess I have it somewhat lucky-- a Hungarian grandma & grandpa (Mamma & Papa) -- and US grandma, and grandpa. The fun is when Mommy and Mama are so close... and we aren't sure who he is calling. At the beginning I fought that she wanted to be called mamma... but then once I loosened up about it, I realized it all works itself out.

My encouragement to you is be open when the second one arrives to let your mom and your daughter try to be closer. I have a friend who was very astrained from her mom, but when child #2 arrived, her mom came to help and played with her first daughter and they became much closer. A much closer relationship developed between grandma who lives far away, and like grammy who is close.

Anyways, you can try to suggest Mamma... and best wishes. Try not to overreact too much!

Best wishes.

This is a h*** o*e, especially when there's already a beloved "Grammy" in the picture. But I also think that when you become a grandmother, it's the only time in life that you're allowed to name *yourself*. It sounds like the entire family has a somewhat strained relationship with her, but even so it might be disrespectful to deny her choice of a name because she's not up to "Grammy standards."

Could you plead confusion for the children and ask her to tweak it? (We have two Grammys in our family -- a Grammy Pat and a Grammy O.)

Hi K.,
My name is S. i am 41 with a 18yr old and a 4 yr old and a stepson that is 12yrs old and a stepdaughter that is 16 and a stepson that is 18, whew! gads! two of the children live with their mom, so we have 2 at home and one almost in college.I do not have my grandma around anymore and even though it makes your skin curl, your daughter does not feel that way yet even though she's not the Grammy you want,. she is a person with feelings. I say let her be Grammy if she wants when we are all on our death bed, what we want to remember is all of the love and the family around not the fact that we hated calling her Grammy, love her for the good in her, and try to overlook the bad, we all have our faults god knows I do, I am not trying to be h*** o* you, but I miss my grandma, so very much. My mom never really liked her that much, it was sad to hear my mom complain about her because I as a grandaughter had a different experience, and I felt hurt for my grandma, so that is my opinion for what it's worth.

When we had my daughter we decided we would call my mom Grandma and my husbands mom 'Nana'. This way it was easy for her (and us) to be able to determine which grandma we were talking about. There are lots of different names you can use for 'grandma'.. As your daughter starts to talk, maybe you can listen to 'what she calls your mom'. Alot of times they can not say the actual word, but what they do say is so cute. But there are lots of alternatives you can use to grandma or grammy...things like "memaw", "ganmaw", 'Me-me', 'mimi'...etc.
Goodluck and I hope it works out.
L.
www.athome.com/L.

I can sympathize, but I feel torn by this. One, I feel a grandmother should be called what she wants. You probably chose whether to be called Mommy, Mom or Ma, by your child.

But, I can see your point, too. Maybe you could try, extremely tactfully, to talk to your mom, without laying blame. Just say that your Grammy is a big part of your life, and calling two women "Grammy" is confusing to your daughter. (Your mom probably knows that your Grammy is much loved and on some level wants to have that love and respect, too.) Ask your mom if you two can decide on a special name together. Grams, Grandmama? Grammy Mary? And, let her know how lucky your daughter is to have a grandmother to be close to.

She may not in your opinion deserve to be called Grammy, but she is in fact your daughter's grandmother. To deny her that title would only increase the strife that exists in your family. Why not be a peacemaker and let her be called Grammy? Why not be thankful that she wants to be involved in your daughter's life, as imperfect as she is?
In my family, we call both the grandmothers and the great grandmother's grandma, but we add an initial or a first name to distinguish between them all, thus: Grandma T., Grandma Joyce, etc. Maybe something like that would work for you.

it is possible that your mother is wanting and needing to have the family consider her special like grammy and may not know that she needs to earn that right, which it sounds like she has not. instead of confronting mom i would tell your daughter that we each have our own names and grammy belongs to great grandma. so depending of the age of the child you may ask her what other name she thinks would be good for grandma. gran, grandma, nanna????

Well, I can't tell you what your daughter should call your mother, but here is what we do (and if any of the names help, by all means use them!!)
My grandparents are Grams and Gramps (my daughters great grandparents), my husbands grandma is Grandma Alice, my mother is Nana, his parents are Grandma ___ and Grandpa___ and then my adopted parents are grandma-not and grandpa-not (it looks tacky but sounds adorable when your kids say it!!)
I am not sure if any of this helps, but try to also talk to your mom (if she's stubborn like my mom, then I am sorry but I also understand- and it takes lots of patience) about other names that you can use to call her. Something that helped us when we had this dilemma is we explained to our parents that it would be very confusing to say "we are going to grammies house" and then your child would have to ask you which one, and think about which one you were talking about instead of being able to be excited from the get go.
Hope this helps...

My M. was called Nana and I feel honored that my grandchildren now call me Nana. She died about ten years ago we just called her great nana to my grandchildren. Instead of having your skin crawl, be grateful she is around for your children to have another grammy.

Hi there -
One "tactic" that you might want to try with your mom is to point out the fact that it is really confusing for a child to have more than one Grammy, especially when there is a strong identity with one of them and not the other. What I mean by that is that your Grammy (or the great Grammy in this case), that is what everyone in your family calls her and that is her identity (and as far as your child is concerned her name). Whereas it sounds like with your mom, she is the only one who refers to herself that way and that other people call her "Sue" or whatever her name is and your child could get very confused.

It wouldn't be an easy conversation, but talk to your mom and see if you can come up with a solution and name that works for both of you. One of my friends mom's didn't want to be called Grandma, so she adopted the moniker of Grandmother in Hawaiian (sorry I can't remember what it translates to) because it was easy for the child to say and it was unique and special for her and the grandchild.

Hope that helps! TC

Hi,
Well I had this same problem when my first child was born 6 years ago. My mother is very un-grandmotherly but wahted to be called , grandma or grammy. My Mother in law is the ultimate grandma so my husband and I just told my mom that she would be Nana, no question that is what we picked and told her it was to take away any confusion in my daughter while she was so young . Easier for her little mind to only have one grandma and one Nana. My mother still will refer to herself as grammy at times but we just gently correct her.
Good luck!
-J.

K.,
I'd say after me having the second great-grandchild in our family my mother had always dreamed of being like her grandmother so even though she wasn't as excited to be a grandmother so early, she wanted to go by the name Nannie. Her sister (my aunt) uses the same name as well. However, my husband's family like,,to,,be,,different. There are so many grandparents on that side, that their name is the description of who they are. We have a Grammy, grandma-grama, Nana, grandmother,grandma,may-ma,grams, and auntie. If you don't think you could get used to calling your mother Grammy, you could do what my mother did to her mother. my grandmother had always been grandmother, until my mom started referring to her as "grandmother-bobo". It was annoying, but it got the message acrossed and eventually she picked a different name for herself but not the "grandmother" name.
I hope my story helps :)

How about checking out YouAreYourName.com ?

I had a great-grandmother, and we all called her "Muggah", because one of us couldn't say "grandma". That could work, and it's not "Grammy". It was fun calling her Muggah, too, and she loved it!

Isn't it only right that your mother should be called by the name that SHE wants to be called. I think that it's incredibly insensitive and selfish of you to think that you should have a say in what anyone wants others to call them! If your mom wants to BE Grammy, then, if you love and respect her, you should get over it and allow her to be who she wants to be to her grandchildren.

It's not as silly as it sounds. My son has always called my parents "Gramma" and "Papa", while his dad's parents... whom he is close to but doesn't see as often... are "Gramma ____" and "Granpa _____". I was determined, as my mom was, that he was not going to use her name... she was proud to be a grandma and wanted it known. It's not like he calls me "Mom Karen"!
I think my only suggestion here would be to either include her name afterwards... or a version of. Grammy _______. Or, maybe change it to "GraNNY"... close, but not the same. And to your mom, just let her know that it's too confusing for everyone to have two Grammy's... especially your daughter.

I can sympathize with you & the strain you are describing in your relationship with your mother and that you do not see her as grandma material. Nevertheless, that is more of an issue between you and her and your kids should not be in the middle of it. That is your mother & their grandma and I believe that we need to model that respect to our elders and family even though it can be challenging we owe it to our kids to model honor to our elders. Maybe to call her Grandma then her first name would also be a more proper title for their grandma and would distinguish which grandma they are talking about. I would really try hard not to bring your personal attitude or negative feeling toward your own mother interefere with their relationship with their grandma. Maybe this situation may open some new areas in your life as well as your moms in repairing your relationship. It is never easy but all relationships need work even more so mother daughter relationships and they can leave a positive impact on your kids and the generations to come if we break the negative cycles and work on improving relationships now.
I hope this can be a little helpful. God Bless,
O. O.

If your mother wants to be called 'grammy' then she should be able to be called what she is comfortable with. She is a grandmother and so grammy is okay. Get over yourself, there should be room enough for another 'grammy' if your mother and daughter are fine, then accept it.

I don't think you are over-reacting. It's not the name. It's the power struggle, and the lack of communication, and the fact that your mom and her husband are using your daughter against you and doing it right in front of you. I bet you aren't the kind of mom who would start a conflict in front of your child -and your mom probably knows that. Even if you settle about the name - that isn't the real issue, is it? I don't know if you can resolve the real problem, or if you want to, but your feelings do count. Maybe your mom needs some healing too, and perhaps just giving her the chance to explain why she wants to be called Grammy would help you figure out what to do next (or maybe she is just being manipulative and hurtful). From reading your post, you sound like a well-adjusted woman who has a *LOT* going for her. Regardless of what dumb thing your mom does, you have a fabulous situation and that may ultimately give you the strength to rise above your mom -no matter what your daughter calls her. I won't bore you with the details of my own situation, but I really understand how bad it feels, and I am not suggesting that you are being unreasonable, and I do know that some things you have to end up letting go because the damage that could ensue from trying to fix them is not worth it, and yet, it can still feel bad -and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that.