Stuck in the Middle

I am in a similar situation. I have 2 girlfriends at one point, were very close. They would often disagree and eventually make up. Well the last time they argued it became almost violent, thus their friendship severed. For now, I invite them to separate events because it is still very tense between them. I care about the 2 of them and I do not want to be caught between their situation. My advice separate the two whenever possible and TRY not discuss them with each other. If one brings up the other, just listen so you won't get caught in middle.

I am sorry to hear about the situation. It seems that even when we become moms nothing changes and others still find it difficult to not betray one another and to stop the gossip. You know you did nothing wrong and if someone is going to make up stories because they are upset then maybe you need to think about whether or not that is the kind of friend you want anyways. I have had a group of women do the same thing to me a few years back and then try to get other moms to dislike me and gossip but unlike them I just ignore it because I do not want to fall into that and I do not want my daughter to be in any situations like that. If someone else that is a common friend is told a story about you from another person and believes whatever the story was then that person is not a friend either.

Sounds like a LOT of drama. I say, get the heck away from all of it. You are not involved so don't say or do anything. Don't take sides, no need to watch the fights, it doesn't concern you. Just because you know someone longer does mean they are always right or that they are in fact a better friend.

As someone who has experienced way to much drama as of late, the best advice I can give is take a huge step back. Only respond to things that directly effect you and just hold your head up and be yourself. Stories about you that aren't true will all wash out in the end. The truth is always true and a lie will be uncovered in the end. If people are affected by these untrue stories about you, they are not your real friends.

Ask yourself if you want to be around someone that is creating all this drama. Some times we have friends for a season or a reason. I consider myself a loyal and devoted friend, but I have become close to women only to find out they are nothing like I thought and I do not wish to have their morals or values in my life. The great part about not being in high school anymore is that we aren't forced to send time with people we don't like or are not nice to us. It is a big world. Maybe take a step back and focus on your family. You can always use that as a reason to take a timeout for yourself. I find that things in my family life seem to get crazy if I am experiencing drama with friends so I stop and focus on "home". Real friends are always there and will not believe something about you that is clearly out of character and not true.

If you truly don't want to be a part of the drama. Simply say to both of them I am your friend, and I hope you consider me yours and do not put me in a situation that I should not even be involved in. If you want to be involved...be the solution... get them both together to talk this problem out and be the mediator and put an end to it. Alot of times when people are like this, they will still remain friends and push you further out of the picture and make you look like the bad guy. So be careful. You could also ignore the whole situation and move on to other friends and activities and not feed the negative energy

Sounds like high school drama. Personally, I'd drop the "friend".

I agree with Kerry. The accuser friends sounds very immature and like she's in jr. high. Simply tell her this behavior is immature, you all are adults, you are friends with both and you don't appreciate being put in the middle. If she can't handle that, tell you can't be friends with her. That is too much drama to deal with. Hope it works out. Sounds like an unpleasant situation to be in.

I don't know how close either of these so called "friends" of yours are, but it seems to me that if they were real friends neither of them would be talking bad or saying false things about you to begin with, nor would they put you the middle of a situation that doesn't even involve you. If they are not willing to listen to you, you don't need them. Friendship goes two ways as does any relationship. Remember: you get to choose your friends. If they are not going to treat you with love, kindness, and respect you do not need them or their problems. Find new friends who understand what the meaning of true friendship is.

Well M. J you need to unstick yourself and tell your friend that you are not getting into this because as an adult you don't have time to play these childish games of he said she said and I heard that you said. You can't defend yourself because she will not believe you. Walk away and if people that know you believe the lies then do they really know you. Obviously your friend didn't know you very well since she believed things that someone told her you said. If she was really your friend she would know that you never said whatever it was.

Frankly, it sounds like the accuser may have a pattern of this kind of behavior. If that is the case, when she starts bad-mouthing you, others will likely take this into account. It doesn't matter who you've known longer, it matters who is behaving badly and who isn't. It sounds like you don't really believe her accusations against this other person, since you are well-aware she is about to start (or has started) bad-mouthing you.

I was once in this situation. My response when people asked me why I did whatever it was the accuser had said I did was to be shocked and horrified. Basically I was "Oh my goodness! I can't imagine doing such a thing to someone! Did someone really do that to her? That's awful!" I never addressed the fact that she was lying, and I never asked anyone to choose sides. Needless to say, people started seeing through her, and she had to modify her behavior to remain part of the group.

Good luck. I hope things work out.

Hi M. sounds to me that this friend that you've been knowing the longest isn't that good of a friend at all!!! Because a true friend wouldn't want you to take sides and tell lies on you. You didn't say what the other friend did but I would tell them both that they will have to settle this on their own. And if the people she's telling that you are talking about her, know you as a person they will not rush to judgement. If she continues to act this wayjust cut her loose!! I hope this isn't about a man.

Looks like you've received some great advice on here. All I can add it one of my favorite quotes..."what other people think of you is none of your business." -Regina Brett
Good luck with everything :)

Sounds like your friend never outgrew high school. Tell her you said nothing about her behind her back and if she really knew you, she would know this to be true. Tell her you don't want to get between the two of them because it had nothing to do with you. If she were a true friend she would expect you to stand up for yourself and she should stand up for herself. If anything happened in front of you then that is the time to stick up for her. She's being rediculous. Don't fall for her games. You'll be a better person for it.

I was in this situation before and the best thing that you can do is wait it out and see who is saying what. It's very said because those rumor mongers are the ones who spread the poison the fastest and you have become the person who runs around trying to justify your side of the story. At some point, when the moment is less heated, you'll be able to talk to the "accuser", unfortunately, you may not want to be friends with her at that point, anyway, depending on how much she made the decision to drag your name in the mud.

As far as her telling the mutual friend: Since you refer to her as a "friend", she has earned your friendship. If the friendship is that easy to break by listening to a bad rumor, it wasn't worth the friendship. Sadly, I have seen so many female adults resort to this "high school", juvenile, behavior of friendships, in my neighborhood. Personally, you must take a higher path. Just make sure that you pull your shoulders back, apologize if you have done ANYTHING wrong, but, don't get mixed into sharing your part of the "rumor" by talking against the other, because then you will be no better than the others.

Good luck.

Hi M. J,
If you are going to stay out of this then you really really need to stay completely out. I think you should be clear to both that you are not talking about the problem, to both the accusor and accusee. Also, regarding your other friend, if you are real friends she might bring it up to you privately and you can then say that this is not what happened. You might even try to be really neutral about this too and suggest that you don't understand why someone would tell those stories to the accusor. If you feel you need to go to the mutual other friend then you should do it but don't be negative about the accusor because that negativity will not help anything and will spread in the gossip. It sounds like the accusor has too much time on her hands and likes drama. The two of them, accusor and accusee, will end up having it out and then you will see who the real friends are. I am sorry you are stuck in the middle.

Wow- drama!

First off, I think your response that you were not there to take sides, but just to listen was totally fair. Without knowing the details, I think you have to ask yourself if this person is really being a good friend to you? If 'other people' are telling her things 'you said' that are not true and she is believing them without even giving you the benefit of the doubt or a chance to explain - and if you DID explain and she does not believe you- well, I think a true friend would believe you and understand that you could not take sides and that other people talk and exaggerate and that you cannot do anything about that.

On the other hand, I think you also need to examine your own words and actions carefully too. Did you say anything you should not have- be honest with yourself here! Did you say something that could have been misconstrued by other people? If you did, the best thing you can do is just 'fess up about it and apologize and say that you know you should have kept your opinion to yourself and not gossiped, because you value your friendship so much more than that.

But if you TRULY did or said nothing wrong at all, then it sounds like this woman is trying to use you to validate her own position. Friendship is not about blind devotion- you have to be able to be honest with your friends, and disagree with them and tell them so, and still value each other and accept each other at the end of the day. If you or this woman cannot do that, (it takes both friends to make this work!)then maybe it is time to reevaluate your friendship and her place in your life.

Hey M. J,
I would say find yourself some new friends! Easier said than done I know. :) Seriously though, this woman sounds like she has some issues and unfortunately we cannot control nor should we care about what other people think or say about us. Your friends that truly know and care about you should know that this woman isn't emotionally sound. If it were me, I'd just pray for the strength to seek out new friendships (cause, it can be exhausting!) and then take the necessary steps to make some...ie joining a new club or social group. I hope that helps.
blessings,
J.

Hi mom this sounds like he said she said, how old are you guys?? well listen just stay out of it let them talk and when they see you are being a lady about the issue then they will stop and it all will past I hope! Good Luck

that is a cruddy situation to be in.....i dont' know you or your relationship with either of these women, but just by what you are telling me i guess that the "accuser" is now accusing you. she is not giving you a chance to explain and didn't even come to you to ask you if you said these things. she just accused you of them because of other people telling her. so in short she is doing the same thing to you that she did to your other friend.....you can only hope that the other "common friend" has enought sense as you did to not take sides and to stay out of a situation that clearly has nothing to do with her. good luck i hope you an smooth things over.....but i think this friend that you have known for a long time doesn't really sound like that good of a friend.

There is something wrong with the accuser. It sounds to me like she may not be telling the truth and looking for backup from her "friends". If she is lying about you, she may also be lying about that other incident. I would talk to your common friend and just give her a heads up. I would not get too specific but I would mention that something is fishy here. You wanted to be neutral (which is the smart thing to do) but she wouldn't have it. I would steer clear of the accuser. The truth will come out eventually.

M. J,

This is one of the reasons why I have guys for friends than women! Women tend to blow up the situation than it really is. Tell her your version, if she does not like it or she doesn't believe you...she truly isn't a friend. I would drop her like a hot potato, because to me this sounds too much like high school, which is all too immature.

I agree with Jacqueline D, sounds like the friend you have had the longest is really not a friend at all. Gossip is never answer for anything, in fact in any conversation ever gossip is not acceptable.
I guess my advice is that you try to avoid both parties involved till this all blows over. If you have talked to the gossiper and she will not listen there is nothing you can do to help your plight in regards to her. Just be ready to defend yourself against any gossip she may spread without gossiping about her. If the one that was accused is fairing well with what is going on, explain to her you just can not take sides and feel that you need to say neutral. These situations can be very hard, just remember true friends will stand by your side even if rumor are flying.

God Bless,
S.

I have a friend with whom I've been friends for nearly 30 years. Whenever she's going through a rough patch psychologically, she picks fights with everyone - friends, relatives, teachers, coaches, etc. It starts with one fight where you think maybe she's right, then the fights multiply & you see it's most likely her with a problem. She eventually gets lonely & makes up with a few people. When this is happening, I usually fly below the radar, get really "busy" so I can avoid her for a while. Do you know if these serious accusations your friend made are true? I'm guessing maybe you have some doubts since you didn't jump to her defense right away. The fact that she's causing trouble with you now made me think of my friend and how she operates. Lay low, but still defend yourself. Hopefully others will see she's the one making trouble.

It sounds like there are more people involved here than just your 2 friends bickering & putting you in the middle. It sounds like one of them is trying to involve other friends to work against you. I would tell both of your arguing friends that you are not going to get involved in their fight & that it is unfair of them to put you in the middle. I would then tell the other people that have been dragged into this nonsense that you are not involved & would never talk badly behind someones back. I would also tell them that you are very hurt that your friends are putting you in the middle. Your next step is to slowly move away from these toxic people and find some new friends.