Hi Moms. I feel like I'm lacking a little perspective and would love some input. My 10 1/2 month old daughter's been a family bed kid from birth. I both cherish this closeness and feel occasionally trapped by it. Here's what I mean... Nobody has put our daughter to bed or down for naps besides her father or me. I feel content with this, understanding how brief this time is. But dad and I are musicians and have some night performances dotting our future calendar. There's also a lot of work accumulating for me and it's clear I'm going to need to find some help with childcare if I'm ever to make a deadline. I'm feeling ready for these remnants of my old life, but I'm also feeling so anxious about the idea of leaving our daughter and her tender sleeping habits in the hands of a babysitter. So anxious! It truly preoccupies me and at times makes me feel like my work, music, even my relationship feel more like pressures than joys. This obviously feels out of balance, but so muddling too.
I should say that we've been working on getting our daughter out of bed. The quarters are pretty cramped and as she gets more active in her sleep, it just doesn't feel tenable for the three of us to continue to share. We have a second bed set up in our room and she starts out there. This gives Dad and me some time to ourselves and then, one or two wakings into the night, I'll climb in bed with her. We're also trying out some sleep training techniques from "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" and see some (extremely) gradual progress.
I sort of fell into an attachment model of parenting. My daughter was pretty high needs for her first months. AP was just what made sense and I'm grateful for the deep connection it's fostered between my daughter, me and her dad. I'm wary the warnings that suggest all other modes of parenting cause emotional damage to children. I know too many super well adjusted kids who cried it out or were regularly rocked to sleep by an automated swing. But I feel pretty emotionally locked in now and I'm having a really hard time imagining any other way of being. This is h*** o* my partner, who sees our daughter as ready for some changes (and who's ready for them himself.) I'd truly love to hear from any mom's who've passed through this and have some constructive thoughts.
Are there any moms out there who've figured out how to prepare their babies for having someone else put them to bed and down for naps? Anyone who has a positive story of transitioning their little one out of bed?
Thanks so much for all the thoughtful responses. It's always so great to be reminded there are a hundred different ways to do things. We're just getting started, but having some early success shifting our daughter out of our bed for most of the night. Dad has been taking most of her night wake ups. I nurse her before I go to bed, but have been trying to limit other night nursings before around 4am. She's in her own bed from 7 to 4, where she can kick and roll around in her sleep without waking Dad and me. I climb in bed with her around 4 to snuggle and nurse her until she wakes around 7. I'm not ready to stop this entirely, but now I'm getting some real uninterrupted sleep and finding the days easier.
As far as preparing her for a babysitter who might put her to bed or down for a nap, we've been working on putting our girl in her bed awake and soothing her to sleep with songs and head rubs. It's working (after many tries) and not only seems to be helping her to learn how to fall asleep herself, but she seems to be staying asleep for longer stretches. We're following advice from a book called "The No-Cry Sleep Solution," and finding it really helpful. It's important for us that she never cries alone and this book is sensitive to both the baby's needs and to the parents.
Thanks again for your thoughtful responses. Very best to all your families.
Well, you might consider still having that family bed when you have been gone so late because it reunites the bonding when she wakes and finds you there. One way I have seen it work for others is to have a caregiver who is also a friend to the child and they play together and explore the world so the baby's ready to fall asleep and feels safe to do so.
We still share a family bed and my daughters are 8 and 3. I asked my husband when he had to sleep in his own bed and he said that he was in his twenties and moved to Mexico City for a job. Before then he was with is brother in a regular double bed which got cramped with him being 6'1" and his brother being 6'4" tall. Both men are happily married and healthy adults.
My girls are happy and we will probably transition them when they feel that they are ready. Both have their own beds and bedrooms but so far only want to play in them. We have a super king sized bed so nobody really gets crowded and everyone stays warm :)
We decided this style when my oldest was born prematurely and very high needs. I also knew that SIDS was very low in rural Mexico and other Developing nations simply because of co-sleeping. Somebody would notice if junior stopped breathing!
H.
Hi, J.,
You are not alone in this! I truly believe in Attachment Parenting, but am not 100% in any area except breastfeeding. Our bed was too small for co-sleeping, so we put our daughter to bed in our bed, then moved her to her own after she fell asleep. When she was about 12 months she just got too squirmy and had trouble settling down for sleep. It was taking up to an hour to get her down, so I decided it was time to let her go to bed on her own. There were a few nights of crying (not scared crying, just frustrated), but never more than about 15 minutes. The key is to give her a solid routine (jammies, teeth, book, milk) and do it the same every night. When it was time to put her down, I stayed with her awhile and sang to her with my hand on her while she laid down in the crib (no singing unless she laid down). After a few songs I'd leave, whether she was asleep or not. If she cried more than ten minutes, we'd check on her, give her kisses and lay her back down. Now she falls asleep on her own. We also have a double bed in her room. While we were transitioning to getting her into the crib, we laid down with her for naps in the big bed, rather than in ours. I think it helped get her used to her room.
The routine is the key--it makes it so anyone can put her down, as long as they follow the routine.
Sorry this is so long...if you want to discuss it more, please feel free to contact me!
Good luck and blessings! (what's your band's name?)
Hello J.,
Congratulations on your choice of co-sleeping. This is the only I could have done with my 4 children who have now adopted the same with their children.
I am at the other end right now babysitting those who are only used to sleeping with mom and dad. Really it is not that bad. It requires speaking softly, singing, walking, whatever ... but it gets easier. It is only the first couple of times that was harder. She will be seaking the comfort of love. Make sure you tell her that you are going and will be back, for some babies even at an early age it makes a lot of difference. The babysitter can also say it to her. "Mama will be right back... after you sleep a little bit"
I would suggest that you choose your babysitter carefully and that she be aware that she may have to dish out a little more love and quiet time with your little one instead of spending the evening in front of the TV.
As far as stopping sleeping in the same room and sharing bed, my suggestion would be to take it slowly, she now has her own bed and gradually she will stay there more and more. After all, you and your husband are adults and choose to share a room at night why would you expect her to want to be by herself, it might be scary for her.
Hi, a friend of mine also sought to get her son out of their bed (and to stop night-nursing due to tooth decay problems) but he was between one and two--can't remember when!) Anyway, I sent her this site and they adapted it for their needs and he now sleeps in his own bed. She said the process wasn't as bad as she thought!
You and I are in the same boat. Except I have seven children. I end up sleeping on the bottom bunk in the young boys room with the baby.
It take about two weeks of putting your foot down to train a child to sleep completely in a different bed. As to a sitter, you just have to go in knowing that it will be a struggle at least for two weeks. Hopefully you'll be able to find an experienced one that will find a way to accomplish the task to everyones liking.
As a rule for my babies when I started going out again, when I left they were so upset that I was gone that they would just go to sleep after their initial temper tantrum. My husband just got used to holding and comforting the baby until he went to sleep. When the child woke up again he would wander around looking for me, but has finally realized that I will come home again and doesn't get quite as upset.
It is just changing routinue that is hard for any baby. Refreshing for us, h*** o* them. I wish you the best! Being a parent can be one of the hardest but most rewarding jobs out there.
jem- mom to seven
Hello, My daughter and I did a problem solving session when I and her dad wanted her to sleep in her own bed. She suggested that holding hands at night would help her and we also put a hot water bottle in her bed to snuggle with. Your daughter is much younger than mine but perhaps this will help. I found that as soon as she could talk at all we could include her in brainstorming solutions to problems. If anyone in the family has a problem with something then it is worth doing something about before resentment builds.
If you are going to be having a babysitter then try and have the babysitter become less of a stranger before you make any big changes like bedtime routine.
Good luck!
It takes a lot of patience to transition out of co-sleeping. I went through that about 3 months ago. My daughter now loves her crib in her room. Some of the things that helped us were. Choosing a date to end it and stick to it. If you are consistant it will help a lot. Also, I found some very soft sheets that she likes snuggling on. She liked to snuggle next to someone so I put a fluffy puppy toy next to her, and started using the same blanket for every nap for comfort. I breast fed my daughter and although it was frowned upon I nursed her to sleep and then laid her down. That way, she woke up in the same spot every time, and got used to the crib BEFORE I tried to get her to put herself to sleep. Developing a routine you and your husband can BOTH use for naps and night time will help. If your baby gets used to everyone doing the same thing it will help a babysitter later.
I didn't use the cry it out method it was just not working for my daughter. If you feel it doesn't work for you, there are other options. But, patience it the best advice. What ever you try stick to it, it is a difficult transition. GOOD LUCK!
J.,
I have never been a fan of the family bed, but I think it's just a personal preference and some would say a parenting style. Having said that our second daughter slept in our bed for the first two months because she had special needs as well. She has bad acid reflux and wouldn't sleep unless she was cuddled right into me or my husband. What i have found with her now that she's in a bassinet by the bed is that she sleeps a lot better on her own than she did in our bed. We haven't quite got a sleeping schedule for her down like we did with our first daughter-she created the schedule on her own naturally we didn't have her cry it out or anything like that. Our first daughter slept in our room in her crib until she was 11 mos old. I dreaded putting her in her own room. The first night I cried, but she was fine. She actually slept for 12 hours straight! She loves sleeping in her own room and we stick to a nightly routine of dinner, story and bed. Having the kids in their own beds ensures that they sleep better on a consistent level and so do we.
What i have found to be most helpful as I let things go so that I can maintain my sanity is to take baby steps. For example when you find a babysitter you like (I would start looking now and interview a lot of people until you find a good fit for you and your husband) have her come over during the day while you're at home. That way you can get things done around the house and see how she interacts with your baby. You can also work together on having her put your child down for a nap. This will make you and your child much more comfortable. The next time you have her come over make it for a day when you won't be gone long. Maybe run a few errands around nap time and see how it goes. This may help ease your anxieties about having somebody else other than you or your husband take care of your baby. Believe it or not it's good for your child to be exposed to other people and to be independent enough to do her routine without you and your husband.
Good luck!
E.
Perhaps you could consider choosing your babysitter now and having her come over a couple of times a week to get to know your child. (Gives you some free minutes to use up too!) Then after a few visits between the sitter and your child, make the visit time coincide with nap time and have the sitter put her to bed for the nap. Do this a few times and see how it goes. Then do a few nighttime sessions when you are at home (pay the sitter , but be there). Then a do a couple where you leave the house and the babysitter and your daughter are on their own, but you're available if needed.
~~~~~~~~~
My situation is not exactly like yours, but there are similarities. My husband and I have parented my 2 year old in a very attached, connected way. She has slept in our bed from birth (when she was born I held her for a month straight night and day). She is VERY well adjusted, calm, and adventurous. She is not spoiled, whiny, fearful or needy. I attribute much of her character to the connection she has in our family. Anyway, tonight is her second night of not sleeping in our bed. We are lucky to have teenagers and have decided to transition her out of our bed into a bed of her own via her sisters bed. :-) The first night that she realized she was going to be sleeping in sissy's room she put up a big fuss. (big for her - about 10 minutes) But sissy told her to go pick out a book, give everyone a kiss night-night (our long standing routine) and off to bed. She did sleep there all night and big sissy was a trooper about it! Tonight when it was bedtime, sissy said, "Get a book and kiss everybody". My toddler said "No" and slumped to the floor. Sissy encouraged her again and she started to fuss, but got the book and off they went. When my toddler realized she was staying the night in sissy's room again she cried for Mama and Papa for a couple minutes. Then everything was quiet. And right now it is still quiet, so I am assuming everything's good. :-)
I know its not the same situation as yours, and my daughter is older and more verbal, but I guess the idea I'm trying to get across is that gradual, positive experiences and not waffling about it will probably produce good results for your well-nurtured child.
Unfortunately, I might not be much help. :s I have 4 kids. My oldest is a girl and my youngest is a girl. My oldest is 8 years old now and has very rarely slept with us, my youngest won't sleep anywhere, but with us. My two boys are like my youngest and have been raised in the family bed. My 5 year old boy has been transitioning to where he now only occasionally comes in early in the morning after going to bed in his own bed.
We made this choice based on the fact that, our oldest has seemed to age so much faster and we feel like we really missed a lot of her babiness with her being out in her own room the whole time. My younger three have remained more cuddly as well.
My thoughts would be to continue the methods you are doing and don't rush it. You won't look back and regret not starting work sooner, but you WILL regret pushing her to grow up too soon. Just relax, enjoy her and take it a step at a time.
J.,
I love your name because that's my 5yr. old daughters name. I
can't imagine how hard it must be to break your daughters co-sleeping habit. I personally have never practiced this method with my own children partly because they do become very attached and it then becomes more difficult to teach them to sleep on their own. We usually kept our newborn with us for a month or two in our room with us but never shared the same bed. I find when you teach them young how to self-sooth and enjoy their crib or room they will be more likely to develop good sleeping habits. I certainly believe in cuddeling and rocking & loving our precious babies. They need to feel secure at all times & loved. I take care of their needs feed, change diaper, burp but I teach them how to sleep on their own so that they don't always need me to rock them to sleep. I am a mother of 3, ages 8 yrs., 5yrs., and 5 1/2months old. My first two soothed themselves usually by sucking their thumb because they didn't like pacifiers. However my 5 1/2 month old,is my pacifier baby and what a relief it is because it comes in very handy. In order to teach your daughter to sleep seperate or on her own,it will require you to be consistant and to stick to your plan even though it will be difficult at times. All kids need to learn how to self-sooth themselves and gradually become less dependent on Mom & Dad because it is healthy in their development as well as healthy for the marriage relationship. They should learn this is mom & dads special space for alone time & your child's bed or room should be their special place to sleep in. It sounds like you are gradually teaching her that by having a seperate bed in your room. I would encourage you to keep putting her in that seperate bed and gradually make the distance or proximity where she sleeps further until she makes it in her own room. When she cries don't jump up immediately and run unless it is a cry of emergency by now you should be able to distinguish the difference from your child. Stroke their head, check diaper or make sure it's not because their hungry but if all these things have been checked and are OK then you will need to put her back in her crib. Try not to hold her for very long and give her a blankey or pacifier if this is what she uses to sooth or music. You will have to be a little firm in order to break her old habits and teach her new ones. It will be difficult to hear her cry so start with 5 min. increments for each night and then increasing it for an additional 5 minutes for each consecutive night until she begins to learn how to self-sooth herself to sleep on her own. This really does work! Becuase I have done it before. You know your child best and what you can handle so if you make changes to what I have suggested that's fine as long as you stick to something that will teach her to break the co-sleeping habit. This process when you are consistant usually only last about a week or less to teach them to sleep on their own. This will make it easier for others to babysit when needed and will definitly give you more control of your life instead of your daughter having the control. I hope that you will try & consider this because the benefits that it will reap far outways the struggle you are having now & will continue to have unless you teach her new sleeping habits. Good Luck!!
P.S. consider the book called BABY WISE it was very helpful to me. O. O.
J.-
Don't let anyone make you feel bad about co-sleeping. As others have said, it is a personal decision. If it makes sense for you and your family, then go with it. My situation is quite similar except that we are still co-sleeping and my daughter just turned 1. We are just about ready to transition to a new arrangement but haven't started yet. Currently, we put her down in a playpen (beside our bed) on her own at bedtime. She goes down awake and "puts herself to sleep". It was not always this way, but has been for about 2 or 3 months. Then the 1st time she wakes up, she comes into bed and stays there until morning. I have, on occasion, tried nursing her when she wakes up and then putting her back down alone. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. I think we may try to do this more and more to get her used to being alone before moving her to her own room. But I don't think there is any one way to do it. Also, FWIW, at her 1 year appt. with the pediatrician, they actually felt we should delay the transition a couple months until cold season is mostly over. The doctor liked the fact that she's getting extra breastmilk, etc. during the night and didn't seem to have any issue whatsoever with her continuing to sleep with us.
So I have no answers for you, but I am with you! Also, we have left our girl to go out in the evenings with no problems. Friends have babysat so that the face is a familiar one. At worst, she's spent the evening being sung to and rocked. There are worse things, but I'm glad she's been with familiar people in this situation.
Good luck.
My older son was never a good sleeper. He did the sleeping in the swing thing for awhile, and after that we would rock him to sleep every night. When he was 18 months we had to start taking him to day care. I was sooo worried that he wouldn't nap and that it would become an issue. The care providers kept assuring me that I didn't need to worry and they were right. When nap time came he laid down on his mat, like all the other kids, and went right to sleep. I know this situation may be a bit different than yours but I guess what I'm trying to say is that she will work it out. You've got to give her the opportunity to do things without you, especially going to sleep. Also, just so you know, I've got a 10 month old in my bed too. And I'm having a hard time kicking him out. I would let him cry in his crib a little bit, but he shares a room with his older brother who is almost 4 and it's way too disruptive to let the baby cry in his room all night.
